Daily Archives: May 1, 2016

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 91


shutterstock_320226569Flames danced all across the right side of Blythe’s body, from his torso to his face. Still, he needed to maintain focus. The arrow was less than an inch from his heart so the slightest mistake would leave him a pile of dust.

Lying flat on his back on the ground, he gripped the arrow tightly and pulled it slowly until it was out, the stone tip covered with his putrid black blood.

He rolled about and slapped the fire that had engulfed him out. His coat was ruined, the fabric singed beyond repair. The bubbling blisters on his face, on the other hand, disappeared quickly. The vampire was back to his handsome self again.

Blythe rose up and looked to the roof of the livery. There was Standing Eagle, drawing another arrow out of his quiver and preparing to take aim with his bow.

To his left and right were Crafty Fox and Screeching Owl, each with bows drawn. Fox sent an arrow sailing through the air until it entered the eye of a zombified Buchanan Boy, piercing its brain and dropping its carcass to the ground.

The vampire was packing a shiny nickel plated revolver. In a rare display of panic, he shot indiscriminately at the rooftop, waving his free hand to signal his zombie firing squad to join in.

Undeterred by the heavy fire coming at them, the trio jumped from the rooftop. Standing Eagle withdrew a tomahawk and swung it furiously, decapitating zombies left and right. He locked into a formation with Fox and Owl and together, they watch each others’ backs, slicing up all zombies that came their way.

Werewolves Taylor and Browning made a run at the intruders. Meanwhile, Wandering Snake and Charging Bobcat had other plans in store for Werewolf Miller.

Atop Townsend’s shop, Snake rapidly twirled a bola over his head. He let it loose and Miller’s paws became tangled in a web of rope and wooden balls, causing him to trip and face plant into the ground.

That gave Bobcat the chance to do what he did best – attack his prey. He jumped from the roof top, landed on Miller’s back and used his long knife to hack away at the beast’s back, only to be shocked as the wounds instantly healed.

Snake’s feet hit the ground. Calmly, he stuck his knife in the forehead of an attacking zombie, then used his staff fend off the undead as they circled him.

“Eagle!” Bobcat shouted as he stabbed away at Miller to no avail. “The dog monsters cannot be hurt!”

Eagle was preoccupied as he laid on the ground, holding open Browning’s jaws with his bare hands, desperately holding them back from chomping down on his face.

“I’ve noticed!” Eagle replied

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 90


Doc’s body was riddled with bullet holes yet it didn’t seem to faze him in the slightest.

“You look like hell,” Gunther said.

“Perhaps but I feel better than ever I assure you,” Doc replied.

Annabelle counted the holes. One in Doc’s shoulder. Five more in his chest and stomach. Six all together.

“Those don’t hurt at all?” she asked.

“They sting a bit,” Doc replied. “More of a cosmetic problem than anything else. I dare say I won’t be going shirtless on the beach when we get to France my dear.”

Gunther peeked out the window. “Shit. Dog monsters coming around back.”

“Werewolves,” Miles said. He began wondering if he should just give up and stop correcting everyone.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Doc said. “I am presently conceiving a bold plan. The odds of it working are a hundred to one but it is the only option that presents itself in my mind. Time is of the essence and I need everyone to do as I say without question and follow my lead to the letter..”

“I’m not taking orders from a damn zombie,” Miss Bonnie said.

At the back of the livery, there was a set of two double doors. Gentry’s fist pounded on them.

“What do you think?” Slade asked Gunther.

Gunther stared at Doc’s blank eyes. They revealed no emotion. “I don’t why but I trust him.”

“I can’t believe this,” Miss Bonnie said to Slade. “You trust this jackass?”

“No,” Slade replied. “But I trust Gunther’s gut. It hasn’t steered us wrong yet.”

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Mark Twain on Zombies – Part 2


“God created war so that Americans would learn geography. The devil created zombies so that Western Americans would practice their calisthenics.”

And so, as the American West Continued to Be Zombed throughout the late 1800s, Samuel Langhorne Clemens, better known to readers by his pen name, Mark Twain, refused to be deterred from embracing his life long love affair with the written word.

Hidden away in his residence with the doors and windows boarded up and a carving knife at the ready to make quick work of any intruders, be they zombie or ill-mannered human, Mr. Twain persisted in memorializing his thoughts on the zombie menace for future generations to enjoy:

  • “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. Of course, if this person turns out to be a zombie, make it a priority to blow its brains out.”
  • “Books are for people who wish they were someone else. Alas, zombies have no use for them, for they are so miserably stupid.”
  • “Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. Now imagine that you are a zombified Congressman. But I repeat myself thrice now.”
  • “In a good book room, you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in all the books through your skin, without even opening them. Enjoy the feeling while it lasts, for no doubt a hideous zombie will jump out from betwixt the book stacks and scare the living daylights out of you.”
  • “If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man. As for zombies, they will bite the shit out of you whether or not you try to feed them cow brains as a substitute for human brains. Zombies are truly ungrateful pricks.”
  • “I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened. My tales of zombie homicide, for example, are voraciously true.”
  • “Education is the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty. Oh how I wish I had never been educated about zombies.”
  • “A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. Meanwhile, a zombie is a rotten fellow who wants to consume your brain.”
  • “Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. I doubt the zombie brains I have stomped upon have shed much in the way of forgiveness upon my boot heel.”
  • “Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most. I suspect a filthy zombie has devoured it.”
  • “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. If there is ever a third, it will be the glorious day upon which we learn that all of the zombies have up and died.”
  • “The human race has only two really effective weapons: laughter and shovels to aid us in the bashing of zombie brains.”
  • “Never argue with stupid zombies. They will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
  • “Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day…unless you run into a disgusting zombie.”
  • “I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a zombie should ever challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him, most likely by punching him in the brain.”
  • “I haven’t any right to criticize books, and I don’t do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticize Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can’t conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Every time I read Pride and Prejudice I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone and then shout, ‘Die again, zombie bitch!’”

EDITORIAL NOTE: Yeah, that last quote is all Twain except for the “Die again, zombie bitch!” part at the end. His original quote ended with “shin-bone.” The Twainster was not a fan of Jane Austen apparently.

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