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Oct 30 2015
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BQB's Zombie Apocalypse Survivor's Journal

BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 30 – (Part 1)

October 30, 2015

11:00 p.m.

Bookshelf Battle Headquarters.

It all began years ago as a modest three bedroom, one and a half bath house owned by my Aunt Gertie and Uncle Hardass.

After Uncle Hardass died from a massive sandwich related heart attack, Aunt Gertie packed it in and moved to Decrepit Oaks, leaving me the home.

Lame that I never found my own place, I know, but you try getting by on the meager salary Beige Corp pays its assistant to the assistant of the vice president for corporate assistance.

Particularly noteworthy was the fact that Uncle Hardass expressly stated in his last will and testament that Aunt Gertie “should, under no circumstances, leave the house I worked my ass off for in the salt mines to Bookshelf Q. Battler, my lousy excuse for a nephew, so he can sit around and chase his hippy dream of becoming a writer.”

Gertie cared enough to take the matter before a Judge, who struck that particular provision down.  I wonder if that’s why Uncle Hardass’ ghost continues to haunt the house to this very day?  Can ghosts exert a supernatural claim to property?

Oh well.

Anyway, using the powers of my magic bookshelf (I’ll explain how later) I constructed a forty foot wall around the perimeter of my Aunt and Uncle’s former house.  The result was a monstrosity of a fortress I dubbed, “Bookshelf Battle Headquarters” or alternatively, “The Bookshelf Battle Compound.”

I prefer “BQB HQ.”  Sounds less culty.

Inside the walls, the thousand remaining residents of East Randomtown were camped out, using tents, sleeping bags, and blankets.

After checking on everyone, I entered my house, where I was able to squeeze in twenty of the town’s most frail and infirm citizens.  My chairs, bed, floor, there were few spots left in the joint that weren’t occupied by an old person.

Thanks to the magic bookshelf, we had plenty of electricity, water, phone service, cable, and so on.  Crap.  I probably should have brought the gang back to BQB HQ sooner.  Oh well.  The past month would not have been as entertaining for you 3.5 readers if I had.

“I’ve never liked those walls,”  Aunt Gertie protested from the couch.  “Don’t you think they’re a manifestation of your jaded, closed-off inner psyche?”

“No,”  I said.  “I just don’t like the idea of neighbors peaking through the windows when I walk around naked.”

“Ugh,”  Aunt Gertie said.  “You don’t really do that, do you?”

“All the time,”  VGRF said as she walked into the living room holding a bowl of tortilla chips.  “It’s disgusting.”

“Who wants seven layer dip?”  Alien Jones asked, carrying in a bowl of his own.  “The best thing about being stuck in that zombie apocalypse is there’s now a backlog of Scandal on the DVR to watch.”

FYI – Thursday nights are Scandal night at BQB HQ.  Alien Jones makes the dip.  It’s out of this world.  That’s not even a pun.

Thanks to “watch what you want, when you want it” technology, we were watching Scandal on a Friday night.

“FILTHY HUMANS NEED TO SHUT THEIR STUPID FACES WHEN DRAMATIC STYLINGS OF KERRY WASHINGTON ARE ON!”

Another FYI – “The Yeti,” an international fuzzy war criminal who happens to be my arch nemesis, has been held captive in my basement ever since he broke into my house in March and held me hostage for a month.

The Yeti believes the world should be as boring as his home, the frozen wasteland of Siberia, and has been on a mission to bring my blog down as he believes it may one day grow beyond 3.5 readers and stimulate the world into new levels of awesomeness.

So he’s like the Mighty Potentate in that he also believes in me, but unlike the MP, he wants me to fail.

Hate to say it but so far things are coming up Yeti.

“I wonder what scandal Kerry will bury this week!”  VGRF said as she dipped a chip.

“DO NOT BOGART SEVEN LAYER DIP!”  the Yeti shouted.

The Yeti, who by the way, is ten feet tall and thousand pounds, yells everything with a guttural snarl.

It may seem odd that I give my fuzzy prisoner a reprieve to watch Scandal, but like the rest of the world, he loves Kerry Washington, and he loves his dip.  Just seemed cruel to not let the big lug in on the fun.

Besides, I’d gotten the impression that though the Yeti complains a big game about being held at BQB HQ, he’d secretly begun to enjoy it.

I mean, I just let him up to watch TV.  I don’t shackle him or anything and he doesn’t run off or try to kill me.  And you know, he is huge so, there’s a part of him that’s settled in.

The episode ended.

“Wow,”  Alien Jones said.  “What a scandal!”

“PUT ON THE NEXT ONE, GREEN WEIRDO!”  the Yeti commanded.

“Hold on,” VGRF said as she grabbed the remote.  “Let’s see what’s on the news.”

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Oct 29 2015
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#31ZombieAuthors

#31ZombieAuthors – Day 29 Interview – Rick Chesler and David Sakmyster – ZOMBIE DINOSAURS!!!

Rick Chesler

WHERE TO FIND RICK CHESLER:

Amazon        Website

Facebook        Twitter

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WHERE TO FIND DAVID SAKMYSTER:

Amazon       Website

Facebook       Twitter

Holy Crap, 3.5 readers.  Holy Freaking Crap.

I’m so excited I’m about to plotz.

Since the beginning of time, there have been two badass varieties of monster:

  1. Zombies who ravenously devour any humans in their way.
  2. Dinosaurs who ravenously devoured any other dinosaurs who got in their way.

Zombies, as far as I know, are fictional.  At least I think they are.  Maybe that’s just what “The Man” wants me to believe.

Dinosaurs, on the other hand, were very real.  Long ago, they walked the Earth, stomping and chomping along, ruling all they surveyed like a bunch of gruesome lizard kings.

My next two guests have taken the sheer awesomeness of zombies and the raw power of dinosaurs to create two novels about….drumroll please…ZOMBIE DINOSAURS!

Oh my God I’m so excited I’ve got to pop a Xanax.  (Kids, that’s just a joke.  Say no to drugs.)

Unknown

Rick Chesler and David Sakmyster are the co-authors of Jurassic Dead.
When a research team uncovers fully preserved dinosaur corpses buried underneath the surface of Antarctica, what begins as a major scientific discovery turns into a deadly race to save the world from zombie dinosaurs run amuck.

The zombie-saur madness continues in Jurassic Dead 2 – Z-Volution.  A maniacal villain attempts to conquer the world, starting with Washington, D.C., with an army of zombie dinosaurs!

I…I can’t even begin to describe how cool this all is.  I need to sit down.

NOTE: BOLD = BQB; ITALICS = Rick and/or David

Q.  Rick and David.  Thanks for joining me for this interview.  Can we just get right down to it?  Do you dudes realize how epically fabulous this idea is?  How did you come up with it in the first place?

A.  RICK: Thanks very much for having us! We’re glad you like the concept. I’d always been interested in dinosaurs and am a Brontosaurus-sized fan of Jurassic Park (and now Jurassic World). So decades after that book came out, when my 4-year old kid was playing with plastic dinosaurs on the floor the night after The Walking Dead was on TV, and he started having the dinos attack imaginary zombies, a little light bulb flicked on for me and I thought, “Now that would be interesting, how could that happen…”

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  I hope you buy that kid all the toys he wants.  Totally earned it.

Q.  Listen, I have zero pull in Hollywood, but I have to say, these books seem made for the big screen.  I would surely be in the front row on opening day stuffing my pie hole full of popcorn.  On the off chance that Steven Spielberg stops by this blog on accident, please give him a pitch as to why we need Jurassic Dead: The Movie.

A.  DAVID:  “Hey Steve, listen… You know that Jurassic Park thing you were involved with? How about this? Similar feel and style, yet instead of cloning the things, we make them zombies. Yep, they’re even hungrier, nastier and oh a heck of a lot harder to kill. What do you say?”

Q.  Without delving too far into spoilers, can you give my 3.5 readers the lowdown on the science behind how a zombie dinosaur, in theory, might be possible?

A.  RICK: The way it is presented in JURASSIC DEAD, without giving any plot spoilers, is that dinosaurs have been found frozen whole in an Antarctic underground lake (real life Lake Vostok). This means that their blood, and whatever it had been infected with before they died, is still in their veins, frozen solid. So suppose that all the dinosaurs on Earth were actually wiped out by some type of microbial infection as opposed to, say, a meteor…Well, these frozen ones would be thawed out with that infection still in their blood. In the novel it is suggested that the infectious agent could be a prion, a type of protein well-known in real life for causing mad cow disease.


51kOXrbmxsL._UY250_Q.  Zombie-saurs.  Dastardly villains.  Heroes.  Are you guys students of the action/thriller genre?  Because it seems to me that you’ve packed all the elements an action movie fan would be looking for into these books.

A.  DAVID: Of course being a fan of the genre(s), we made sure to pack this book with not only a lot of our favorite action tropes, but also tried to keep it fresh and exciting and take the action in different dimensions than what you’d expect. That carries true in the next two books as well. With a subject like this, there’s the danger of having it perceived as being too obvious and SyFy-movie-of-the-week, but we tried to elevate everything to keep readers on their toes, to shock and surprise, and make you think too in new ways about everything you thought you expected.

Q.  Rick, you hold a Bachelor of Science in marine biology and have long been interested in the ocean and the mysteries locked in its depths.  You’re even a master scuba diver.  As a scientist/ocean explorer, do you draw on any of your experience in your writing?  How did you do so with Jurassic Dead?

A.  RICK: Many of my novels are set in and around the ocean or have threats born directly from the ocean that the main characters must deal with (HOTEL MEGALODON, WIRED KINGDOM, OUTCAST Ops: The Poseidon Initiative). While JURASSIC DEAD is not an “ocean novel” or sea monster novel per se, there are definitely significant story elements involving the sea that I had a lot of fun with.

For starters, the opening Antarctic scenes and the ice-breaker ship to transport the dinosaurs. The ocean voyage through a storm and ultimate shipwreck to reach the tropical volcanic island the bad guy has set up as his mad scientist base of operations. And in JURASSIC DEAD 2: Z-volution, there are actually a few prehistoric sea monsters swimming amok in modern times, which of course is great fun while scary at the same time.

Q.  Similar question for David.  Your Morpheus Initiative series has been described as a mashup of the archaeological adventure and paranormal genres, or in other words “Indiana Jones meets the X-Files.”  On your blog, you discuss how when other kids were checking out Disney tales, your father was reading you Edgar Allen Poe’s greatest hits, and that you dreamed of becoming an author at a young age.  Can you tell my 3.5 readers and I how you drew on your interest in archaeology and the paranormal to create zombie dinosaurs?

A.  DAVID: Historical mysteries are my favorite obsession, and pairing that interest with the paranormal made for a thrilling combination with the Morpheus Initiative books. When the opportunity to write about zombie dinosaurs came along, naturally I gravitated toward speculation—what would have made them turn into zombies back then (and allow for their continued existence in the present day? That line of thinking led to some interesting alternative theories about what did the dinosaurs in back then, and allowed us to play with some really intriguing ideas.

Q.  How did you two find each other?  One or two of my 3.5 readers are aspiring authors.  Any advice for finding and working with a writing partner?

A.  RICK: David and I were (and are) both members of the same writer’s “support group,” where a small number of us discuss the business of writing from time to time. We had also both been separately published by the same small press a few years earlier, and in fact both had short stories appear in an anthology called THE GAME, which featured stories based on the classic adventure-thriller, The Most Dangerous Game, where big game hunters track humans for sport. So when I decided to seek a co-author on JURASSIC DEAD, I wanted someone with significant horror novel experience whom I also trusted to get the job done. David was enthusiastic about the book and the rest, as they say, is history.

As for working with writing partners, first ask yourself, “Why do I need a co-author on this—why can’t I just write it myself? What is the other person ideally bringing to the table?”

It can be that you would like to work on two stories at once—co-authoring can allow you to do that. Or it can be that each author brings complimentary experience to the project. It can be both of those things. It can absolutely be a learning experience for each writer, both in terms of craft, where you’re seeing how other writers approach the creation of the same material, and in terms of project workflow and business, seeing firsthand how other writers get things done. I have worked with many different co-authors now and it has taught me a lot about the writing and book creation process.

Q.  What’s next for you guys?  Are more zombie-saurs coming our way in the future?

A.  DAVID: I wouldn’t rule out anything, but for sure Jurassic Dead 3 will be out this year, where we wrap up things in a true trilogy fashion. Although as with any venture, this is such fun that it’s not one we may find easy to leave. I could see revisiting the world again—either in another novel or spin off stories (ala Fear the Jurassic Dead!?). We’ve created a fascinating and wildly open-world situation where there are any number of side stories that could be told. How about a story about extracting the dinosaurs or the behind-the-scenes madness that went into the villain’s plans? Stories of various rebel adventures or individual stories of everyday people (besides our main characters) fighting for survival.

Q.  Thanks Rick and Dave.  This was a lot of fun.  Before I go, do you have any advice that might help my friends and I survive the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

A.  RICK: Gear up and read a lot of zombie novels.

 

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Oct 29 2015
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BQB's Zombie Apocalypse Survivor's Journal

BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 29

All eyes were on me as I walked to the center of the gym to address the survivors.

“People of East Randomtown,” I said. “First, thank you for voting for me to be your Mayor. Just want to say it’s a job I don’t want at all and as soon as the zombie apocalypse is over, I look forward to not being in charge of a town full of inbred dummies who nominate their leaders based on what TV show they appeared in for thirty seconds in the 1980s, or whether or not they have a blog with an audience of 3.5 readers.”

A random citizen shouted from the crowd, “Don’t forget the man who met James Van Der Beek! Leo McKoy will ALWAYS be better than you, BQB!”

“Damn,” I said. “This town is really divided. Anyway, I’d like to propose that we all pack up everything, take all the cars left in the parking lot, and travel by convoy to my home, the Bookshelf Battle Compound, where the forty foot high walls of my home base will keep us safe. There, we’ll ride out the zompoc together. What do you say?”

“You’ll never be as good as Doug Hauser!” a woman yelled. “I’ll never trust a leader who wasn’t in a 1980’s cop show for thirty seconds!”

I wasn’t without my defenders.

“Silence, all of you!” cried Father O’Neil, the parish priest at Our Lady of Random Suffering, East Randomtown’s Catholic Church. “Let he who is without 3.5 readers cast the first stone!”

“Thank you father,” I said. “So listen. Talk amongst yourselves, survivors. Hash it out, then take a vote.”

The survivors talked to each other. The conversations were loud, wild, and full of inappropriate hand gestures.

“BQB,” VGRF said. “What about Morganstern? Won’t he blow us all up if we leave the rec center with you?”

“He’d never kill all these people just to get to me,” I said. “Would he, AJ?”

“He totally would,” AJ said. “However, the zombie hordes outside the rec center fence grow larger and nastier every day. It’s only a matter of time before they crash through our defenses and gobble everyone up. Your plan to reconvene to BQB HQ is risky, but it is our only hope.”

A few minutes later, Mario called out from the crowd.

“Mayor Battler, we’ve reached a decision.”

“And?” I asked.

“The results are as follows,” Mario said, reading off a piece of notebook paper. “Suck It, Nerd. 499 votes. What the Hell, Let’s Go to the Geek’s House? 501 votes.”

“Wow,” I said. “Not exactly a mandate but it’s a majority. Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Take the rest of today and all day tomorrow to pack your things. Grab all the food and supplies. Don’t leave anything important behind. We’ll leave tomorrow night as soon as it gets dark.”

“Good idea, BQB,” Alien Jones said. “A night move will make it harder for Morganstern’s drones to spot you.”

“Are you going to call another zombie author?” VGRF asked.

“No,” I replied. “You know, I’ve been thinking. This zombie author interview series has been irresponsible on my part. Here I am, responsible for the whole town’s safety, and I’ve been wasting time promoting my blog with zombie author interviews. Sorry, but I can’t even spend one more second on zombie authors.”

Alien Jones forked over the space phone and pointed to a book with a massive, red eyed zombie dinosaur with a mouth full of enormous, razor sharp teeth.

“Holy Crap, that’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen,” I said. “Screw the town. Let’s get these dudes on the space phone immediately.”

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Oct 29 2015
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BQB's Zombie Apocalypse Survivor's Journal

And Now a Message From Some Random Jerkface

By: Some Random Jerkface, Special Guest Contributor

Hello 3.5 readers.  Some Random Jerkface here.

For awhile now, there have been some rumors going about that Bookshelf Q. Battler isn’t real, that in fact he and his compatriots are all just the product of the imagination of some random jerkface blogging on the Internet.

Poppycock, I say!

But I understand the confusion.  I am Some Random Jerkface and I do work behind the scenes as BQB’s assistant, helping him to edit and package his posts to make the Bookshelf Battle Blog a bit more presentable and eye catching for the 3.5 readers.

Unfortunately, I’ve been on vacation for the past week and well, what with limited Internet access and to be honest, more fun stuff to do, I haven’t had the chance to put as much polish on #31ZombieAuthors for BQB the past week.

That means BQB’s zompoc journal hasn’t had any funny photos, there haven’t been as many links in the author interviews, a lot of the little touches that make the blog better have been absent recently.

Sorry BQB.  But don’t worry, 3.5 readers.  When I get back I’ll polish up the past week’s worth of posts.  Thanks to the 3.5 readers for understanding and also thank you to the #31ZombieAuthors for putting up with BQB’s lazy editorial assistant, Some Random Jerkface.

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Oct 28 2015
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#31ZombieAuthors

#31ZombieAuthors – Day 28 Interview – A. Giacomi

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FOLLOW THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR:
Today’s guest is A. Giacomi, author of the Zombie Girl Saga, which includes Eve Brenner:  Zombie Girl and a sequel, Eve Brenner: Zombie Agent.  Believe it or not, but in these books, the zombie is actually the heroine!  After being infected by a zombifying virus at an Ancient Egyptian burial site, Eve develops supernatural zombie powers.
A Canadian born writer, educator, and artist, Ms. Giacomi is also a graduate of York University.  She devours books like a bad zombie eats brains and is an all around fangirl.  Favorites include Tim Burton, Shakespeare, Jane Austen, Marvel, and Star Wars.
Thanks for taking my call, A.G.
Q.  I’ve checked out a lot of zombie books this month and I have to say, your protagonist is the only zombie I’d actually root for.  Obviously, Eve is not the traditional, old-fashioned type of zombie that shuffles slowly, has no thoughts, and just shouts “GRRR!” and “ARGGH!”  Have you pretty much turned the zombie genre upside down by creating a heroic zombie?
A.  Ha ha I’m trying! I just can’t help but think zombies were people once, they can’t possibly lose their humanity all in one go! I’d like to think that some of us would fight off the virus fully taking over like Eve does…and besides a flu bug affects everyone differently…wouldn’t a zombie virus? Is it that far fetched that someone might actually fight their zombie qualities and try to use their last bit of life for some good? I think not!
Q.  Surely Eve suffers from those bloodthirsty urges that all zombies suffer from.  How does she satisfy them?  Should I be worried about her friends?
A. She tries her best not to eat people, but you know zombies tend to get hangry. When she doesn’t feed for awhile, that’s when innocent people die. When she learns not to ignore her urges she can decide who she feasts on…she tends to stick to a diet of not so innocent people, so I’d say her friends are safe.
Q.  Is romance possible for a zombie?  I’m thinking Eve might have some issues in that department.
A. It’s possible, put her partner would have to be very patient, zombies have good days and bad days and sometimes it’s just not safe to go in for a smooch, for example if they’re hungry. Eve has a pretty big undead heart though, so she’s worth loving, she’ll fight for the ones she cares for until the very end.
Q.  What inspired you to get into the writing game?
A. I’ve been writing since high school, I just love coming up with strange characters and inconceivable situations. I write poetry all the time as part of my daily wind-down, but as for writing books that only took place a couple of years ago. I decided to just go for it, I want to be able to tell my kids I went after my dreams and they should do the same!
Q.  What’s next for Eve?  Is another book in the works?
A. Book 3 is complete and heading into editing now, it should be out Spring of 2016! As for Book 4, I’m not sure of the release date yet, but I just completed it! It’s surreal ending a series like this, the characters have lived in my head a long time, it’s hard to say farewell to them!
Q.  A.G., thanks for taking the time to take my call.  Before I go, do you have any last minute advice that could help my friends and I survive the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?
A:  Hmmmm…I always say head for the hills, or at least away from other people. If we haven’t learned anything from film or television shows like The Walking Dead, it’s people that are the real danger. They get scared and lose all sense of morality, so go hide and stay hidden with lots of supplies!
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Oct 28 2015
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BQB's Zombie Apocalypse Survivor's Journal

BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 28 (Part 2)

“Hello?”

From the other end of the line came the voice of a suave, sophisticated Yankee playboy.

“I say, Young Duffer.  Any chance you might be headed home soon?  We’ve eaten all your food and I dare say no one’s delivering a pizza what with all the creepy crawlies afoot.”

It was Sid Monroe, the protagonist of the 1920’s classic novel of fortune seeking, hard-partying ennui, The Incorrigible Monroe.

Or rather, a tiny version of him.

For those just tuning in, I’m the owner/caretaker of a magic bookshelf.  Whenever I put a book on it, the book’s characters come to life in tiny versions of themselves who then proceed to take up residence on my bookshelf and battle one another over limited shelf space.

Rarely a night goes by when I’m not woken up by the sound of itty bitty literary protagonists going to war.

“Sorry Monroe,”  I said.  “I’ve been bogged down by the zompoc out here.  I was stuck in a mall, then I had to try to find my Aunt, then I…”

“Yes, yes, that’s all well and good, Young Duffer,” Monroe interrupted.  “But what about my needs?  Anara hasn’t had anything to nibble on for quite some time now and unless she gets a snack I fear she won’t be nibbling on me anytime soon.”

If you’ve read the book, then you know that Monroe spent his life chasing money and throwing elaborate parties at his mansion for the sole purpose of winning the heart of his beloved Jenny, only for her to choose the conniving Gustavo instead.

F. Scott Fitzgerald?  Never heard of the guy.

Anyway, after my quest for the meaning of life, Monroe took my advice that “there’s more fish in the sea” and began seeing Anara “Annie” Mistwake, one of the main characters of Joel L.L. Torrow’s A Dirge of Murder and Betrayal series.

I’ve always admired Torrow’s ability to kill off a dozen characters every morning before he polishes off his breakfast burrito.

George R.R. who?  Stop asking dumb questions, 3.5.  You people make no sense.

I was glad that Monroe had moved on, but it made what I had to say next that much harder.

“Monroe, you guys might have to go back into your books for awhile,”  I said.  “I’m not sure when I’ll be able to get back to the Bookshelf Battle Compound.”

“Well that’s a fine how do you do, isn’t it?”  Monroe asked.  “Hold on, Young Duffer, Tessa wants a word.”

“BQB?”

It was a tiny version of Tessa Fireswarm, protagonist of the Young Adult series, Arrowblast.  The series, and the resulting eight movies, were based on the adventures of a group of plucky teenagers who, with little to no battlefield experience, were still able to take down the cruel dictator who ruled their dystopian future with an iron fist.

“Hey Tessa,”  I said.  “Are you getting along with everyone?”

Tessa was the shelf’s problem child.  The slightest insult made her reach for her bow.  It was a bad habit.  We’d been working on her anger management skills for awhile.

“Everyone except the guy from that new book you bought before you left,”  Tessa said.

“Who?”

“You know.  That guy from the sequel to that classic book that was a staple of high school English classes everywhere.”

“Oh that guy,”  I said.

“He used to be so nice,”  Tessa said.  “But now all he does is sit in his rocking chair and spout racist gibberish all day.  I really want to put an arrow in his ass.”

“No one’s putting an arrow in anyone’s ass,”  I said.

“But BQB!”  Tessa whined.

“Violence is never the answer.”

“Ugh!  Fine!”

“Put on Bookshelf Q. Battledog,”  I said.

“Hold on,”  Tessa said.

I waited a minute before I heard a “woof.”

“Battledog?”

“Woof.”

“Status report.”

“Woof woof.  Woof.”

“The Bookshelf Battle Compound is secure and my arch nemesis, the Yeti, remains imprisoned in my basement?”

“Woof.”

“You’re a top notch security chief, Battledog.”

“Woof woof.”

“What?”  I asked.  “No, I don’t have time to talk about philosophy.”

“Woof.”

“Yes, I realize that Descartes, famous saying, ‘I think, therefore I am,’ or ‘Corgito ergo sum’ is trite insomuch as those who do not think continue to exist, but is there ever a time when anyone is not thinking?  Open up the mind of the lowliest dullard and you’ll find even he is thinking about something, even if it is not anything meaningful.”

“Woof.”

“You know very well that Descartes never qualified his saying with a mandate that thoughts must be substantive in order for existence to occur.”

“Woof.”

“Really?  Fine.  I’m just going to hang up now if you’re going to be a dick about it.”

I swiped right on the space phone and cut my furry security chief off.

“Am I the only one to realize that we’ve had access to the fortress-like compound that is Bookshelf Battle Headquarters the entire time?”  VGRF asked.

“No,”  Alien Jones said.  “I realized it October 1, but I wanted BQB’s stats to climb so the Mighty Potentate will see an improvement in the Chosen One’s writing career so I can avoid meeting the business end of a vaporizer.”

“That gives me an idea,”  I said.  “VGRF, tell Mario and Janet to call a survivor’s meeting tomorrow.”

“What are you going to do now?”  my dear video game loving girlfriend asked.

“What I do best,”  I replied.  “Interview another zombie author.”

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Oct 27 2015
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#31ZombieAuthors

#31ZombieAuthors – Day 27 Interview – Happy Birthday Jake Bible, Esteemed Inventor of the Drabble Novel

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FIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:

Amazon      Website

Facebook      Twitter

By: Special Guest Interviewer, Alien Jones

Humans, my guest today is none other than Jake Bible.  A Bram Stoker Award nominated novelist, short story writer, independent screenwriter, podcaster, and inventor of “the Drabble Novel,” he’s entertained thousands with his horror and science fiction tales, reaching audiences of all ages with his ability to write in a wide range of genres.

Jake is the author of the bestselling Z-Burbia series.  Set in Asheville, NC, the books follows residents of a suburban community as they transition from easygoing living to post-apocalyptic zombie fighting.

SIDENOTE:  Today, October 27, is also Jake’s birthday.

A recent court ruling made the “Happy Birthday Song” free to all, which is great, because knowing that old cheapskate BQB, he’d of never approved of us singing it otherwise.

So let’s all sing Jake “Happy Birthday” shall we?

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday Dear Jake Bible, Esteemed Inventor of the Drabble Novel!

Happy Birthday to you!!!!

Jake, welcome and thanks for taking my call on the space phone.

NOTE: BOLD=ALIEN JONES; ITALICS=JAKE

Q.  Here’s a question I’ve been wondering all month.  Humans live in a modern world.  Everything from technology to toilets, cars to electricity is available.  Why are so many humans fantasizing about living in a post-apocalyptic world where showers are a thing of the past and zombies want to eat them?  Are humans right in the head?

A. First, no, humans are not right in the head. That’s just a fact of life. as for why they would want to live in a post-apocalyptic world, well, that’s easy: it’s the great equalizer. Your survival depends on your skills and intelligence, not on what car you drive, how much you make, or whether or not you get a high score on a performance review. The rich can’t buy survival and the idiots won’t survive long. Win/win situation, in my opinion.

Q.  I suspect the characters that filled Whispering Pines, the suburban neighborhood featured in Z-Burbia miss their once comfortable lifestyle.  Though I don’t mean to ask for spoilers, can you give us a glimpse of what they have to go through?  How is zompoc living vs. suburban living?

A. Part of the satire in Z-Burbia is that the Whispering Pines homeowners don’t give up much after the dead rise. They keep their HOA and try to go on with life as usual. They have established power, they grow their own food, they even still have natural gas flowing. Sure, the dead want to eat their brains, but that’s what huge walls and razor wire are for, right? I mean, these people even have WiFi, just no Internet since the outside world wasn’t as lucky as the survivors in Whispering Pines.

Q.  You’re the inventor of “The Drabble Novel.”  On your blog, Brain Squeezin’s, you describe this as “a short short story written using only 100 words. Not 99 words, not 101 words, but 100 words exactly.”  You then go on to explain how you piece together several “drabbles” together to come up with a larger novel.  Am I correct in this description and how did you first discover this amazing contribution to the world of literature?

A.  I started writing drabbles to sharpen my skills as a writer. Being constrained by an exact number of words teaches you how to edit and how to make sure each word counts. When I went to write my first novel, Dead Mech, I used the writing form as an exercise to get used to characters and settings. Then I realized I liked the feel and flow of 100 words as scene sections. Instead of rewriting what I already had, I started filling in gaps and before I knew it I had the beginnings of a drabble novel where each section is exactly 100 words. It really gives the novel a cinematic, quick-cut feel which is perfect for the over the top, high-action plot.

Q. “Once upon a time, a bunny rabbit was hopping through the forest.  It stopped to eat a carrot when an enormous dragon swooped down and breathed fire in the bunny’s general direction.  Instantly, the rabbit harnessed the ancient power of the ninja masters of old, jumped into the air, and delivered a crushing roundhouse kick to the dragon’s hideous snout.  The beast fell to the ground with a deafening crash and the bunny skinned its oily hide and sold its dragon leather.  He then used the proceeds to take a gaggle of she-bunnies out on the town. Hanky panky transpired.”

ALIEN JONES: That’s one-hundred words exactly.  How’d I do?  Do I have a future in this business or what?

A.  You did great! That’s a story, right there. As for a future, well, drabbles don’t pay much. So, yes, you have a future, just a poor and hungry one. 😉

Q.  You’ve written other zombie tales outside of Z-Burbia.  One that comes to mind is Bethany and the Zombie Jesus.  To give readers a brief rundown, a stone carved likeness of Jesus decides it doesn’t want to be on a cross anymore, comes down and its up to Bethany to stop Zombie Jesus from bringing about the end of days.

I have to say, that’s one of the most unique zombie story premises I’ve observed yet.  How did you come up with that one?

A. The idea that Jesus rose from the grave makes him an easy target for zombification. So I went with that idea that instead of Jesus rising and being the world’s savior, he rose and was ready to start the zombie apocalypse a few thousand years ago and it has been left up to a handful of men and women over the millennia to keep watch over him and make sure he doesn’t get loose. Of course, eventually he gets loose and that’s where Bethany begins.

Q.  Kaiju.  Monster sharks.  Mechs.  These are just some of the topics of your other novels.  Accordingly, I have to ask, Monster Shark vs. Zombies.  Who wins?  Feel free to weigh in on a Kaiju’s or a Mech’s chances against a zombie horde as well.

A. Monster Shark will always beat zombies. Mainly because of its environment. Also, a monster shark is the ultimate apex predator. Now, if a monster shark becomes a zombie, that’s a whole other ballgame. Kaiju would take out a zombie horde, no problem. Stomp, stomp, chomp, done. Pretty much the same with mechs, minus the chomp part. Unless the mech is damaged and has no ammo then it is highly possible it can be overwhelmed by sheer numbers. Physics are physics.

Q.  Happy Birthday Jake.  I’d of baked you a cake but you know, I’m trapped in a zombie apocalypse and all.  Speaking of, before I go, do you have any last minute advice that might help the humans and I survive the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

A.  Never assume you are safe, never relax, always be on the lookout for trouble and always have an exit plan. Keep your loved ones close and your weapons closer. And cardio. That is always good advice. Cardio.

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Oct 27 2015
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BQB's Zombie Apocalypse Survivor's Journal

Alien Jones’ Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 27

Night came and went and eventually Video Game Rack Fighter passed out from exhaustion, lying in bed next to her beau, Bookshelf Q. Battler, holding him tightly.

BQB, the illustrious host of a blog with a mere 3.5 readers, barely held on.  I scanned him with my, well, I’ll keep calling it a space phone because that’s about all your insignificant human brains could ever possibly understand.

The nerd’s life pulse was growing dim.

Suddenly, a hole was vaporized in the ceiling by a red beam of light.  Another beam of gold light took its place and my Supreme Overlord, the Mighty Potentate, materialized in the room, golden scepter in hand, oversized crown on his head.

Three of his best security aliens materialized as well.  The MP is too important not to have protection.

I dropped to my knees and proceeded to flagellate myself, as is the custom of my home world whenever one is in the presence of The Potent One.

“Oh Great Potentositude!”  I said as I flailed my arms up and down.  “I am not worthy of your presence!  Why do you honor one as lowly as I with your magnanimous appearance?”

The Mighty Potentate only had one volume – LOUD.  He didn’t have a quiet setting.  He shouted everything he had to say in the tone of a being that was planning to murder you.

Probably because most of the time he usually is but let’s not get bogged down by semantics.

“JONES!  SPARE ME YOUR RUMP SWABBERY AND STAND AT ONCE!”

I did.  My ruler pointed at BQB, who was lying there with his mouth agape.

“Why is the Chosen One is such a horrid state?  Explain yourself immediately or be vaporized!”

The security aliens cocked and locked their vaporization blasters, ready to turn me into a fine mist.

Vaporization was the Mighty Potentate’s solution for everything.  I can’t say it didn’t work for him.  My home world ran like a well oiled machine, thanks to constant, non-stop threats of vaporization.  In fact, your human leaders might want to look into this practice.

“Oh He of Vast Potent Powers,”  I said.  “Please forgive me for my failure.  Bookshelf Q. Battler, er, ‘The Chosen One’ was forced into a trial by zombie combat and was injured.”

“And you let it happen!”  the Mighty Potentate said.  “Do you know if the Chosen One dies, I’ll be left with no choice but to break Intergalactic Space Law, separate our planet from the Intergalactic Space Organization, and conduct a full scale invasion of Earth just to prevent the spread of reality television to the rest of the universe?”

“Mighty Potentate,”  I said.  “I am so sorry I have failed you.  Truly, an insect such as I does not deserve to bask in the glorious rays of your pleasant visage.  It’s just that you’ve put down so many edicts that sometimes I get confused.  ‘Protect the Chosen One.’  ‘Don’t do anything that will draw too much attention from the humans.’  ‘Do not interfere in human affairs.’  It’s like I can’t follow one of your orders without breaking another one.’”

The Mighty Potentate’s face turned into one of furious anger.  His volume went off the charts.

“DO YOU DARE QUESTION THE COMMANDS OF YOUR SUPREME OVERLORD?!”

I trembled.  The Mighty Potentate was the only being in the universe that ever made me afraid.  I’m not sure if it was because I was scared of vaporization, saddened by the possibility of disappointing a ruler I had tremendous respect for, or a combination of the two.

“No!  Not at all, oh Mightiest of Potentates!  It was my brain, much inferior to yours, that wasn’t able to figure out how to protect the Chosen One and follow your edicts at the same time!”

“Believe it or not, Jones, but the last thing I want to do is conquer Earth,”  the Mighty Potentate said.  “Are you aware that Zamfram’s Intergalactic Real Estate Guide lists Earth as the cheapest property in the entire universe?  I won’t even be able to pay a junk service to haul this miserable excuse for a planet away.”

I could tell the Mighty Potentate was ready to rant.  I didn’t interrupt.

“Do you know these hairless apes have been around for nearly two hundred thousand years and they only figured out six hundred years ago that if they sail from one side of the planet to the other they won’t fall off?”

“Imbeciles for certain,” I said.  “Humans surely rival the Moloklaxons as the dumbest species.”

“Holy Flarking Shazbo,”  the Mighty Potentate continued.  “They destroy their protective ozone layer with products that make their hair shinier.  They wage war after war in the name of one invisible man in the sky because they don’t like the idea that another group of humans would believe in a different human in the sky.  And they consume cheese stuffed crust pizza by the truck load then wonder why they’re fatter than space cows.”

“It’s a real mess down here, MP,”  I said.  “I’ve done the best I can to inform the humans as to how they can change their ways with my ‘Ask the Alien’ column.

“All of this nonsense I can put up with,”  the Mighty Potentate said.  “But having my television invaded by programs about supermodels with large behinds who go shopping, plumbers who fix toilets, grizzly pawn shop owners, and stereotypical Italians from New Jersey who do nothing but party and get spray on tans is where I draw the line.  I will send my entire armada to take over this planet to prevent that from happening.”

“I understand, Mighty One,”  I said.  “You’re very protective of your beloved scripted programming.”

“Damn straight!”  the Mighty Potentate said.  “Why would anyone watch reality TV show when they can take in a drama full of twists and plot turns?  It makes no sense!”

“Another human mystery I suppose,”  I said.

“This is a sad state of affairs,”  the Mighty Potentate said.  “The Chosen One is the only human holding my back from a global conquest.”

I had a question and as I’m sure you realize, posing a question to an unquestionable ruler is a sticky wicket to be sure.

“Mighty Potentate,”  I said.  “Know that I, your humble servant, would never question your mandates, but I have a question that will help my pitiful brain understand your declarations better.  Are you certain that BQB is, in fact, the Chosen One?”

“DO YOU DARE CAST DOUBT ON YOUR MIGHTY POTENTATE?”

“No!  Not at all!”  I said.  “It’s just…well…all BQB does is go to work then come home, watch TV and eat nachos.  Once in awhile he tries to write, gets a sentence or two down, then announces, ‘F%$k it!  I’m watching Game of Thrones!  If there is greatness in him, it must be buried deep as I have yet to see it.”

“Rest assured it is there, Jones,” the Mighty Potentate said.  “I have foreseen in a vision that this nerd will write a book so witty, so charming, so amazing that the humans will rise up and demand better from the entertainment industry, and reality television will be no more without the need of an alien invasion!”

“Your visions are never wrong,”  I said.

“Of course they aren’t!  Did I not foresee that the Moloklaxons would become the A-Holes of the Universe?”

“You did.”

“Did I not foresee that Morloff Delta would become a safe haven for intergalactic space prostitutes?”

“No one but you saw that one coming, Oh Wise Potentate,”  I replied.

“And who foretold that a race of sentient iguanas would overthrow the Voscari System?”

“You did, MP,”  I said.  “The Prime Iguana is truly a bloodthirsty ruler.”

“Then stop questioning your unquestionable ruler and get with the program, Jones!”  the Mighty Potentate said.  “Help this nerd get his writing career off the ground or it’s the vaporizer for you.”

“I understand,”  I said.

“Good,”  the Mighty Potentate said as he put a hand on my shoulder.  “Jones, I would not have tolerated a failure like this from any of the other aliens under my command.  I hope you know that.”

“I had a feeling.”

“Do you know why I give you such leeway?”  the Mighty Potentate asked.

“I hope you will enlighten me, oh Great Enlightened One.”

“I am in the twilight of my life, Jones,”  the Mighty Potentate explained.  “Beings of our species rarely last longer than a million years.  I’m just shy of my 990,000 birthday.  I’ve got about ten grand’s worth of years left before my body’s organs liquefy into a putrid stench.”

“Oh Potentate,”  I said.  “Please don’t say such things.  Why, you barely look a day over 500,000.”

“Well I work out,”  the Mighty Potentate said.  “Even so, while I have conquered much of the universe, I cannot conquer death.  I must know that my empire will be in good hands when I scream the great scream of death as my body turns itself inside out as happens to all of our elderly.”

“I cannot fathom the idea of a Mighty Potentate-less world,”  I said.

“You won’t have to,” the MP said.  “For all this time, I have been grooming you to become the next Mighty Potentate.”

My life juices boiled with shock.

“Me?”

“You,”  the Mighty Potentate said.  “Why do you think I appointed you to the Esteemed Council of Potentate Advisors?  There’s the Esteemed Warmonger One, who leads all of my troops into battle.  The Esteemed Medical One, who advises me on the latest advancements in medicine, and so on.  But there can only be one Esteemed Brainy One, the alien capable of advising me on ALL matters and that is you.  Surely you’re aware of the tradition that the Esteemed Brainy One always advances to the position of Mighty Potentate upon a Mighty Potentate’s demise?”

“I am,”  I said.  “But you’ve been so efficient with your threats of vaporization that I assumed you’d just threatened the Esteemed Medical One to find a way to keep you alive indefinitely.”

“The thought had crossed my mind,”  the Mighty Potentate said.  “But honestly, I look forward to the sweet release of death that will come when my body explodes and its innards congeal into a viscous slop.  I’ve been Potentating for far too long and I need a break.”

“I shall do all I can to live up to this great honor,”  I said.

“See that you do,” the MP said.  “I’m in my golden years, Jones, and the last thing I need to do is be worrying about trying to find a buyer for a planet full of hairless apes who only figured out how to fly a hundred years ago.”

The Mighty Potentate held up his scepter and the golden beam of light returned, whisking him and his security detail away.

I dialed up another zombie author on my space phone.

“Me, the next Mighty Potentate, as long as I help the Chosen One with his writing career,”  I said.  “Let’s up BQB’s blog stats with another interview

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Oct 26 2015
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#31ZombieAuthors

#31ZombieAuthors – Day 26 Interview – Rhiannon Frater

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By: Alien Jones, Special Guest Interviewer

Greetings 3.5 human readers.

The Esteemed Brainy One here, filling in for Bookshelf Q. Battler as he recovers from his trial by zombie combat.

Today’s guest is Rhiannon Frater, author of such zombified books as the As the World Dies Trilogy and The Last Bastion series.

A prolific author, her works also transcend the Young Adult, Vampire, and Supernatural genres.

A Texan through and through, Frater’s many accolades include a starred review from Publisher’s Weekly for As the World Dies. Further, The Last Bastion of the Living was declared the Number One Zombie Release of 2012 by Explorations Fantasy Blog and the Number One Zombie Novel of the Decade by the B&N Book Blog.

When she’s not busy writing, other past times include sci-fi and horror shows, playing video games, cooking, dyeing her hair weird colors, and shopping for Betsey Johnson purses and shoes.

Welcome Rhiannon and thanking you for agreeing to an interview conducted by an alien. P.S., if anyone asks, I’d appreciate it if you could just tell them you were interviewed by a small human disguised in hipster garb.

NOTE: BOLD=Alien Jones; ITALICS=Rhiannon 

Q.   Let’s get right to it.  Obviously, you love sci-fi, horror and the supernatural.  Lots of people do but few take that passion and turn it into a successful writing career.  What motivated you to do it?

A.   Quite honestly, since I was a little girl I knew I was going to be a professional writer. I have never felt so certain of anything in my life. I just believed that I would one day write books that people would love. I guess it was a calling. I will admit that life got in the way of my writing and for a time I gave up on the dream. Then I reached a point where I realized how miserable I was when I wasn’t writing. My husband (then my boyfriend) encouraged me to start writing again. I did, and within five years I had a literary agent, a contract with Tor, and a solid fan base.

Q.   In the Last Bastion series, you paint a picture of a futuristic world overrun by zombies known as the Inferi Scourge.  Humans hole up inside “The Bastion” and its the job of warriors like Vanguards Lindsey Rooney or Maria Martinez to protect them.  It sounds like an awesome mashup, blending the genres of apocalyptic science-fiction and zombie horror for one fun ride.  Can you tell BQB’s 3.5 readers about this world?  And how did it first pop into your mind?

A.  Well, the Bastion is literally the last city of the living. The world is dead. The Inferi Scourge have destroyed everything. They’re not flesh-eating zombies, but they are driven with the need to infect and spread the virus that created them. The book is set far in the future, so there are some high-tech weaponry, etc, but it’s a decaying world with limited resources. In the first book, the powers that be in the Bastion are attempting to reclaim the vast valley that surrounds the Bastion. There is a natural barrier – a mountain range – between the valley and the outside world and a gate once held the Scourge out. But at some point the gate failed and the Scourge swarmed into the valley, pushing the humans into the walled city. The second book is about what remains outside the valley.

As with most ideas, I dreamed this one. It was a very terrifying nightmare, but I loved the story inside the dream so much I had to write it.

Q.  As the World Dies follows survivors struggling to survive in a zombie infested Texas.  Today, we live in a modern world where food, showers, TV, computers and other luxuries are all readily accessible.  Why then, do humans fantasize about living in a world with little to no comfort, being pursued by brain chomping beasts all the while?  I assume humans must fantasize about this quite a bit as novels such as yours do so well.  Should I be concerned about the mental stability of humanity or is it all in good fun?

A.   I don’t think we are actually fantasizing about wanting to live in a post-apocalyptic world.  I think it’s a way to live out our worst fears, but in a safe way. We fear our world collapsing, yet at the same time we crave a reset. Zombies aren’t real, so we can live out our worst fears in a fantasy landscape that we know will never come to pass. We can imagine ourselves surviving and somehow rebuilding society. It’s pure escapism. There is immense relief when you can close a book and trap the monsters inside and continue on with your life.

Q.  You also have a series about a very pretty vampire.  She’s Pretty When She Dies, Pretty When She Kills and so on.  Why are people always aghast at the possibility of being turned into a vampire?  Immortal life, youth and powers that put you above the law seem like a pretty sweet deal.  Is there a down side?

A.  Well, Amaliya is murdered and buried in a forest. Not a really awesome thing to happen. When she rises, she has no idea what is going on or what she is. So she has a very hard learning curve. Once she gets the hang of it, she likes being a vampire. There are drawbacks, of course, but she likes the power she inherits from her maker. Of course, having to deal with a psychotic creator that’s talking her not very fun. Also, the more powerful she becomes (she’s a necromancer/vampire), the more other supernatural creatures are gunning for her.

Q.  You’re a gamer.  What’s the best zombie based video game out there right now and why?

A.  I honestly don’t know. Most of them are first person shooters and I can’t play those. I throw up. I play Guild Wars 2 religiously and they have zombies called the Risen. I have to admit they’re pretty scary when they swarm you.

Q.  Rhiannon, thanks for allowing me to pepper you with questions for BQB’s humble blog.  Before I disperse, do you have any advice that might help the humans and I survive the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

Never venture out alone! Always have a zombie killing buddy. You watch their back, and they watch yours!

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Oct 26 2015
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BQB's Zombie Apocalypse Survivor's Journal

BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 26 – Part 1

I’m not going to lie. I have body issues.

I was told I’d have to be shirtless for my trial by zombie combat.

I stood there in the locker room, staring at the mirror.

“Crap. I have man titties.”

“You look fine,” VGRF said as she wrapped her arms around me.

“I’ll never have the stunning physique of Johnny B. Truant, author of The Beam, Fat Vampire, and other works.”

VGRF slapped me across the face.

“Damn it, man! I love you just the way you are. Stop comparing yourself to the prime physical specimen that is Johnny B. Truant, co-host of the Self-Publishing Podcast! He has pecs that no man could ever achieve!”

“I wish I could call the SPP guys on the space phone right now,” I said. “They’d probably have some good advice to get myself out of this. Alas, such world renowned media moguls would never be bothered to talk to a lowly nerd like me.”

“Stop selling yourself short, BQB.”

Our conversation was cut short by the sounds of giggling. We followed the sound to the shower room, where Bernie and Blandie were smooching furiously.

“WHAT THE?” was my response.

“Yo!” was all Bernie could get out. “What up, G?”

Blandie blushed.

“You two? Really?”

“BQB,” Blandie said. “You and I never worked out because you’re too smart and independent.”

Blandie put an arm around Bernie.

“All I’ve ever wanted was a man with a brain full of mush that I can play and easily manipulate.”

Bernie smiled a stupid grin.

“And all I’ve ever wanted is to touch some tit-tays.”

“How long has this been going on?” I asked.

“A few days,” Bernie said. “Sorry playa, I shoulda blasted you the deets sooner.”

“Nah, it’s cool,” I said as I drew VGRF close to me. “I’ve found my soulmate. Blandie, you’re a godawful human being, but every human needs someone.”

“Thanks?”

“And Bernie,” I continued.

“Yeah?”

“It’s your funeral, dude.”

George and the DiStefanos walked in.

“It’s time, maggot,” George said.

VGRF hugged me so tight she practically pushed herself through me.

“Be safe and come back to me, my nerdy stallion!”

I looked at my she-nerd lover. The tears were coming.

“Buck up, buttercup. I’m off to kick some zombie ass.”

Alien Jones tugged on my arm.

“BQB, I’ve traveled all over the universe and…”

“I know,” I interrupted. “You’ve never met a warrior more capable than me?”

“Actually, I’ve met thousands better than you,” AJ said. “But remember. You’re fighting a Moloklaxon warlord here. You’re taking on a man in his fifties. If you can’t take out an AARP card carrier, you should be incredibly ashamed of yourself.”

I put my hand on AJ’s shoulder.

“Thanks, Esteemed Brainy One.”

George grabbed my arm.

“Come on! There’s no time to bond with your deformed kid!”

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