Bookshelf Battle

Oh what the hell, I’ll just toss it all out there and you tell me what you think:

Part 1

• Hatcher displays heroic punching skills in North Africa and Major Roundtree wants to know how he learned to punch

Part 2 – December 1941

• Back to late 1930s where Hatcher moves to LA, fails as an actor, becomes a prize fighter known as The Jersey Jabber and is really good
• But Mugsy McGillicuddy forces Hatcher to take dive after dive in favor of fighters he backs, threatening to hurt Hatcher’s girlfriend, up and coming singer Peaches LeMay if he doesn’t go along
• Peaches doesnt know whats going on and dumps Hatcher, thinking he’s a bum for not standing up to Mugsy
• Hatcher after going from “The Jersey Jabber” to “Take a Dive Dan” gets pissed, stands up for himself, beats the ever loving crap out of Mugsy’s fighter.
• On the run from Mugsy, Hatcher hides out in a club run by Step Aside Clyde, Peaches’ Manager in the music game.
• There’s been a rivalry between Hatcher and Clyde over Peaches’ affections.  Hatcher tells Clyde he has his blessing but he goofed and he needs to go on the lam and Clyde needs to protect Peaches from Mugsy retribution
• In his car, Hatcher hears FDR’s “Day of Infamy” speech, decides Mugsy won’t be able to get him if he enlists in the Army.

Part 3

1944 – Before DDay – England

• General George S. Patton, who swears early and often in outrageous and hilarious ways, not because I’d write him that way but because that’s historically how he was, demands three US soldiers, each having displayed expert punching skills in the field of battle, be brought to him.
• Patton demands each soldier punch him in the face.
• Soldier 1 does.  Nothing.  Patton calls him a girl.
• Same with 2.
• Hatcher knocks Patton off his feet.
• Thus Patton selects Hatcher for a special mission.

Part 4 – Laying Out Operation Fuhererpunschen – April 1945

• There is a secret meeting with only:  Hatcher, Patton, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, and the cunning/ruthless Agent Carmichael, who is in the process of starting the CIA and is essentially one of the US’ early intelligence agents.
• A mole in Hitler’s operation has informed Carmichael that due to previous assasination attempts, Hitler is hiding in a bunker.
• For security purposes, Hitler is the only one allowed to have a gun in this bunker.  No one, not even his closest associates, are allowed to be armed in the bunker.
• Thus if no weapons are allowed, the only way to take out Hitler is to infiltrate the bunker and punch Hitler in the face.
• Patton, who historically lead the US Tank operations, agrees to secure a German Panzer tank in battle.
• Hatcher, Sam, Larry, and Dag will don Nazi uniforms.
• Agent Carmichael’s mole, Fraulein (no last name yet) super hot German chick is a trusted Nazi secretary and will ride into Berlin with Hatcher’s tank crew
• They will bring Joseph Tsang (who we know later becomes Ms. Tsang’s father, Hatcher’s present day landlord)
• Tsang will pose as an emmisary of Japanese Emperor Hirohito, delivering a special message for Hitler’s eyes only.
• Tsang objects to being forced into this mission because he’s Chinese, not Japanese.  Patton, being super racist, says close enough.
• Fraulein will vouch for the crew to actual Nazis and because she is so trusted, will be able to gain access to Hitler’s bunker for them.

Part 5 – The Operation Itself

• Once in Hitler’s bunker:
• Hatcher must punch various Nazis, each selected to guard Hitler based on their own high level of punching skills.
• Carmichael has explained that Hitler must be taken alive so that he can be studied to determine why he is so evil so that future evil world leaders can be identified and eliminated.
• However, the Russians have sent their own puncher.  Hatcher must not only punch various punching Nazis but also the aptly nicknamed Comrade Clobberitsky, sent by Stalin to punch and kidnap Hitler so the Russians can study him not to bring good to the world, but so that they can learn how to be more evil.
• I haven’t decided if Fraulein No Name doublecrosses Hatcher or not but either way Hatcher will totally get all up in that.

Part 6 – The Aftermath

• Hatcher delivers a knocked out and thoroughly punched Hitler to Carmichael and Patton.
• However, when Hatcher punched Hitler, he did so with such furious force that Hitler’s oddball mustache got stuck to Hatcher’s fist.
• Hatcher keeps the stache, thinking it will come in handy.
• Turns out it does.
• Historically, FDR died of natural causes in early April 1945, sadly just a couple weeks shy of seeing Berlin fall in late April.
• Historically, Hitler commited suicide in later April rather than be captured.
• However, this novel argues that the suicide was just a story to cover up that Hitler was, in fact, punched, kidnapped, and taken to a lab to be studied.
• Historically, Patton died in a car accident in Germany in December 1945 while overseeing the post-war occupation efforts.
• The novel will claim that Agent Carmichael went off the rails and wrongly feared Hatcher might talk publicly.
• Hatcher and his team are falsely imprisoned in Germany.
• FDR and Patton, the only ones who know of the mission, are outraged by Carmichael’s chicanery and attempt to have Hatcher freed.
• Carmichael has grown too big for his britches.  He has FDR and Patton assassinated and covers it all up (this is just fictional, of course).
• Hatcher and team stage a daring breakout from the German prison.
• In a final showdown, Hatcher informs Carmichael he’s stashed Hitler’s mustache and will reveal it to the world as proof that Hitler’s not really dead, that Carmichael must back off and allow him to live a normal life.

This sets the stage for a third novel in which Carmichael arrives in present day 2015 (probably damn 2016 or 2017 by the time I get to it) and squares off against Hatcher in an epic fight over Hitler’s mustache.

I realize this is a delicate dance.  Handled badly, it could be horribly offensive.  Handled well, it could be fun.

I submit that if Abraham Lincoln can be a vampire hunter, then Hatcher can punch Hitler in the face.

Surely there would be a BQB note at the end informing people it’s all tongue and cheek and they should not believe this happened because, you know, people are dumb now and believe anything.

OK 3.5 readers, does this suck or not?  Let me have it.

Copyright Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015  All Rights Reserved