Tag Archives: sports

Movie Review – Creed (2015)

An aging boxer and his young protege, the son of his former friend/rival….

TRAVEL TO RUSSIA TO BEAT THE EVER LOVING SHIT OUT OF THAT DIRTY ROTTEN SOVIET COMMIE IVAN DRAGO AS PAYBACK FOR KILLING APOLLO IN ROCKY IV!  USA! USA! USA!

OK. So that wasn’t the plot. But it really should have been. Totally would have been had I written it. Maybe that’s why Sly never takes my calls.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here with a review of Creed.

SPOILERS AHEAD.

When it comes to the seventh installment of a film series chronicling the lives of people who beat the crap out of each other, “good writing” is a phrase you’d think would not come to mind.

You’d be wrong. Stallone has done it again.

When Rocky Balboa came out in 2006, I thought Stallone was scraping the bottom of the barrel then. But then I watched it. Rocky’s challenge in that film wasn’t to win, it was just to stay alive as an old timer in the ring for one last go around.

In that movie, he delivered a speech to his son that sums up the whole series, i.e. “life will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.”

Rocky’s always been about trying.  Yoda said “Do or do not, there is no try.” Rocky said, “Try.” Shut up Yoda.

Anyway, move forward nine years, I thought Stallone was REALLY reaching by putting out yet another film but low and behold, he’s done it again.

THE SETUP: Adonis Johnson aka Adonis Creed is the illegitimate son of famous boxing legend Apollo Creed (Carl Weathers, who you might also remember as the only tough guy in Predator who didn’t go on to become a state governor).

He grew up in two separate worlds. After his mother’s death, he ended up on the streets, scrapping with the other boys and landing himself in juvenile detention.

Enter Apollo’s wife, Mary Anne (played by Phylicia Rashad – Mrs. Huxtable in a movie!) who out of the kindness of her heart, adopts Adonis, even though he’s the product of her late husband’s extramarital hi jinx.

But you can’t dump on Apollo too much for not being there for Adonis. Fans of the series know that in Rocky IV, Apollo died at the hands of that roid raging commie Ivan Drago, but Goddamnit, he died for America. He died so Rocky could challenge Drago to a rematch and win in the name of capitalism. Suck it, Soviets.

That was the last movie I remember Brigitte Nielsen being hot in, come to think of it.

Anyway, Adonis then moves on to the good life with Mary Anne, who lives in a mansion because unlike that dumbass Rocky, she didn’t let a degenerate moron like Pauly manage her family’s finances.  God you suck, Pauly.

All this leads to Adonis being very confused. He wants to step out of the shadow of a famous father he never knew. He wants to prove himself. Be his own man. He avoids using Creed’s name.

He wants to be a boxer but no one will train him…because he doesn’t HAVE to be a boxer. Boxing, as various people tell him, is a sport for people who don’t have any other shot at the good life. Adonis has a wealthy benefactor mother. He doesn’t need to get his face punched for a living.

Or does he? Financially, he doesn’t. Mentally, he does. He wants glory and thus he journeys to Philly and pesters elderly Rocky to become his Mickey..err, manager.

But it’s not easy to make it as a Creed.  Whatever success Adonis finds, people attribute it to a father he never knew. And there are people who want to take advantage of his famous last name. All the while, there are people who accuse him of coming from privilege which he views as unfair. Mary Anne may have saved him, but he never lost the hunger of a kid growing up on the streets.

There’s even a subplot in which Adonis falls in love with a female musician with progressive hearing loss…i.e. she’s trying to become a famous singer before she can’t hear herself sing anymore.  Stop!  Stop! I can’t handle all this sadness!

It was great.  It really was.  Stallone has gone to the well twice now in a series that by all rights, jumped the shark in Rocky 5 (the one where Rocky has a street fight with ‘Tommy Gunn.'”  Boo! Worst Rocky ever!

Michael B. Jordan proves his acting chops.  I’d like to see more from Tessa Thompson, who plays Adonis’ girlfriend.

I will say this. If its the last film in the Rocky series, its a worthy ending. If it isn’t, I have no clue where Rocky could go from here, though I really feel that my “Rocky and Adonis go to Russia to beat the shit out of elderly Ivan Drago” could be a worthy contender.

Have your people call my people, Sly. I’ll totally write that screenplay for you.

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Super Bowl Ads

Vin Diesel driving a car between two buildings?!  That’s super awesome and doesn’t defy the laws of physics and gravity whatsoever!!!  Sign me up to see that movie!

What are your favorite Super Bowl Ads so far?

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Deflategate Shakespearized

I like to Shakespearize things – movies, TV shows, songs.  I love Shakespeare.  Maybe it’s trite, but I do feel that the English language’s greatest author walked the earth around 500 years or so ago (give or take a few years here or there).

I hope to turn this into a new feature, and if you have something you’d like to see Shakespearized, let me know.

Without further ado…

DEFLATEGATE SHAKESPEARIZED

By:  Bookshelf Q.  Battler

A Tale Told in the Tradition of the Bard

PRESS MAN #1 – In fair New England where we begin our tale, a legend of great treachery and sanctimonious chicanery, of gladiators of the gridiron and air dispersion most foul.

RANDOM COLTS PLAYER (staring at and holding up a football as if it were a skull) – Is this a ball I see before me?  It’s lack of weight disturbeth me with the passion of the Gods who once clapped in thunderous combat above the skies of Ancient Rome. Fi on thee, Knaves of New England, Mercenaries of the Villainous Cheese Baron!  Something is rotten in the State of the NFL.

ENTER KING BELICHIK –  Friends, Romans, Countrymen!  Lend me your ears!  Good sirs, rest thine ears upon my voice, and hear me as I say that in my four score years of leading mine knights into carefully manicured grassy fields of battle all across our land, this is the first and only time that anyone hath raised the issue of mine balls!  Merry, it surpriseth me greatly to hear men complain of a trivial happenstance, as surely as it would surpriseth me were I to waken on the morrow to find that the sun’s exuberant colors had transferred from yellow to green.

PRESS MAN #2 – Foul!  Foul!  Scandal most foul!  A plague on your house, King Belichik!  For thou failest to taketh the fall in this fake story that we hath manufactured out of whole cloth!  Thou hast thrown Sir Thomas of Brady under the bus!

TYPICAL COLTS FAN –  To inflate or not to inflate?  That is the question.  Whether tis nobler in the mind to inflate your balls to 12.5 pounds per square inch, or to take air out of your balls until they are 11.5 pounds per square inch, and in doing so, ruin them?  To inflate, to deflate, to inflate perchance to dream?  Ay, there’s the rub…on our balls!

SIR THOMAS OF BRADY – Tomorrow, tomorrow, and tomorrow…inflated balls are a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, and signifying slow news days…

COLTS FAN #2 – O, I see Queen Mab!  Come she does, the Queen of the Fairies!  And she telleth me true, she fills my ears with the melodious truth, that had our balls been comprised of more air, we surely would not have had our asses handed to us in a massacre in which we lost by 40 points!  Fi!  By the beard of God I say had the game ball had one but one more pound of pressure inside of it, we would have fought boldly like the mighty warriors of the coliseum of old!

ENTER FOX AND COMPANIONS – Forsooth and hark, for we are Fox and Companions!  Bringeth yon noble viewers news of the death of the Saudi Arabian King?  Nay!  Bringeth ye news of the resignation of the Yemen Government?  Nay!  Gather round and hear a tale of balls deflated with vigorous gusto!

PRESS MAN #3 – But soft!  What lies through yonder window breaks?!  It tis the east, and the underinflated balls are the sun!  Arise fair balls, and kill the envious moon, whose maid art sick and pale with grief, that her maid’s balls are far more inflated than yours!

PATRIOTS FAN -(also holding a football like it was a skull) –  Alas, poor football, I knew him, Horatio.  Twas a football of great jest and most excellent fancy!  Once inflated to 12.5 pounds per square inch and then alas, deflated to a paltry 11.5 square pounds per inch by rapscallions of ignominious cunning and unscrupulous alacrity. Our knights, once a great bastion of the game, now reduced to wicked pissah jokes about deflated balls.

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Ballgate

I don’t like to get too controversial on the Bookshelf Battle.

You have your views on the world.  I have mine.  Someone else has theirs.  That guy has his.  Put four people in a room, ask them a question, and you might get five different answers.  Yes, I said five.  One person might be confused.

That being said, this ball inflation story is the dumbest, most blatantly manufactured non-news story I’ve ever seen.  You’ve got Isis running amuck.  The President and Cabinet of Yemen just resigned rather than face the wrath of rebels.  Boko Haram is wondering around Africa kidnapping every school girl they can find.  The King of Saudi Arabia just died.  What will that mean for the direction of the Middle East?

And what’s on my TV?  Detailed reports of the size, color, and consistency of the New England Patriots’ balls.

Ahem, their footballs.

Yes, I made that hacky joke.

WHO CARES?

Look, I’m a nerd and I’m proud of it.  I don’t know much about football at all.  I don’t really even see the point. One guy throws a ball.  Another guy catches it.  They run around and try to take the ball from each other.  And everyone watches it like its the greatest thing in the world.

And God Bless you if you like it.  I’m not knocking it.  To each their own.

But with my limited knowledge of football, I have to assume that since the Colts lost against the Patriots 47-7, NO AMOUNT OF BALL INFLATION IN THE WORLD COULD HAVE HELPED THEM!

I’m sorry.  This whole story just sounds like sour grapes.  The ball has more air.  The ball has less air.  Who gives a crap?  If you’re a football expert, please explain how more or less air can affect ball handling.  No, that’s not even a joke.  I want to know how air in a ball can affect the handling of a ball.  What?  Stop laughing!

And I mean, we can all get along.  If you think the Patriots are like, Public Enemy #1 now because they allegedly used improperly inflated balls, then please feel free to say so.

It’s not like I really even care one way or the other, but I just feel the press has a duty to report the news, not invent it, and all these talking heads opining about “who knew how much air was in the ball?” and “why wasn’t there enough air in the ball?”  and so on, just seems like people talking for the sake of hearing themselves talk.

And people need to stop calling this “Ballgazi.”  People actually died in Benghazi.  I don’t even like calling it Ballgate.  Watergate was a serious criminal operation that greatly dragged down the American people’s faith in government.  Meanwhile, this story is about a ball.

A ball!  Stop talking about balls!!!

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George RR Martin Likes Football, Thrones Snubbed

George RR Martin, Almighty Creator of Westeros, likes football.  Want proof?  Check out his blog:

http://grrm.livejournal.com/401649.html

Thoughts:

1)  Yes.  He still uses Livejournal.  Supposedly he also still writes his stuff on an old MS DOS Computer.

(Cue Bob Saget How I Met Your Mother Narrator) – Kids, there was a time before Windows when you had to type out instructions of what you wanted your computer to do before it did anything…

2)  Is it possible to like football and be a nerd?  Should I be worried he’s losing his nerd cred?

3)  Forget I asked that.  The man created an epic fantasy world and for Christ’s Sake, he wears a Fisherman’s Cap wherever he goes.  His nerdyness is beyond reproach or question.

4)  I did feel bad about this excerpt that George RR wrote:

As for the non-football contests, yes, of course, GAME OF THRONES lost another Golden Globe. This one to THE AFFAIR. Nothing unexpected there, and I am glad I saved myself some time and money and stayed home. Sad to say, I don’t think any fantasy will ever win a Golden Globe. The prejudice against genre shows runs too deep. I did think Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were great, however, and I liked Allan Cummings in his peach suit-shirt-tie ensemble.

I’ve never seen The Affair.  I assume it’s a decent enough show.  I have a bias for Game of Thrones because I think it should win everything.  And if you want affairs, that show has them every two seconds.  But it is sad that this author who’s an expert of the fantasy genre, obviously based on his vast knowledge and experience, concludes fantasy could never win an award due to bias.

Why isn’t Game of Thrones deserving of a Golden Globe?  How many shows have there been that are so epic and sweeping in scope, so complicated in terms of plot, and yet have been able to attract so many viewers, and rivet them to a story that features so many different complex characters?  GOT is the only show like that, that I can think of.

Again, nothing against The Affair, but I doubt it could possibly have a moment like GOT had last year, where I felt my heart literally sink when The Viper, er, uh, well let’s not give away a spoiler and just say he celebrated too soon.

Back to George RR liking football.  Here’s a question for everyone.  If NFL teams were Game of Thrones Houses, who would be who?

Here’s my lineup:

GAME OF NFL THRONES

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS/HOUSE LANNISTER – OK.  I’m going to lay it out for you.  Their owner is Bob Kraft.  Bitch, the man owns cheese.  Every time you put cheese on your taco the man gets a quarter.  Like Tywin, he can put lots of money toward getting the best players.

BALTIMORE RAVENS/HOUSE GREYJOY – The Greyjoys aka the “Iron Born.”  Those a-holes run around Westerns with their slogans of “We Do Not Sow” and “We Pay the Iron Price.”  In other words, they aren’t exactly law abiding citizens, and as seen last year, neither was their star player, Ray Rice.  Although, that might not be fair, as the NFL has been kind of mired as of late with one story after another with players on various teams being accused of wrongdoing.  (I could also insert the Oakland Raiders here, but the jokes write themselves).

You guys take it away and finish the list.  Because honestly, I’m a nerd and don’t know a whole helluvalot about football.  So God help me, I might be a bigger nerd than George RR Martin.  And that’s saying something.

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A Nerd’s Eye View on the Ray Rice Scandal

At the outset, let me reiterate – this site is run by a nerd.   In other words, I don’t know much about sports.  So if I say something wrong about football, give me a break, OK?  (By the way, how many tackles are in a home run anyway?)

In the wake of TMZ releasing footage of Ray Rice punching his then fiance (now wife), people are rightly angry at NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.  They want to know what did he know and when did he know it.  Did he see this video when he approved a deal earlier this year that only suspended Rice for two games?  Shouldn’t Rice have been kicked out earlier anyway since there was, at the time, video available that showed him dragging her limp body out of the elevator, and could it not have been surmised, without the footage that made the incident even more “real,” that if a guy is dragging a woman out of an elevator, he must have done something bad?

I think it is great that people are upset.  My only question – what took you all so long?

Ray Rice isn’t the first football player to ever abuse a significant other. He isn’t even the first football player to be accused of committing a crime.   He’s just the first one to do it in front of a camera, thus providing shocking footage that the media can show over and over again.  Other football player scandals seem to come, go, and be forgotten.  Apparently, video tape is required to make a scandal stick.

People like Rice dishonor the game – a game I know nothing about, but hey a lot of other people do so there must be something good about it.  For every Ray Rice out there, there are probably a hundred undiscovered players who would a) love a chance at the big time and b) not do anything to embarrass/dishonor the NFL if asked to join a team.

Whether it’s Plaxico Burress tucking a gun in his pants or Ray Rice punching his girlfriend, there are just too many replacements available for the NFL to have to worry about dodging and deflecting scandals.  Obviously I don’t know what goes through the mind of the people who run the NFL or the Baltimore Ravens.  I doubt that any of them thought something as sinister as “Hey, no problem Ray, she deserved it after all!”  Rather, I assume they spent more time worrying about losing games due to the loss of a star player, fans getting angry over lost games, lost profits, etc.  Unfortunately for the NFL honchos, this was a situation where morality should have come above winning games and profits.

To keep these scandals from going out of control in the future, the NFL should just make a rule – If a player is charged with committing a felony, he gets suspended.  If, after his trial, he is not acquitted, then he’s fired completely, never to return to the NFL.  Such a rule will give the players clear guidance – if you screw up, there’s no damage control, there’s no hold a press conference and make your battered wife vouch for you, there’s no lackluster apologies – you’re simply out, your football career is over, and that’s it.  It gives the NFL guidance as well – fans are angry you cut a star player?  Tough luck, your hands are tied, the rule requires you to do it.

Notice I said the player has to be acquitted – none of these hire a great lawyer and get the case postponed forever deals where you promise to get counseling and take a class about how to not beat on women.

My opinion, such a rule would put NFL/TEAM leaders, and players alike, on notice.  At the end of the day, the player that screws up should be the one that takes the blame, and others shouldn’t be sucked into it.  It would be great if the NFL was strong enough to not get sucked into a player’s stupidity on its own, but apparently it is not.

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