Bookshelf Battle

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

Hey there, 3.5 readers. Due to some fancy footwork I, Bookshelf Q. Battler, was able to attend an advanced screening of the movie every sci-fi nerd has been dying to see and I can’t contain myself any longer!

SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!

OK.  You’ve been warned.  May the force be with you if you read further.

OK, here we go.  Sorry about that.  I calmed down. I’m fine now.

Our story begins with Rey, a young junk trader who happens upon the wrecked hull of an old, crashed star destroyer. Carefully, and with the assistance of her trusty companion BB-8, she lowers herself into the belly of the ship to look around and see if there’s anything she can scavenge.

Oh, what does she find? Oh it’s so amazing. I don’t think I will spoil it for you just yet. I want your jaw to drop when you see it.  Go see it then come back here and tell me about it.

BUT – a contingent of stormtroopers patrolling the area want it too and Rey has to beat feet out of there.  Poor little BB-8 can barely keep up. He beeps and boops a number of complaints on the way out.

All seems doomed until….HOORAY!!!! Han Solo and Chewbacca, now in their advanced age, happen to be flying by in the Millennium Falcon after getting into some mischief and they blast the shit out of the storm troopers and save Rey.

Han’s all like, “Well I hope there’s a good reason why I stuck my neck out for you kid.”

And Rey shows Han and Chewie the artifact that she’s found. Chewie goes bonkers and wants no part of this (which he communicates through a series of growls that Han translates) but Han talks him into helping out.

Han explains to Rey that the only man that can help them now is Luke Skywalker, who we learn has been ex-communicated from the Jedi order because…

Oh geez.  Should I tell you? It’s really a big spoiler. In fact, it was a very bold decision by Disney if you ask me.

Luke Skywalker is a) gay and b) has married a male alien, Fazli Sekpo (sorry, I’m not sure if I’m spelling that right. Fazli is a Kweloni, a humanoid race with yellow scales and a permanently furrowed brow. I don’t know if Fazli is just angry all the time or if that’s just what Kwelonis look like.

I can tell you this is a movie that could not have been made ten years ago but due to our socially progressive modern society, we can accept the fact that Luke is homosexual but still remains our trusty, beloved hero after all of these years.

I discussed this choice with my friends on the way home. Everyone was cool with Luke being gay.  That wasn’t a problem. We were divided on whether or not it was ok to be with someone outside of your species though.

One buddy of mine declared “that’s totally bestiality!” and I was like, well, no, Fazli is a sentient, intelligent being so why would it be wrong to have a relationship with a being like that?

And then he was all like, “Well if my dog started talking I wouldn’t marry him!”

And then I was like, “Fazli’s a bit more advanced than your dog, you closed minded caveman!”

Then we both apologized.  But I tell you just from what I see on social media, a lot of people are having this same argument. People are going to be talking about it a long time.

Personally, I think that sucks that Luke was kicked out of the Jedi order for being with the man he loves. The Jedis say it wasn’t for that.  You just aren’t allowed to marry anyone as a Jedi.  Love interferes with your Jedi training. Anakin wasn’t allowed to marry Amidala after all.  Are the Jedis on the level or are they anti gay rights? I don’t know.

There is a theory that we might find out Fazli is actually a woman in a future movie.  We may just not understand what that particular alien race is like and maybe we assume certain things that Fazli does make him a man when he’s actually a woman. There were some hints at that.  I don’t think so.  But we’ll see.

OK.  Moving on. That wasn’t even the biggest controversy. So Captain Phasma is pissed.  Totally pissed that her storm troopers lost Rey.  So she sends a squad after Rey, but Finn, a storm trooper, has second thoughts and bails out the mission.

He doesn’t want to be a storm trooper anymore. He’s felt this way a long time.  He has been able to do odd things since he was a child.  Move things with his hand and so on.  He kept it to himself.  He grew up on a planet run by Empire holdouts (led by the dastardly Kylo Ren) and they’ve declared anyone with Jedi like abilities will be executed, so Finn always kept his abilities to himself.

But no longer.  He can’t allow a woman his age to become storm trooper blast fodder. So he tracks down Rey, Han and Chewie and Luke and they get together and plan out their next move.

They are summoned by Princess Leia Organa, now Queen Leia.  You see, she was chosen by the good beings of Naboo to hold the throne her mother once held.

It was a split decision between the humans and the gungans. Jar Jar makes a brief cameo as the deciding vote in Leia’s favor.  Everyone booed and screamed and threw popcorn and tomatoes and shit at the screen.

Leia is married to Lando Calrissian now and Billy Dee Williams looks good for a dude pushing 80.  He cheats on Leia often with hot green space babes though, and Leia misses Han.

Han misses Leia too and they agree that if they get through this ordeal alive, that Leia will divorce Lando and marry Han.  Chewie will officiate, having been an ordained minister for years.

C3P0 and R2D2 are the surprise villains of this flick.  They’re tired of being the comic relief for six f$%king movies and want in on the real action.  So they give up the Falcon’s location to Kylo Ren, who calls Captain Phasma in to blow all the heroes up and that is it.

That’s how it ends.  With every character from Star Wars you ever loved being totally dead.  The only one left is Jar Jar, who dawns Darth Vader’s mask (the item Rey found in the beginning) and pledges to finish what Darth started.  Jar Jar and “Ani” were old pod racing buddies after all.

Jesus, you read this far?  You’re very dedicated. OK.  Admission.  This is all made up and I did not see the movie at all.  I hope to soon.  And they should adopt this post as the script for the sequel.