Tag Archives: football

My Online Auction Addiction and What Should I Do With My Punisher Helmet?

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

In recent weeks, I developed an addiction to an online auction site.  I don’t know why, just…so much fun memorabilia and while I’m not rich by any stretch I am finally at a point in my life where I can afford the very occasional frivolity.

Long story short, I bid on and won a Punisher football helmet signed by Jon Bernthal, the actor who plays the Punisher on the Netflix series.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.  In retrospect, I don’t like football.  I’m not a huge Jon Bernthal fan.  I think he’s ok. Honestly, I didn’t know his name and always referred to him as that actor who played Shane on The Walking Dead.  By the way, I always thought Shane sucked because his big gripe is that Rick was mad that he banged his wife like literally five minutes after Rick was presumed dead.  Although I guess if I thought Shane sucked then Jon Bernthal did his job.

Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t dislike Jon Bernthal….I just don’t worship the guy or anything either.

Long story short, I bought it with an eye toward putting it on a shelf that heretofore had nothing on it.  But when it arrived, it came in the helmet’s original box and inside, it was sealed in a plastic bag so….I guess now I’m worried about taking it out.

Will air, dust and fingerprints ruin the Jon Bernthal signature?  Should I just tuck it away in the closet somewhere?  Perhaps in ten years it would have a nice resale value?  In fact, maybe I could secretly root for Jon Bernthal to become an Academy Award winner so its value could increase.  Maybe Jon Bertnhal will score a role in the Toilet Gator movie!

Then again, I don’t know.  Maybe it would be fun to keep it on the shelf and look at it.  Perhaps I could get a glass case for it or something, or is a glass case overdoing it?

It is also signed by Ebon Moss-Bachrach, who plays The Punisher’s technical assistant Micro.  I gotta be honest, I only watched the first season so I didn’t know there was a Micro.  I had never heard of this actor before but I could root for him to be an Academy Award winner too.

Hell, if Bernthal and Moss-Bachrach win in the same year I could retire off this thing.

Sidenote- I gotta be honest, I originally wanted to win an Avengers football helmet signed by Stan Lee, but the bids on that were way too high for a humble blog proprietor to afford.

Double sidenote – This wasn’t totally silly because as a kid, I did like and read the Punisher comics.  I don’t know why, I just thought out of all the superheroes, he was the most believable.  He had no special abilities or powers.  He was just a vigilante who violated all norms of due process and criminal procedure law and just shot bad guys in the face.  Like honestly, I love Batman, but at least Batman would leave a bad guy hog tied so the cops could find him and arrest him and put him on trial.  The Punisher would just extrajudiciously decide that a dude was guilty and blow his head off with a bazooka.  As an adult, I do realize that this lack of due process is wrong though so Batman is probably the better vigilante.

In conclusion, should I leave the helmet sealed in the bag and inside the box and in a closet or should I take it out and put it on a shelf?

(Sidenote – I also bought a first issue, first edition GI Joe comic book that came sealed in a plastic case and a 1966 Superman Comic Book that did not come sealed in a plastic case and that after that, that was it.  OK it wasn’t it, I actually bid on a lot more things but thankfully, I lost all those auctions and then after that I stopped and quit cold turkey..)

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Daily Discussion with BQB – The Oakland Raiders are Moving to Las Vegas

The Oakland Raiders are moving to Las Vegas, 3.5 readers.  I suppose that’s sad for the people of Oakland but good for Vegas, since it’s a popular tourist destination city and thus could make a lot of money by having an NFL team.

Otherwise, do we really have an opinion on this?  We’re all nerds who don’t know anything about football here, right?  What say you, 3.5?

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What Are Your Favorite Super Bowl Commercials?

Hey 3.5 readers.

VGRF here again.  What are you favorite super bowl commercials, either from tonight or from the past?

The one I remember the most from last year is Mountain Dew’s “Puppy, Monkey, Baby” though only because it was very weird.

Anyway, let me know and also BQB, enjoy watching the Super Bowl with Leo and the Yeti.

Hmm.  “Leo and the Yeti.”  Sounds like a good 1970s buddy cop drama.

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Who Are You Rooting For in the Super Bowl?

Hey 3.5 readers.

Video Game Rack Fighter here.  Just curious, who are you all rooting for in the Super Bowl?

Honestly, I was with BQB on this one.  Really, who cares?  This guy throws a ball, that guy throws a ball…who needs it?

Oh well, who cares what BQB thinks now that I have won his blog in the divorce and he is left to spoon with Leo McCoy in the Random Motel.


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BQB Calls the Super Bowl

Hey 3.5 readers.

Good news. I was hired to provide the play by play for the Super Bowl.  Yes, the NFL wanted to save some money so they hired a nerd who knows nothing about sports.

Here goes nothing.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen welcome to Super Bowl 50.  That’s right.  The only sports contest thats too old to hang out in the club, but not old enough for an AARP card.

I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler and I don’t know a damn thing about sports, but I was happy to take this job in exchange for $50 and an autographed picture of some football guy whoever the hell he is I don’t know they all look the same to me.  The signature looks real though so I’ll probably sell it on ebay.

And the sporting contest has begun!  Yes!  Two teams of large men, each from different geographic locations have met on the gridiron and you, the viewer at home, will be called upon to cheer for the team closest to your geographic location or else be considered a smelly communist.  Yes, that’s right, if you watch anything else but this sporting contest tonight you’re an automatic a-hole.

And the ball has been kicked!  Yes the ball has been kicked!  And now men are fighting for control of the ball!

Yes and…oh my God!  Oh my God!  One of the men has the ball and he’s running toward the opposing team’s side of the field.  That’s right folks!  If he gets the ball all the way across the opposing team’s side of the field then it’s a goal for the team of the man running with the ball.

Mother of God the man with the ball has been tackled to the ground!  He’s not running with the ball anymore.  Yes, this is quite a sporting contest and all kinds of sporty shit is happening.

By the way, I’d like to take a moment to thank our sponsor, Cheesy Munch Chips.  That’s right.  While all of you fat, middle aged people sit on the couch and live out your NFL fantasies, flagellating yourselves over what you could have done better when you played for your high school team a million years ago, be sure to numb the pain by tossing a sack full of Cheesey Munch Chips down your gullet.

And back to the action.  There seems to be quite a scramble for the ball.  Possession of the ball, by the way, is very important because whichever team controls the ball has the ability to score a point and as you’re all aware, the team with the highest number of points at the end of the game wins and the team with the least amount of points will be treated like pathetic losers and will have to go home to their mansions and cry on their piles of money to comfort themselves.

Who has the ball now?  Yes it is…that guy!  That guy that everyone likes!  He’s in that funny commercial.  Whoa!  But he just passed it to that guy that was caught on tape punching his girlfriend’s lights out.  Yes, he was suspended for an entire fortnight.  That’ll teach ’em.

Sweet Jesus, and now that guy has passed it to that guy who was arrested after the gun fell out of his sweat pants in the night club.  Holy Shit, why can’t all of these athletic one percenters handle their shit?

And the ball’s getting closer and closer and….huzzah!  That team scored a point!

Ladies and gentlemen, such a rousing game.  I’m so excited.  I hope all you fat bastards at home are having a good time shoving chicken wings into your face holes and trying to feel better about not making the varsity cut when the first George Bush was president.

Now it’s time for the halftime show.

Wow!  It’s that Hot Pop Star Chick with Enormous Boobs!  She’s singing a catchy song that you’re all going to download immediately, hum in the back of your head for three months, and then forget all about it when the Next Hot Pop Star Chick with Enormous Boobs comes along.

Wait a minute.  What?! It’s not enough to have a Hot Pop Star Chick with Enormous Boobs!  That’s right, they’ve rigged the Hot Pop Star Chick with Enormous Boobs up to a crane and an elaborate system of ropes and pullies to make it seem as though she’s flying through the air like Peter Pan.

Yes, nothing says “America loves its musical talent” like forcing them to put their lives in danger just to provide us with a few minutes of entertainment.  God Bless you, Hot Pop Star Chick with Enormous Boobs.

Holy Smokes!  And now Controversial Rapper is here to provide a rap version of Hot Pop Star Chick’s song.  OH MY GOD! And now Country Band is here to countrify the shit out of this routine.

Yes, this is America and everyone has to be happy with everything!  Good God now there’s some glorious fireworks!  Whoa!  Watch out Hot Pop Star Chick, one of those whizzed right past you while you’re being held by wires at a ridiculously high altitude for America’s viewing pleasure.

What’s really amazing to me is that all of these stars are performing this number on an elaborate stage that totally moves around and shit.  It’s not like that’s a death trap waiting to happen or anything.

Hey, the commercials are on!  Howsabout these commercials, ladies and gentlemen?

Folks, I’m like you in that I’m on a budget and when I’m forced to make a decision, I always come down on the side of the brand with a hilarious talking cartoon animal, or a dumb guy that does dumb things to get a product, or stops doing dumb things once he gets the product, or a product that looks good when its held by Celebrity Hot Chick with Enormous Boobs.

Back to the big game.  Close up on some celebrities in attendance.  Yes, they’re just like you and me.  They love sports and they get to attend in person because they can afford the astronomical price for tickets while the rest of us sit on the couch and wished we lived like them.

And…points have been scored!  Repeat points have been scored!

This is so tense.  It really is.  Let’s get a close up of the coach barking orders at the players.

You know a lot of people ask me, “What’s the difference between the coach and the players?” and I always tell them, “The players try to score points while the coach tells them the best way to score the aforementioned points.”

Very subtle.  A lot of nuance I know.  But right now we can see the coach telling a player how to score points.  We don’t have a microphone on the coach so we can’t listen in but I can read lips so here’s what I believe is being said:

COACH:  I thought I told you to score some points!

PLAYER: I’m sorry, Coach.  I really tried to score some points.

COACH:  You need to try harder to score some points!  That thing you did before, that’s never going to score you any points!  But if you do this thing I’m telling you now, then you’ll score a lot of points!  Understand?

PLAYER:  Yes sir!

COACH:  Good! Now get out there and score us some points!

Holy Crap I was moved by that.

Points, points, so many points being scored by each side now.  And there’s a tie! Yes, each team has an equal amount of points.

Now, I’m no mathematical genius but I’d say that’s a problem.  Really, just on a statistical basis, a team with the most points is most likely to win and the team with the least amount of points is most likely to lose.  If I were a professional football player, I’d definitely want to be on the team that scores the most points.

We can see on the clock that there isn’t much time left so it all amounts to this one kick…and…the kicker is going to kick the ball and OH MY GOD!  THE KICKER KICKED THE BALL AND SCORED THE WINNING POINT!

What a game.  Half of the country is thrilled that the team closest to their geographic region has won.  It makes them feel like they did something by sitting on their fat asses for three hours instead of doing something productive like getting on the damn stair master or looking for a job.

Alas, the other half of the country is depressed that the team closest to their geographic team has lost.  They’ll blame it all on that one player who should have tried a little harder to score some more points.

What’s wrong with that guy?  Doesn’t he know he’s supposed to score points?

This has been BQB, reporting live from the Super Bowl.  Now stay tuned for an incredibly shitty show with beautiful people who pretend like their lives are horrible and tell jokes that aren’t funny and no one on the show is relatable to the average bloated ugly American slob.

It’ll be off the air in three months, but someone at the network really believed in it so he/she put it on after the Super Bowl in a desperate effort to ram it down everyone’s throats.


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Super Bowl Ads

Vin Diesel driving a car between two buildings?!  That’s super awesome and doesn’t defy the laws of physics and gravity whatsoever!!!  Sign me up to see that movie!

What are your favorite Super Bowl Ads so far?

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Deflategate Shakespearized

I like to Shakespearize things – movies, TV shows, songs.  I love Shakespeare.  Maybe it’s trite, but I do feel that the English language’s greatest author walked the earth around 500 years or so ago (give or take a few years here or there).

I hope to turn this into a new feature, and if you have something you’d like to see Shakespearized, let me know.

Without further ado…


By:  Bookshelf Q.  Battler

A Tale Told in the Tradition of the Bard

PRESS MAN #1 – In fair New England where we begin our tale, a legend of great treachery and sanctimonious chicanery, of gladiators of the gridiron and air dispersion most foul.

RANDOM COLTS PLAYER (staring at and holding up a football as if it were a skull) – Is this a ball I see before me?  It’s lack of weight disturbeth me with the passion of the Gods who once clapped in thunderous combat above the skies of Ancient Rome. Fi on thee, Knaves of New England, Mercenaries of the Villainous Cheese Baron!  Something is rotten in the State of the NFL.

ENTER KING BELICHIK –  Friends, Romans, Countrymen!  Lend me your ears!  Good sirs, rest thine ears upon my voice, and hear me as I say that in my four score years of leading mine knights into carefully manicured grassy fields of battle all across our land, this is the first and only time that anyone hath raised the issue of mine balls!  Merry, it surpriseth me greatly to hear men complain of a trivial happenstance, as surely as it would surpriseth me were I to waken on the morrow to find that the sun’s exuberant colors had transferred from yellow to green.

PRESS MAN #2 – Foul!  Foul!  Scandal most foul!  A plague on your house, King Belichik!  For thou failest to taketh the fall in this fake story that we hath manufactured out of whole cloth!  Thou hast thrown Sir Thomas of Brady under the bus!

TYPICAL COLTS FAN –  To inflate or not to inflate?  That is the question.  Whether tis nobler in the mind to inflate your balls to 12.5 pounds per square inch, or to take air out of your balls until they are 11.5 pounds per square inch, and in doing so, ruin them?  To inflate, to deflate, to inflate perchance to dream?  Ay, there’s the rub…on our balls!

SIR THOMAS OF BRADY – Tomorrow, tomorrow, and tomorrow…inflated balls are a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, and signifying slow news days…

COLTS FAN #2 – O, I see Queen Mab!  Come she does, the Queen of the Fairies!  And she telleth me true, she fills my ears with the melodious truth, that had our balls been comprised of more air, we surely would not have had our asses handed to us in a massacre in which we lost by 40 points!  Fi!  By the beard of God I say had the game ball had one but one more pound of pressure inside of it, we would have fought boldly like the mighty warriors of the coliseum of old!

ENTER FOX AND COMPANIONS – Forsooth and hark, for we are Fox and Companions!  Bringeth yon noble viewers news of the death of the Saudi Arabian King?  Nay!  Bringeth ye news of the resignation of the Yemen Government?  Nay!  Gather round and hear a tale of balls deflated with vigorous gusto!

PRESS MAN #3 – But soft!  What lies through yonder window breaks?!  It tis the east, and the underinflated balls are the sun!  Arise fair balls, and kill the envious moon, whose maid art sick and pale with grief, that her maid’s balls are far more inflated than yours!

PATRIOTS FAN -(also holding a football like it was a skull) –  Alas, poor football, I knew him, Horatio.  Twas a football of great jest and most excellent fancy!  Once inflated to 12.5 pounds per square inch and then alas, deflated to a paltry 11.5 square pounds per inch by rapscallions of ignominious cunning and unscrupulous alacrity. Our knights, once a great bastion of the game, now reduced to wicked pissah jokes about deflated balls.

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I don’t like to get too controversial on the Bookshelf Battle.

You have your views on the world.  I have mine.  Someone else has theirs.  That guy has his.  Put four people in a room, ask them a question, and you might get five different answers.  Yes, I said five.  One person might be confused.

That being said, this ball inflation story is the dumbest, most blatantly manufactured non-news story I’ve ever seen.  You’ve got Isis running amuck.  The President and Cabinet of Yemen just resigned rather than face the wrath of rebels.  Boko Haram is wondering around Africa kidnapping every school girl they can find.  The King of Saudi Arabia just died.  What will that mean for the direction of the Middle East?

And what’s on my TV?  Detailed reports of the size, color, and consistency of the New England Patriots’ balls.

Ahem, their footballs.

Yes, I made that hacky joke.


Look, I’m a nerd and I’m proud of it.  I don’t know much about football at all.  I don’t really even see the point. One guy throws a ball.  Another guy catches it.  They run around and try to take the ball from each other.  And everyone watches it like its the greatest thing in the world.

And God Bless you if you like it.  I’m not knocking it.  To each their own.

But with my limited knowledge of football, I have to assume that since the Colts lost against the Patriots 47-7, NO AMOUNT OF BALL INFLATION IN THE WORLD COULD HAVE HELPED THEM!

I’m sorry.  This whole story just sounds like sour grapes.  The ball has more air.  The ball has less air.  Who gives a crap?  If you’re a football expert, please explain how more or less air can affect ball handling.  No, that’s not even a joke.  I want to know how air in a ball can affect the handling of a ball.  What?  Stop laughing!

And I mean, we can all get along.  If you think the Patriots are like, Public Enemy #1 now because they allegedly used improperly inflated balls, then please feel free to say so.

It’s not like I really even care one way or the other, but I just feel the press has a duty to report the news, not invent it, and all these talking heads opining about “who knew how much air was in the ball?” and “why wasn’t there enough air in the ball?”  and so on, just seems like people talking for the sake of hearing themselves talk.

And people need to stop calling this “Ballgazi.”  People actually died in Benghazi.  I don’t even like calling it Ballgate.  Watergate was a serious criminal operation that greatly dragged down the American people’s faith in government.  Meanwhile, this story is about a ball.

A ball!  Stop talking about balls!!!

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George RR Martin Likes Football, Thrones Snubbed

George RR Martin, Almighty Creator of Westeros, likes football.  Want proof?  Check out his blog:



1)  Yes.  He still uses Livejournal.  Supposedly he also still writes his stuff on an old MS DOS Computer.

(Cue Bob Saget How I Met Your Mother Narrator) – Kids, there was a time before Windows when you had to type out instructions of what you wanted your computer to do before it did anything…

2)  Is it possible to like football and be a nerd?  Should I be worried he’s losing his nerd cred?

3)  Forget I asked that.  The man created an epic fantasy world and for Christ’s Sake, he wears a Fisherman’s Cap wherever he goes.  His nerdyness is beyond reproach or question.

4)  I did feel bad about this excerpt that George RR wrote:

As for the non-football contests, yes, of course, GAME OF THRONES lost another Golden Globe. This one to THE AFFAIR. Nothing unexpected there, and I am glad I saved myself some time and money and stayed home. Sad to say, I don’t think any fantasy will ever win a Golden Globe. The prejudice against genre shows runs too deep. I did think Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were great, however, and I liked Allan Cummings in his peach suit-shirt-tie ensemble.

I’ve never seen The Affair.  I assume it’s a decent enough show.  I have a bias for Game of Thrones because I think it should win everything.  And if you want affairs, that show has them every two seconds.  But it is sad that this author who’s an expert of the fantasy genre, obviously based on his vast knowledge and experience, concludes fantasy could never win an award due to bias.

Why isn’t Game of Thrones deserving of a Golden Globe?  How many shows have there been that are so epic and sweeping in scope, so complicated in terms of plot, and yet have been able to attract so many viewers, and rivet them to a story that features so many different complex characters?  GOT is the only show like that, that I can think of.

Again, nothing against The Affair, but I doubt it could possibly have a moment like GOT had last year, where I felt my heart literally sink when The Viper, er, uh, well let’s not give away a spoiler and just say he celebrated too soon.

Back to George RR liking football.  Here’s a question for everyone.  If NFL teams were Game of Thrones Houses, who would be who?

Here’s my lineup:


NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS/HOUSE LANNISTER – OK.  I’m going to lay it out for you.  Their owner is Bob Kraft.  Bitch, the man owns cheese.  Every time you put cheese on your taco the man gets a quarter.  Like Tywin, he can put lots of money toward getting the best players.

BALTIMORE RAVENS/HOUSE GREYJOY – The Greyjoys aka the “Iron Born.”  Those a-holes run around Westerns with their slogans of “We Do Not Sow” and “We Pay the Iron Price.”  In other words, they aren’t exactly law abiding citizens, and as seen last year, neither was their star player, Ray Rice.  Although, that might not be fair, as the NFL has been kind of mired as of late with one story after another with players on various teams being accused of wrongdoing.  (I could also insert the Oakland Raiders here, but the jokes write themselves).

You guys take it away and finish the list.  Because honestly, I’m a nerd and don’t know a whole helluvalot about football.  So God help me, I might be a bigger nerd than George RR Martin.  And that’s saying something.

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A Nerd’s Eye View on the Ray Rice Scandal

At the outset, let me reiterate – this site is run by a nerd.   In other words, I don’t know much about sports.  So if I say something wrong about football, give me a break, OK?  (By the way, how many tackles are in a home run anyway?)

In the wake of TMZ releasing footage of Ray Rice punching his then fiance (now wife), people are rightly angry at NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.  They want to know what did he know and when did he know it.  Did he see this video when he approved a deal earlier this year that only suspended Rice for two games?  Shouldn’t Rice have been kicked out earlier anyway since there was, at the time, video available that showed him dragging her limp body out of the elevator, and could it not have been surmised, without the footage that made the incident even more “real,” that if a guy is dragging a woman out of an elevator, he must have done something bad?

I think it is great that people are upset.  My only question – what took you all so long?

Ray Rice isn’t the first football player to ever abuse a significant other. He isn’t even the first football player to be accused of committing a crime.   He’s just the first one to do it in front of a camera, thus providing shocking footage that the media can show over and over again.  Other football player scandals seem to come, go, and be forgotten.  Apparently, video tape is required to make a scandal stick.

People like Rice dishonor the game – a game I know nothing about, but hey a lot of other people do so there must be something good about it.  For every Ray Rice out there, there are probably a hundred undiscovered players who would a) love a chance at the big time and b) not do anything to embarrass/dishonor the NFL if asked to join a team.

Whether it’s Plaxico Burress tucking a gun in his pants or Ray Rice punching his girlfriend, there are just too many replacements available for the NFL to have to worry about dodging and deflecting scandals.  Obviously I don’t know what goes through the mind of the people who run the NFL or the Baltimore Ravens.  I doubt that any of them thought something as sinister as “Hey, no problem Ray, she deserved it after all!”  Rather, I assume they spent more time worrying about losing games due to the loss of a star player, fans getting angry over lost games, lost profits, etc.  Unfortunately for the NFL honchos, this was a situation where morality should have come above winning games and profits.

To keep these scandals from going out of control in the future, the NFL should just make a rule – If a player is charged with committing a felony, he gets suspended.  If, after his trial, he is not acquitted, then he’s fired completely, never to return to the NFL.  Such a rule will give the players clear guidance – if you screw up, there’s no damage control, there’s no hold a press conference and make your battered wife vouch for you, there’s no lackluster apologies – you’re simply out, your football career is over, and that’s it.  It gives the NFL guidance as well – fans are angry you cut a star player?  Tough luck, your hands are tied, the rule requires you to do it.

Notice I said the player has to be acquitted – none of these hire a great lawyer and get the case postponed forever deals where you promise to get counseling and take a class about how to not beat on women.

My opinion, such a rule would put NFL/TEAM leaders, and players alike, on notice.  At the end of the day, the player that screws up should be the one that takes the blame, and others shouldn’t be sucked into it.  It would be great if the NFL was strong enough to not get sucked into a player’s stupidity on its own, but apparently it is not.

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