PREVIOUSLY ON POP CULTURE MYSTERIES…
PART 1 – Hatcher recalls old times.
PART 2 – Delilah pays our resident gumshoe a visit. She comes bearing gifts. (Actually, not really. BQB expects them to be returned with their original packaging intact.
PART 3 – A gentleman caller whisks Delilah off to a night at the opera. Hatcher wishes he could trade places with whoever this guy is.
PART 4 – Agnes the Librarian helps Hatcher with his technological illiteracy once again.
AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE…
I was dumbstruck. It felt like that feeling you get when you find out your wife has been two-timing you with every yokel from here to Papa New Guinea. It was a combination of anger and confusion and I wasn’t sure which one was winning out.
“What the hell happened?” I asked old Agnes as she closed the movie player gadget.
BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: I’d say, “SPOILER ALERT” but really, if you haven’t seen Star Wars yet, I scoff at your nerd credentials. Back to Jake.
“The rebels won,” Agnes said. “Luke destroyed the Death Star.”
“With one shot?” I asked. “Unlikely.”
One shot my oily hide. I lost count of all the Nazis I had to shoot before I made a dent in the Third Reich and this kid in his bathrobe does it in one try?
Sure, and if you believe that, I’ve got a bridge I’d like to sell you at a reasonable price. Goes all the way to Brooklyn.
“So does Luke get to make whoopie with that space princess or what?” I asked.
Agnes looked at me like I’d just grown a second head.
“You really don’t know much about the world, do you?” Agnes asked.
“Oh, let me guess,” I said. “He tells her to hit the bricks because he doesn’t like those big buns on her head, right? Some fellas can be so vain.”
“I think I’ll just let you find out on your own when you watch the next one,” Agnes said as she handed me a flyer.
It read:
INTRODUCTION TO COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY
Wednesdays at 10 am
Computer Room C
Learn the basics of personal computing. Word processing, information management, surfing the Internet and more.
Refreshments served.
Librarian Agnes Abernathy, Instructor
“What’s all this then?” I asked. “If you’re selling something, I already gave at the office, see?”
“It’s a free class,” Agnes said. “It’s mostly filled by seniors who’ve never seen a computer before. I have to say I’ve never seen someone your age with such a lack of technical knowledge. You’d be my youngest student ever but I think you’d really benefit.”
“Sorry sister,” I said. “School’s out for this palooka. ‘Less learnin,’ more earnin,’ as my old man used to say.”
“There’s a free sandwich platter.”
“Sold,” I said without hesitation.
I was never one to turn down free grub.
I made my way back to my office. The details of Han Solo’s encounter with Greedo were fresh in my mind.
I jotted it all down. Here are my notes along with crime scene recreations I produced using Mr. Battler’s toys, er I mean his research products:
1) Solo’s in the Mos Eisley Cantina. That old timer, Obi Wan Kadoobie Whatever describes it as: a “wretched hive of scum and villainy.” Kind of reminds me of Mugsy’s joint, the Gilded Lilly.
2) Greedo’s an ugly mug, a green alien of some kind. Big blank eyes and a pair of horns on his head that look like they should be attached to a kid’s bicycle. He ‘aint winning any beauty contests any time soon.
3) He’s also a bounty hunter. Seems Han did some smuggling for Jabba the Hutt, a space gangster. Dropped the goods when he spotted the space authorities and now he Jabba wants compensation, so much that he’s put a price on Han’s head. Let me tell you, 3.5 readers, if there’s one position you don’t want to be in, it’s owing money to an organized crime boss.
4) Greedo’s a bounty hunter and pulls a pistol on Han. Han tells the galoot he’s got Jabba’s money. Greedo tells him to hand it over and maybe he’ll forget he saw him. I suppose degenerates are the same everywhere, even in outer space. None of them can be trusted.
Greedo pulls a piece on Han.
5) Han pulls a fake-out. He looks up and to the left while reaching down for his pistol with his right hand. A shrewd move. As an ex-boxer, I’m more than familiar with the “fake-left, jab right” routine. Make your opponent think your mind’s elsewhere then strike in a way he’d never expect.
The Fake Out (I need to retake this photo with Han looking to his left but you get the gist.)
6) Greedo tells Han maybe Jabba will only take the Millenium Falcon (Han’s ship). Han’s reply? “Over my dead body.” I like this fella’s moxie. I had an old caddy I felt the same way about.
7) GREEDO: That’s the idea. I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time.
HAN: Yes, I bet you have.
8) Assumedly, Han pulls his shooting iron out at some point without the knowledge of his assailant. We never actually see this happen because there’s a table in the way. (We see him take the safety off, but we never actually see him take out the gun.)
My apologies. Mr. Battler was too cheap to spring for a doll house table. Assume Greedo can’t see Han’s piece, thus giving the rogue pilot the element of surprise.
9) Upon Han’s, “Yes, I bet you have.” There’s two blasts and some smoke and then the green man’s head hits the table. He’s stone cold dead.
Solo – 1, Greedo – 0
10) Han, tough guy that he is, stands up like nothing happened and walks out, pitching the barkeep some money as an apology for the corpse he left behind. Classy guy.
11) Just for kicks, I imagine what it would look like if Han gave Greedo a celebratory curb stomp:
Eat space boot, loser!
So, what did I learn from all this?
As often happens in real life when shit goes down, the Han vs. Greedo encounter was over and done with in the blink of an eye. Both shots were fired so fast that this investigator was left clueless.
Alas, after viewing the source material and conducting my own crime scene recreation exercise, I was no closer to blowing the lid off this can of worms than I was before I started.
I’d have to review what the experts had to say.
What are the major Han vs. Greedo theories? Next time on Pop Culture Mysteries.
Copyright (c) 2015 Bookshelf Q. Battler. All Rights Reserved.
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