Daily Archives: April 22, 2015

Ask the Alien – 4/19/15

Hey 3.5,

Just a reminder ALIEN JONES is taking your questions and making the Earth a smarter place one answer at a time.

Bookshelf Battle

Previously on Ask the Alien:

Alien artifacts and diseases!

Pixels!

And now Ask the Alien continues…

Greetings Earth Losers.  The greatest and most humble mind of the universe, here to answer your questions and save you all from your own incompetence.

Sigil of House Jones

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  AJ!  It’s a real humdinger of a week here on Bookshelf Battle!  We have three, count ’em, a whopping 3 questions for you!

ALIEN JONES:  Holy Farzing Shazbo.  Have you been bribing winos off the street again?

BQB:  No!  They’re people!  Actual real people!

The first question this week comes from Mei-Mei of jedibyknight.com who asks:

“Lord Alien, love your house sigil/motto. Can you tell us about one of your distinguished ancestors of House Jones? Or one of the crazy ones, either way.”

Gadzooks.  That stupid sigil.  Who knew when I signed up to be a guest contributor for this blog I’d be required to participate…

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Movie Review – Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

It took the entertainment industry 32 years to get Luke Skywalker back on the big screen.  Paul Blart was back in 6.

Hollywood, we need to have a talk about your priorities.

Paul Blart:  Mall Cop 2 – S

I’m…I’m sorry everyone.

Let’s just put it all out there.  I’m sorry I lost 2 hours of my precious life on this movie.  You’re sorry you lost 5 minutes of yours reading this review.  We’re all sorry.  Let’s just try to get through this, ok?

For those who’ve never wasted their lives, Paul Blart is a mall cop played by Kevin James.  He takes his job seriously, maybe a bit too seriously.  That isn’t easy, as few, if any, have respect for the noble mall cop.

In the first film, Blart saved his mall from a group of highly trained criminals who took control of a shopping center in order to rob…um…the local branch bank.  Ummm….really?  For more criminal masterminds, wouldn’t robbing a mall branch bank be akin to knocking over a 7-11?  I mean, the idea that highly sophisticated ne’er-do-wells would put so much time and effort into…

Nope.  Nope.  Not going to question it.  Just going to sit back and watch.

This time Blart attends the security officer convention in Las Vegas, only to have his daughter kidnapped by art thieves who are really there mainly just as an excuse for Blart to crack the case with his patented “I’m incompetent but somehow I get things done anyway” style.

Here’s the hard part when it comes to busting on Paul Blart – the movie constantly busts on itself.  The folks behind the screen are fully aware they aren’t bringing you high-brow humor.

And it’s not like they tricked you into thinking you’re coming to see something sophisticated.  They didn’t package it as “Shakespeare’s Greatest Hits” to get you in the theater (would that have gotten you in the theater?) and then pull the rug from underneath you and show you Paul Blart.

It’s goofy.  It’s silly.  It isn’t raunchy, life a minute fun like the original Hangover.  When we’re talking about movies you can take the whole family to, Paul Blart is about as funny as it gets.

It has its moments.  Blart gets attacked by various animals.  Blart crosses between two casino rooftops on a zip line.

An attractive female hotel manager provides Blart with some assistance.  The dimwitted Blart mistakes this as a pass, and “shuts her down” with a longwinded speech about how he’s off the market.  She wasn’t buying in the first place, but as the movie progresses, the more he rejects her, the crazier about him she becomes until she’s madly in love with him.

I’m just going to throw it out there – I might try that trick myself.  Attention women of the world, I reject you.

It’s not the worst movie in the world.  It might be worth a rental.  I don’t think you need to rush out to see it at the theater.

Yeah.  I took that bullet for you.  I even wore a disguise so no one would recognize me coming out of Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2.  You’re welcome.

Status:  Unshelf worthy.  You might watch it once if you’ve got nothing better to do, but as the years go on, you won’t be feeling any sudden urges to return to the world of Blart.

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Where Are My Readers From? (Views by Country)

Bookshelf Q. Battler here.

My readers – they stoke the fires of the Bookshelf Battle Blog Machine, fueling the furnace of this humble blogger and inspiring me to be steadfast in delivering the latest news about books, movies, aliens, yes, and of course, my magic bookshelf.

Where are you all from?  Let’s take a look-see:

NOTE:  All figures below are for 2015 today)

#1 – USA – Coming in first place – The Americans!  From sea to shining sea, the Yanks are dominating the Bookshelf Battle scene with a whopping 6,262 views.  That’s almost as many times as I caught The Yeti using his Commodore 64 to checkout those Kim Kardashian photos.

#2 – United Kingdom – God Save The Queen!  The Brits come in second place, but at a mere 682.  Was it something we said, Brits?  Are you guys still feeling some sour grapes over that whole revolution thing?  Hell, if it’s any consolation we pay more taxes now than King Edward ever levied on us.  Hoisted on our own petard if you ask me.  Tax the crap out of our tea for all I care.  This blogger’s drink of choice is Diet Shasta Orange anyway.

Please don’t tax my Diet Shasta Orange.  I don’t want to throw all my orange soda into the harbor.  The fish will get gassy.

#3 – Canada – Oh Canada, our home and native land, true patriot love and something something something!  (Look, just be impressed that I knew that much.  We’re still trying to convince 75% percent of the population down here that you guys actually exist and aren’t just a bunch of magical wood sprites living in a fabled frozen land.)

The Canucks have viewed my site 335 times.  Frankly, I blame myself.  I need to do more to capture the Canadian market.  That’s why I’m diligently working on the following reviews of prominent Canadian Films:

  • Dude, Where’s My Moose?
  • The Maplenator
  • Hockey Man
  • Hockey Man 2 – High Stickin’
  • The Fast and The Polite

#4 – Australia – G’day Mates – The Aussies have viewed this site 249 times.  I was impressed until I realized they were all from this guy:

Koala

He’s been e-mailing non-stop, begging me to review his self-published book, Eucalyptus Leaves Are Delicious!

FURTHER ANALYSIS

It comes as no surprise that my four top countries for views are English speaking lands.  I welcome all viewers, but obviously, I’m limited in that I only speak English, Klingon, and Dothraki.

(New Zealand, I was a little disappointed with you guys – 81 views?  Seriously?  What, you guys are too busy watching all those Hobbit movies get filmed?  Get on the ball, NZ.

Of course, I welcome viewers from all across the globe.  Therefore, I’m working with Google Translate to reach out to viewers in Non-English speaking countries.

For example, the Germans viewed my site 101 times (20 more times than you, New Zealand, not that I’m trying to make you feel guilty or anything.

So allow me to translate some commonly used Bookshelf Battle speak for the Germans’ enjoyment.

ENGLISH:  Stupid Yeti!  Get in the basement!  You know you are only allowed to come upstairs on Thursday nights to watch Scandal!  Away with you!

GERMAN TRANSLATION: Dumme Yeti ! Holen Sie sich im Keller ! Sie wissen, Sie dürfen nur im Obergeschoss am Donnerstagabend gekommen, um Skandal zu sehen! Weg mit dir !

Wow.  That gave me chills.  Thanks Google Translate.  And let that be a lesson to you, Herr Yeti.

What about France?  Our French friends visited this site 49 times this year alone.

ENGLISH:  Alien Jones takes your questions and plugs your blogs!  Yes yes, I love croissants!

FRENCH TRANSLATION:  Alien Jones prend vos questions et fiches vos blogs ! Oui oui, je adore les croissants !

I adore the croissants too, Frenchies.  I really do.

Finally, the Japanese have viewed this site 17 times this year alone.

ENGLISH: The series finale of Dexter was awful! I can’t believe the protagonist became a lumberjack!

JAPANESE TRANSLATION: Dekusutā no shirīzu no fināre wa hidokatta! Watashi wa, shujinkō wa kikori ni natta nante shinjirarenai!

Oh wait.  Before that I should have issued a:

ENGLISH:  SPOILER ALERT!!!

JAPANESE TRANSLATION:  Supoirā keikoku!!!

Sorry about that, Japanese folk.

Thank you citizens of the world for taking in the greatness that is the Bookshelf Battle Blog, brought to you by Blogger-in-Chief Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Also, please allow me to apologize in advance if those translations were incorrect.  In no way did I intend to insult a) your honor b) your beliefs c) your culture or d) your lovely, lovely mothers.

As they say in Portuguese, the official language of Brazil, where my blog was viewed 141 times (still way more than you, New Zealand, just saying):

ENGLISH:  Join us tomorrow on Bookshelf Battle, where nothing can stop the one post a day challenge!

PORTUGUESE TRANSLATION: Junte-se a nós amanhã em Bookshelf Battle, onde nada pode parar a deixar um desafio do dia !

Koala graphic courtesy of a Creative Commons license via Flickr user Marc Dalmulder

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