Daily Archives: April 15, 2015

Ask The Alien – 4/12/15


Bloggers! Writers! Self publishers! My 3.5 readers can be yours!

Alien Jones, the most intelligent being in the cosmos, has chosen Bookshelf Battle as the vessel to spread intergalactic knowledge throughout Earth, considered to be the most primitive planet in the universe.

Help Alien Jones help us. Ask him a question and he might just promote your book, blog, project etc in his answer – his column comes out on Sundays on bookshelfbattle.com

Bookshelf Battle

ALIEN JONES:  I really don’t want to do this.

BQB:  Will you just shut up and put on your suit of armor and helmet?

ALIEN JONES:  No.  I hail from the most intelligent species in the universe.  We cured cancer, heart disease, and excessive gastrointestinal distress.  I’m not going to walk around like I’m in a damn Renaissance Faire.

BQB:  Please?  It’ll spike my readership from 3.5 to 10.12.

ALIEN JONES:  Sigh.  Fine.

Sigil of House Jones Sigil of House Jones

Verily, forsooth and so forth.  It is I, Lord Alien of House Jones.

ALIEN JONES:  Lord Alien of House Jones?  Seriously?

BQB:  Will you?  Please?  OK?  Seriously.

Sigh.  Fine.  Lord Alien of House Jones here, taking your questions in my ongoing effort to raise your planet out of its exceptionally stupid status.

Apologies that my column has been out of commission for a couple of weeks.  Luckily, my memory receptors have not forgotten…

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40 Billion Earth-like Planets in the Milky Way Alone

According to Yale Professor Meg Urry in a CNN column, “When Can We Talk to Aliens?” astronomers estimate that there may be as many as 40 billion habitable planets in the Milky Way Galaxy alone.

That’s not even taking other galaxies into consideration.

Space – it’s really friggin’ big.

Does this mean those planets have intelligent life on them?  We don’t know.  But Urry states:

Intelligent life that can communicate via radio waves with other intelligent life is less than 100 years old here on Earth.

So while planets that develop simple forms of life may be a dime a dozen, the number that have sentient beings with whom to converse — even assuming they evolved as humans did, with ears and spoken language, or eyes and written language — is likely to be tiny. And life that can use radio waves has existed on Earth for only 0.000002% of the planet’s history — 100 years out of 4.5 billion. If the half dozen or so rocky, Earth-like exoplanets now known are similar, the odds of discovering humanlike life on them are about the same as, well, winning your state lottery with one ticket.

Of course, if there are 40 billion Earth-like planets out there, the odds improve quite a bit. If they all have histories like the Earth’s, there might be 1,000 planets in the Milky Way that could support communicative beings.

– Meg Urry, “When Can We Talk to Aliens?”  CNN.  April 2015.

Let’s break this down.

40 billion habitable planets – and that’s just in our galaxy.  However, habitability does not automatically mean life exists, or that intelligent life exists.

On top of that, if intelligent beings are out there, they will have had to have evolved to the point where they know how to communicate via radio waves in order for us to communicate with them.  We’ve only figured that out in the past hundred years, the blink of an eye given the vast expanse of human history.

Take that concern into consideration – 1,000 planets that could possibly have beings as intelligent as we are (and let’s face it, Alien Jones loves to remind us that we’re not exactly setting the intelligence bar high)

My mind is blown.  True, we have no idea of truly knowing that which we cannot confirm with our eyes.

However, statistically speaking…40 billion habitable planets…1,000 planets that could have possibly had a species that evolved to the point where they can communicate with technology of some kind.

There very well may be an alien on another planet that is a bizarro version of me, writing a blog that is only read by 3.5 readers, including an alien version of my Aunt Gertrude.

Amazing.  Simply amazing.

If you’re reading this aliens, we come in peace.  Let us learn from one another in the spirit of unity and harmony.

Also, please don’t invade our planet and eat our faces.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  Alien Jones, why didn’t you tell me there might be 1,000 planets with beings as smart as we are?

ALIEN JONES:  Because they’re all smarter than you are.  1,000 planets and not one of them has reality television.  Zing.  Thank you.  I’m here all week.  Tip your waitresses.  Good night everybody.

Sigil of House Jones

Sigil of House Jones

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Game of Yetis – Part 3 – House Bookshelf

Previously on Game of Yetis:

PART 1 – House Bookshelf – Lord BQB hides out from the War for the Iron Throne, coming up with various excuses as to why he’s been unable to assist various claimants to the throne all the while positioning himself to declare allegiance to whoever emerges as the victor.  Alas, a complication in his plan arises when a band of Yetis under the control of Lord Yeti abscond with his supplies of snacks and Dew of the Mountain.

PART 2 – House Yeti –  Lord Yeti of House Yeti, the ruler of Yetifell, a territory North of the Wall, where abominable snowmen love to frolic because it is ridiculous cold, mocks his son Yetyrion, calling him a dwarf because he is 6’5″ (which is really short for a Yeti).

And now Game of Yetis continues…

When Joffrey took the head of his good friend Ned Stark, Lord Bookshelf Q. Battler didn’t cry a tear.

When his old roommate Theon Greyjoy (from that semester at Winterfell Tech) had his, um, appendage removed, Lord BQB chalked it up to “cost of doing royal business.”

When Lord BQB heard that the Stark family was butchered at the Red Wedding, his only comment was, “That must have made the chicken dance awkward.”

Whether Lord BQB was cold or if he’d just grown accustomed to life in a cold world is a question for the ages.  Needless to say, he was a lord who was not easily rattled.

But when Lord BQB saw his supply room bare and a band of filthy yetis running out the back door with his barrels of Dew of the Mountain, he bellowed a terrible scream that was heard all the way up to the wall, down as far as Dorne, and it even made its way across the Narrow Sea.

To this day, there are Dothraki who, during rare moments when they aren’t fornicating or beating each other senseless, ask, “What was that guy yelling about?”


“There there,”  Maester Monty said as he patted Lord BQB on the back.  “There will always be more Dew of the Mountain.”

Lord BQB sniffed and looked up at his trusted elderly confidant.  “But it was the Special Limited Edition Code Red Dew of the Mountain.”

“Oh my,”  Maester Monty said.  “That is a travesty, my Lord.”

Lord BQB stood up, withdrew his sword, waved it high in the air and proclaimed, “In the light of the Seven, I shall hack every Yeti I see to ribbons until I get my Dew of the Mountain back.”

“A tall order, my Lord,”  Maester Monty said.  “Yetis are fearsome beasts.”

“You’re right,”  Lord BQB said.  “We’ll need back up.  Send a raven across the Narrow Sea to that place where the Khaleesi gets all her Eunuchs.  What’s it called? ‘Eunuchs R Us?'”

“I’m afraid word has it that the Khaleesi had her dragons burn up the slavers who produced the Unsullied,”  Maester Monty said.

“Confound her hide!”  Lord BQB shouted.  “Isn’t that convenient?  She takes all the Eunuchs for herself, then burns up the Eunuch store so nobody else can have one!”

“Perhaps your banner men might assist you?”  the maester asked.

“Of course!  My banner men!  They are zealously loyal and will follow me to the gates of hell if I ask them!  Quickly!  To the barracks!”

Lord BQB and Maester Monty walked all the way to the living quarters of the Shelftopia banner men.  It was completely bare, save for the following note:

Dear Lord BQB:

We was only in it for the free Dew of the Mountain, we was.  Now that you ‘aint got any, we’s goin’ splitsville we is.


Your Ex-Bannermen

“Blast!”  Lord BQB said.  “You just can’t get good banner men these days!”

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