BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 1 (Part 4)

“Now then, mein reality television stars, you’ve all become famous despite a lack of qualifications, credentials, and talent, is that correct?”

“Hold on Doc, Todd and I are both master plumbers…”

“I’ll take that as a no,”  Dr. Hugo said as he passed the mic to Vinny.

“Yo, does this mall have a spray on tan kiosk or what?  We’re gettin pasty ovah hea’!”

Vinny had been walking around in nothing but a speedo for years.

Vinny had been walking around in nothing but a speedo for years.

“Strike two,”  Dr. Hugo said.

Jenna smacked a piece of gum in her mouth.

“I like to shop.”

“Undt strike three,”  Dr. Hugo said.  “Yes, the world loves its reality tv stars, so much so that people spend all of their time paying attention to these bores while men of science such as meinself are constantly ignored.  Be pretty and smile for the camera and you get rich undt famous but discover new and creative uses for teflon and the best you can get is a column on a blog with 3.5 readers.  No offense, BQB.”

“None taken.”

I was starting to think Dr. Hugo might be bitter.

“With one blast of mein new invention, these imbeciles will actually become productive members of society.”

“Just don’t blast me in the face,”  Jenna said.  “I never take a blast in the face.”

Vinny was all over that one.

“That’s not what that guy on your sex tape said!  Ohhh!”


“Yo Doc,”  Vinny added.  “I was told we was gettin’ paid to show up here and play with your toy ray gun?”


The stars lined up and one by one, Dr. Hugo used his contraption to bathe them in a soft green light.

“How do you feel Ms. Simone?”

According to the TV Stats Bureau, there were more viewers for the episode, "Jenna Eats a Bowl of Strawberries" than there were for the moon landing.

According to the TV Stats Bureau, there were more viewers for the episode, “Jenna Eats a Bowl of Strawberries” than there were for the moon landing.

Still using her Barbie doll voice, Jenna said.  “Materialism.  ‘Tis a wanton mistress that bids you come hither and yet never fully satisfies you.  Thank you, good doctor, for showing me the folly of my ways, for I will now commit myself to the pursuit of knowledge.  From now on, my only interests will include books, PBS, NPR, Charlie Rose and….buh..”

Jenna didn’t look so good.  None of the stars did.

Flesh started dripping off the right side of Jenna’s once perfect face.

“Excuse me,”  she said.  “Yes, all I’m interested in now is knowledge and…

Her eyes turned a deep shade of yellow.


The Streibcheks, the Stereotypical Italian New Jerseyians, everyone who’d been zapped with Dr. Hugo’s invention turned into hideous undead creatures.

“Lookout!”  VGRF cried.  “Scumsucking bottomfeeders!”

“That’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?”  I asked.  “I mean sure, they’re a bunch of do-nothing hacks but they’re just out for a buck like the rest of us.”

“No!  Zombies!”

“Oh right,”  I said.  “Holy Crap!”

Mayor Bramble was the slowest human on stage and alas, he was instantly ripped to shreds by the zombified reality stars.

Mayor Bramble, we hardly knew ye.

Mayor Bramble, we hardly knew ye.

“Dr. Hugo!”  I shouted.  “What have you done?”

“Woopsie!”  my mentor said.  “Looks like I accidentally turned the hydroflescent phalange a bit too far to the left.  Mein bad!”

“So what do we do now?”

Dr. Hugo reached into his lab coat, whipped out a metal stick, and unfolded it.  It was the two-jump pogo stick, the invention he used to revitalize global transportation by guaranteeing the user could get wherever he wanted to go in the world with only two jumps.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m getting zie fahrvergnügen out of here!  Good luck!”

The mad scientist jumped once and his pogo stick took him straight up into the air and out through an open skylight.

The audience dispersed, running this way and that with their arms flailing in the air.

The zombies surrounded us.

Alien Jones stretched out his hands and projected a bubble-shaped force field all around us.

“RUN!”  commanded the Esteemed Brainy One.

VGRF, Bernie and I jumped off the stage and let our feet fly.

“Keep up!”  Alien Jones said.  “One touch of the bubble’s surface and you’ll be…”

A zombified Lil’ Schnookums hurled herself at the bubble and was instantly turned into a fine mist. Donnies A and B tried and

Zombie attack!

Zombie attack!

were vaporized as well.  The others got wise and began grabbing and biting every other human they could find.

“We must get you to shelter, BQB,”  Alien Jones said.  “Your fledgling writing career is all that prevents the landing of the Mighty Potentate’s shock troops on Earthly soil.”

“I know!  I know!  Do you have to remind me every five seconds?”

Soon, the feeding frenzy doubled, tripled and even quadrupled the size of the zombie horde.

“BQB,”  Bernie said.  “Did you have a kid?  And is he like, magic and shit?”

I ignored my buddy.  We ran past one abandoned store after another, watching helplessly as East Randomtonians were ripped limb from limb.

Zombies kept hurling themselves at the bubble only to get misted.

“We must hurry,”  Alien Jones.

The bubble flickered.

“I only have enough strength to retain this field for a few minutes longer!”

“There!”  I shouted, pointing at the Price Town at the end of the hallway.  It was one of the last three stores still operational.

We ran and ran, vicious beasts hot on our heels.

As we closed in on the store, Alien Jones punched a button on his phone and the security gate began to close.

The gate drew further and further downward.  The force field flickered again, but this time it was gone.

We all slid under the gate just moments before it snapped to ground.  The hungry zombies threw themselves at the metal, trying to bust in and devour us.

“This is some low down crunk ass shit,”  Bernie said.

Alien Jones grabbed his head and passed out, his little green body hitting the floor with a thud.

“AJ?”  I asked.

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