Bookshelf Battle

Charlie and Stephen were on their knees, hands behind their heads with their fingers interlocked. Their captor paced back and forth, eyeballing them. His hefty gut overflowed over the top of his pants.

“Name’s Dapper Dan,” the bald man said. “On account of my impressive physique.”

Normally, Charlie played it cool in such situations, but his face betrayed him as he shot Dan a look as if to silently ask, “Really?”

“Name made more sense twenty years ago,” Dan said with a frown. “I’ve let myself go.”

Charlie and Stephen exchanged confused looks.

“Noooo,” Charlie said. “I don’t see that. Stephen, do you see that?”

“Not at all,” Stephen replied.

“It’s like we’re staring at an Adonis,” Charlie said.

“Stop,” Dan said. “It happens to the best of us as we get older. Russ!”

Dan’s sidekick, a goofy looking doofus with a bowl haircut stepped over with his pistol drawn.

“My assistant,” Dan said. “Big Russ.”

“Howdy,” Russ said.

“Hello,” Charlie replied.

Russ seemed to be of average height and weight, prompting Dan to explain the irony.

“He’s big elsewhere,” Dan said.

Charlie and Stephen had no comment.

“It’s time to pay the toll, boys,” Dan said.

“What?” Charlie asked.

“We’re the toll collectors,” Dan said.

“Toll collectors?” Charlie asked.

“You got shit in your ears, boy?” Dan asked. “Toll collectors. It’s time to pay your fucking toll!”

“Fellas,” Charlie said. “Maybe I’m missing something here. Is this some new thing Al Swearengen has set up? Because he and I have an understanding. I kick up to him once a month and he leaves me be.”

“Fuck Al Swearengen,” Dan shouted. “We’re self-appointed toll collectors! We don’t need anybody’s fucking permission to collect a toll!”

Charlie gulped. “No problem, gents. We’re just talking about material possessions here. Wagon’s yours.”

“I know it is,” Dan said.

“Take whatever you want,” Charlie said. “You won’t get any sass from me.”

“We want more,” Dan said.

The day before in Cheyenne, Charlie had done a lot of business, charging fees to transport packages and letters to Deadwood. All the coins he received added up and he kept them in a little burlap sack that he kept tied to his belt.

“I’m going to reach down for something slowly,” Charlie said.

“Don’t you try nothing,” Dan said.

“I won’t,” Charlie said as he untied the sack from his belt. He jingled it to prove that it was filled with money, then tossed it at Dan’s feet. “How’s that for a toll?”

Dan kept his gun trained at the Utter brothers as he nodded at Russ. Russ picked up the bag and looked inside.

“Oh,” Russ said as he handed the sack over to Dan. “That’s a good toll.”

Dan took a peak. “Yeah. That’s good. But not enough.”

“Not sure what else I have that I could offer you,” Charlie said. “You got something in mind? Maybe we can make a deal.”

Much to Charlie’s surprise, Dan stepped closer and started rubbing his greasy mitts through the businessman’s clean hair. “Oh I got something in mind, alright. Such a pretty, pretty man.”

Stephen dropped his head down in defeat. Charlie closed his eyes in disgust and took a moment, then tried again.

“I was thinking more along the lines of a promissory note?” Charlie said.

Blam! A gunshot interrupted the conversation, a development that Charlie did not mind at all.

Dan kept his shotgun pointed at the Utters but turned his head just enough to see that Jane was standing behind him.

She was holding a gun.

“Nick?” Dan asked.

“That his name?” Jane asked. “Fucking face down in the dirt dead is all he is now. Just like you’ll be if you don’t point that twelve-gauge away from my friends here.”

“Jane,” Charlie said. “Maybe a more diplomatic tone is in order?”

“Shut the fuck up, Charlie,” Jane replied. “No one asked you.”

“Fair enough,” Charlie said.

“You got no play, bitch,” Dan said as he pointed his shotgun at Charlie. “You shoot me I shoot him.”

“I’ll take my chances,” Jane said. “You look slower than molasses in January, lard ass.”

“Then Big Russ will shoot your other friend,” Dan said as he nodded his head towards his partner in crime, who had his pistol trained at the back of Stephen’s head.

“He doesn’t look that big,” Jane said.

Charlie piped up again. “You don’t want to know.”

“Well fuck me,” Jane said. “Looks like we got ourselves an honest to God Mexican standoff here and not even a damn Mexican in sight.”

“Looks like it,” Dan said.

“We’re all just destined to stand here like a bunch of assholes forever and ever until one day someone happens by and finds a bunch of fucking skeletons pointing guns at each other,” Jane said.

“Or you just walk away, cunt,” Dan said.

“What did you just call me?” Jane asked.

Charlie winced. “Oh now you’ve done it.”

“Don’t call me a cunt you fucking cunt,” Jane said. “Why the fuck would I walk away when I’m the only one without a gun pointed at me? ”

“She’s got you there, boss,” Russ said.

“Shut the fuck up, Russ!” Dan shouted.

“Can either of you jackasses read?” Jane asked.

“Huh?” Dan asked.

“Jesus Christ,” Jane said. “Did I just have a fucking brain fit and start talking Chinese and not know it? Do either of you know your letters?”

“I know my letters,” Russ said.

“Why don’t you read what it says on the side of that wagon?” Jane asked.

“Don’t do it,” Dan said. “It’s a trick.”

“Shut the fuck up mongoloid,” Jane said to Dan, and then to Russ. “Do it.”

Russ looked like his brain was about to explode from the pressure. He looked at Dan, then at Jane, back and forth. Finally, he kept his gun on Stephen as he turned his head to read what was written on the side of the wagon.

“Utter Freight.”

“Holy shit,” Jane said. “Down at the bottom, you slack jawed monkey.”

Russ squinted at the bottom of the wagon. “C. Utter, M.J. Canarry and J.B Hickok, Partners.”

The scumbags each did a double-take. “Hickok?” Russ asked, as he began to tremble nervously.

He looked at Dan. “You didn’t tell me this was a Goddamn Wild Bill Hickock outfit!”

Dan stuttered. “I…I…I..didn’t…shit…you think I fucking knew that?!”

The duo dropped their weapons and shot their hands straight up in the air.

“Yeah,” Jane said. “Now you know.”

A stream of hot piss ran down Dan’s leg. “Please Ma’am…”

“Oh its Ma’am now huh?” Jane said. “A minute ago it was ‘cunt.’”

“Just a little misunderstanding,” Dan said. “There’s no need to tell Bill about this, is there?”

Jane walked around Dan and stood behind Stephen and Charlie. She motioned for Dan and Russ to back away. They complied like obedient worms.

“I don’t know,” Jane said. “I’m feeling chatty as fuck. On your knees.”

Dan and Russ obeyed.

“Hands behind your heads.”

More obedience.

Jane looked at Charlie and Stephen. “What the fuck are you dummies waiting for? An engraved invitation? Get the fuck up!”

“Just following your lead,” Charlie said as he and his brother rose to their feet.

Jane pressed the barrel of her gun against Dan’s forehead.

“How’s that feel?” Jane asked.

“Not good,” Dan answered.

“Jane,” Charlie said.

“Get ready to meet your maker…”

“Jane!” Charlie shouted.

“What?!” Jane shouted back.

“Maybe a little clemency is in order?” Charlie asked.

“Goddamn it, Charlie!” Jane barked. “I don’t tell you how to do your job. Don’t you tell me how to do mine!”

“The threat’s been removed,” Charlie said.

Jane was furious. “These two shitheels were going to rob you…”

Stephen butted in. “And rape us.”

Jane’s eyes widened as she stared at Dan and Russ. “You were going to rape them?!”

“What?!” Dan asked incredulously. “No!”

Russ added. “No, no. Not at all.”

Jane waited for the confession.

Dan pinched his thumb and pointer finger together. “O.K. maybe there would have been a small to moderate amount of rape.”

“A very brief amount of rape,” Russ said.

Jane’s finger hovered over the trigger.

“Jane,” Charlie said ever so calmly.

“Ugggh!” Jane cried. “Fuck you and your sanctimonious conscience, Charlie!”

And then to the two galoots on the ground, “Up!”

They stood up.

“Take your clothes off,” Jane ordered.

Dan and Russ looked at each other, confused.

“Fuck!” Jane shouted. “Am I speaking Chinaman talk again?!”

The bandits pulled their shirts off.

“And your trousers!”

Both sets of pants dropped to the ground.

“And your drawers!” Jane insisted.

The criminals were now standing before Jane, butt naked.

“Russ, you are a fucking liar,” Jane said.

Charlie stifled a chuckle.

“Turn around you Goddamn perverts,” Jane ordered.

Charlie, Stephen and Jane found themselves staring at the two most hideous, pimply, sweaty, rash infested derrières they had ever seen.

“Don’t you two pieces of shit ever show your ugly mugs in Deadwood or that will be the end of you, you hear me?”

“Yes ma’am,” they replied in unison.

“There’s another town about ten miles south,” Jane said. “Start marching.”

Dan and Russ walked away.

“Stop! Jane shouted. They did so.

“When you get there,” Jane said. “You both have to stand in the town square, naked as you are, and publicly declare that you’re a couple of lowlife dumb as fuck inbred perverts who were bested by a woman.”

“Oh come on,” Dan said.

“Wild Bill’s got friends everywhere!” Jane shouted. “If you don’t do it, he’ll know!”

Dan sighed. “Alright.”

“March!”

Dan and Russ walked away, defeated. Jane uncoiled her whip.

“Hey Charlie,” Jane said. “You ever seen one of these? It’s a fucking rope you can put wherever you want it to go.”

Jane whirled the whip around and around over her head then released it, sending the end sailing through the air until it landed on Dan’s backside. He jumped and grabbed his pained cheeks.

She cracked the whip against Russ’s ass so he wouldn’t feel left out.

“Fun toy,” Charlie said. “I’m sure it will provide you endless hours of pleasure.”

“It will,” Jane said.

“Thank you, Jane,” Charlie said.

“Aww don’t mention it.” Jane coiled up her whip, returned it to her belt, then climbed into the back of the wagon. Seconds later she called out, “Ready when you are, Mr. Utter!”

The Utter brothers remained in place for awhile.

“You were not pulling my leg about her,” Stephen said.

“Nope,” Charlie said.

Charlie pointed at Dan and Russ as they walked towards the horizon.

“And that, dear brother, is how Wild Bill Hickok earns his keep.”

August 2, 1876

A covered wagon rambled through the countryside. Painted across the canvas in black lettering were two words, “Utter Freight.”

Charlie Utter sniffed in the morning air and felt mighty proud of himself. He was a meticulous man, a true believer in the old adage ‘a place for everything and everything in its place.’

The inside of his wagon was immaculate. Boxes, crates, parcels, letters, tools, goods, equipment and supplies all stacked in an orderly manner. The only thing that looked out of place was the woman sleeping on the floor in the middle of all of it.

Martha “Calamity Jane” Cannary was a beautiful mess. As she slept, she snored loudly and her mouth was open wide enough for flies to not only buzz into but stay awhile. Her long black hair was a tangled shambles and a strand of it blew up with every exhale and fell down with every inhale.

Her hat had fallen underneath the back of her head and was getting crushed. A cord fastened to it dangled around her neck, keeping it from getting lost.

She wore a white shirt, black vest, trousers, leather riding chaps with fringe on the sides and boots with spurs. Two six-shooters were holstered on either side of her belt. A rifle wasn’t far out of her reach.

And much to Charlie’s dismay, she clutched a nearly empty whiskey bottle under her arm as if it were a teddy bear.

Charlie, in contrast, was a teetotaler. He never drank anything stronger than coffee and wore a very clean outfit. His coat and pants were both made out of buckskin, which he washed regularly, whether it stank or not, a practice that was simply unheard of at the time.

He kept his blonde hair slicked back with pomade and shaved daily, again, another rarity in those days.

Charlie’s black haired brother, Stephen, was wide-awake and sat up front to keep him company.

“I have to say it, Charlie,” Stephen said. “I thought you were exaggerating in your letter, but you have truly made something of yourself out here.”

“I told you I wasn’t just whistling Dixie,” Charlie replied. “Fully established delivery route between Deadwood and Cheyenne. I can’t keep up with the demand. I need to start running a second wagon and I’d rather keep the business in the family. You say the word and that wagon is yours.”

Stephen took a swig of water out of a canteen. “I might just take you up on that.”

The sun rose higher in the sky as Charlie’s horses trotted onward.

“Charlie,” Stephen said. “This probably isn’t any of my business…”

“Let me stop you right there,” Charlie said. “If you have to say it probably isn’t any of your business then it definitely isn’t your business.”

“Even so,” Stephen said. “This arrangement you have with your partners…”

“What about it?” Charlie asked.

“You’re the only one doing any work,” Stephen said. “Seems to me like you’re being horn swaggled.”

“Oh,” Charlie said. “Don’t concern yourself. I haven’t made a bad deal yet.”

Stephen peaked into the back of the wagon. Jane was busily scratching herself in inappropriate places.

“She looks like a bad deal to me,” Stephen said.

“Who?” Charlie asked. “Jane? She’s my muscle.”

Stephen laughed and laughed hard. “Oh. Oh that was funny. Come on. What’s she really do?”

“I told you,” Charlie said.

“Are you two some kind of item or something?” Stephen asked.

“No,” Charlie said.

“I won’t tell Louise,” Stephen said.

“Tell her whatever you want,” Charlie said. “There’s nothing like that going on.”

“Then what is she here for?” Stephen asked.

“Sometimes on the trail you run across people who need to be shot,” Charlie explained. “Jane shoots them for me. She’s my bodyguard. Simple as that.”

“Fine,” Stephen said. “Keep pulling my leg all day then. But what about Hickok?”

“What about him?” Charlie asked.

“He’s not even here,” Stephen said. “How does he earn his keep?”

“That’s a longer story,” Charlie said. “You see…”

Charlie held that thought as he spotted half a dozen riders lined up on a hilltop off in the distance. One of them peered right at Charlie’s wagon through a spy glass for a moment, then collapsed it. As soon as he did, all six riders made their way down the hill.

“Tarnation,” Charlie said.

“What?” Stephen asked.

“It’s not good,” Charlie answered. “Jane!”

Charlie snapped the reigns. His horses picked up speed. The riders fanned out and flanked the wagon. Two on the left. Two on the right. Two at the back.

“Jane!” Charlie shouted even louder this time.

The bodyguard was lost in a deep sleep.

The riders opened fire. Bullets tore through the canvas.

Charlie drew his pistol but the trigger, the hammer, all the different parts…it was too confusing for him. He only really carried it to complete his frontiersman look. He passed it off to his brother.

“Here. Shoot someone will you? Jane!”

Stephen took aim at one of the riders and fired a shot but missed.

“Jane!” Charlie shouted. “There’s bandits trying to kill us! I need you to look alive!”

Inside the wagon, a bullet tore through a barrel of beer, causing a steady stream to trickle out onto Jane’s head. She sat right up and poked her head out through the front of the wagon.

“Hey you horse’s ass!” Jane shouted. “There’s bandits trying to kill us! You think you might have told me!”

Based on many, many past experiences with Jane, Charlie knew better than to argue.

“My mistake,” Charlie said as he ducked his head down and snapped the reigns again. “Think you can do something about it?”

Back in the wagon, Jane gulped the last bit of whiskey, then picked up her rifle. “For fuck’s sake, I have to do everything around here.”

Jane took a position at the back of the wagon and picked off one bandit, landing a bullet in his head that knocked him off his horse. She pulled the lever on her rifle to load up another bullet and was about to take another shot when…

Snap!

The second bandit riding behind the wagon cracked a whip that curled around Jane’s legs.

“Oh don’t you fucking dare,” Jane shouted.

The bandit, a particularly grizzly looking fiend with a scarred up face, smiled then pulled back on the whip and yanked Jane clear out of the back of the wagon.

As Jane’s arms flailed about wildly, she dropped her rifle. She soared through the air until she hit the ground hard only to find herself being dragged across the rocky ground at a rapid speed by a gruesome fellow who wasn’t too concerned about her well-being.

Stephen took a few more shots at the bandits on the right side of the wagon, then looked back.

“Charlie! You just lost your bodyguard!”

Bullock had found himself in the unenviable predicament of being swarmed by Deadwood’s most revered dignitaries.

First came a man in top hat and tails, though the lime green stripes didn’t say much about his sense of fashion. (Much of anything positive, anyway.)

Nervously, he read some prepared notes from a piece of paper in his trembling hand.

“Delighted to make your acquaintance, Mr. Bullock. Mayor E.B. Farnum…”

The mayor looked up from his paper and stretched out his hand. “That’s me.”

Bullock shook his hand. “Hello.”

“…at your service and…”

The mayor squinted at the paper. “…if there is anything I can do to make your stay in our humble town more pleasant, please don’t hesitate to let me know.”

“Thank you,” Bullock said.

The mayor scratched a rash on his neck, then folded up the paper and returned it to his pocket. “Honestly, I’ll level with you and tell you that was just some standard bullshit I say to all new people.”

“I figured,” Bullock said.

“At least new people who are worth a shit or two,” the Mayor said. “And further, I suppose if you think of something I could do to make your time here more pleasant, you’re welcome to tell me, though in truth, there won’t be much I will be able to do about it, so tell me or keep it to yourself. Your call.”

“OK then,” Bullock said.

“Achoo!” The Mayor sneezed then wiped his snotty nose across the sleeve of his spiffy outfit. “Pardon me. Allergies.”

Next up was a bespectacled man wearing a green eye shade. “A.W. Merrick, Mr. Bullock. Publisher, Editor, and Lead Journalist of the Deadwood Dispatch.”

“Mr. Merrick,” Bullock said.

Merrick held up a copy of his paper. It featured a photo Bullock had taken of himself long ago when he ran for Sheriff in Helena. Next to it was the headline, “Hero Sheriff Holds Back Angry Mob, Finishes Hanging.”
The newsman shook Bullock’s hand. “Mr. Bullock, you have no idea how pleased I am to meet you in person. When I heard the details of your heroics, I was so intrigued that I paid the Helena Clarion a pretty penny for the rights to reprint their story.”

“Just doing my job,” Bullock said.

“Oh no sir,” Merrick said. “Do not sell yourself short! There isn’t another lawman I can think of so dedicated to his duty that he would carry out justice at great risk to his personal safety. Sir, let me tell you, that’s just the kind of commitment to decency and moral fortitude that we need around here!”

Farnum threw up his hand in a “stop” motion. “OK, don’t hog the man all day, Merrick. Mr. Bullock, the Reverend tells us you two have already met.”

“We have,” the Reverend said. He walked up to Bullock, wrapped him up in an embrace, and ran his hand up and down Bullock’s back.

“Oh shit,” Bullock said. “He’s a hugger.”

“I am,” the Reverend replied as he pulled away. “It’s good to see you again, friend. I didn’t know of your excellent moral character until Mr. Merrick filled in all the details for me. I am so humbled to be in the presence of one of God’s finest Christian soldiers.”

The last man in the group had remained quiet the entire time. He was tall, but had a slight frame. His hairline was receding.

As for his facial hair, it was a remarkable work of art that he must have spent at least an hour a day working on. His mustache was long and protruded outward to form points at both ends. The beard itself extended all the way down past his collarbone and it too came to a point.

He wore a plain black suit and a bow tie.

“Mr. Bullock,” the Mayor said. “Allow me to present renowned combat surgeon, Doctor Valentine McGillicuddy.”

“Quite a moniker,” Bullock said as he put out his hand.

The doctor stared it for a moment and then begrudgingly shook it. “Yes.”

“Combat surgeon?” Bullock asked.

“Indeed,” Doctor McGillicuddy replied.

“Probably got a lot of stories,” Bullock said.

“Several, yes,” the doctor said.

“He’s a man of few words,” the mayor said. “Anyway, welcome to town, try not to get yourself killed and check your whores for rashes.”

The mayor scratched the red spots on his neck again. “I’ve heard it’s a good idea. I wouldn’t know. I don’t patronize houses of ill-repute, being the mayor and all.”

“I should hope not,” Bullock said.

The mayor opened the door. “See you around, Bullock.”

Merrick shut the door. “Not so fast.”

“Oh horse shit, Merrick,” the Mayor said. “Don’t even…”

Before the illustrious mayor could finish his words, Merrick had his arm around Bullock’s shoulder. “Mr. Bullock, are you aware that our dear town sheriff, Mr. Angus McKenna, passed away recently of natural causes?”

“I hadn’t heard,” Bullock replied.

“Stop wasting the man’s time,” the Mayor barked.

Merrick ignored him. “Mr. Bullock, I’ll have you know that the Reverend, the good doctor and I form the town council and we’ve been mulling over what a blessed twist of fate it is that a remarkable law man with such grit and courage as yourself happens to have made his way to us at the precise time we are in desperate need of law and order.”

“You’re the only one who has been mulling that over, Merrick,” the doctor said.

“The man just got into town,” the Mayor said. “He’s tired. Come on, let’s get out of his hair.”

“Gentlemen,” Merrick said. “Let’s put it to a vote.”

“That’s out of order,” the Mayor said as he scratched his neck. “You can only call something to a vote when there’s an official town council meeting in session.”

“The bylaws state that a town council meeting can be called to order whenever there’s a sufficient quorum present and I see all three members in the room.”

“I’m leaving,” Doctor McGillicuddy said.

“Doesn’t matter,” Merrick replied. “Two out of three and I now make a motion to call this meeting of the Deadwood town council to order. Can I get a second?”

“Damn it,” the doctor said.

Merrick nudged the Reverend. “Ahem. Reverend.”

“Hmm?” the Reverend replied.

“Do you second my motion to call this meeting to order?” Merrick asked.

“Oh yes,” the Reverend said. “This is all very exciting, isn’t it friends? Seconded.”

“Merrick,” the Mayor said. “Mr. Starr and Mr. Bullock are reputable businessmen. You can’t just fuck around…excuse me…mess around in their place of business all day long. Let’s go.”

Sol sat back and observed the entire show as if it were a twisted play unfolding before his very eyes. Bullock wasn’t sure what to make of the spectacle himself.

“Honorable members of the Deadwood town council,” Merrick said. “I move that we offer the position of town sheriff to our new resident, Mr. Seth Bullock. Do I have a second?”

Silence.

“You’re embarrassing yourself, newsman,” the Mayor said.

Merrick tapped the Reverend on the shoulder. “Seconded!” the Reverend said.

Doctor McGillicuddy slapped his forehead.

“And now for the official vote,” Merrick said. “All those in favor?”

Merrick shouted “aye,” then nudged the Reverend until he shouted “aye.”

“Dr. McGilliguddy,” Merrick said. “What say you?”

The doctor gave Bullock the stink eye and looked him over until he found a tiny bit of lint on Bullock’s shoulder and pulled it off.

“Nay,” the doctor said as he held up the lint. “This man clearly does take pride in his appearance, as evidenced by this abnormality, and if his attention to personal details is anything like his dedication to the law, then I should say we will all be doomed under his watch.”

Merrick was displeased. “Come now, Doctor…”

“Nay, I say!” the doctor said.

Doctor McGillicuddy distinctly winked his right eye at Bullock, then said. “And this man will not accept the position…if he knows what’s good for him.”

“Two out of three,” Merrick said. “The motion carries. Mr. Bullock, on behalf of the town council, I hereby offer you an appointment to the position of town sheriff. Specifically, if you accept, you will finish out the last remaining year of Sheriff McKenna’s term for a wage of fifty dollars a month.”

That statement was the first thing that piqued Bullock’s interest in the entire conversation.

“Fifty bucks?”

“A month,” Merrick repeated. “And of course, if you wish to continue after the year ends, you will have to run for a four year term and curry a majority of town wide votes.”

Bullock wasn’t expecting any of this. “Can I think on it?”

“Of course, Mr. Bullock,” Merrick said. “Think away. I realize this is a big undertaking but we would be so lucky to have you.”

“That’s just great,” the mayor said as he marched out of the store and slammed the door behind him.

Merrick left his parting words. “I hope you’ll take it.”

As for the Reverend, “May God rain his blessings upon you, friend.”

Doctor McGillicuddy said nothing. He joined his fellow dignitaries outside.

Once they were alone, Bullock consulted his friend.

“What in the hell was that collection of assholes?” Bullock asked.

“Those men, I’m sorry to say, are our benevolent town fathers,” Sol explained.

“Holy shit,” Bullock said.

“A fair assessment,” Sol said.

“Should I take the job?” Bullock asked.

“Oh no,” Sol said as he threw his hands up in the air.

“What?” Bullock asked.

“I’m not saying anything,” Sol said. “Seth, I’ve known you long enough to know that the quickest way to get you to do something is to tell you not to do it.”

It was a dilapidated shack. Thin, rickety boards slapped together through shoddy workmanship. The torn apart carcass of a raccoon lied prostrate on the front steps, having become a breeding ground for maggots.

Bullock pressed the toe of his boot up against the varmint’s hide and kicked it into the weeds, which were plentiful.

The inside was worse. It contained one single grimy bed. There was barely any room to move or do much of anything.

Martha, holding Maggie by the hand, gasped as she pointed to the wall. It was covered with faded blood stains.

“Disagreement amongst the prior tenants I suppose,” Bullock said.

“Stop making light of everything, Seth,” Martha said. “We’re in hell.”

“We are,” Bullock said as he rested his hands on his belt buckle. “Sol said in his letter that this place is a bit of a fixer upper but he did not elaborate.”

“There’s nothing better?” Martha asked.

Bullock walked outside and took a look around Finnegan’s Row. All of the houses were either in as bad condition or worse.

The tenant of the house directly to the right of the Bullock abode was an old timer with a face full of white whiskers. In a pair of tobacco stained long johns, he stepped out his front door long enough to puke his guts out all over his patch of weeds.

But at least he was polite about it. When he was done, he belched, wiped his chin, then threw out a cordial, “howdy neighbor” at Bullock before he went back inside.

Bullock grimaced but he didn’t want to be rude. “Howdy.”

He rejoined his wife to answer her question. “It would appear not.”

Maggie’s face filled with joy as she pointed and shouted, “Kitty!”

Martha was overcome by nausea when she spotted it – a fat rat scurrying its way around the corner.

Bullock made use of his boot again, prodding the tiny beastie towards the door.

“No Daddy!” Maggie protested. “I want to pet the kitty!”

“No darling,” Bullock said as he booted the obese rodent out the front door. “He’s a bad kitty.”
Martha sat on the edge of the bed and held her head in her hands.

Bullock took a seat next to her. He attempted to put his arm around her, but it was pushed away.

“I swear to you this will all get better,” Bullock said.

“That preacher was right,” Martha said. “This whole town should be burned to the ground.”

Bullock stood up. “Come on. Let’s go see Saul. He’ll show us the store. It will help you keep the faith.”

“I’m not going back out there,” Martha said. “And Maggie’s definitely not setting foot out there ever again.”

Bullock steeped outside again to survey the surroundings once more. While his neighbors were far from high society types, none of them looked conspicuously dangerous. The old man with the rotten gut was likely fast asleep. Across the way, an old gal rocked on her porch and knitted a sweater. A few houses down, a woman was hanging clothes on a line.

“I’ll just head over and see him then,” Bullock said from the front steps.

“You’re just going to leave us here?” Martha asked from inside.

“Martha,” Bullock said. “Will you buck up? We’re in the swankiest part of town!”

Martha expelled an exasperated sigh.

Bullock walked to the wagon, retrieved his shotgun and loaded it up with two shells. He walked back inside and placed it into his wife’s hands.

“Keep it pointed at the door. Shoot anyone that isn’t me or Maggie. Got it?”

Martha breathed deeply then exhaled. “Got it.”

Deadwood, Dakota Territory

August 1, 1876

There was gold in them there hills. The Black Hills, to be exact.

It was land that had been promised to the Lakota, but once an expedition led by General Custer discovered gold, people flocked there from all over the country, and even from different parts of the world, in search of fortune.

The result was Deadwood – a mining camp that kept expanding until it became a makeshift town filled with sinners, drunkards, gamblers, cheats, cutthroats, con men and other assorted degenerates looking to make a quick buck while living outside the laws of the United States.

It made Dodge City look like a picnic and Tombstone bare a striking resemblance to a bridal shower. In short, it was, by far, the most lawless settlement in the West.

And it showed. Oh how it showed, as the Bullocks rode into town on a wagon pulled by Abner. It showed so much that Martha had insisted on keeping her hands over Maggie’s eyes as soon as they reached the town limits.

Saloons with painted whores strutting about like alley cats on the balcony, some of them bare chested, many sans clothes all together.

“Hi there handsome,” one shouted down at Mr. Bullock. His face turned red and he looked away to focus on the reigns.

Yet, he could feel Mrs. Bullock’s disdainful glare cutting through him.

“So it’s a little rambunctious,” Mr. Bullock said.

The glass window of a saloon shattered as a rum soaked bum was thrown into the road, face first.

Seconds later, the large, burly man who did the throwing stepped out to admonish his victim.

“I catch you coming in here again with a fucking ace up your sleeve and I’ll cut you from gills to gizzard, you no good shit stained cocksucker!”

And thus, Mrs. Bullock felt the need to keep one hand over Maggie’s eyes and use her free hand to cover Maggie’s left ear. She snuggled her child up closer to her bosom, hoping that might keep the right ear from hearing anything.

“So, there are some colorful characters,” Mr. Bullock said. His attempts to diffuse the situation only caused Mrs. Bullock to become more resolute in her glaring.

The road was not a good place to be thrown. The bum lifted his face up to reveal that it was covered in shit. So was the road. It was, quite literally, more shit than dirt. Horse shit and well, not that the old West was known for exacting sanitation standards, but there were few people in Deadwood who were even trying.

Mrs. Bullock caught a glimpse of the problem when a middle-aged balding man stepped out of a tavern, dropped his drawers, took a squat, and did his business right on the side of the road.

“OK,” Mr. Bullock said. “That’s a problem.”

“You just had to hang him,” Mrs. Bullock lamented.

“I did,” Mr. Bullock said. “It was my job.”

Off to the right, a man with a bushy beard raised his gun in the air and took three shots. Instinctively, the noise made Mr. Bullock reach for his piece, but he relaxed when he noticed the man was swigging from a bottle of gin and shouting, “Yeehaw!”

“And now this is our life,” Mrs. Bullock said.

As the Bullocks ventured further into town, they eventually came across a Reverend dressed all in black. He was standing in the middle of the road, proselytizing to a populace who had little interest in what he had to say.

Even so, that didn’t faze him in the slightest.

“Repent, sinners!” the Reverend shouted. “Repent! Abandon your wicked ways or be judged unworthy in the eyes of God!”

A few cowpokes sitting around a table outside a saloon heckled the preacher relentlessly.

“Shut the fuck up, Reverend!”

Another one grabbed his crotch. “Judge this ya’ fuckin faggot!”

The Reverend was tall, well over six feet. His hair was dark black. He didn’t have a mustache, just the beard. One might have even considered him to be handsome, had it not been for his eyes.

They were piercing. Vacant. It was as if there was so much on his mind that he was looking past people so that he could pay attention to the voluminous thoughts that swirled about in his brain.

Whatever was going on inside his head, he certainly was passionate about his work. He licked his finger, flipped through the pages of his bible, then flailed his finger about, high in the air, as he read.

“And so Lot went out and spoke to his sons-in-law, who were pledged to marry his daughters and said, ‘Hurry and get out of this place, because the Lord is about to destroy the city!’ But his sons-in law thought he was joking.’”

The Reverend outstretched his arms and twirled around in a circle.

“My friends, do you think I am joking?” the Reverend asked. “This town is truly an abomination in the eyes of the Lord and I urge all of you to beg our Heavenly Father’s forgiveness, to repent and abandon your sinful debauchery, and most importantly, to leave this place before it is purged from the earth in all-consuming hellfire!”

“He’s convinced me,” Mrs. Bullock said. “Let’s go.”

Mr. Bullock snickered only to straighten out his face when he realized his wife wasn’t joking.

“Go ask him where we’re going,” Mrs. Bullock said.

“Who?” Mr. Bullock asked. “That guy?”

“He’s the least harmless person we’ve seen so far.”

“That’s not saying much.”

Mr. Bullock pulled his wagon up next to the Reverend who, completely oblivious, continued to read from his bible.

“By the time Lot reached Zoar, the sun had risen over the land. Then the Lord rained down burning sulfur on Sodom and Gomorrah, from the Lord out of the Heavens. Thus he overthrew those cities and the entire plain, destroying all those living in the cities and also the vegetation in the land. But Lot’s wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.”

Mr. Bullock waved his hand in an effort to catch the Reverend’s attention. “Reverend.”

It was of no use. The preacher was on a roll.

“Don’t you see, my friends? Don’t you see how this disgraceful place will most certainly suffer the same fate as Sodom and Gomorrah?”

“You’ll suffer my boot up your ass if you don’t shut the fuck up!” one of the cowpokes yelled.

Mr. Bullock tried a little louder. “Hey Reverend!”

As if jostled out of a delirium, the Reverend turned his head, closed his bible, and hurried over to the wagon.

“Oh,” the Reverend said. “Hello friends.”

The Reverend put out his hand and instantly weirded out the Bullocks by looking every which way but at their eyes. “The Reverend Henry Weston Smith. A distinct pleasure to meet you.”

“Howdy,” Mr. Bullock said. “Seth Bullock. My wife, Martha.”

“Hello Ma’am,” the Reverend said. Mrs. Bullock quickly shook the Reverend’s hand then returned it immediately to Maggie’s eyes.

“Our little one,” Mr. Bullock said. “Margaret.”

“Isn’t she darling?” Reverend Smith asked. “Might I be of some service?”

“Yeah,” Mr. Bullock said. “We’re new to town and my wife insists I need directions.”

“Oh it’s very simple,” the Reverend said. “Simply turn around and leave the way you came.”

Mr. Bullock chuckled, then straightened his face up again when he realized the Reverend was serious.

“Right, but…”

“Didn’t you hear my sermon?” the Reverend asked. “This town is slated to be consumed by hellfire and you fine folks certainly don’t want to be around when that happens.”

“Yeah,” Mr. Bullock said. “Good point, Reverend but you see I’ve got some money on the line so I reckon we’ll just have to take our chances.”

“Oh how terrible,” the Reverend said. “My condolences. What are you looking for?”

“Finnegan’s Row,” Mr. Bullock replied.

“Ah,” the Reverend said as he pointed down the road. “You aren’t far. Continue a good half-mile and the road veers off to the left and right. Take the left and you won’t miss it.”

“Left,” Bullock repeated.

“If you pass the stable you’ve gone too far,” the Reverend.

“Much obliged,” Mr. Bullock said.

“Think nothing of it,” the Reverend said. “I am here to help God’s children. It’s what I do.”

“Ok then.” Mr. Bullock snapped the reigns and Abner pulled the family deeper into Deadwood.

The Reverend shouted out, “Oh Mrs. Bullock!”

Startled, Mrs. Bullock craned her neck around to listen to what the Reverend had to say.

“Whatever you do, don’t look back!”

Mrs. Bullock waited to see if the Reverend would smile but he didn’t. Frightened, she whipped her head back and kept her eyes focused on the road ahead.

“He was kidding!” Mr. Bullock assured his wife.

“Are you sure?” Mrs. Bullock asked.

Mr. Bullock looked over to right, where two vagrants were pummeling each other bloody.

“Nope.”