Bookshelf Battle

By: Count Krakovich, Special Vampire Correspondent

Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

Bleh!  Bleh!  Excuse me!  I have a bad taste in my mouth.  Must be that Diet Shasta Blood.

Good evening, 3.5 children of the night!

I am Count Krakovich and I am…a VAMPIRE!

Why, you might ask, would I reveal myself on a pitiful blog that only caters to 3.5 readers?

Well, recently, I was kicked out of the League of Vampires.  Something about leaving the back door of the castle open so the villagers could come in and burn my brethren alive.

Vampires are such crybabies.

Actually, that wasn’t my first foul up.  The High Vampire said it was the proverbial “straw that broke the camel’s back.”

My other alleged screw-ups (which I do not confirm or deny) include:

• Hiring a cleaning crew to take down the drapes and wash them…at noon on the sunniest day of the year.  What?  You find a crew that’s willing to drive out to a spooky castle at night and then you can give me that look.

• I may, and I stress, MAY have lost a bus load of sacrificial virgins.  I replaced them with a bus full of sorority sisters on spring break hoping the High Vampire would not notice, but notice he did.  In my defense, you try to find a virgin these days.

• Say one prayer in the vicinity of a bucket of water, the Second-in-Command vampire uses it for a bath and gets burned to a crisp.  Who knew that’s all it takes to create holy water?  It’s not like I was praying for anything extraordinary.  I was just asking God to let my favorite sports team win because I know he takes an interest in these things.

• The vampires put me in charge of vampire pizza night.  I come back with what I assume is a meat lover’s pizza only to discover too late that it’s the garlic lover’s special.  Yes, I suppose I should have checked first before I left the pizza parlor but how am I to blame for Transylvania House of Pizza’s gross incompetence?

• I was charged with redecorating the Vampire Castle.  I smashed all the old furniture, put all the sticks into a big dumpster and hired a crew of local villagers to haul it away.  Low and behold, they used the sticks as stakes and took out half the Vampire League.  OK.  Should I have seen that coming?  Yes.  But hindsight is 20/20.  Now I know not to hand villagers a pile of stakes.  I won’t do that next time.  You live and you learn.  You think the High Vampire sees it that way?  Ha.  That guy has a stick up his ass.  That’s not a joke.  A villager put it there and now the High Vampire refuses to forgive me.

So anyway, twenty or thirty pooch screws later and here I am, no longer affiliated with any reputable vampire organization.  No one will have me and I blame the League.  What pathetic loser faces they are, that they’d force me out after all I did for them.

Fear not, 3.5, for I, Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire, will get my revenge by using this blog  for the next week to inform the world how to kill vampires.

Feel free to use my lessons on those a-holes in the Vampire League, especially that douchebag High Vampire.

Just don’t use these ideas on me, because hey, we’re cool, right?