Daily Archives: May 14, 2016

Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Bad Ass Guide to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse – Introduction


Artistic rendition of what Bookshelf Q. Battler would look like as a zombie nerd.

Good day, noble reader.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here.

Most likely, we haven’t met yet, but I hold many titles.  Specifically, I’m a world renowned poindexter, epic nerdventurer, reviewer of pop cultural happenings, a magic bookshelf caretaker and last, but certainly not least, a champion yeti fighter.

I won’t waste too much of your time going into all that hullabaloo.  If you’re interested (and I hope you are) you can read more about my life by visiting my humble blog, “Bookshelf Battle” located for your convenience at bookshelfbattle.com

As of this writing, I’m proud to announce that the Bookshelf Battle Blog boasts upwards of 3.5 readers, and it would be a distinct honor for me if you would bring that total up to 4.5.

Hell, if you’re one of those fancy people who has friends, feel free to tell them about me and together, we can make my plan to get my website up to 30.5 readers by 2020 a reality.

If you’ll allow me this brief plug, the Bookshelf Battle Blog is a rousing celebration of all things nerdy.  I don’t mean to imply that you, specifically, are a nerd. Cool people purchase books on how to survive zombie apocalypses all the time.  For the rest of you nerds, I think you’ll feel right at home after your first visit.

I’m not going to lie.  It isn’t easy juggling my many duties. Did I mention on top of all this I hold two full-time jobs?

One of them even pays. I currently hold the distinguished position of Assistant to the Assistant of the Vice-President of Corporate Assistance of Beige Corporation, the world’s premiere supplier of beige products and accessories.

Our motto? “When you need to wear a color that says absolutely nothing about you as a person whatsoever, try beige!”

Yup. It’s a gig that is as boring as it sounds, but it does pay the bills.  Don’t worry, I’m only doing it until my career as a self-published writer takes off.

FYI my writing career needs to take off or else a maniacal alien despot has pledged that he will conquer the planet, but I don’t want to bore you with my problems.

Well, technically it’s also your problem, unless you’re one of those who weirdoes who thinks getting your planet conquered by an alien would be good times. Personally, I doubt it.

Theoretically, I’m not sure the aliens could do any worse than the folks running the joint right now, but this isn’t a political book, so I don’t want to open that can of worms.

Where was I?  Oh right.  Telling you about my two full-time jobs.

The second one only pays me in heartburn and increased stress levels.  But it’s also the reason why I have become an expert on the subject of zombie attacks.

You see, I currently hold the position of Acting Mayor of East Randomtown, USA.

I was never elected and honestly, I don’t even want the job because it requires me to listen to the incessant complaints of a bunch of dumb dummies.  Literally, Kim Kardashian could challenge any one of my constituents to a debate and come off sound like Steve Hawking against these brain donors.

Look, I’m not trying to disparage my home town, but facts are facts, and here are some facts that will help you get the full picture of what I’m dealing with here:

  • An Absurdly High Mortality Rate – My home town leads the world in deaths caused by accidental choking caused by an inability to walk and chew gum at the same time.  I have done my best with a “Spit Before You Hoof It” campaign but I can only do so much.  We are also the town with the highest number of accidental drownings due to people leaving their mouths open when it rains. Thanks to my leadership, every neighborhood has a drown warden now, charged with the task of reminding everyone to shut their suck holes at the first sight of a rain drop.
  • Poor Education – Thanks to my “Books Won’t Steal Your Soul” initiative, I was able to convince more townsfolk to pursue higher education for awhile.  Alas, that all stopped when the local Hipster Hut had a sale on laser pointers. Now half the populace just draws on their walls with their laser pointers while the other half, much like cats, try to catch the light between their hands.
  • Favorite Pasttimes – Baseball?  No. Our official town sport is “Getting Drunk and Accusing Other People of Thinking They’re Better Than You.”  Resident Otto Dobner holds the record, having accused three hundred and eighty seven residents of thinking they’re better than he is.  (Between you and I, most of them were.)

Point? I never would have voluntarily sought the position of being the leader of this moronic wasteland.

Rather, I was drafted into the position in October of 2015, during which I bravely and selflessly took it upon myself to save the town from a zombie apocalypse caused by the evil mad scientist, Dr. Hugo Von Science. (Side note: Dr. Hugo is still a columnist for my blog but my lawyer is working on breaking that contract on the grounds of, well, he’s a nutbag who enjoys causing zombie apocalypses.)

Long story short, our elected mayor was eaten by zombies and then our self-appointed mayor tried to kill me and feed me to zombies.  Ultimately, I had to take the position and am doing my best to suffer through it until someone with half a brain is willing to take this burden off my hands.

I’m not holding my breath.  If you’re interested in the events of the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse, you can read more about that on my blog. Hell, feel free to click a few extra buttons while you’re there because it gives me the warm fuzzies whenever I see my blog stats go up.

My purpose with this book isn’t to educate you about the zombie mayhem that went down in East Randomtown.  Suffice to say, under my leadership, a whopping 35% of the townspeople were saved, which sounds low, but if you think you could save more people during a zombie apocalypse, then feel free to write your own guide to surviving a zompoc, you braggadocios pain in the posterior, you.

Instead, my goal is to take you, the noble reader, open up your brain and pour in all the knowledge I gained as an experienced fighter of the undead, thus turning you into a bad ass zombie apocalypse survivor.

Noble reader, I’ll even make you this guarantee.

If a zombie apocalypse ever does break out and the knowledge you gained from this book does not prevent you from dying a miserably gruesome death at the hands of disgustingly wretched zombies, then simply send me a tweet @bookshelfbattle and I’ll happily give you a full refund.

And if there’s never a zombie apocalypse, then you’re welcome. No doubt that will be the result of all the zombie apocalypse avoidance information that you will also find inside this revered tome.

Thank you for your time, your interest, and most importantly, the sweet sticky scrilla you dropped on this book.  Know that it will be spent on a good cause, namely, a wings and skins sampler at my favorite chain restaurant, which I will stuff in my face hole in your honor.

Now take my hand and join me on this epic learning experience.

Hold onto your brains.  It’s going to be a bumpy ride. (And also, it makes it harder for the zombies to eat them.)

Warmest Regards,

Bookshelf Q. Battler

Blogger-in-Chief of the Bookshelf Battle Blog

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Summer of Bookshelf 2016

Hey 3.5 Readers.1371251154

Your old pal, BQB here.

Don’t you just love summer?

For me, there’s just something about good weather that lifts my spirits. Frankly, if it weren’t for the giant, monolithic corporation run by a cartoon mouse and the highly likely chance of being eaten by an alligator, I probably would have moved to Florida a long time ago.

But I digress.  Summer is a time when I feel more energetic, happier and more hopeful and thus it’s a shame to let this rare burst of positivity go to waste (although knowing me, it’ll be gone tomorrow).

This is all subject to change, mind you, but here are my thoughts for Summer 2016

  • I’m loathe to say our favorite pals like Uncle Hardass, Alien Jones, the Yeti, Dr. Hugo and so on will be on hiatus, but they’ll probably take a chill pill for awhile.
  • In other words, I’m going to try to focus more energy on completing publishable work product.  “Books” as you tawdry laymen might call them.
  • I have had people ask me this.  “Why not spend less time posting gibberish and more time posting new parts of your book draft?”
  • And my answer is usually, “Why don’t you eat light salad for every meal? Because even though it’s the right thing to do, and it is the disciplined thing to do, once in awhile you need to pig out on some Doritoes and fudge bars and so on.
  • So…I’m not saying the funny stuff will go away. I mean, I’ll still go to movies and write reviews.
  • I’m still going to write about Game of Thrones because, holy shit, it’s Game of Thrones and I doubt there will be another adult oriented fantasy themed “Lord of the Rings with Gratuitous Boobies” show again at least for the rest of our natural lives so we might as well enjoy it while it lasts.  And as long as smoke keeps popping out of witch vaginas and imps and eunuchs keep trading bitchy barbs, I’m going to be blogging about it.
  • But I’d like to start working on a second project, Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Bad Ass Guide to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse.  
  • We’ll differ on whether or not it is fiction. You’re probably a square that doesn’t believe in zombies. I on the other hand know they’re real because I fought them during the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse.
  • But to appease the suits that control the various book publishing sites, I’ll say it’s fiction that reads like non-fiction.
  • I have often wondered to myself if I should play to my own strengths. Novel writing is much more difficult than blogging my opinions.  Novels must make sense. Meanwhile, as a humorist, my opinions just need to make you laugh.
  • Ergo, and to bring this post home, while the various Bookshelf Battle Blog characters won’t completely disappear this summer, I’m going to a) put much more effort into finishing How the West Was Zombed and b) when I feel the need to feast on the writing equivalent of Doritos and/or a fudge bar, I’m going to work on my guide to surviving a zombie apocalypse.
  • Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Bad Ass Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse will be written in my own quirky, humorous style.  Rants. Opinions. Nonsense.  Funny stuff.
  •  The best part? When I’m done there will be a minimal amount of editing. Sure, there will be rewrites, error fixing, additions and subtractions, tweaking but will I need to draw up a flow chart of who each character is, where they need to be at what time and so on? Nope. There will be no characters.  I’m the only character this book needs, baby.
  • So sit back, relax, and give me your feedback.  For the Summer of Bookshelf begins…wait for it…wait for it…hold on I need to take a casserole out of the oven…ok…now!
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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 97

For Miles, there was something strangely comforting about lying face down in the dirt. He was alive. And no one was bothering him.

He laid there long enough to relax and become a boy again.

He stood up. The thought crossed his mind that he could walk away from it all now.

Pa was right. He wasn’t cut out to be a fighter and there was no shame in admitting that to himself. His father hadn’t told him that to be mean but rather to save him from a life he wouldn’t be able to handle.

Now there was an opportunity for Miles to save himself.

Naked, bruised, bloody, aching all over, he put one foot in front of the other, heading South. Heading anywhere but Highwater.

Miss Bonnie would be fine, right?

Surely, that scrappy lady had a better chance at survival than anyone. But she was up against werewolves.

What about Miss Sarah? The odds of her surviving a werewolf kidnapping were a million to one.

All the images of what could be happening to the women Slade had trusted him to protect ran through his mind. He shuddered and tried to think of something else. Anything else.

He couldn’t. Worse, all he could think about was his hesitation. Would one smash to that random wolf’s face have made a difference?

Sure, he still would have had to face King Zeke, but perhaps he could have distracted him long enough for Miss Bonnie to run.

The boy stopped. He remembered his father’s words.

“Someday a Freeman will do something that will make all the shit we’ve been through worthwhile.”

The kid had taken those words to mean some Freeman way down the line, in a future so distant he couldn’t conceive of it.

Miles was a Freeman. The only male Freeman in his line.

His brain was undergoing some hearty calisthenics. He couldn’t exactly keep the Freeman family going if he died fighting werewolves that were stronger and more devious than he was, could he?

But then again, he wouldn’t set much of an example for his future, hypothetical, non-existent at the moment family if he forever had to tell them that when people needed him, he walked away.

Screw it. The boy wolfed out, pointed himself towards Highwater, and ran.

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How the West Was Zombed – A Note on Chapter 95


Recently, I wrote Chapter 95, in which the Major and the Corporal decide whether or not to disobey orders and allow a gaggle of people cross the bridge (thus escaping the zombie hordes) before it is blown up.

Doc rides onto the scene at the end, thus confirming the Major’s worry that a zombie might be amongst the crowd.

Doc, of course, is a higher functioning half-zombie.

Anyway, this won’t be 95.  I’m going to push this to later. Logistically, I don’t think Doc has had enough time to make it to the bridge yet.

Our story will pick up with Miles, and then we’ll find out what happened to Gunther and Slade.

I know. The 3.5 people reading this care more about Gunther than Slade.  Can’t blame them. Gunther has personality. Slade’s kind of an uber depressed pretty boy.

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The Funky Hunks – Greatest Hits Album


Read N’ Plenty (Known Today as Bookshelf Q. Battler, Proprietor of a Website With 3.5 Readers)

The Funky Hunks.  Bookshelf Q. Battler and Bernie Plotznick, or as you knew them back in the day, Read N’ Plenty and MC Plotz.

They were the most wholesome, least controversial rap duo ever assembled, and that’s why your moms listened to them more than you did.

Relive the late 1990’s again with these non-threatening songs:

  • “Get Yo Milk On, Sucka”
  • “Look Both Ways Before You Cross Da Street, Playa”
  • “Straight Up Recyclin'”
  • “Girl…We Should Get to Know Each Other in an Extended Courtship First”
  • “Damn Baby, I’mma Have Yo Ass Home By 10:30 P.M.”
  • “Hygiene, What’s It Mean?”
  • “Carrots B. Tas-tay”
  • “Word to Yo Toothbrush”
  • “Call Yo Damn Grandma, Fool”
  • “Tell That Stranger to Step Off”
  • “Fight 4 Da Right to Bedazzle”
  • “Homework Betta Recognize”
  • “Can’t a Dawg Get a Decent Pair of Slacks at a Reasonable Price Up in This Bitch?”
  • “Fs Go Away, I’m A Plussin Everday”
  • “Straight Outta Bean Dip”
  • “Me So Studious”
  • “Etiquette Yourself Before You Wrecketiquette Yourself”
  • “Cuz I Got High…On Life”
  • “Break Me Off a Piece of Dat Bran Muffin”
  • “Girl, I’mma Need Your Unequivocal, Verbalized Permission Before I Kiss You”
  • “I Wanna Be a Decent, Stand-Up Taxpaying Citizen So Friggin’ Bad”
  • “Put Yo Clothes On Girl, I Barely Know You”
  • “Mad Hella Fiber in My Diet, Son”
  • “If You Aint Floss, Yo Teeth Aint Clean, Sucka”
  • “Increasing Auto Insurance Rates Be Everyone’s Problem, Ya Heard?”
  • “Girl, I’mma Come Inside and Say Hello to Yo Pops Before I Take You to Da Movies and Keep My Hands to My Mutha Truckin’ Self Da Entire Time”
  • “Wheat Grass Aint No Joke”
  • “Straight Up Tippin Dat Hard Workin’ Waitress”
  • “Wash a Dish…Wipe a Dish”
  • “Bake a Cake for a Homeless Veteran, Cuz”
  • “I’mma Dream It, I’mma Do It”
  • “I Got 99 Problems But Bad Manners Aint One”
  • “Bustin Caps…on the Soda Bottle B4 It Go Flat”
  • “Damn It Feels Good to Turn Off a Light and Save My Parents Some Money on the Electric Bill”

All these hits and more, wherever wholesome late 90s rap songs are sold!

What were your favorite Funky Hunk jams? Post them in the comments!


MC Plotz

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How the West Was Zombed – The Beginning of the End


Howdy 3.5 cowpokes.

I’ve been dragging my feet lately because…well..we’re finally on the back nine.

Is Zombed going to end soon?

Nope. But we’re past the beginning and the middle and now, for the first time ever, I’m working on the end of a novel.

It’s a long end. A big end. My novel’s end got back.

So it’s taken me a bit.  Had to do some thinking. Make some decisions.  Specifically, I had to think about how each character’s personal story ends within the context of the book, as well as how/where they’ll be in the future (or do any of them have a future? muah ha ha?)

And amidst all that, I also have to set things up for the sequel – How the West Was Zombed Part II: The Quest to Fill Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Pockets with Mad Sticky Scrilla.

Hopefully, I’ll start back up again this weekend.  For those of you have tuned out or have just tuned in, follow along, will you?

As I said above, we aren’t close to being done yet, but we’re if this experience has been a flight, we’re on a slow descent toward our intended destination, so fasten your seat belts, put your tray tables in the upright position, and for the love of God stop playing candy crush.

I dare say these last few parts (which, not gonna lie, could still take me a couple more months) will be important to the overall project so come along with me on this ride and help me figure out how to make this book better…so I can stack cheese.

Did I say stack cheese? I meant uh…improve my art.

In all seriousness, I think good books and money making books are one in the same so your help will be greatly appreciated.

And for those of you who have been following along since the very beginning (and seriously, thank you for that) please tell me what YOU would like to see happen with the characters by the end.

Not gonna lie, I already know what’s happening to everyone but I’d still enjoy your input.

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