By the way, since this is a nerd blog it is imperative that I wish you all a Happy Star Wars Day.
By the way, since this is a nerd blog it is imperative that I wish you all a Happy Star Wars Day.
And finally, the post that started it all. The Top Ten Warning Signs That Your Girlfriend Might Be a Damn Zombie.
If your girlfriend is falling apart emotionally, it’s probably your fault for being a lousy ass boyfriend.
But, if she’s falling apart literally and still moving around and/or trying to feast on your brains then she may very well be a damn zombie.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, the Top Ten Signs that Your Girlfriend Might be a Damn Zombie:
10. She’s been nibbling on your ear a lot lately…but she never did that before.
9. She wants you for your brains. No, not the thoughts in your brains. You don’t have any because you’re stupid. She wants your actual brains.
8. She bumps into walls more than usual.
7. You handed her your credit card and shouted, “Free shopping spree on me, baby!” She sniffed said card and upon determining that it wasn’t brains, chucked it her over her shoulder.
6. She keeps trying to take selfies with other she-zombies but her lips keep falling off whenever she tries to do the duck face.
5. She looks really mad at you. You ask her why she’s mad at you and she’s all like, “Grr…argh…I think you know why…grr….”
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A Brief History of the Cold War:
It started 5 minutes after World War II. The Russians tried to take over the US and force us to stand in line for toilet paper and turn all our women into chubby babushkas named Olga.
Then Ronald Reagan put an end to all that bullshit by besting Mikhail Gorbachev in a best two out of three jello wrestling competition.
And then after that it looked like the Russkis were going to knock the shit off for awhile but you know, what with the rise of Putin and all, you might want to keep an eye on your girlfriend if she knows more quotes from the Communist Manifesto than from those romance movies in the previous post.
Oh sure, they say they want to be our friends but then as soon as we aren’t looking they kick the Ukraine in the balls and give East Europe a wedgie.
Let’s face it. For many Russians the Cold War never ended and they’re looking for their chance to spread communism across the globe.
Fellow American men, here are some warning signs that your girlfriend might in fact be a Russian spy:
10. You asked her if she is a Russian spy and her answer was “nyet.” Nyet, of course, is Russian for “no.” This is a clear sign your girlfriend is a Russian spy as an American woman would have responded, “No” or “Shut up and buy me something assface.”
9. You glanced at her cell phone and noticed she has “Putin” listed in her contacts.
8. She gets up in the middle of the night, strips naked…
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I got through this entire post without making a joke about witches riding a broomstick in an appropriate manner or you know as an innuendo for, never mind.
Witches are ladies, dammit and they don’t play that shit.
Not exactly the nicest thing to call your girlfriend…unless she is one.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warnings Signs that Your Smoochy Poo might be a Witchy Poo:
10. She’s always green…even when she isn’t sick.
9. But unlike Kermit, being green is easy for her.
8. Whenever she leaves, your broomstick is nowhere to be found. That’s ok though because you weren’t that much of a housekeeper anyway you dirty slob.
7. You’re not entirely sure water would melt her, but now that you think of it, you can’t recall ever seeing her drink a bottle of Aquafina. Maybe she’s a witch or maybe she’s just not a dumb ass who is willing to shell out good money for bottled water when the tap is perfectly fine. (But seriously, if you two live in Flint, Michigan and she doesn’t drink…
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Curse you Hollywood for making women the world over demand that their boyfriends like, live by high standards and sweep women off their feet and poop rainbows out of their butts and shit.
Oh Hollywood. When will you ever learn that every time you put out another cheesy romantic movie, you’re causing the women in our lives to hold us up to ridiculously high standards?
Men, are your women way into romance flicks for YOUR own good?
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the top ten warning signs your girlfriend might be a romance movie fanatic:
10. She watched Serendipity then erased her number from your phone and wrote it down in a copy of the book, Love in the Time of Cholera. She sold the book to a used book store and then informed you that you will never talk to her again unless fate sees that the book with her number in it makes its way to you. You call her the next day and you are all like “Seriously babe I remember your number because we’ve been…
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Your girlfriend might be a ninja.
Ironically, as a ninja she is so skilled that you will never know if she is a ninja unless she wants you to know she is a ninja.
So you can just sit around like a stupid dumb dummy face and wait for her to admit that she is a ninja or you can read BQB’s Top Ten Warning Signs That Your Girlfriend Might Be a Ninja.
Ninjutsu. The ancient Japanese discipline that weaves martial arts, guerrilla warfare, espionage and clandestine assassination tactics into one lethal practitioner.
If a ninja wants you dead…you won’t know until you are dead.
But if you are dating a she-ninja, you won’t know until you consult this list.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Ninja:
10. Although you think you might be alone, you’re pretty sure you just saw that shadow in the corner move. Don’t worry. That’s just ninja foreplay.
9. You keep finding her nunchucks in your dishwasher. It’s not that you don’t want to help her out but it just seems rude she won’t pre-rinse the blood off of them first.
8. Sometimes when you’re alone and in the mood, a fast moving gust of wind will zoom through the window, knock you down, move around…
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Is your girlfriend sucking the life out of you?
Sorry, poor phrasing. More than usual? If yes, then check this out, for she could be a vampire:
Vampir. Children of the night. Demonic bloodsuckers.
Call them what you will but if your girlfriend is one of them, she might just call you lunch…and not in a good way.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs that Your Girlfriend Might Be a Vampire.
10. She’s the only girl you’ve ever dated who doesn’t spend a lot of time primping in front of the mirror.
9. Awkwardly works the word “bleah” into regular conversation.
8. Hypnotizes you through glamour techniques to get you to do her bidding. (This could be inconclusive as most women do this anyway.)
7. She totally sucks. Insert joke here.
6. You often wake up feeling woozy with two small holes in your neck. Calling her on it will do nothing as she’ll just shrug her shoulders, channel Shaggy and say “wasn’t me.”
5. Always has an…
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Has your girlfriend ever other thrown a corrupt totalitarian regime from an alternate future with little to no combat training?
You’re dating a Young Adult Novel Heroine then sir…
Tessa Fireswarm – YA Novel Protagonist/Attempts to Destroy BQB’s Magic Bookshelf Often
If you’ve been one of BQB’s 3.5 readers from the very beginning (my condolences to you for that is precious time out of your life that you will never get back) then you’re aware one of the characters living on BQB’s magic bookshelf is none other than a tiny version of Tessa Fireswarm, protagonist of the Arrowblast series.
What? Up your nose with a rubber hose, Suzanne Collins. Tessa is a true original.
Wait. This just in. Attorney Donnelly informs me that Tessa is a parody. Whatever. Just no one sue me please.
Anyway, when Tessa isn’t busy attempting to blow up the other characters living on BQB’s magic bookshelf in an ongoing war for shelf space, she occasionally advises BQB on the Young Adult genre.
Here now, with Tessa’s help, are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend…
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Dudes, if you were too busy suffocating under a pile of obese kitty cats then a) your girlfriend might be a cat lady and b) you should read this:
Video Game Rack Fighter Cat – Official Pet of BQB’s Better-Half
Pets. They bring joy to our lives and only ask for food, water and the ability to poop and barf all over our rugs, furniture and priceless possessions in return because they are dirty disgusting little bastards.
Hey, no one threw you out that one time you pooped on the sofa (you know you did it) so you can give your furry friend a break for the occasional accident, right?
But what if it is two furry friends? Or three furry friends? Or fifty-eight furry friends?!
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Crazy Cat Lady:
10: Wherever she goes and whatever she set out to do, she never fails to come home with an extra cat. Trip to the store for milk? New cat. Dentist appointment? New cat…
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Ladies, I’ve got no gold for you to dig. Are there any bronze diggers out there?
Does your girlfriend take your money when you are in need?
Is she a triflin’ friend indeed?
In that case, whether or not you’re Jamie Foxx (as featured in Kanye West’s song Gold Digger) you might want to consult this expert list.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Gold Digger:
10. You actually have some gold to dig. If your ass is broke, then believe it or not, she might actually just like you for your personality. Who knew? I sure 9didn’t. I always thought you were a schmuck.
9. Uses you like her own personal ATM. If you’re asleep, she just picks you up, turns you upside down, and shakes you until all the loot falls out of your pockets.
8. Has a long laundry list of reasons why she can’t get a job. None…
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