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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 56

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“LOOK OUT, LADY!”

Miles threw himself onto Miss Bonnie, knocking her to the ground just in time to miss the piano as it flew over their heads.

Mr. and Mrs. Anderson weren’t so lucky. Curious about the commotion, the old couple stepped in front of the window just in time to be eviscerated, the collision causing little pieces of blood stained glass to rain down on the redhead and her unlikely hero.

The boy stood up and backed away. Miss Bonnie watched as the henchmen rose to their feet. They spread out their arms. Their clothes were torn to shreds as their bodies grew larger, nastier, and hairier.

It was sensory overload for Miss Bonnie. She trembled as she stood up. Her derringer was empty. She had no idea what the monsters before her were or how to fight them.

Miles was petrified. He had only seen two werewolves before – his father and himself in a mirror. He had never seen a werewolf that intended him harm. The sight caused his body to freeze stiff.

The drooling wolf men trudged closer. Hewitt raised his hand in the air, ready to bring his claws down on Miss Bonnie when he roared out in pain. A silver bullet tore through the beast’s cheek.

The hole did not close.

The hench-wolves turned away to see Joe Freeman cranking the lever of his rifle. Joe steadily delivered shot after shot, ripping his opponents apart. When Joe’s rifle ran out of ammo, he drew his pistol, but dropped it when Becker’s paw connected with his jaw. Joe was launched down the road, only to land on his feet.

The fire that engulfed what remained of the Bonnie Lass raged until the rest of the structure collapsed. The flames lapped at the surrounding buildings until they too ended up in a blaze.

Joe took off his silver bullet laden bandolier and dropped it along with his weapon. He wolfed out and roared. Werewolf roar translations are never easy, but it was a safe assumption that Joe was taunting Becker and Hewitt to come at him.
Hewitt, Becker and Joe crashed into each other – clawing, growling and biting like rabid animals.

Miss Bonnie grabbed Miles’ arm. He didn’t move. He wasn’t able to.

“Come on!”

Nothing.

Carefully, Miss Bonnie stepped over the Andersons’ mangled remains and located the store’s robust firearms display. She seized a double barrel shotgun off the wall then ran behind the counter, tossing every item she could get her hands on until she found a box of shells. She loaded up, then tucked a few more shells in her garter for safekeeping.

“Kid, you need to get out of here,” Miss Bonnie said to Miles as she cocked the shotgun and walked out of the store.

“No,” Miles said, unable to look away from the three-way werewolf brawl. “You need to.”

Joe slashed away at Becker, pushing his head into the dirt. Hewitt’s teeth tore a chunk out of Joe’s arm.  It grew back.
Miss Bonnie never intended to aim for any particular werewolf. To her, they all looked the same so one monster was as good a target as the other. She pointed her shotgun at Joe, only to have the barrel smacked away by Miles at the last minute, sending the blast into the air.

Undeterred, Miss Bonnie pointed her gun at Joe again. Miles’ eyes turned yellow. Hair sprouted out of his face. His voice grew deeper.

“NO!”

Before Miss Bonnie’s eyes, Miles morphed into a towering werewolf. He wrapped his paw around the shotgun barrel, but not before Miss Bonnie panicked and pulled the trigger.

Like a puppy, Miles whimpered. He clutched his stomach then ducked into the store.

Miss Bonnie reloaded.

In his mind, Miles could hear his father’s voice.

You’re all right,” Joe said.

Miles looked at his stomach. It was fine. Even the blood in his fur was evaporating.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit,” Miles said to Joe. “You were right.  I should have left.

“I know,” Joe said. “Now get back out here.”

I can’t!” Miles said.

“‘Can’t’ stopped being an option when you stayed.” Joe said. “You’re in this now. Pick up the woman.

Huh?

PICK UP THE WOMAN!

Miles poked his furry body out through the broken window just in time to see Miss Bonnie. Yet again, she was taking aim at Joe.

Miles picked up Miss Bonnie like she was a rag doll and threw her over his shoulder.

Let me go!” Miss Bonnie smacked and kicked Miles repeatedly but to her, it seemed to be of no use. To Miles, it was annoying.

Becker had Joe locked in a hold. Joe struggled to break free, but Hewitt threw slash after slash across Joe’s snout.

Get the bullets,” Joe said to Miles. “And the guns. Get them… to Slade.

“Pa?

Miss Bonnie used her shotgun like a club, whacking Miles repeatedly with it. She might as well have been a pesky mosquito.

Tell him everything he needs to know,” Joe said.

Pa!”

GO!”

Miles grabbed the bandolier and his father’s rifle and bolted, Miss Bonnie kicking and screaming all the while.

Then he heard a gunshot and a pained roar. He stopped.

Miles watched as Becker threw his father’s limp, lifeless body down on the ground. There was a gaping hole in Joe’s head. It was put there with a silver bullet delivered by the pistol held by a naked Hewitt, now in human form.

Joe’s pistol. Miles’s heart pounded as he realized that amidst the chaos, he had forgotten to pick it up.

And now Hewitt was pointing the weapon at Miles as Becker, still in werewolf form, looked on.

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 55

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Miss Bonnie wasn’t exactly in a rush to get back to the dive she called home. She’d walked to the Bonnie Lass so many times before, but there was something about this walk that felt different. The business she’d been so proud of was about to become her tomb, a place where she’d be stuck forever, surrounded by drunks, gamblers and perverts while another woman would be married to the man she loved.

So the redhead took her time. She stopped outside Anderson’s front window, gawked at the gee gaws on display and remembered the muffins she bought for Slade. She was pretty sure Sarah was an uppity bitch that baked her own muffins, but who cares? Miss Bonnie was a business woman, after all. An entrepreneur. An earner.

Miss Bonnie spotted Miles standing outside the store, eating his candy. She’d seen the boy around town before but had never met him.

“Hello,” she said.

“Ma’am,” Miles replied.

What do I now?” Miss Bonnie thought.

She was in the process of talking herself into believing that one day she’d get over her loss. Maybe she’d find a man that would make her say, “Slade, who?” Or maybe she’d just grow her fortune and have a good time counting all her money.

But she couldn’t help but notice how hard it was to think when there was an obnoxious hissing sound coming from directly behind her. She turned around, expecting to see a snake but instead refused to believe her eyes when she saw Hewitt holding a bundle of dynamite in his hand. The long fuse attached to it was lit and burning down.

Becker carried another bundle. He held a lit cigar against the fuse until it too sparked.

Both men were standing out in front of the Bonnie Lass. Hewitt hauled his arm back, creating an arc that led directly over the the swinging doors.

Miles had no clue what to do. Helplessly, he stood and watched.

The redhead lifted her skirt, pulled her derringer out of her garter belt and pointed it at Hewitt.

“HEY!” she yelled.

Hewitt craned his neck back.

“Douse it!” Miss Bonnie said. “Both of you!”

Hewitt faced the saloon again. He tossed his bundle in. Becker tossed his.

Miss Bonnie squeezed the trigger, opening a hole in the back of Hewitt’s head that instantly closed. He swung around, looked at Bonnie and smiled. His eyes turned yellow.

The redhead fired her second shot. It landed in Hewitt’s chest. Again, the hole disappeared.

From inside the saloon, Waldo the Barkeep screamed, “WHAT THE…”

Calmly, the henchmen ducked.

The explosion was massive. Miss Bonnie’s life’s work erupted into a giant fireball as pieces of wood, debris, and body parts sprayed everywhere.

But she wasn’t left with much time to worry about her lost business, seeing as how half of a flaming player piano was sailing directly towards her.

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How the West Was Zombed – The Point of No Return

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Now comes the tough part.

I don’t want to say I’m “depressed” but maybe just a little.

I’ve written more of this novel than any other novel.  Every novel consists of 1) the beginning 2) the middle and 3) the end.

Usually, I know the beginning and end but it is the middle that is tricky.

But I have finished the beginning.  Don’t get tripped up by “54 Chapters” and “5 Parts.” In total, I’m only at about 35,000 words of what will probably end up as a 100,000 word novel.  100,000 is pretty average length.  People just number their chapters differently.  I start a new chapter with every new scene.  I like to leave a little question or tease or something at the end so you keep reading.

Decisions must be made now.  What will happen to our heroes?  How will our villain respond?

Sometimes there is so much possibility I get bogged down and can’t decide.  And I need to take out a little bit to map out the possibilities.  If one character does this, what happens when another character does that and so on.

Times like these are when I pull an Eminem and ask myself if it is time to stop living up here and start living down here.  Oh sorry.  You didn’t see my hand.  It was up high then down low to signify perhaps I should stop living with my head in the clouds.

I have to get this done now.  There’s a part of me that wants to get it done by April.  There’s 3 four month units to a year.  Four months on Zombed.  Four months this summer on a sequel.  Four months this fall on another.  Three in total by the end of the year.  Maybe that’s too ambitious.

In the meantime life calls.  There are times when it is hard to justify spending time on a zombie novel.  But then I check the stats.  3.5 of you are reading so that’s motivation to keep writing so thank you.

Thanks for listening to me complain, 3.5 readers.

Tune in tomorrow for a special guest columnist.  His presence has been sorely missed this year.

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How the West Was Zombed – Part 5 – Wedding Crashers

Though his heart belongs to fiery redhead Miss Bonnie, Slade just can’t bring himself to say no to his fiance, Sarah “the Widow” Farquhar.  Slade and Sarah head to Highwater to plan a wedding for the evening.  Actually, Sarah does most of the planning.  Slade acts like a depressed hostage.

Meanwhile, a heavily armed and armored train arrives in town.  Despite an argument filled with chest puffery, Slade is unable to get any information out of villainous lawyer Blythe.

Smelly Jack crashes Slade and Sarah’s wedding in a big way, though as it turns out, in a much bigger way than expected…

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Chapter 37           Chapter 38            Chapter 39

Chapter 40          Chapter 41            Chapter 42

Chapter 43          Chapter 44           Chapter 45

Chapter 46         Chapter 47            Chapter 48

Chapter 49        Chapter 50            Chapter 51

Chapter 52        Chapter 53

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 53

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Anabelle and Ophelia helped a very unsteady Sarah into the church.  Reverend Cavanaugh came out to study the bodies.

“You shot them,”  the Reverend said.

“Yup,” Gunther replied.

“And they died?”  the Reverend asked.

“Deader than a doornail,” Gunther said.

“And they just…got up and walked around again?”  the Reverend asked.

“All hungry like,” Gunther said.  “Looking at us like they were fixing to eat us for supper.”

Doc removed the handkerchief he’d been holding up against his scratch.  “Yes.  I even bare the mark of their loathsome desire for human flesh.”

“I think you’ll live,” Gunther said.

“You’re sure they died the first time?” the Reverend asked.

“What?” Gunther asked.

“Perhaps you thought you killed them but you didn’t,” the Reverend said.

“We turned them into Swiss cheese and they still kept coming,” Gunther said.

“They were dead,” Slade said.  “I got Jack right in the heart.  Stopped his ticker cold.”

“Well,” the Reverend said. “The good book tells us that the dead will rise from the grave on judgment day.”

“My word,”  Doc said. “So concerned was I with a scientific explanation that I never once pondered the possibility that there might be a religious connotation at play.  Do you surmise this is the beginning of the end of days, sir?”

“Could be,” the Reverend said.  “But then again, it might not.”

“Shit,” Gunther said.  “You’re about as much help as Doc.”

“Long have I warned my flock that if mankind does not mend its wicked ways, the Lord will have something to say about it,” the Reverned said.  “Look at our town.  Drinking. Gambling. Violence. Rampant fornication. Lewd and lascivious behavior.”

“Sounds like a typical day in Highwater,” Gunther said.

“Could this be the Lord reaching his righteous hand down from up above to extract vengeance from us for our sinful debauchery?”  the Reverend asked.  “I don’t know.  What I do know is that whenever the Lord wants to teach us a lesson, he does not leave us to wonder about it.  If we are truly doomed then there will be a sign that removes all of the guessing from the equation.”

The sound of a massive explosion ended the conversation.  The noise came from the south side of town.  Slade felt a panic wash over him as he instantly worried about a special someone who lived there.

“Bonnie,” he said.

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 52

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The bystanders scattered and ran. Townsend and Blake fled to the church, showing zero interest in offering assistance to anyone. Slade, Gunther and Doc opened fire but the Buchanans kept coming. Jack and his boys were riddled with bullet holes but it didn’t matter. They wanted one thing and one thing alone.

“BRR…AINS!”

Not that they were that bright before, but their vocabulary was now whittled down to one word – “brains.” They had a hunger for sweet, delicious gray matter and nothing was going to stop them from going after it.

“This is some fucked up shit,” Gunther declared as he fired his last shot into Rufus. The old man holstered his gun and drew his knife, preparing to strike whoever dared to attack him first.

“Indeed,” Doc said. “This phenomenon is in direct defiance of every scientific law known to mankind. What is dead should, without exception, continue to stay dead!”

“Any ideas on what to do about it?” Gunther asked.

“Other than keep wounding them and pray for a miraculous intervention, no.”

Sarah wailed uncontrollably. Slade’s left gun had already run out of ammo, so he clutched his bride close with his left hand. With his right hand, he aimed directly at Smelly Jack’s head and landed a shot right between the monster’s eyes. Jack’s body collapsed to the ground.

“THE HEAD!” Slade shouted. “AIM FOR THE HEAD!”

Slade popped upon Rufus’ cranium with another well-placed shot. Gunther used every muscle he had to jam his knife through Buck’s skull.

“Of course!” Doc said. “Even the most rudimentary organisms are unable to function without a brain.”

Doc pressed his pistol right up against Frank’s forehead.

“Right then,” Doc said. “Off to hell with you, my good man.”

Click. Out of ammo.

“Oh bother,” Doc said as Frank pinned him to the ground.

Doc struggled to free himself as a pair of snapping teeth drew closer and closer to his face. It was no use. The creature was stronger than any man Doc had ever encountered.
Frank’s two front teeth scratched across Doc’s right cheek, breaking the skin and drawing blood. Gunther plunged his knife into the back of Frank’s head. Slade rolled Frank’s carcass off of the good doctor and helped him up.

Annabelle, who had been hiding up on the porch, came down.

“Are you all right?” she asked.

“Yes,” Doc said as he wiped the blood off of his face with a handkerchief. “In one brief moment, I saw my entire life flash before my very eyes.”

“Was it scary?” Annabelle asked.

“On the contrary,” Doc said. “I was quite impressed.”

Sarah wept. Her once pristine white dress was now covered with dirt, grime, and even blood spatter.

“All I wanted was a nice wedding,” the bride said just before passing out. Slade caught her before she hit the ground.

“Can anyone tell me what the fuck just happened?” Gunther asked.

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Chapter 51 – How the West Was Zombed

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“Aw hell,” Gunther said. “Take a walk, boys. Slade won fair and square.”

“I don’t care,” Rufus said, pointing at Jack’s corpse. “That man was my brother. And my cousin. He was my brother-cousin.”

“Who gives a shit?” Gunther asked. “Jack certainly didn’t give one about any of you. Hell, everybody knows he sold out Artie Buchanan’s whereabouts to Wyatt Earp for fifty dollars and a jug of moonshine.”

“That’s a goddamn lie!” Rufus said.

“Yeah,” Frank added. “It was two jugs of moonshine!”

“I got this,” Slade said.

“No you do not,” Gunther said. “Three against one! That’s not fair at all.”

“Get out of here,” Slade said.

Gunther didn’t budge. Doc, on the other hand, hightailed it back to Annabelle.

“What are you doing?” Annabelle asked. “Slade needs you!”

“Oh,” Doc said. “Do you think so?”

“Yes!” Annabelle said. “You taught him everything he knows!”

“Indeed I did,” Doc said. “But you heard the man, my dear. He wishes to bravely face this challenge on his own and who am I to step between a man and his destiny?”

Annabelle shoved Doc. “Get out there!”

Doc returned to the duo. “Ahem,” he said. “Yes, it seems I should very much like to back you up, Mr. Slade.”

“Atta boy Doc,” Gunther said.

“Don’t need it,” Slade said. “Don’t need either of you. Get lost.”

“Nothin’ doin’,” Gunther said. “There’s never been a day that I didn’t have a marshal’s back and I aint about to start now.”

“Yes, well,” Doc said. “I don’t recall ever being officially deputized so, good day gentlemen.”

Doc looked at Annabelle’s disappointed face and stayed put.

“Woman making you feel guilty, huh?” Gunther asked.

“Yes,” Doctor said. “She’s positively vile in the boudoir. I theorize she may be my soulmate.”

The crowd backed off to give the men room. The Buchanans fanned out in a line, each one ready to draw. Slade and his allies did the same. Doc faced Frank. Slade faced Rufus. Gunther faced Buck.

Every man drew and Doc produced his revolvers by flicking his wrists. The ancillary Buchanans weren’t half the gunslinger that Jack was. Slade and Gunther’s opponents were dead on the ground before they could even squeeze off a shot.

Doc’s shot missed its mark but pierced Frank’s hand, forcing him to drop his pistol. Frank and Doc stared each other down.

“Yield, sir,” Doc said.

With blood gushing out of his right hand, Frank eyeballed his gun as it laid on the ground. Doc fired a warning shot at Frank’s feet.

“Yield, sir!”

Frank dove for it. Doc fired and missed.

“Aw fuck this Queensbury rules bullshit,” Gunther said as he pumped a round into Frank before he could get his hands on the gun.

The crowd went wild. Cheers, applause, hoots and hollers.

Annabelle threw herself at Doc. “My hero!”

“Yes indeed,” Doc said. “Well what would this world be if men of impeccable character such of myself did nothing in the face of evil?”

“I told you I didn’t need you,” Slade said.

“I know,” Gunther said. “Maybe some of us need you. Maybe some of us might miss you if you were gone. You ever think of that?”

Slade struck a match and lit his cigar. “Thanks.”

“Holy shit,” Gunther said. “Rainer Slade thanking somebody. I might keel over from the surprise.”

The church door opened a crack. Sarah poked her head out. Relieved to see her groom alive, she rushed out to hug him. Slade removed his smoke to accept a long, passionate kiss.

It was followed by a slap across his face. “Don’t ever do that to me again!” Sarah cried.

With no woman to congratulate him, Gunther approached the bodies. Four men. Motionless. Lying there in pools of their own blood.

Slade rubbed the sore spot on his cheek.

“Are you trying to worry me to death, Rain?” Sarah asked.

“No,” Slade replied.

“You’re going to hang those guns up as soon as we get home and they’re never coming down again!  Do you hear me?”

Slade grunted.

Gunther only had the one eye, but it usually worked well. He worried maybe it was starting to fail him when he saw Jack’s foot twitch.

“No!” Sarah shouted. “No grunts! I want an answer!”

Defeated, Slade hanged his head down. “Yes ma’am.”

“Good,” Sarah said. “And put that cigar out! You know I hate those things.”

Slade sighed and threw his smoke to the ground.

“Don’t you sigh at me,” Sarah said.

“Yes ma’am,” Slade said.

Gunther saw Jack’s foot move again. He was sure of it.

“Hey Doc,” Gunther said.

Doc and Annabelle were indisposed, whispering horrible, horrible things to each other.

Jack’s foot twitched again. People in the crowd began to notice.

“Hey!” Gunther shouted. “Doc!”

“Yes?” Doc joined Gunther.

“You ever see something like that?” Gunther asked.

Doc watched as Jack’s foot shook all over.

“It’s not uncommon,” Doc said. “Before rigor mortis sets in, the muscles have been known to move in a reflexive manner.”

An eerie groan came out of Jack. “Ungghhhhh…”

“That however,” Doc said, “Is most unusual.”

Slade ducked out of his lecture to see what the fuss was all about.

Sarah followed. “Don’t you walk away from me, Rain! I’m not going to be a widow twice in my life! I am not!”

Jack’s entire arm raised up into the air. Then the other one. All the yahoos who had been checking out Jack’s body backed off in terror.

Slade pulled his pistols. “What the…

Unghhhh…gack….ack…

Jack sat up. His eyes had gone blank. He growled and snarled. His jaw chomped up and down.

Rufus moved. Then Buck. Then Frank.

Slade finished his thought. “…fuck.”

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Chapter 50 – How the West Was Zombed

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“Gentlemen, place your bets!”

Over a hundred people came out to watch Slade square off against Smelly Jack. They lined up along both sides of the street, looking for a good spot to watch the fight. Blake saw an opportunity to make some dough. He waved a stack of bills in the air.

“What’s the action?” Townsend asked.

“Jack’s a shoo-in,” Blake said. “But the odds of Slade living through this are a thousand to one!”

Townsend forked over a ten spot. “Put it on Jack.”

“You got it,” Blake said. “Place your bets! Place your bets!”

Blake worked his way through the crowd, accepting money from all the would be gamblers. Slade’s action didn’t get many takers, but there were a few who believed in him enough to stake their money on him.

The impromptu bookie found himself next to Gunther, who stood outside the church next to Doc and Annabelle.

“Place your bets?” Blake asked.

“You best get to steppin’ before I whup your ass,” Gunther said.

“Yes,” Doc said. “Quite right! Have you no decency, sir? Lives are at stake! Shoo! Shoo! Away with you lest I box your ears!”

Blake walked on. Doc followed him until he was out of Gunther’s earshot. The self-described genius tucked a hundred dollars into Blake’s hand.

“All of it on Mr. Buchanan,” Doc said.

“You got it,” Blake said.

“And this never happened, sir.”

Doc turned around to find a displeased Annabelle had followed him.

“I thought you and Slade were friends,” Annabelle said.

“We most assuredly are, my dear,” Doc said. “Thick as thieves you might say. But business is business and if I’m able to turn a profit that would certainly cushion the blow of losing my dear, dear friend.”

“You don’t think Slade will win?” Annabelle asked.

“Oh no,” Doc said. “Not at all. You see, basic principles of mathematics suggest the best course of action is to go with the odds and well, when it comes down to it, Mr. Buchanan has sent more people to their graves than Slade.”

“You have got to be the smartest man alive,” Annabelle said.

“Oh I don’t know about that, my dear,” Doc said. “I’m in the top five, certainly. Right next to Edison, who I consider one of my few intellectual peers.”

Smelly Jack and Slade took their positions, roughly fifty paces from one another. Both men hovered their hands over their hardware.

“ANY LAST WORDS SLADE?” Jack shouted.

“Yup,” Slade said.

Jack and his boys laughed. “Yeah?” Jack said. “What is it?”

Slade pulled the cigar out of his mouth, doused it out with his thumb then tucked it into his pocket to save for later.

“Your mother must be the only woman who ever popped thirty assholes out of her pussy.”

The crowd erupted in a collective gasp, but Jack held it together. He squinted his eyes at Slade. Slade squinted back. Beads of sweat dripped off of Jack’s forehead. Slade’s remained dry.

And then it all happened within seconds. Each man drew at the exact same time. Who shot first? No one may never know. Slade felt the wake of Jack’s bullet as it sailed just inches past his head. Jack, on the other hand, really felt Slade’s bullet as it exploded his chest. Blood spewed from the gaping wound.

The outlaw’s lifeless body hit the ground. The crowd went into an uproar. No one could believe it. Smelly Jack Buchanan, one of the worst criminals in the west, was dead.

Gunther beamed a grin typically reserved for the face of a proud father. He ran out, grabbed Slade’s hand and raised it high in the air. Even Slade flashed a rare smile.

The crowd cheered. A pissed off Blake unleashed a torrent of obscenity over all the money he’d have to pay out to the handful of people who had bet on Slade.

“Are you sore you lost your scratch?” Annabelle said.

“Oh no,” Doc said. “It’s only money, my dear. Easy come, easy go.”

The good doctor joined the duo and shook Slade’s hand. “Bravo, sir! Bravo! I believed in you whole heartedly!”

Frank and Buck Buchanan stood over their leader’s body. Rufus ran his hand over Jack’s face, closing the eyes. The trio stepped forward. A hush silence fell over the crowd.

“This isn’t over, Slade,” Rufus said.

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 48

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With Reverend Cavanaugh between them, Slade and Sarah faced one another. Sarah gazed longingly at her man. Slade did his best to appear interested but in his mind he was mapping out the best possible escape route as if he were about to rob a bank and make a run for it.

“Dearly beloved,” the Reverend said. “We gather today to join this man, Rainier Slade and this woman, Sarah Farquhar in the bonds of holy matrimony.”

The Reverend opened up his bible, peeped at a card with some notes scribbled on it, then carried on. “For as Enoch said unto Elijah on the road to Damascus, ‘There is surely no act more pleasing to our righteous God than for a man to lie with the same woman day after day, month after month, year after year, decade after decade, until the end of time comes and the glorious rapture returns all who are pure to their much deserved glory.”

In the pews, Doc swilled back his medicine.

“Gimmie some of that,” Annabelle whispered. “I didn’t know this was going to be so preachy.”  She took a big gulp then handed the bottle back to Doc.

“And ye, it must be known to all,” the Reverend said. “That marriage is truly the noblest of institutions…”

“My Mavis used to say anyone who wants to get married should be in an institution,” Gunther whispered to Ophelia. She frowned and shook her head disapprovingly.

“In fact, it was Aaron who said unto Jeremiah who in turn, spread the message to the Sumerians, ‘When a man lies with a woman not his wife, or a woman lies with a man not her husband it is considered an egregious sin in the eyes of our Lord and don’t even get me started on when two men or two women lie with one another…”

Blake and Townsend sat in the back, mostly to trade snide comments about Slade but also in the hopes of free eats.

“You told me there would be sandwiches,” Blake said.

“I don’t know,” Townsend said. “Every wedding I been to they usually put out a little something. Usually not until after the ceremony though.”

“Shit,” Blake said. “I bet Slade’s too cheap to shell out for sandwiches.”

Townsend started a thought. “Well if he’s half a good a host as he was a marshal…”

Blake finished it for him. “…I’ll starve to death.”

The Reverend kept preaching away. “I’ve had the good fortune to perform many wedding ceremonies in my day and the one piece of advice I never fail to offer to a couple is this. ‘Be true to one another.’”

Slade audibly gulped.

“Yes, ” the Reverend said. “Husbands and wives must be honest with one another at all times for a marriage built upon a foundation of lies will never provide a happy home but rather, serve as a sanctuary for the devil.”

Slade’s heart beat faster.

“No matter how painful it may be for a couple to share their deepest, darkest secrets with each other, they MUST do so, for even the smallest, most seemingly insignificant fib is still a falsehood with the potential to boil over into tremendous sorrow.”

Shit,” Slade thought. “If this is going to piss off God maybe I HAVE to say something.”

“Ladies and gentlemen,” the Reverend said. “It is my understanding that the couple has written some vows that they wish to share with each other.”

We have?” Rain thought.

“Sarah,” the Reverend said.

Sarah took Slade’s hands into hers. “Rain, all my life my choices have been made for me. First by my father, then by Josiah. In effect, I’ve never had a choice about anything at all until today. I choose you because I love you. When you hold me I feel safe. All my cares wash away and it is as if you and I are the only two people left in the world…”

No one told me I was suppose to say anything,” Slade thought.

“…and should I die tomorrow,” Sarah continued. “My life will be complete, for having known the joy of being your wife. I vow to spend all my days thinking of new ways to make you as happy as you have made me.”

Annabelle was so touched she cried. Doc took another swig of his Cure-All then handed it to his new love interest.

“It will calm your menstruations, my dear,” he whispered.

Slade may have been madly in love with Miss Bonnie, but as far as he was concerned, what Sarah had just said was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to him. God would have to be disappointed with his lack of honesty.

Sarah looked at her groom with big brown eyes.

Shit,” Slade said. “When she was babbling away on the ride in. That’s probably when she said to have something to say.  Damn it.

The guests grew silent. Slade coughed.

“You’re special,” Slade said.

Slade looked around. Everyone waited for more.

“And pretty,” Slade said.

People were still waiting. What did they want?

“And I promise to be a good husband and wipe the shit off my boots before I come in the house.”

Silence. Sarah cried tears of joy. Even Gunther had a little moisture in his good eye.

“That was beautiful,” the old man said.

“Such lovely words,” the Reverend said. “Before we carry on, I ask now, if any one should object to this union, I bid you to speak now or forever hold your peace.”

The church doors swung open, a gust of wind blew in and the whole room got a whole lot…smellier.

Smelly Jack stomped down the aisle with his brother-cousins behind him.

“I OBJECT!!!”

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 45

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“Slade…”

Smelly Jack had been hearing that name bandied about amongst the barflies all day long. He repeated it in anger as he squeezed his beer mug until it shattered, sending glass pieces and brew all over his brother-cousins.

“Damn it, Jack!” said Frank Buchanan. “You got your suds all over me!”

Jack stood up and flipped the table over, sending cards and poker chips scattering to the floor.

“I WANT SLADE DEAD!”

“Aw hell, come on Jack,” said Rufus Buchanan. We’ve got a pretty sweet deal as railroad security agents here.”

“Yeah,” said Buck Buchanan. “This is our shot at going legit and living the sweet life.”

“FUCK THAT!” Smelly Jack bellowed. “That crooked schiester has kept us cooped up in this joint for two days and we haven’t seen so much as a dime or a job! All the while that chicken shit law man is strutting around like the cock of the walk, probably telling everyone how he got one over on me!”

“Calm down Jack,” Rufus said.

“A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do!” Jack said. “And putting Slade six feet under is what this man’s gotta do!”

Frank, Rufus, and Buck eyeballed each other.

“Shit,” Frank said. “You sure we can’t talk you out of this, Jack?”

“NO!!!” was Jack’s reply.

“He is the boss,” Rufus said.

“We got your back, Jack,” Buck asked.

The quartet walked out of the saloon, proudly shouting about Slade’s imminent demise, just in time to be overhead by Hewitt and Becker as they returned from an unsuccessful day’s hunt.

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