Hello 3.5 readers! Are you stuck in a horror movie and being chased by a fictional psychopath? (Then why are you reading this blog? RUN!)
But, if you have a minute while said psycho is taking a breather, then Bookshelf Q. Battler is here with the top ten helpful tips to get you through this Friday the 13th, based on all of the horror movies I’ve seen:
10) Don’t go upstairs. Only go upstairs if there is no other direction to go in. If you can go out of the house, then go out of the house. Really, what do you think will happen when you get upstairs? The killer just corners you because the only way out of the house when you are upstairs is via a fatal drop to the ground.
9) Don’t be rude. In horror movies, rude people tend to buy the farm in epic ways that make the audience feel a great catharsis. At least one person watching the film will shout out, “Oh my God I’m glad that guy’s dead!”
8) Don’t choose this particular time to confess your love to someone. Yes, they’ll be so glad that you finally made a move after waiting so long. And yes, an overly ironic writer will take great delight in turning you into murderer fodder.
7) Skinny dipping. Don’t do it. Night. Naked. Stuck in the water. You’re a sitting duck. And honestly, have you looked in a mirror lately? You shouldn’t be skinny dipping anyway. (That’s just a joke. My 3.5 readers are all supermodels).
6) Don’t tempt fate. Has an old gypsy woman told you that if you say a magic phrase while rubbing an ancient talisman, a murderer will come to life and murder everyone? Well, here’s a thought then, STOP RUBBING THE TALISMAN!!! Why let curiosity get the better of you? Whenever someone warns you against doing something, don’t do it!
5) Trip and fall while running. WTF? Seriously, you pick now to be a klutz? Steady those feet, there’s a madman on the loose!
4) Get separated from the group. I don’t care how badly your friends stink. This is not the time to be a loner.
3) Perform routine maintenance on your car. Cars have a tendency to quit whenever a bloodthirsty fiend is on a rampage. Get your car inspected. Check your tire pressure. Change your oil. Get your battery checked. Take your ride to a competent mechanic once in awhile to make sure everything is in order. Honestly, murderous fiend or no, you should be doing all this stuff anyway. You don’t want to get stranded on the side of the road, do you?
2) DON’T ASSUME THE KILLER IS DEAD. This is literally the main horror movie trope that gets me worked up every time. The murderer is clearly a massive, hulking juggernaut of a beast. The protagonist of the film gives him a little tap with a stick or something and assumes the murderer is a goner.
NO! Assume nothing! Drop a grenade in his pants! Set him on fire! Shoot him twenty times in various places! Go to town on him with a ginsu knife! Dance the Texas Two-Step on his face!
(NOTE: Bookshelf Battle does not condone violence and this discussion is for fictional purposes only. You never know, one of my 3.5 readers might be a greedy corrupt lawyer).
1) DON’T GO IN THERE! Hey, you! Yeah, you. The guy going in there. Stop going in there! Can’t you hear everyone in the theater telling you to NOT go in there!
Thank you, Bookshelf Battle Readers. Happy Friday the 13th. I must now return to the basement, where the Yeti is holding me captive, yet somehow I manage to blog whenever he’s not looking, because he’s kind of stupid.
Follow me on twitter to help me escape unjust Yeti occupation and don’t forget, Alien Jones is taking your questions until midnight Friday night.
Did I miss your favorite horror movie trope? Add it in the comments.