Bookshelf Battle

“God created war so that Americans would learn geography. The devil created zombies so that Western Americans would practice their calisthenics.”

And so, as the American West Continued to Be Zombed throughout the late 1800s, Samuel Langhorne Clemens, better known to readers by his pen name, Mark Twain, refused to be deterred from embracing his life long love affair with the written word.

Hidden away in his residence with the doors and windows boarded up and a carving knife at the ready to make quick work of any intruders, be they zombie or ill-mannered human, Mr. Twain persisted in memorializing his thoughts on the zombie menace for future generations to enjoy:

• “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. Of course, if this person turns out to be a zombie, make it a priority to blow its brains out.”

• “Books are for people who wish they were someone else. Alas, zombies have no use for them, for they are so miserably stupid.”

• “Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. Now imagine that you are a zombified Congressman. But I repeat myself thrice now.”

• “In a good book room, you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in all the books through your skin, without even opening them. Enjoy the feeling while it lasts, for no doubt a hideous zombie will jump out from betwixt the book stacks and scare the living daylights out of you.”

• “If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man. As for zombies, they will bite the shit out of you whether or not you try to feed them cow brains as a substitute for human brains. Zombies are truly ungrateful pricks.”

• “I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened. My tales of zombie homicide, for example, are voraciously true.”

• “Education is the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty. Oh how I wish I had never been educated about zombies.”

• “A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. Meanwhile, a zombie is a rotten fellow who wants to consume your brain.”

• “Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. I doubt the zombie brains I have stomped upon have shed much in the way of forgiveness upon my boot heel.”

• “Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most. I suspect a filthy zombie has devoured it.”

• “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. If there is ever a third, it will be the glorious day upon which we learn that all of the zombies have up and died.”

• “The human race has only two really effective weapons: laughter and shovels to aid us in the bashing of zombie brains.”

• “Never argue with stupid zombies. They will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”

• “Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day…unless you run into a disgusting zombie.”

• “I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a zombie should ever challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him, most likely by punching him in the brain.”

• “I haven’t any right to criticize books, and I don’t do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticize Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can’t conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Every time I read Pride and Prejudice I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone and then shout, ‘Die again, zombie bitch!’”

EDITORIAL NOTE: Yeah, that last quote is all Twain except for the “Die again, zombie bitch!” part at the end. His original quote ended with “shin-bone.” The Twainster was not a fan of Jane Austen apparently.