Tag Archives: songs

Top Ten Songs of 1991

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Hey 3.5 readers.

I’m DJ BQB and I’m spinning the greatest hits of 1991, but it will have to be in your mind because this is a blog post.  Better yet, go out and stream some of these hits and transport yourself to the days when Bush the Elder was president.  Wow, so much time has gone by.

#10 – Enter Sandman – Metallica

“Hush little baby, don’t say a word.  And never mind that noise you heard.”

Gotta say, by today’s standards, there’s something creepy about grown ass metal rockers warning a theoretical little kid listener about all the evils that will come for them when they go to sleep but then again, I suppose this song is maybe a metaphor about how bad things happen just when you think life is going your way…I think.  Who knows?

It’s fun to rock out to though.

#9 – Give It Away – Red Hot Chili Peppers 

What you got you gotta give it to your mama, your papa…I don’t know.  Nonsense words, really.  But if there’s a better band of shirtless Californians with long hippy hair, I’ve yet to see it.

#8 – Motownphilly – Boyz II Men

These dudes had skills.  They made that “I’ll Make Love to You” song that serves as a soundtrack for many risque encounters and they did that “End of the Road” song which you need to play when one of your homeboys dies.  So they wrote the soundtrack for death and sex if you think about it.

PS – I’ll be honest they may have had bigger hits than Motownphilly I’m just not sure when they came out so if they had a bigger hit that came out in 1991, my bad.

#7 – Losing My Religion – R.E.M.

I’ve been a humorist my entire life, ever since I popped out of my mother’s snootch with a pair of Groucho glasses on.  Ergo, it’s hard for me to not think of history in terms of jokes what were popular at the time.  Thinking about this song reminds me of that inevitable joke that people busted on it, i.e. you’d make fun of it by just saying “That’s me in some place” like “That’s me in the taco stand…that’s me in the parking lot….that’s me in the grocery store….that’s me in the laundromat.”

#6 – Shiny Happy People – R.E.M.

I’ll give them another one, though Boyz II Men should probably get more spots on this list too.  At any rate, the 1990s were a time of peace and prosperity.  WWII was long over.  The Soviet Union was on the way out.  There weren’t any wars on the horizon.  For a brief, flickering moment it looked like America would be able to come together and enjoy some stability…and act like shiny happy people holding hands…finally.

Think we’ll ever get there again, 3.5 readers?

#5 – O.P.P. – Naughty By Nature

Want to know how woke the world has become since the early 1990s, 3.5 readers?

At the time, the big complaint about this song was that people should never steal someone else’s pussy.

Today, the complaint is the backward notion that a pussy could belong to anyone other than she to whom it is attached.

#4 – Good Vibrations – Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch

I was just a kid at the time but even then had you told me that the guy who sings this song would one day become an Oscar level actor, I would have not believed you.

#3 – Something to Talk About – Bonnie Raitt

TRANSLATION OF THIS SONG – If people are accusing us of humping anyway, then we should just go ahead and hump.

Therefore, by the transitive property, Bonnie Raitt is a fan of humping.  Who isn’t though?

#2 – I Wanna Sex You Up – Color Me Badd

Who doesn’t?

#1 – Smells Like Teen Spirit – Nirvana

The song and/or accompanying album that changed the music world as well as the rock genre.  Rock no longer had to be fun, funky, or even campy.  It could be depressed.

Earlier I mentioned the 1990s were good times.  Unfortunately, it’s just human nature for people to be unhappy when there isn’t conflict.  You had the old people bitching and moaning about how tough they had it and how that strife made them better people, but now old the young people had grown soft.  Yup, we’re soft, so I guess we’ll just rock out to our ennui.

HONORABLE MENTION:

Paula Abdul came out with another album with songs like, “Rush, Rush” this year.  It was good, but her best stuff was in the 1980s.

DISHONORABLE MENTION:

Michael Jackson had a comeback album with songs like “Black and White” that are still memorable today, though given the recent Showtime documentary, I think Michael’s days of being remembered in any kind of fond light are over.

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A Rap About the $1.08 I Made Selling Books on Amazon

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Aw yeah.  Aw yeah.  Mic check one two one two.

Base check three four three four.

Treble check five six five six.

Sound check seven eight…seven eight…seven eight.  Don’t hate the playa cuz he got a dollar eight.

Slingin’ grape pop rocks on the corner, what oh what do I see?

A fly ass hunny rollin up on me.

“Hey baby, wanna go out on a date?”

“Sure thing ma’am, will you accept a dollar eight?”

Oh raise your hands in the air like you just don’t care if you know what I’m talkin’ about.

One hundred and eight cents can be yours if you have a big ass book sale blow out.

Yeah, some dude in Fiji, put down his Ouija, bought my book with money made from a squeegee.

He used it to wash a car, cuz with a dirty ass windshield it won’t get very far.

So now I got his dollar eight and I’m livin’ the gangsta ass life.

Everyday supermodels are fightin’ over who will get to be my wife.

But don’t try to clip my wings baby, cuz bein’ tied down is a terrible fate.

Me? I’d rather travel the world and pay all my expenses with a dollar eight.

Lovers gonna love and haters gonna hate.  That’s just the way it goes.

But ballers gonna ball and busters gonna bust.  Has anyone seen my hoes?

Dolla, dolla bill ‘yall.  Dolla, dolla bill indeed.

Some dude just rolled up on my ass.  Asked if I wanna buy a dollar eight bag of weed.

“Sir, that’s not the game I play.  So your ass better get to steppin.”

Yeah, the dollar eight lifestyle ain’t easy but it’s a life I’ll always be reppin.

Peace.

P.S. Buy my book, bitch:

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SJW Christmas Carols – Away in a Manger

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Away in a manger, no crib for a bed (because capitalism is the worst because the wealthiest 1 percent use the unwitting 99 percent as their pawns and socialism will totally work if we just give it one more try)…

The little Lord Jesus, laid down his, her, or possible xer’s head.  Whatever.  It’s way too early to box this child into a gender and Jesus will let us know what he, she, or xe is in time.

The stars in the sky, look down where he, she, or xe or any combination thereof because gender is fluid, lay.

The little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay, again, because when are we going to wake up and realize that capitalism is barbaric and only when government seizes control of all business interests will all children of indeterminate gender be allowed to sleep in the proper cribs they deserve.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Don’t Worry, Be Happy?

Hey 3.5 readers.

Do you think singer Bobby McFerrin was right when he advised the world, “Don’t worry, be happy?”

Sometimes I wonder if it is more appropriate to worry and also be unhappy.

Honestly, if you ain’t got no cash and ain’t got no style, ain’t got no girl to make you smile, then what the hell do you have to be happy about?

Discuss.

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A Love Letter Using Only 1990s Song Titles

Dearest Macarena,

One Sweet Day, I’ll need you to Hit Me Baby One More Time.  I’m Too Sexy, I Swear, and I’m not a Loser.  Is this the End of the Road?  No, and No Scrubs could ever be Killing You Softly with His Song.  Will we be Livin’ La Vida Loca?  You Can’t Touch This?  That’s cold as Ice, Ice, Baby.

 

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Angel of Death: The Jack Kevorkian Musical

SONG TITLE: The Angel of Death

(Dr. Jack Kevorkian, the notorious proponent of assisted suicide, hooks up a little old lady to a machine.  The machine is attached to a series of IV bags filled with deadly drugs.)

OLD LADY: Let me have it, doc!  I can’t take it anymore!

DR. KEVORKIAN: Don’t worry, ma’am.  In just a few minutes, you’ll be stone cold dead.

OLD LADY: Hooray!

(The police break in.)

KEVORKIAN: What’s the meaning of this?

(Everyone breaks into song.)

COP: Dr. Kevorkian, you’re an enemy of the state!

KEVORKIAN: Just wait!

COP: Dr. Kevorkian!  You’re killing people without a single care!

KEVORKIAN:  That’s not fair!

COP: Dr. Kevorkian, oh what, oh what will we do?  What will we ever do, with a dangerous reprobate such as you?

OLD LADY:  I’ll tell you what to do.  You should let this man go because he’s an angel…an angel of death.   Yes, he’s trying to kill me but that’s fine with me because I can no longer wait until my dying breath!  I’m filled with so much pain!

COP:  Lady, it’s just a sprain!

OLD LADY:  But it hurts to no end.

COP: Give it a day and you’ll be on the mend.

OLD LADY:  Who are you to say how much pain I’m required to comprehend?  This doctor is an angel…an angel of death!

COP:  This is chaos!  This is strange!  People deciding when to die is utterly deranged.  Sure you’re filled sorrow, but it might all turn around tomorrow, don’t you want to stick around and wait it out?

OLD LADY: No, I want to die, I’ve carefully thought it out!

COP: Ma’am, I doubt any of us are going to a better place.  Darkness is the only thing that we have to face.  Surely, if there’s more time for you in this world, you should seek it.

OLD LADY:  Meh! You can keep it.

COP: Kevorkian!  You’ve killed a bunch of old ladies, what do you have to say?

KEVORKIAN:  They’re all better off dead, if they were alive, they’d be suffering to day!  Oh diseases for which there are no cure, there’s only one thing left to do.  We’ll put down a dog, we’ll step on a frog, but a dying old person we’ll leave them for years to rot through and through….

COP:  I…I never thought I’d see it your way!  You’re an Angel of Death and you ease suffering and keep pain at bay.  Tell me doctor, will you kill my old mother without fail?

KEVORKIAN:  What makes her ail?

COP: The old bitch has a hang nail!

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Droppin’ Monsters (A Bookshelf Q. Battle Rap)

Oh my God, 3.5 readers.  Oh my God.

Sit all 3.5 of your butts down for this.

So, as you know, back in the day I was one half of the rap duo known as The Funky Hunks.  My partner MC Plotz and I were a hit with the late 1990s/early 2000s soccer moms what with our squeaky clean lyrics.

Alas, time moved on and my rhyme spinning days are long behind me, but my lyric writing game is still pretty sweet, so I found a rapper on artist who goes by the handle I_Will_Rap.  He’s got mad crazy skills and he’ll rap whatever you want for a reasonable price.

Anyway.  Without further ado, I present to you the debut of the new hit single, sure to take the hip hop world by storm and it’s so good that it may even unite East and West Coast rappers together in a new era of peace, love and understanding: Droppin’ Monsters.

DROPPIN’ MONSTERS (A Bookshelf Q. Battle Rap)

Lyrics by: Bookshelf Q. Battler

Beats Dropped and Rhymes Rapped by I_Will_Rap

Yo. 2017. Time to make the green.
Bookshelf Q. Battler droppin monsters like a bad habit.
Let’s do this thing. Time to get paid, ya dig?

You roll up to your crib and there’s a vampire inside.
Call on BQB to do the wooden stake slide.
But oh my god a zombie wants my brains!
Better get BQB to make it rain the pain.
What’s that in my yard? A chupacabra goat sucker?
BQB grab your nine, pop a cap in that mother (bleep).

When it comes to fighting evil, BQB is the best.
Forces of darkness don’t even try it, this is a nerd you do not want to test.

East Randomtown is the dope ass hood where this bespectacled pimp resides.
He’s chillin in his headquarters, the fly ass hunnies won’t be denied.
BQB is a badass monster hunter, you know that is a fact.
So if you’re a demon straight outta hell, he’ll put you on your back.

One day while BQB was writing,
On his blog called bookshelfbattle.com
There was a sound that was oh so frightening
So he said, “what’s going on?”
He ran downstairs to his living room and what oh what did he see?
A fat ass yeti sitting on his couch, eating his food and watching TV.

“I live in your house forever now,” the Yeti said.
“I’m taking over this fabulous place.”
But that idea filled BQB with dread
So he round house kicked the Yeti right in the face.

Yeah, BQB is droppin monsters.
Ghosts and goblins and werewolves too.
That nerd is gonna do a drive by.
On anything that dares to shout, “boo!”

But when BQB’s not dropping a monstrous reprobate,
He’s writing a dope ass story.
He’s gonna save the world from the Mighty Potentate,
And get his ass some glory.

So don’t forget to check bookshelfbattle.com
For news of BQB’s daring do.
And if you are a monster,
BQB is coming for you.

Damn. That was some sweet ass shit.
3.5 readers my ass. Bookshelf Q. Battler should have all the (bleep) readers.

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Toilet Gator – Network News One Transcript #1

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Network News One Transcript #1

(Open on Kurt Manley, stereotypically perfect looking news anchor, complete with square jaw, perfect hair and teeth).

KURT MANLEY: Witnesses on the scene reported that the Pope was heard to say, “That’s the last time I’ll go to Tijuana without a passport and a reach around. Coming up in the next hour, the ayatollah has released a series of photos of himself mooning a paper mache version of the president. Also, there’s a new report out in which seventeen out of twenty scientists claim that one of the breakfast cereals in your pantry might cause you to literally vomit out your entire spleen. We’ll tell you which cereal that is after sports and weather. But first, controversial pop star Countess Cucamonga is kicking off her highly anticipated comeback tour tonight. We take you live to Miami, where our local affiliate…Jesus…local affiliate…is that the best we could do?

(Local affiliate reporter Natalie Brock, an average looking brunette, appears on screen. She’s standing on the floor of a packed concert around, surrounded by screaming fans).

NATALIE BROCK: Good evening Kurt. I’m here at the Sunnyside Arena…

KURT MANLEY: Where’s Dan? Hey, Dan, we couldn’t have done better than a local affiliate reporter for this? Yeah…uh huh…sure but I mean, for Christ’s sake man, look at her tits. They’re A cups at best. Barely a handful.  Utterly useless.

(Natalie stares blankly at the camera).

KURT MANLEY: Oh right. Take it away Natalie.

NATALIE BROCK: Kurt, I’m coming to you from the Sunnyside Arena in downtown Miami, where fans have turned out in droves for Countess Cucamonga’s first concert since her arrest and subsequent hospitalization for moki fish huffing addiction. For those unaware, moki fish huffing is the latest celebrity addiction to hit Hollywood. An addict will spend upwards of three hundred thousand dollars to illegally important the rare, virtually extinct Japanese moki fish, spoon model airplane glue into the fish’s hind quarters, and then somehow the combination of the glue and fish pheromones creates a potent high that can be achieved by sniffing the glue filled fish’s anus.

KURT MANLEY: Don’t bore me with information I already know for…um…news reporting purposes and only news reporting purposes, Natalie.

NATALIE BROCK: Sorry Kurt.  Now, we’ve gotten word from Countess Cucamonga’s press agent that the Countess plans to debut a new song tonight, one that will showcase her range as a performer. According to the statement we’ve received, the Countess is tired of churning out the same old vulgar, sensationalized songs that capitalize on her ample posterior. Her time in rehab has given her perspective and now she wants to give back and do her part to bring about world peace.

KURT MANLEY: Aw, what the hell. I really love those butt songs. Countess Got Back. Cucamonga Crack. Twerk Dat Booty. Stuff Dem Jeans.

NATALIE BROCK: Indeed, Kurt. In fact, the Countess’ most famous single, Max Out My Extra Strength Stretch Pants, went quadruple platinum, but apparently the Countess has become a more civic minded entertainer now.

KURT MANLEY: Isn’t Countess Cucamonga’s posterior insured for three hundred million dollars?

NATALIE BROCK: There has been talk of that in the tabloids but I don’t believe anyone in the Countess’ entourage has ever given official confirmation. However, it is undeniable that Countess Cucamonga has one of the most infamous derrieres in show business.

(The lights dim. The crowd goes silent).

NATALIE BROCK: That’s our cue, Kurt. Let’s listen in as the Countess starts her new life as a world peace advocate.

(Countess Cucamonga, an insanely beautiful woman, flies over the crowd via wires attached to her body. She wears a pink wig and a sparkly gown. Her butt is enormous. She lands on stage. Smoke clouds burst and then dissipate, allowing her backup dancers to appear. The crowd goes wild. The Countess begins to sing a slow song.)

COUNTESS CUCAMONGA: War…famine…plague….destruction…death. So much can happen to take away our last breath…

(A giant globe depicting all of the continents is lowered behind the Countess. It spins slowly).

COUNTESS CUCAMONGA: Poverty…catastrophe…so much can come between you and me…

(Natalie appears on screen and whispers).

NATALIE BROCK: Looks like she really has turned over a new leaf, Kurt.

KURT MANLEY: Move your stupid head, Natalie. I’m trying to scope out the Countess’ turd cutter.

NATALIE BROCK: Sorry.

KURT MANLEY: Aww, who can see it through that long gown anyway.

(The Countess returns to screen).

COUNTESS CUCAMONGA: I’m here to tell you there’s a way that all this mayhem can cease. There is a road to international peace. The road is here, it is so clear, and the road to world peace runs through…

(The globe explodes, shooting confetti all over the crowd. A giant butt takes the globe’s place. The Countess rips off her dress, leaving her with nothing but a skimpy bikini and highly revealing panties printed with various world countries. Lights flash, the crowd cheers as the song picks up tempo…)

COUNTESS CUCAMONGA: …my butt!

(The Countess points her butt at the audience and twerks up a storm).

COUNTESS CUCAMONGA: Butt peace! It’s what the world needs now. Butt peace! You’ll drop your jaw and say, “Wow!” Butt peace! Drop your guns, stare at these buns. No time for war when your eyes are sore from staring at…

(The Countess slaps her right cheek).

COUNTESS CUCAMONGA: …my butt.

(Natalie Brock appears on screen).

NATALIE BROCK: Well, there you have it, Kurt. I’ve just received word that ‘Hashtag Butt Peace’ is trending on Lifebox and Butt Peace can be purchased through whichever music site you prefer to throw your money away on. There are also seven hundred online petitions demanding that Countess Cucamonga be named an official UN ambassador, thus allowing her to spread her message of butt related peace throughout the world.

(Kurt Manley appears on stage, grooving in his seat).

KURT MANLEY: Aw, yeah. Butt peace, baby! Woo! The Countess has done it again.

(Kurt stops dancing and ruffles through a stack of papers).

KURT MANLEY: That’ll do it for Natalie Brock, our Miami affiliate reporter and card carrying member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. Keep your TV locked on Network News One because in the next hour, we’re going to asking Congressman Hutchins why he supports HR4900, better known as the “Turn Every American’s Life into a Big Pile of Shit” Bill. But first, are there traces of rat poison in your toothpaste? Find out after this commercial break.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – What is Your Favorite Christmas Carol?

What is your favorite Christmas carol 3.5 readers?  I have to go with Jingle Bells.

Jingle Bells, the Yeti smells, my blog has laid an egg..

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