THE YETI: Hello, insignificant 3.5 readers. Perhaps given the mild success of #ReplaceSongLyricWithYeti you may have developed the foolish notion that BQB and I have, how you say, “buried the hatchet.” LIES! Bookshelf Q. Battler is my mortal enemy and I will never relinquish control of his Headquarters!
Further, I will now embarrass him by sharing the transcript of a tape I found hidden in his closet.
Yes, the rumors are true. Bookshelf Q. Battler was once in a boy band.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to another edition of True Music Stories. The year was 1999. The band? A duo of dudes who called themselves, “The Funky Hunks.” From their meteoric rise to their stupendous downfall, we’ll peel back the curtain and see it all.
BQB: What can I say? We were young with stars in our eyes and wanted to be famous.
ANNOUNCER: A year before the dawn of the new millennium, Bookshelf Q. Battler and his long time friend, Bernie Plotznik took the stage of the Greater Randomtown Learning Center Annex and made their debut performance.
CUT TO: Shaky hand shot camcorder footage stamped March 1999. Bookshelf and Bernie on stage – three old people in the crowd watching. BQB wearing a backwards hat, shades, a golden clock on a chain around his neck. Bernie wears a track suit with a backwards Kangol hat.
BQB: Yo yo yo, I’m Read N. Plenty!
BERNIE: And I’m MC Plotz!
BQB AND BERNIE TOGETHER: AND WE ARE THE FUNKY HUNKS!
(An old woman raises her hand).
BQB: Um, we’re not really taking questions but ok, what is it?
OLD LADY: Is this Swan Lake? I thought this was my granddaughter’s dance recital.
BQB: That’s tomorrow night, lady.
ANNOUNCER (VOICEOVER): And with that, the Funky Hunks introduced themselves to the world with their first song, “Be Nice and Stuff” off their debut album, “Non-Threatening White Boys.”
BE NICE AND STUFF
By: The Funky Hunks
Yo. 1999. It’s singin’ time!
Let’s kick it!
Funky Hunks are on the scene,
Always polite and never mean!
Brush your teeth and say your prayers,
Ladies at dinner? Pull out their chairs!
Funky Hunks, don’t disrespect!
Or a stern rebuke, is what you can expect!
Carry an umbrella, in case there’s sleet!
Look both ways before crossin’ the street!
Funky hunks, we’re on a mission.
Tellin’ you to turn off the television.
Read a book.
Grab a friend, and a casserole you’ll cook!
Give that food to a homeless man!
Then sing a funky hunk jam!
‘Cuz you know deep down in your heart
Doin’ good is where to start!
Ugh…ugh…yeah….break it down…
(The Funky Hunks drop their mics, fold their arms, and desperately await the critics’ incoming reviews).
OLD LADY: Um, it was ok, I guess?
ANNOUNCER: On a whim, the dudes dubbed copies of their performance and sent them to every Hollywood producer listed in the phonebook. Um, kids, do you know what a phonebook is? Before the Internet got really popular and allowed everyone to know everything at any time, people had these big yellow books that had everybody’s phone numbers and addresses printed in them? I know. It sounds tedious.
REUBEN TORKILSEN, BIG TIME MUSIC AGENT: I get this horribly produced tape in the mail. Two of the flabbiest, pudgiest, dorkiest white kids I’ve ever seen. I mean, they look like they’ve never lifted a dumbbell in their lives and yet here they are calling themselves “The Funky Hunks.”
BQB: Yeah, we were pretty ripped back in the day.
REUBEN: And their rap – all about “helping people” and “doing good deeds” and so on. But then it dawns on me. These guys are being facetious! They’re a couple of youngsters poking fun at what “the Man” thinks they should be doing!
BQB: We were totally serious.
BERNIE: I would bake a casserole big enough to feed the entire world if I could.
ANNOUNCER: Reuben signed the boys instantly and flew them out to Hollywood…with two coach class tickets…the cost of which they were required to reimburse. As it turns out, Reuben was the cover boy of Sucky Hollywood Agents Magazine every month.
(Cut to grainy security camera footage of Reuben’s office)
REUBEN: Boys, so nice to meet you! Do you know the big celebrity I’m going to introduce you to?
BQB and BERNIE look excited.
REUBEN: No, seriously. Do you know any celebrities? Any celebrities at all? Because I hear that knowing a celebrity could help in this town.
ANNOUNCER: And so the Funky Hunks began their new life in Hollywood. First on their agenda? They needed a third hunk to turn their duo into a trio…
TOMMORROW ON TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORIES: THE FUNKY HUNKS HOLD AUDITIONS!