Daily Archives: July 15, 2015

Authors: Share your books/links here!

Author Brittney Sahin offers authors the chance to share links to their books, blogs, etc.

As a believer in self publishing karma (help others enough and the help will come back to you when you need it), I think this is a great idea.

brittneysahin

Authors: Advertise here!think-you-dont-like-romance-novels-ftr

Twice a month I would like to have fellow authors share their WIP or their current works for sale. I invite everyone to post links to their personal websites, other social accounts, or advertise a link to BUY. Both traditional and indie authors are welcome to post. Use this space to BRAG about what you are working on – or what you have published! Be proud of your hard-work & not embarrassed to self-promote!

Wouldn’t it be great if we could all give up our day jobs (if you haven’t already) – and do what we were born to do? WRITE. Let’s help each other out.

  • If you are a blogger/writer without a work for sale – still join in (advertise your blog)
  • I will post links to various social platforms for readers to discover your work. I will also be a customer! If I see something…

View original post 84 more words

Alien Jones on a Hot Streak

Alien Jones

Alien Jones

Bookshelf Q. Battler here to talk about my intergalactic correspondent, the one, the only, the pantsless Alien Jones.

The Esteemed Brainy One has been on a roll lately.

He of the Amazing Gray Matter has had a question from a different self published author to answer every Sunday for the past four weeks, and there’s already one in the cue for this Sunday.  That’ll make five weeks of AJ goodness.

On top of that, since his column began earlier this year, he has amassed quite an impressive list of author promos.

3.5 readers, I never asked to be the chosen one of an unnamed planet’s Supreme and Unquestioned Overlord.  When Alien Jones showed up at the Bookshelf Battle compound and informed me the Mighty Potentate had sent him on a mission to help me get my writing career off the ground, I was truly humbled.

Alien Jones’ Mission?

To:

A)  Answer questions from self-publishing authors in his “Ask the Alien Column.”

The Mighty Potentate, Supreme and Unquestionable Ruler of a Planet the Name of Which is None of Your Beeswax

The Mighty Potentate, Supreme and Unquestionable Ruler of a Planet the Name of Which is None of Your Beeswax

This mission stems largely from the Mighty Potentate’s utter disgust with Earth’s reality television and a fear that these horrid shows will one day permeate the airwaves of every television in the universe (including the Potentate’s home planet) if more fiction and/or scripted media is not produced to stem the tide.

Thus, by enlisting Alien Jones to write for my blog, the Mighty Potentate hopes:

B)  Earthlings will read his answers and become smarter.  Increased intelligence=increased aversion to shows about models deciding which handbag to buy, or which billionaire to marry, or dudes running pawn shops, or catching fish, or pawning their fish.

Here’s a chicken vs. the egg scenario: Does reality tv make Earthlings dumber or do we produce and consume so much reality TV because we’re so dumb in the first place?

(We may think we’re smart but we’re comparatively dumb compared to the highly accomplished aliens of Alien Jones’ homeworld, the name of which the Mighty Potentate refuses to publicize out of a fear that Hollywood suits will invest in and unlock the secrets of interspace travel so as to deliver shows about Kim Kardashian throughout the cosmos.)

C)  Alien Jones’ witty commentaries will bring more eyes on my work, thus attracting Hollywood suits to turn my ideas into movies and TV shows, thus reducing air time for reality TV.

D)  AJ’s promos of other self-published authors will also help promote more fiction and veer the public’s attention away from reality TV.

REALITY TELEVISION SHOWS THAT MOST OFFEND THE MIGHTY POTENTATE

1)  So You Want to Be an Emu Farmer?

2)  Schmuck House (Twelve people of various backgrounds live together in a house for a year and compete to be the biggest schmuck)

3)  Hot Women Go Shopping and Carry Purse Dogs and You Really Want to Marry Them Until They Start Talking

4)  Body Odor Wars

5)  Cactus Trimmers

6)  Hoarders vs. Preppers

7)  Hoarders vs. Preppers vs. Zombies

8)  Hot Dog Stand Intervention (A world renowned hot dog cooking expert travels the world helping hot dog cart vendors upgrade and pimp out their hot dog carts)

9)  Rabid Badger Island (10 idiots are dropped off on an island with a rabid badger.  Who will survive?  Who will be eaten by a rabid badger?  Alliances will be made and loyalties tested.)

10)  Mr. Outdoorsman – (This week, Mr. Outdoorsman survives in the wild for three weeks drinking his own fluids and consuming nothing but bugs and grass only to realize he’s not lost, he was in his own back yard the entire time and his house is five feet away).

Is there a point to this post?

Yes.

If you’re a self-published author, be a sport and ask Alien Jones a question.  He’ll come up with a witty answer, promo your book, your author blog, page, etc.

In addition to being promo’d on bookshelfbattle.com, BQB always tweets a link to AJ’s column on Twitter, and posts a link on his Bookshelf Battle Google Plus page.

Do you have anything to lose?  Not really.  If you decide you despise Alien Jones’ promo of your work, no problem.  Just bring it to BQB’s attention and AJ’s promo of your work will be vaporized.

That hasn’t been a problem yet though.  Every author so far has been pretty pleased.

I’d love it if this could become a thing, like getting parodied on SNL, you know you’ve made it in the self publishing racquet if the little green guy answers your question.

What can your question be about?  Anything.  Some people get elaborate.  Some make it simple.  You can be funny and witty or serious, whatever.  Several authors have picked subject matters that are discussed in their books but that’s up to you.

Think of it this way.  One day when your book sells a million copies, Jimmy Fallon will demand you come on the Tonight Show and do an outrageous bit with him.  Asking the Alien a question is like practice for your big day.

Needless to say, the Esteemed Brainy One always reserves the right to NOT answer your question or NOT promo you.  It hasn’t happened yet but, you know, if your book’s called “Hooray for Hitler!” we’re going to take a pass.

As always, thanks for reading 3.5 readers.

Let’s keep this Alien Jones hot streak going.

Sincerely,

Bookshelf Q. Battler, World Renowned Poindexter, Reviewer of Books, Movies, and Assorted Cultural Happenings, Champion Yeti Fighter and Blogger-in-Chief for the Bookshelf Battle Blog

Green alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

Gray alien image courtesy of openclipart.org

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Pop Culture Mysteries: The Wrong Guy – Part 10

Previously on Pop Culture Mysteries…

And now the Pop Culture Mysteries continue…

The Cotton Candy Alligator.  What a place.

shutterstock_71510056

I’m not sure if crabs are airborne, but I felt itchy as soon as I walked through the double-doors.

The scent of body sweat and cheap perfume wafted up my nostrils as I was unceremoniously greeted by a bouncer who looked like a gorilla stuffed into an off-the-rack suit.

“Twenty bucks.”

Inflation’s a bitch.  In my day, you could oggle exotic dancers for less than what you people pay for coffee today.

I wanted to debate the point with the goon, but he didn’t appear to be the talkative type.

I retrieved an Andrew Jackson portrait out of Karen’s envelope and handed it over.  The mug lifted up the rope and let me in.

What a scene.  The room was lousy with tawdry, painted-up hussies and assorted deviants who preferred to pay women for their time rather than earn it through their wit and charm.

That’s not my style.  If I can’t earn a woman’s time through my wit and charm then I’d just rather be alone.

Coincidentally, I spent a lot of time alone.

It was interesting to mingle with twenty-first century folk.

“What can I get you honey?”

The barkeep was a real bodacious bimbo, face like a movie star and yet a pair of bosoms that looked like they’d been pilfered from a watermelon patch.

Breast enhancement surgery.  Nose reduction surgery.  All kinds of plastic surgery.

One of the more shocking parts of modern life for me was realizing that everyone and their mother was doling out their hard-earned cash to disreputable quacks to tinker with what God gave them.

Take what you were born with and do your best, I always say.

And I know that’s easy for me to say because, hell, I’m more handsome than Cary Grant on his best day, but still.  It just seems to me that society has devolved into a bunch of people who are preoccupied with what other people think of them, but never bother to just flat out talk to anyone anymore.

The art of “getting to know you” is dead.  Long live the age where you’re just another nameless face and if you can’t impress anyone within the first five minutes, you might as well get comfortable on the pine, because you’re going to be riding it the rest of your life.

“Nothing for me, doll.  Trying to keep my head clear.”

“There’s a two drink minimum.”

Another snow job.

“Well, I suppose if you’re going to twist my arm, sweetheart, I’ll take a whiskey straight up.”

Whatever happened to the lost art of conversation?  Barkeeps used to talk your ear off and you’d just keep buying drinks to keep the conversation going.  Everything’s so contrived now.

Suddenly, there was an uninvited posterior in my lap.  It was attached to a gal with pink hair and a skimpy red dress that barely covered her derriere.

“Hi there,”  she said in the worst attempt at a sultry voice I’d ever heard.  “My name’s Sinnamon.”

“Hello.”

“It’s spelled with an, “S” because I’m so sinful,”  the broad whispered into my ear.

“Darlin,’ if you have to explain it, it’s not that clever.”

The barkeep returned with my shot.

“6.50.”

Mother of God.  I forked over a ten-spot.  Karen’s envelope was getting lighter and lighter.

“Thanks for the tip baby,”  the bartender said.

I’d expected change but whatever.  If there’s one lesson I’ve learned from three marriages, it’s that arguing with a woman is pointless.

“What’s your name?”  Sinnamon asked.

“Huh?”

I wasn’t paying attention.  I was surveying the scene trying to see if I could figure out who Karen was.

Myron the self-proclaimed Rastafarian said that Craig shacked up with a working girl named Karen.

Lou had an envelope of cash with Karen’s name on it.

Dollars to donuts both Karens were the same dame.

“Your name, honey?”  Sinnamon asked as she stared at me through a pair of big brown eyes.

I suppose most men would find that enchanting, maybe even endearing, but I was immune to feminine wiles.  That tends to happen when your first wife cheats on you with your partner and your second wife shoots you six times and leaves you for dead so she can run off with your rotten, good for nothing brother.

Women just didn’t have the power over me that they used to.  At least most women didn’t.  A classy dame like Delilah could ask me to hurl myself into the Grand Canyon and the only thing I’d ask her if I should do a back flip or a swan dive.

“Peter Lorrie,”  I said.  “I’m an actor.”

“You are?!”

Wow.  It was easy to pull that broad’s leg.

“Yes.  I always play the bad guy.  You might not recognize me as I just got eyeball reduction surgery.”

“Do you want to read my screenplay?”  Sinnamon asked as she hopped off my lap.  “It’s in my locker.  Hold on I’ll get it for you!”

A hazard of living in LA – every yahoo within the city limits has a screenplay they’re pushing.  And when I say “everybody,” I mean everybody.  The bus driver, the barber, the waitress at the diner, the kid that fetches your burger at the drive-thru, the guy that holds the door open for you when you visit a fancy building – everyone of them is trying to break into the business.

On any given day, a visitor to the City of Angels is in danger of having approximately sixty-five screenplays thrust upon him.

“No,”  I said as I downed my shot.  “No, no.  That’s ok doll.”

“Are you sure?”  Sinnamon asked.  “It’ll just take a minute.”

“Yeah,”  I said.  “I’ve been outta’ the business for awhile and I’d rather you wait and find someone who can give your story some extra oomph.  Surely a lady of your obvious talent deserves nothing less.”

Sinnamon put her hand on my shoulder.  A little tear popped out of her eye.

“That’s literally the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me in here.”

“Then I feel sorry for you.”

She was back on the lap.  I get most men like that but all I could think about was how many other laps she’d sat on that day and how many lap-to-butt germs was she dropping off onto my lap.  I’d have to ask Ms. Tsang to starch my trousers as soon as I got home.

“I like you, Peter.”

“Can’t say as I blame you.”

“You know I don’t tell many guys this but my real name is Ferrari.”

Ferrari.  They had those in my day too.  Fast cars but everyone wants to drive them and dump them as soon as they get the gas bill. Like a mini-van that gets you from point a to point b, I preferred my women to be dependable and reliable.

“Listen sister,”  I said.  “This aint’ my first go-round in a jiggle joint.”

“Excuse me?”

“There’s no excuse for you,”  I said.  “You think I just fell off the turnip truck?  That ‘tell a guy a first fake name then tell him a second fake name is your real name’ is the oldest trick in the book, see?  Designed solely for the purposes of extracting dinero from the pockets of mouth breathing slobs you dames dupe into thinking you give a damn about them.”

“Well,”  Sinnamon/Ferrari said as she tickled my arm gently and batted her eyelashes.  “Did it work?”

“Nope.”

“So you don’t want to go to the champagne room?”

“The champagne room?  What the hell’s that?”

Sinnamon, oh what the hell, “Ferrari” whispered some naughtyness into my ear, the kind of foul language that would of made a nun blush.

“Really?”  I asked.

Ferrari nodded.

“How do you…”

She whispered the answer.

“With your…and your…on my?”

Another whisper.

“I’m no doctor but that seems rather unhygienic if you ask me.”

Whisper whisper.

“How much would that whole hullabaloo set a fella back?”

I only asked for curiosity purposes.  We private dicks are nothing if not inquisitive.

Ferrari whispered the price tag in my ear.

“Get out of town on the next train to Juarez!”  I shouted, a bit too loudly as I caused heads to turn all over the joint.  People were able to hear me even over the crappy house music.

“What’re you, smuggling conflict diamonds in there or something?”

The gal smooched me on the cheek.

“OK baby if you’re broke then you’re just wasting my time.  I’ll see you later.”

“Hold on doll,”  I said as I pulled another twenty out of Karen’s envelope.

“A tip?”  the dancer asked as she reached for it.  “That’s sweet.”

“Nah,”  I said.  “If I was going to give you a tip, sweetheart, I’d tell you to call your parents and apologize for your life choices.  I want to buy some information.”

“What do you want to know?”

“Which one of these floozies is Karen?”

Copyright (c) 2015 Bookshelf Q. Battler.  All Rights Reserved.

Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

Tagged , , , , ,