Tag Archives: zombies

Zom Fu – Chapter 19

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Junjie blocked Bohai’s punch, then countered with a nunchuck strike.

“Bohai,” Junjie said. “What has become of you?”

Swish! Bohai ducked Mei-Ling’s blade. The cocky warrior was moving faster than ever, easily fending off two opponents at once.

“I have improved in every possible way,” Bohai said. “I have acquired the knowledge of two men and I am hungry for more.”

“But how?” Junjie asked as he nunchuck slapped away Bohai’s punches.

“I have acquired a taste for brains,” Bohai answered as he blocked the female warrior’s kick. “And I’d wager yours is delicious, Mei-Ling.”

“You’ve gone insane!” Junjie shouted. “These are the words of a mad man!”

“You can keep your brain, Junjie,” Bohai said. “There’s a useless meal if I’ve ever seen one.”

“Why are you doing this?” Junjie just before getting socked in the jaw.

“I want the Staff of Ages!” Bohai said. “I won it and I’ll win again if I have to!”

“Stand down,” Junjie said as he delivered multiple nunchuck slaps to Bohai’s face. “We’ll get you to the master and he’ll figure out how to fix you.”

“I’m not broken,” Bohai said. “You are the one who…GACK!”

Mei-Ling impaled Bohai with her sword. Bohai fell on his side and clutched at the handle.

“Do you…really think…this will stop…me…gahhh.”

Bohai closed his eyes. He was motionless.

“Oh Bohai,” Junjie said. “I love you so, brother. Why wouldn’t you listen to reason?”

Mei-Ling yanked on Junjie’s robe and pointed to the courtyard, where Dragonhand and the Infallible Master were locked in combat.

“He needs us,” Junjie said as he and Mei-Ling ran toward their leader.

Bohai coughed and spit up blood. He opened his eyes. They remained blank but now, his face turned gray. He grabbed the sword’s handle, wrenched it out of his gut without showing a single sign of pain, then stood up.

“Errgh,” the now undead warrior mumbled as he walked to the courtyard.

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Zom Fu – Chapter 18

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“And that,” Niu said as he rolled up a scroll, “Is the story of how the Fourteenth Infallible Master wrestled an alligator into submission, convinced it to change its evil ways and lived to tell the tale.”

Ten year old Shing, the scrawny little scrapper who so rudely dropped his teacher earlier, wasted no time in voicing his displeasure. “I find it highly suspect that a human being would be able to wrestle an alligator into submission.”

“Shut up, dummy!” cried eight year old Yan. “Infallible Masters can do anything. Isn’t that right, teacher?”

“Oh, I don’t know if they’re able to do, ‘anything,’” Niu said. “But close to it.”

“Teacher,” Shing said. “You’re really going to contradict me in front of a girl?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Niu inquired.

“Because girls aren’t as smart as boys,” Shing said. “Ergo, Yan is not as smart as I am.”

“Am too!” Yan said just before sticking her tongue out at her adversary.

“I have a feeling that you are all very smart,” Niu said. “The Infallible Master has seen something special in all of you. He would not have put you on the path of a kung fu warrior if he had not.”

“See?” Yan said. The tongue came out again.

“Ungh,” Shing said. “I’m surrounded by fools.”

Niu sighed. “You are the second coming of Bohai.”

“What?” Shing asked.

“Nothing,” Niu said. “You just remind me of a strong willed child I knew as a boy.”

“Did he grow up to become a great man?” Shing asked.

“I’m not sure if the fates have made that determination yet,” Niu replied.

“Meh,” Yan said as she stuck her tongue out at the boy once more.

“Yan,” Niu said.

“Huh?” Yan asked.

“If the fates wanted your tongue out all the time, they would have made you without lips,” Niu said.

“Bah ha ha,” Shing said as he laughed and pointed at Yan. The little girl put her tongue away and pouted.

“Enough now,” Niu said. “Time for bed.”

“Just one more story?” Yan asked.

Niu yawned and stretched. “Had the fates wanted your teacher to read another story to you, they wouldn’t have allowed him to feel so sleepy. Come now. To bed.”

“All fifty of the little ones let out a collective, “Aww” of disappointment, then headed for their beds, which lined the walls of the dormitory.

Niu picked up a lit candle from a table and walked down an aisle between the beds, checking on each one of his charges along the way.

“Teacher?” Shing said.

“Yes?” Niu asked.

“Is Dragonhand real?” the little boy asked.

“Now why would you concern your tiny mind with that?” Niu asked.

“The Infallible Master told us that if we are not good we might end up like Dragonhand,” Shing said.

“Ahh,” Niu said. “Well, the Infallible Master used to tell my friends and I the same tale when we were little ones just like you.”

“Is it true?” the boy asked. “Is Dragonhand really a dead man who lives beyond the grave? Is he really as ugly as they say? Can he really learn everything you have ever learned by eating your brain?”

“I doubt it,” Niu said. “I assume that Dragonhand is just like the story with the Fourteenth Master and the alligator, a fable written by our ancestors to teach us a lesson.”

“But,” Shing said. “How do you know?”

“I don’t,” Niu replied. “But I think that if a living dead man as nasty as Dragonhand were real, the fates would have allowed him to cross our paths by now.”

“I guess,” Shing said.

Niu walked to the door. “Sleep well, children. There will be more stories tomorrow.”

The big man blew out the candle. Within seconds, a fireball tore through the left wall of the room, streaked through the open air of the dormitory, and exited out the right wall. Flames crackled their way up the sides of both walls.

The children jumped out of their beds. Niu ran to the hole in the left wall and observed his fellow clan members taking on the zombie horde.

“Children!” Niu said. “Quickly!”

Niu picked up Shing and threw him over his right shoulder, then tucked Yan under his left arm and rushed his students out of the dormitory and down the hall.

“What’s happening?!” one of the children cried.

“We run now,” Niu shouted. “We figure it out later.”

The group ran past the doors to the library. They hurried on, fast as they could until they reached the set of double-doors that led outside.

Bam…bam…bam…fists pounded on the doors.

“Children,” Niu said.

Crash! Undead hands broke holes in the doors and started feeling around for any bits of flesh they could find.

“Fall back!” Niu shouted. “To the library!”

The children were ahead of their teacher now. Niu heard the sounds of the doors splinter apart and the sounds of footsteps running behind him but he did not look back.

Niu made it to the library, ushered the children inside, then shut the door. He turned and faced the monsters, five in total He studied their gray, rancid faces. The beasts spread out and circled the big man.

“Apparently the fates have made me a liar,” Niu said.

“Yes,” one of the creatures said. “We do exist.”

Niu cracked the muscles in his neck then put up his fists. “Not for long.”

All five zombies pounced on the fatalist. He flexed his muscles and threw them off. Bash! He landed one punch after another, lumbering through the zombies like a runaway boulder.

Niu pinned one zombie to the ground and punched the beast’s face over and over again. “How…is…this…not…killing…you?”

A zombie jumped on Niu’s back and was about to take a bite when Niu rose to his feet, picked the creature off of him and tossed it away as if it were a bug.

“I’ve never wanted to do this,” Niu said as he held out his hands in the tiger claw pose, “But I see no other option.”

“Bahhh!” the big man shouted as he pushed his right tiger claw into a zombie’s chest and ripped out its blackened heart.

The zombie looked at the open wound, then looked up and smiled.

“Impossible,” Niu said.

Niu blocked punches and kicks as the pack attacked. He tiger clawed out more hearts, as well as lungs, livers and kidneys. Finally, he tiger clawed out a brain but its owner, despite a caved in skull, kept coming.

“Why would the fates punish me by pitting me against any enemy that cannot be defeated by the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw?” Niu said as he dropped the brain on the ground. “Fine, take me but please spare the young ones.”

The zombies lurched forward. Niu took one step and accidentally stepped on the brain. As he felt it smush under his foot, he saw the zombie it belonged to collapse.

“Ahh,” Niu said. “So the fates are not done with me yet.”

One…two…three…four…Niu tiger clawed out the remaining brains and smashed them. Oddly, he lost control of his senses as he picked one of the smushed brains up and stared at it as if he were mesmerized by it.

“Huh,” Niu said. “I always thought a brain would look disgusting…and it does…but…it also looks so…juicy and inviting.”

Niu licked his lips. “Perhaps a little taste wouldn’t hurt.”

Bam! The children pounded on the library door.

“Teacher!” Yan shouted. “Are you alive?”

Niu broke free of the trance and tossed the brain on the floor. “Right. I’m coming.”

More growls. More snarls. Ten more zombies entered the building and starting running down the hall. Niu entered the library and locked the door behind him.

“Come little ones,” Niu said. “I must show you a trick that Scholar Jing once showed me.”

Niu lead the children to the back of the library, where there was an old stone fireplace. He pulled on a candlestick, which acted as a switch, causing the fireplace to rumble and move to the left. Once the fireplace was out of the way, a long tunnel was revealed.

“This is not the first time our clan’s sanctuary has been invaded,” Niu said as he shooed the children into the tunnel.

Fists pounded on the library doors.

“Come,” Niu said as he waved each kid through. “Hurry.”

Outside in the hall, the zombies set torches to the doors.  The wood caught on fire just as the undead warriors smashed their way into the library.

“But teacher,” Shing said. “What about you?”

“Shing,” Niu said to the little boy. “Yan,” to the little girl. “You are the teachers now. This tunnel heads north into the forest. A mile away there is a village. There are good people there who will look out for all of you until I come to collect you. Do you understand?”

“Yes teacher,” the little ones said as they nodded.

“Good,” Niu said. “Then go.”

The little boy and the little girl stepped into the tunnel. Niu reset the candle stick and the fireplace slid to the right just as the zombies broke through the doors.

“But teacher!” cried Yan.

“I said, ‘Go!’”

Ten zombified warriors shuffled into the room as the walls caught fire. They all fanned out in a circle around Niu.

“So,” Niu said as he cracked his knuckles. “I don’t suppose you are all here to listen to a story?”

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Zom Fu – Chapter 17

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Few may be aware of this, but practitioners of kung fu have developed a myriad of astounding sexual moves over the years. The downward spiraling lotus blossom, the menacing cat, the playful otter, the bombastic jackal, the miraculous crow, the three-legged badger, the twitchy nosed rabbit, the luxurious ginger root twist, the drunken eel, the lazy walrus, the fastidious cobra – Junjie and Mei-Ling had worn out their repertoire and were snuggled up, sleeping soundly when the sounds of battle woke them.

They sprang out of bed and looked out the window to see their fellow disciples being chomped upon by members of the brain bite clan.

“This…this cannot be!” Junjie said.

The lovers dressed. Mei-Ling pulled a pair of nunchucks off of her wall, tossed them to Junjie, then grabbed a sword. The duo raced down the hallway, stepping over the brainless corpses the master had left behind just moments earlier.

“No, no, no, no…” Junjie repeated over and over.

Once outside, the carnage overwhelmed their senses.

Zombies and humans were locked in kung fu combat. A beast ran toward Mei-Ling, who defended herself with a slash across the monster’s chest. The undead warrior was unfazed, even when Mei-Ling hacked off his arm.

Meanwhile, Junjie was fending off a wave of zombified marauders with a barrage of non-stop nunchuck slaps. The handsome hero was astounded, as he’d seen humans get knocked out by strikes backed up by less power before.

“Step aside,” a voice commanded.

The zombies obeyed. Bohai pushed his way through the undead horde.

“Bohai?” Junjie asked as he squinted at his friend’s blank eyes.

“Hello brother,” Bohai said to Junjie, and then to Mei-Ling, “Sister.”

“Are you all right?” Junjie asked.

“Better than ever,” Bohai said as he struck a fighting stance. “And ready for my rematch.”

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Zom Fu – Chapter 16

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The Infallible Master’s slumber was interrupted when smoke poured in through the open window in his room. The old man stirred. Grunts, growls and battle cries flowed from the outside and into his ears.

The master got out of bed, changed into his robe, then took the Staff of Ages from its resting place on the wall.

“How much time do I have left, old friend?” the master asked.

The ruby flickered.

“That much, huh?” the old man asked as he opened his door. “Oh well, I suppose no matter how much time a person has left, it never feels like enough. Stand with me to the end, will you?”

The ruby flickered again.

“That’s all I ask.”

Within a few steps down the hallway of the clan’s barracks, the master found himself squaring off with two of Dragonhand’s ugliest. They attacked but the master flawlessly blocked their blows.

“You won’t be needing these,” the master said as he tiger clawed the attackers’ brains out of their heads. Yet, even with their brains detached, the skulls smashed to pieces, and their faces missing, the zombified warriors continued to lurch toward the master.

The master squeezed the brains in his hands until they popped, squirting blood, puss and goo everywhere. The undead warriors dropped to the floor instantly.

“Sleep now, unfortunate ones.”

The old man made his way to the temple only to find it ablaze. The school, the barracks, the Tower of Masters Past – it was all on fire.

“Master!” shouted a disciple named Liwei. “They’re everywhere!”

The master looked around and saw that his disciples were defending the sanctuary with all that they had.

“Their brains, my children!” the master shouted. “Tiger claw their brains!”

The old man let his tiger claws fly, ripping undead brains out left and right and smashing them as quickly as possible. Alas, he was too late to save Liwei, who was grabbed by three zombified warriors and ripped apart. He screamed as the beasts devoured his flesh.

Thok! The master jammed the edge of his staff through the eye of a big burly looking zombie, piercing its brain. The old man pulled his staff out and let the carcass drop.

The Infallible Master fought his way through the sanctuary’s grounds, defeating many zombies and helping his disciples along the way. Soon, he found himself in the courtyard, surrounded by burning trees.

The smoke cleared and a shadowy figure stepped out of it. The undead face was ugly and yet…strangely familiar.

“Longwei,” the master said.

The fiend laughed. “Longwei isn’t here anymore, old man. Dragonhand is all that remains.”

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Zom Fu – Chapter 15

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Just after midnight, Kang spotted a single glowing torch approaching the gates from his post atop the wall.

“Behold and hear me, for I am Kang the Magnificent, Guardian of the Gate of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw. I have vanquished scores of evildoers in my day and all are well advised to stay on the good side of my humble nature. Bask in my glory and recognize that I will not be swayed in my duty to protect the walls that keep my illustrious clan safe.”

The torch stopped moving.

“Identify yourself immediately!”

“Errgh,” was the reply.

“You will identify yourself or you will be turned away!” Kang shouted.

A few moments passed before the torch holder finally gave in. “Bohai.”

Kang squinted into the darkness, but the torch was all he could see. “Bohai? Is that you?”

“Yes,” Bohai replied.

“It doesn’t sound like you,” Kang said.

“It’s me,” Bohai said.

“No,” Kang said. “The Bohai I know would have mocked my speech by now.”

“Oh, right,” Bohai said. “You are an idiot.”

“That’s more like it,” Kang said as he yanked a lever. Gears turned and cranks cranked as the gate opened. Kang climbed down a ladder to meet the new arrival.

“I am glad you have come to your senses and returned,” Kang said. “There is too much turmoil in the world for members of our own clan to be fighting one another.”

“Indeed,” Bohai said.

It was difficult for Kang to see in the dark, but as he stepped closer, he noticed that Bohai was wearing a blood red robe. A hood covered Bohai’s face.

Kang embraced Bohai. “Welcome home, brother.”

“Errgh,” Bohai replied.

“Now then,” Kang said. “I must return to my post.”

“One more thing before you go,” Bohai said.

“Yes?” Kang asked.

Bohai threw back his hood to reveal his blank eyes. He turned his right hand into a tiger claw, smashed it through the gatekeeper’s skull, and twisted out his brain.

“Mmm,” Bohai said as he chomped the awful treat. “Yes.”

Once the brain was devoured, Bohai licked the blood from his fingers, stepped over Kang’s body and marched toward the temple.

A minute later, hundreds of burning torches approached the gate. Before long, the Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite was through the gate. Dragonhand led the way.

The fiend laughed maniacally. “Yes! Destroy everything!”

Dragonhand held out his arms and engulfed his hands in fire. “Burn it all to the ground!”

The zombified warriors spread out and set their torches against every structure they found, lighting them ablaze. Their leader shot a fireball out of his hand that pierced the the temple.

“Bring me the Staff of Ages!” Dragonhand barked at his warriors.

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Zom Fu – Chapter 14

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Mei-Ling sat on the temple steps and studied the stars. In her mind, she was locating various constellations when her focus was interrupted by a visitor.

“Hello,” Junjie said as he sat down on the same step Mei-Ling was sitting on. Sadly, he placed himself six feet away.

The female warrior nodded at the handsome hero, then returned her gaze to the stars.

Junjie coughed to clear his throat. “Lovely evening.”

Mei-Ling nodded.

Scooch. Junjie began closing the gap.

“Excellent weather,” Junjie said. More scooching ensued. Mei-Ling nodded some more.

“Are you looking for a constellation?” Junjie asked. Scooch. Nod.

“Any one in particular?” Junjie asked.

Mei-Ling blushed.

“Oh,” Junjie said.  “Right.”

Minutes of silence passed until finally, Junjie was sitting right next to Mei-Ling.

“I wish I knew what was going on inside your brain,” Junjie said.

Mei-ling smiled.

“I can tell there is nary a moment when you aren’t using it,” Junjie said.

The pair sat for a while longer. Junjie tried a different tactic.

“Whoever is the best at everything, say, ‘aye.’ Aye!”

Mei-Ling’s eyes widened. She gave Junjie a playful punch in the shoulder.

“Oh well, the ‘ayes’ have it,” Junjie said. “Thank you Mei. I didn’t know you thought I was the best at everything.”

Mei-Ling rolled her eyes.

Junjie sighed. “We should vote again because I’m not the best at everything, especially when it comes to decision making.”

Mei-Ling remained quiet.

“Have you ever had to make a difficult choice?” Junjie asked.

Mei-Ling nodded.

“How did you figure it out?” Junjie asked.

Mei-Ling shrugged her shoulders.

“You don’t say,” Junjie replied, earning him another punch in the shoulder.

The pair sat quietly for awhile until Junjie mustered up all of the little confidence he had in himself in order to blurt out what he needed to say.

“Please marry me because I’d rather grow old with you than live indefinitely without you.”

Mei-Ling’s eyes widened until they looked ready to pop.

“You don’t have to say, ‘yes,’” Junjie said. “An up and down nod will do.”

The handsome hero’s plea was met by a look of total confusion on the female warrior’s face.

“Right then,” Junjie said as he stood up. “Well, considering the lifespans of past Infallible Masters, I’ll have anywhere from two hundred to fifteen-hundred years to live this embarrassment down. I’m sorry to have bothered you.”

Before he could leave, a small hand was pulling him back. Junjie turned around. Mei-Ling stood on her tip toes and pressed her lips against Junjie’s. The couple remained just like that for a while, kissing passionately in the moonlight.

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Zom Fu – Part 2 – Brain Licks and Other Tricks

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Niu is named Scholar of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw, a position that requires him to tend to the clan’s library and oversee the education of the youngest kung fu students.

Junjie pines for Mei-Ling and is told by the Infallible Master to choose between love or power.

Bohai meets Dragonhand and succumbs to the power of zom fu.

Chapter 9          Chapter 10          Chapter 11          Chapter 12          Chapter 13

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Zom Fu – Chapter 13

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Thump…thump…thump…thump…

As Bohai came to, the sound of a steady drumbeat filled his ears. His arms and legs were bound to a long tree branch that the zombified warriors used to carry the young man as though he were a bundle.

Lickspittle led the procession into the clearing, where zombified warriors danced and growled like wildebeests, bathing in blood and guts that they tossed at one another, feasting on the limbs and organs of the fallen members of the mystifying monkey slap clan.

“Ooof!” Bohai found himself face first in the dirt when the warriors dropped him. Next came Lickspittle’s voice.

“I hope this offering pleases you master,” the lackey said.

“It better,” Dragonhand replied.

“This human was feisty and fought like a lion,” Lickspittle said. “Hot, delicious blood courses through his veins, oh mighty Dragonhand.”

“Dragonhand.” Bohai’s spine tingled upon hearing the name.

The zombified warriors cut Bohai free then wrenched him to his feet and held him before their master.

“Hmm,” Dragonhand said as he looked over the specimen. “Strong…sturdy…and what’s this?”

The fiend tapped on Bohai’s shoulder, where the claw of an actual tiger had been emblazoned on his robe.

“It appears we have a disciple of the Infallible Master,” Dragonhand said as he backhanded Lickspittle. “You fool! Was he followed?”

Lickspittle cowered and hid his face behind his forearms. “No, master! He was all alone! Surely no one would dare attack a camp held by the glorious Dragonhand!”

“Dragonhand.” That name again. Bohai’s mind raced.

The fiend grabbed his prey by the face, forcing Bohai to look upon his captor’s blank eyes.

“You’re a long way from home.”

Silence.

“What have you got to say for yourself?” Dragonhand asked.

More silence.

“What’s your name?” Dragonhand asked.

Bohai refused to speak. Lickspittle struck the captive but was instantly pushed aside by Dragonhand.

“Do not come between me and a brain, insolent wretch!”

“A thousand apologies, master,” Lickspittle said.

Dragonhand leaned in and sniffed Bohai’s hair, a move that the young man was not expecting at all.

“Umm,” Bohai muttered.

“Shh,” Dragonhand said as he pressed a gray finger against Bohai’s lips. Dragonhand opened his mouth, produced his slimy tongue and licked the captive’s head.

“Sir?” Bohai said. “I do believe there’s been a mistake…”

Dragonhand ran his tongue up and down Bohai’s cranium, coating every single strand of the fighter’s hair with sticky spit.

“…it’s just that I fancy females is all and so I am not well-suited for…whatever this is…”

“Your brain speaks to me,” Dragonhand said as he stepped back. “I can smell it. Taste it. Your skull attempts to hide it from me but I know the thoughts on your mind at present.”

Bohai laughed.

“Your name is Bohai,” Dragonhand said.

Bohai stopped laughing.

“You were one of the Infallible Master’s top four students,” Dragonhand said. “Yesterday, there was a competition over the Staff of Ages. You bested a female student and thus, you believe you are, by right, the Twentieth Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw.”

Bohai scoffed. “That uh…you could have heard that from anyone. People talk.”

“Your fellow disciple, a young man by the name of Junjie, was awarded the staff,” Dragonhand said. “During the battle, you told him that you would gladly kill him and the remaining members of the tiger claw clan and step over their graves in order to rule.”

“Well,” Bohai said. “When you put it that way…”

“You regret saying that,” Dragonhand said. “But you should not.”

“I shouldn’t?” Bohai asked.

“No,” Dragonhand replied. “The Infallible Master was a bumbling old fool when I studied under him years ago and I am certain he remains a bumbling old fool today.”

“I…I don’t know if he’s that bad,” Bohai said.

“He is,” Dragonhand said. “You think it. You’ve said it to him. You’ve said it to your fellow students. You are reluctant to say it to me as a slight trace of loyalty towards the Infallible Master remains in you and you know I am the Infallible Master’s enemy.”

“Do I?” Bohai said. “I…I don’t know you.”

Dragonhand grinned. “Do not lie. The master has long warned you that if you do not mend your so-called evil ways, that you will end up like me. You thought I was a fairy tale.”

“I might have said something like that,” Bohai said.

The fiend nodded to his subordinates. They released the captive but within seconds, Dragonhand was lifting Bohai up into the air by his throat.

“Do I look like a fairy tale to you?” Dragon asked.

“Ack,” Bohai said as he pawed at his throat. His eyes bulged. His face turned purple.

Wham! Dragonhand threw his new plaything to the ground. Bohai gasped and wheezed. “I never knew it was possible to learn so much about a person by licking their head!”

“Oh,” Dragonhand said with a chuckle. “That’s a skill that is only learned through years of being a connoisseur of head meat. Stand up. You look pathetic just lying there.”

Bohai stood up.

“You remind me of my younger self,” Dragonhand said. “Do you know why?”

Without skipping a beat, Bohai gave his answer. “You used to look this good as well?”

“Ha,” Dragonhand said. “Indeed I did, but that’s not why. Like you, the Infallible Master held me back. He knew I was the best student of my generation but he kept me from pursuing the power I deserved, so I left the tiger claw clan, raised my own group of warriors and look at me now.”

“What are you?” Bohai asked.

Dragonhand glared at Bohai. “The next Emperor. Serve me, and you will be the Twentieth Infallible Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw.”

Bohai gulped. “And if I refuse?”

“Then I’ll enjoy your screams as I feast on your flesh,” Dragonhand said. “But I know you won’t refuse.”

“You do?” Bohai asked.

“Yes,” Dragonhand answered. “Because your brain tells me that you wish to be the tiger claw clan’s next master more than anything in the world.”

Bohai shrugged his shoulders. “I do but…I’m not without honor. I suppose a part of me still cares for those morons.”

Dragonhand snapped his fingers. Lickspittle hurried over and handed his boss a bag, the bottom of which was dripping with blood. The fiend reached inside and pulled out a disgusting brain.

“Is that what I think it is?” Bohai asked.

“Yes,” Dragonhand said as he held the brain out towards his captive. “It belonged to Changpu, the trusted right hand of the Vengeful Master.”

“This is meant to frighten me?” Bohai asked.

“No,” Dragonhand said. “This is meant to nourish you.”

“I’m good, thanks,” Bohai said. “I had a big bowl of brains just before I got here and I’m feeling a little bloated.”

Dragonhand pushed the brain closer until it was less than an inch from Bohai’s face.

“Knowledge is power,” Dragonhand said. “Taste this brain and you will never again be held back by cowards who are too afraid to allow you to realize your full potential.”

Bohai turned away and shut his eyes, refusing to even look at the gruesome meal. “You’ll just have to kill me.”

Dragonhand nodded to his henchmen. They grabbed the captive by the arms and held them. Bohai struggled wildly, but it was no use.

The fiend yanked Bohai’s jaw downward, gripped the young fighter’s tongue and rubbed the brain against it.

Bohai stopped fighting. He felt a spike of adrenaline, a rush that made him feel like an unstoppable juggernaut. He held the palms of his hands out flat in front of him.

“The mystifying monkey slap!” Bohai said.

“The same,” Dragonhand replied. “Devour this brain and you will be unstoppable.”

Bohai snarled like a wild dog and ripped the brain out of Dragonhand’s grip. He dove to the ground and buried his teeth into it, tearing and ripping and chewing away.

Dragonhand laughed at the sight of his new disciple.

“Young one,” Dragonhand said. “Your new master has a favor to ask of you.”

Bohai looked up from his feast. His lips were soaked in blood. His eyes were blank. Only the whites remained.

“Anything master.”

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Zom Fu – Chapter 12

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By mid-afternoon, Bohai was several miles away from the sanctuary he once called home. He laid down underneath a tree and closed his eyes.

“By tomorrow morning those idiots will come looking for me,” Bohai said. “When they find me they’ll drop to their knees and beg me to come back but no…I will never come back unless they accept me as their master.”

Bohai drifted off to sleep, muttering to himself all the while. “They’ll thank me for this one day. They really will. Junjie as the Twentieth Infallible Master. Please. Just appoint a spineless jellyfish to be the Emperor while you’re at it.”

Snap. Somewhere in the forest, a twig cracked in two. Bohai opened one eye. Tree leaves rustled. Another snap. Bohai opened his other eye.

Growls and snarls cut through the silence as four of Dragonhand’s undead warriors jumped out of the trees. Bohai sprang to his feet and without thinking, turned himself into a furious kicking, punching whirlwind.

Pow! Foot to the first warrior’s drooping face. Smash! A punch to the second warrior’s boil covered face. Crack! A backflip kick to the third warrior’s gangrenous face. Punch…punch…punch…punch…punch…punch. Bohai worked the ribcage of the fourth warrior.

“Why isn’t this working?” Bohai asked. The young fighter looked up and for the first time, caught a good look at his opponent’s face. The zombified warrior’s eyes were blank, the hair on his head was patchy, his face was gray and scarred and his teeth? They snapped up and down as the monstrous man lunged at Bohai.

“What are you?” Bohai asked as he jumped into the air and spin kicked in a circular formation, giving each beast a smack in the face with his foot.

“Errgh.” The zombified warriors growled and closed in on Bohai.

“Come on, then!” Bohai shouted as he put his fists up. “I can do this all day!”

Bonk! Bohai felt something heavy hit him in the back of the head. He fell forward, flat on his face, and passed out.

“Errgh!” The zombies rejoiced and pawed at the body, preparing to break off a few pieces until Lickspittle shooed them away with a shovel.

“None for you, vultures!” the lackey said. “If the master wants a live snack then the master gets a live snack.”

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Zom Fu – Chapter 9

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The tiger claw clan’s sanctuary was surrounded by high walls. The main gates served as the only point of entry or exit and as the sun rose, Bohai headed for them with Junjie in tow.

“Brother!”

Bohai ignored Junjie and kept walking forward with his head held high and his nose in the air.

“Brother,” Junjie. “Will you stop?”

Bohai refused. He walked even faster.

Junjie put his hand on Bohai’s shoulder. “Can we talk about this?”

Bohai slapped Junjie’s hand away. “There is nothing to talk about.”

“Stay,” Junjie said.

“Not a chance,” Bohai said. “I am the greatest of all the up and coming young kung fu warriors.”

“Which is precisely why I need you here to help me lead the clan when the master is gone,” Junjie said.

Bohai stopped and smirked. “Do you have any idea how ignorant you sound?”

“No,” Junjie said. “But since we were small you’ve never missed an opportunity to tell me, so let’s hear it.”

Bohai poked his finger into Junjie’s chest. “A leader doesn’t need help leading. A leader leads.”

“All leaders have advisors,” Junjie said. “Even the Emperor has counselors.”

“Ha,” Bohai said. “You are no Emperor. Now leave me be so I can go where my genius will be appreciated.”

Bohai started walking. Junjie followed.

“Bohai,” Junjie said. “You are appreciated.”

Bohai flicked his hand, waving off the sentiment as though it meant little to him.

“You are loved,”Junjie said.

“Drivel,” Bohai replied.

“Bohai,” Junjie said. “You may be an arrogant, egotistical, stubborn, self-centered horse’s ass, but damn it, you are our arrogant, egotistical, stubborn, self-centered horse’s ass. I know you didn’t mean what you said about being willing to kill us all and walk over our graves just to get the Staff of Ages.”

“I did mean it,” Bohai said.  “Every word of it.”

“You didn’t,” Junjie replied.

The two warriors locked eyes and stared at each other.

“And what makes you so sure of that?” Bohai asked.

“Because you aren’t doing it right now,” Junjie answered.

Bohai looked away. “You speak the gibberish of a child.”

“I speak the truth,” Junjie said. “I have no doubt you could overpower me, Mei-Ling, Niu, the Master, even the rest of the disciples and take the Staff of Ages by force if you really wanted to.”

“That is the truth,” Bohai said.

“So why are you running way instead of doing just that?” Junjie asked.

“Bah,” Bohai said as he walked onward. “Drivel.”

Junjie remained in place but shouted after his longtime friend. “Because you love us, Bohai!”

Bohai waved his hand behind him as if he were trying to shoo away an annoying dog.

“One day you will wake up alone and regretful for abandoning your clan,” Junjie said.

“Nonsense!” Bohai cried.

“And when that day comes, I hope you will return!” Junjie shouted.

“Never!” Bohai replied.

“You know you will be welcome,” Junjie said.

“Don’t wait for me, imbecile,” Bohai said as he reached the gate.

Feeling defeated, Junjie turned and walked back to the temple.

A burly man wearing steel plated body armor and a helmet shouted down from the top of the wall.

“Behold and hear me, for I am Kang the Magnificent, Guardian of the Gate of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw. I have vanquished scores of evildoers in my day and all are well advised to stay on the good side of my humble nature. Bask in my…”

Bohai scoffed. “Kang. Come now. I’ve heard this litany a million times.”

“Then you shall hear it a million and one times!” Kang shouted. “Bask in my glory and recognize that I will not be swayed in my duty to protect the walls that keep my illustrious clan safe. Identify yourself immediately!”

“Are you kidding me?” Bohai asked. “We’ve known each other for years.”

“You will identify yourself or be turned away,” Kang said.

Bohai sighed. “Bohai.”

“Hmm,” Kang said. “Yes. You do appear to be Bohai.”

“Right,” Bohai said. “Let’s move this along.”

“State your business for approaching the gate,” Kang said.

“To locate the nearest brothel, where I will fornicate with your mother in exchange for my pocket change,” Bohai replied.

Kang looked to his left and right. Upon seeing that no one else was watching, the mighty gatekeeper broke character.

“Come on, man. I told you about my mother in confidence.”

“I approach the gates in order to abandon this clan,” Bohai said.

“Yeah, right,” Kang said.

“I do not lie,” Bohai said.

“Why would you want to do a dumb thing like that?” Kang asked.

“The Staff of Ages has been promised to Junjie, even though I am far more worthy,” Bohai answered.

“Oh,” Kang said. “Dick measuring contest. Say no more.”

Kang yanked a lever and a series of gears turned round and round, culminating in the iron gate opening.

Bohai stepped outside of the sanctuary’s walls.

“Is this a permanent thing or are you just going to hide in the woods until everyone comes crying to you and telling you they’re sorry and shit?” Kang asked.

“It is permanent,” Bohai said.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Kang replied.

“I am not,” Bohai said.

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