Daily Archives: July 3, 2015

BQB and the Meaning of Life – Intro and Parts 1-5

Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Bookshelf Q. Battler, a Poindexter of World Renown

Bookshelf Q. Battler, a Poindexter of World Renown

His 3.5 readers know him as a World Renowned Poindexter, Reviewer of Books, Movies and Assorted Cultural Happenings, Champion Yeti Fighter, and Blogger-in-Chief of the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

But few are aware that this gregarious geek has also discovered the answer to life’s most vexing question:

Why do they always forget to put the sauce in your bag when you buy fast food chicken nuggets?

Ooops.  Wrong question.  Here it is:

What is the meaning of life?

True understanding of mankind’s purpose doesn’t come easy.  Behold, here’s how our illustrious hero’s dorktastic adventures began:

Intro – BQB explains why he wrote this story.

Tessa Fireswarm, one of the more unruly characters inhabiting BQB's magic shelf.

Tessa Fireswarm, one of the more unruly characters inhabiting BQB’s magic shelf.

Part 1 – A Toaster Pastry Too Far – As caretaker of a magic bookshelf where small versions literary characters come to life and fight over limited shelf space, BQB’s life isn’t easy.  Most of his free time is spent keeping these pint sized protagonists from burning the Bookshelf Battle Compound down.  Our tale begins when Young Adult Fiction Star Tessa Fireswarm wakes BQB up in the middle night by firing arrows at a copy of Tales of the Lost French Children. Unable to get back to sleep, BQB devours a lightning infused toaster pastry and croaks on the toilet whilst trying to expel it from his nether regions.

(And you thought that story you crumpled up and threw in your trash can was far fetched.)

Part 2 – Twenty-Three Skadoo – Our noble nerd finds himself in an afterlife speakeasy straight out of the 1930’s.  In fact, a waitress who bears a striking resemblance to a beloved female celebrity from his generation who died too soon insists on keeping him soused to the gills so as to keep him from freaking out, as most newcomers to the afterlife tend to do.  A refined British gentleman with balding hair and a codpiece takes a seat.

Part – 3 – A Place Between Heaven and Hell – William Shakespeare explains that he’s BQB’s spirit guide. We learn more aboutthe waitress.

Part 4 – God’s Waiting Room – The man upstairs puts famous dead celebrities on rotating shifts to hang out in an afterlife speakeasy, thus making people sound crazy when they tell their story after they’re allowed to return to the land of the living.

Part 5 – The Return Kiss – Bookshelf Q. Battler has a hard time thinking up anyone who’d miss him if he remained croaked. When he finally thinks of someone, the waitress sends him back with a smooch.

The Waitress Who Bears a Striking Resemblance to a Much Beloved Female Celebrity from Your Generation Who Died Too Soon (Who does she look like to you?)

The Waitress Who Bears a Striking Resemblance to a Much Beloved Female Celebrity from Your Generation Who Died Too Soon (Who does she look like to you?)

Copyright (c) 2015 Bookshelf Q. Battler.  All Rights Reserved.  

Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

Attorney Donnelly notes that BQB’s magic bookshelf characters are meant for parody purposes (poking fun at literary characters both classic and modern.)

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One Post a Day for a Year Challenge – The Point of No Return

Happy Friday, 3.5 Readers.1371251154-2

This year sure has flown by.

For those just tuning in, I’m knee deep in a one post a day for a year challenge.

As promised at the beginning, angry yetis, ninjas, chupacabras, robots, highlanders, or any other distractions will not stop this nerd from his appointed rounds.

It’s been a real hustle, but so far it’s been worth it:

TWITTER: 2000 at end of last year to 5,000 as of yesterday.  (Up 3,000)

WORDPRESS FOLLOWERS: Around 400 at end of last year to over 1,200 as of today.  (Up 800)

By the end of the year, I’d love to get my Twitter follows up to 10K and WordPress follows up to 2K.  Any help you can provide with that would be awesome.  Do you have a favorite Bookshelf Battle Blog post?  Please consider sharing a link on your blog or favorite social media platform.

The Road Ahead

So many people suffer from writer’s block that I hate to say this, but I suffer from something else:

Writer’s Idea Surge

I have too many ideas and barely enough time to scratch the surface of them all.  I want to write a book based on every idea I have and I want to have done it yesterday but alas, life gets in the way.

I’d like to pull a Dr. Malcolm from Jurassic Park.  Life should uh…find a way, in my case.

I’ve given Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life short shrift lately, putting more of my energy into Pop Culture Mysteries.  

I go where the feedback goes and the numbers show people have been peaking at Jake’s adventures more than BQB’s.

I love them both and I need to finish my BQB story.  After all, when that yarn is spun, it will set out the whole point of this blog, that namely, it’s the online presence of a nerdy storyteller with a magic bookshelf.  His awesomeness attracts an assortment of characters (an angry yeti, a know it all alien, a mad scientist and yes, even a 1950’s detective) who want to tell their tales on his blog.

But I also have to help Jake edit and post his case files.  I think his stories have the potential to get the BQB brand into the self published novel business.

I’m going to let Jake run wild in July then tell him to take a chill pill in August so I can finish the epic story of how I discovered the meaning of life with my newfound main squeeze Victoria Gloria (aka Video Game Rack Fighter).

Believe it or not but BQB and the Meaning of Life needs to conclude because there is some crossover with Pop Culture Mysteries.

In PCM, I (BQB) am sort of the Charlie who commands the angels without ever being seen.  (Don’t tell Jake I called him an angel).

I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but if all goes to plan, I’d like to work on my “crowdsourcing a novel” idea this fall.

Jake’s ready to share his experiences from one of his most notorious cases, the hunt for the infamous serial killer known as Mr. Devil Man.

I’ll post Jake’s excerpts, you fine 3.5 readers can tell me what works and what doesn’t and ultimately, advise me on whether or not this would be worth packaging into a novel to be sold on Amazon.

(As a 1950’s guy, Jake doesn’t understand that self publishing = profit so uh, you know, don’t tell him that either.  Alien Jones and I are planning to use the book proceeds to go to Vegas).

Right now I’m in the “if you build it, they will come” phase.  I’m averaging around 50 readers a day (a far cry from 3.5).  That inspires me to keep going but at the same time, I know I need to keep increasing that figure in order to make the pace I’m working at sustainable into the future.

As always, thanks for reading 3.5.  You are the glue that holds this whole shebang together.

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Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #003 – Relationships (Part 2)

PREVIOUSLY ON POP CULTURE MYSTERIES…

Part 1 – Jake gets a late night visit from Attorney Donnelly.  Our resident gumshoe freaks out when Ms. Tsang comes home after midnight with a new beau.

AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE…

From the moth eaten pocket of my trench coat, I produced a worn out black and white photograph.  It was of yours truly standing next to an Asian couple and their eight year old daughter, a precocious kiddo with a wide smile and pig tails.

I handed it over to Ms. Donnelly.

Susan Tsang, Hatcher's Secret Niece/Unpaid Landlady

Susan Tsang, Hatcher’s Secret Niece/Unpaid Landlady

“You’re kidding,” was her reply.

“No ma’aam.”

“So she’s your…who is she to you exactly?”

“An adopted niece of sorts,”  I said.  “When my first marriage went up in a cloud of smoke and I was given the bum’s rush off the police force, I didn’t have two wooden nickels to rub together.  Ms. Tsang’s old man Joe was a buddy of mine in the war.  I saved his hide a few times and he was so grateful that he let me use the room upstairs as my office.”

“How old is she in this photo?”

“Ahh let’s see,”  I said.  “That was actually taken in 1955.  Same year I went under for the fifty-nine year nap.  She’d of been eight years old I think.”

Ms. Donnelly handed the picture back and I took another look at it.

“Jumpin’ Jehosaphat,”  I said.  “That little kid who used to run around this place is older than dirt now.”

“I understand the mathematics of it all,”  Delilah said.  “Technically, you’ve been alive for ninety-five years, but since you never aged past your mid-thirties, it just seems an odd sight to me to watch you lecture a woman who looks like she could be your mother.”

I tucked the photo back in my pocket for safe keeping.

“I surely do miss Joe and Evelyn,” I said.  “They were two of the good ones.  Let me use that room for years until my private investigation business began turning a profit.  I started paying them rent when I was able to afford it.  Kind of feel like a heel that I’m not able to now.”

“Perhaps you’ll find a few more clients with pockets deeper than Mr. Battler’s.”

It was a nice thought, but who’d hire a bum like me other than a second rate cheapskate Interwhatever scribe?

“Perhaps I will, Ms. Donnelly.  Perhaps I will.”

“You consider her a niece,”  Ms. Donnelly said.  “Yet you refer to her as, ‘Ms. Tsang?'”

“To keep up appearances,”  I answered.  “It’s not like I can walk around and tell people this woman who appears much older than I am is like a kid to me.”

“Some advice that you may take or leave at your leisure,”  Ms. Donnelly said.  “But she’s not a child anymore and maybe you shouldn’t treat her as such.”

Jake Hatcher, Pop Culture Detective/Secret Uncle

Jake Hatcher, Pop Culture Detective/Secret Uncle

“You’re right,”  I said.  “Hell, she kept this whole restaurant afloat after her parents passed on and took care of me while I was sleeping in the room upstairs for decades, so I should give her a little bit of credit.  Still, it’s hard not to worry about her when she’s out on the town.”

“I suppose a parent’s worries never end,”  Ms. Donnelly said.  “Or an adoptive uncle’s.”

“I trust you’ll keep this tidbit between us,”  I said.  “I’ve only shared it with you because of your trustworthy character, Ms. Donnelly.”

“Mum is the word, Mr. Hatcher.  Mum is the word.”

Delilah stood up, prompting me to do the same.

“If you’ll excuse me, I must be off.  I have to catch a two a.m. flight to Monte Carlo.”

“France,”  I said.  “Wow, Mr. Battler is pulling out all the stops.”

“Business for another client,”  Delilah said.  “There are people to work for other than Mr. Battler, Mr. Hatcher.  You should try it sometime.”

I held the door open for the lady.

“I’m touched that you trusted me enough to share the truth behind your relationship with Ms. Tsang ,”  Delilah said as she walked out the door.

A taxi cab was waiting for her.

“Touched enough to grab a bite to eat with me sometime?”

“Not that touched.”

“Of course,” I said.  “Good night, Ms. Donnelly.”

“Good night, Mr. Hatcher.”

I waited and watched until Ms. Donnelly was safely inside the cab and on her way before shutting the door and returning to the table.

I picked up the bottle.

“At least you never turn me down,”  I said as I poured a shot.

I swigged it back and opened the envelope.  A new letter from Mr. Battler.

Detective Hatcher,

A teenage boy.  A crazy wild-haired scientist.  A limited edition sports car that travels through time when it is driven at precisely eighty-eight miles per hour.

Doc Brown and Marty McFly entertained and thrilled audiences in the three part Back to the Future trilogy.  Together, the duo went on an adventure that took them to the 1950’s (which probably doesn’t seem so bad to you), a highly optimistic version of this year, 2015 (will scientists ever figure out how to rehydrate a pizza?) and even to the Old West.

One question the films failed to answer – how the hell did these two know each other in the first place?

I mean, honestly, three movies and not one peep about what kind of a relationship they had.

I’ve got to know, Hatcher.  Figure this out.

Sincerely,

Bookshelf Q. Battler

What a segue way.  Just moments earlier, I’d been discussing with Ms. Donnelly the nature of my relationship with Ms. Tsang and now Mr. Battler wanted an explanation of the relationship between a teenage time traveler and a mad scientist.

It was so convenient that it might as well have been written for the benefit of an Interwhatever site read by 3.5 readers.

And by the way, 3.5 readers, if you could keep the secret about Ms. Tsang under your hat, I’d appreciate it.  I never tell anyone because the last thing I need is for one of the criminals I’ve encountered to use information like that against me.

There are plenty of degenerates out there who are more than willing to hurt a fella’s loved ones just to get at him.

Luckily, only 3.5 people are reading this, so the secret should be safe.

Jake, we really need you to get to Doc and Marty.

Copyright (c) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.  All Rights Reserved.

Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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