The Illiad Rebooted – Chapter 4

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“Will you look at this?” Odysseus said as he walked towards the royal family. “The most powerful people in Sparta all lined up to greet me and….ughhh!”

The traveler went crosseyed and orgasmed upon spotting Helen.

“Helen!” Odysseus said as he averted his eyes. “You’re looking even more fly than when I last saw you but jeez, Louise! By the spear of Ares, someone put a bell on this babe before I waste more seed.”

“Oh Odysseus,” Helen said as she hugged the traveler. “You haven’t lost your quick wit.”

“Ack!” Odysseus yelled as he went crosseyed and doubled over. “Are you trying to kill me, woman? I…I…and…nope…I’m empty. Its nothing but cobwebs and sadness coming out down there until I reload. Dioscuri!”

Castor and Pollux embraced their good friend.

“Oh the shit we got into back in the day,” Odysseus said. “What in the underworld have you two dong sniffers been up to?”

“Rescuing Helen from perverts,” Castor said.

“Crusty old fucks, most recently,” Pollux added.

“Yeesh,” Odysseus said. “That sounds like a real grind.”

The traveler playfully pretended to shadowbox the king. “Old Man Tyndareus!”

“Odysseus,” the king said as he embraced the young man. “You grace us with your presence.”

“Oh stop it you old softy,” Odysseus said. The traveler clutched his chest as he looked at the queen.

“Well poke my eye out and call me a cyclops!” Odysseus said. “Tyndareus, you didn’t tell me you had such a young and attractive sister.”

Leda smirked and hugged the visitor. “You know very well who I am, young man.”

“How could forget the sexiest MILF in the Mediterranean?” Odysseus asked.

“You’re looking well, Odysseus,” the queen said. “How is your father?.”

“Ugh!” Odysseus said. “Don’t get me started! He depends on me more and more these days. And I get it. I’m a dashing prince. Accomplished adventurer. Skilled sailor. Renowned explorer. Legendary monster slayer. Highly trained soldier. All this shit on my resume while I’m still in my early twenties and you’d think these experiences would have prepared me to become Ithaca’s greatest champion but I’m telling you, its a real drag.”

“Your father chose his champion well, Odysseus,” Tyndareus said.

“Yes he did, if I do say so myself,” Odysseus replied. “But check it. I have gots to gets me some R and R, some Z’s, a little ‘me’ time if you please, you dig?”

“I’m not sure I follow,” Tyndareus said.

“I have been championing the shit out of Ithaca for a couple years now and I am spent,” Odysseus said. “So much so that I started longing for the summers I spent here in Sparta as a boy with my good friends, the Dioscuri, and decided to seek a few weeks’ refuge with you fine folks, my veritable second family.”

“You’re more than welcome to stay,” the queen said.

“You sure you don’t mind?” Odysseus asked. “I’m not asking for much. Just a little food to gnosh, a bed to crash on, maybe take the boys off your hands for a night or two of drunken debauchery when they aren’t busy rescuing Helen Hotpants over there.”

“Odysseus,” Helen said. “You’re positively terrible!”

“Whoa, whoa!” Odysseus said as he turned his head away from Helen. “That’s enough of that! You’re going to turn me into a walking prune, girl!”

“We are glad to have you,” Tyndareus said. “In fact, a rather sensitive matter has come up that I must speak to my sons about and I would appreciate your wise counsel.”

“No problem, Pops,” Odysseus said. “What, are the Dioscuri playing with themselves too much? I told you guys that would turn you insane!”

“Oh, like you’ve never done it,” Castor said.

The royal family dispersed and Odysseus found himself face to face with Penelope. The traveler’s mood went from playful to somber.

“Penny,” Odysseus said.

“Odysseus,” Penelope said as she rested her hands on her hips and tapped her foot on the dock.

“Damn girl,” Odysseus said. “You’re really filling out that toga these days.”

Wack! Penelope’s dainty hand left a red mark on Odysseus’s cheek.

“What’d I do?” the traveler asked.

“The next time you tell a girl you love her, send her a scroll once in awhile.”

Penelope stormed off as Odysseus gave chase.

“Aww come on, baby,” Odysseus said. “Don’t do me like that! Whoa mama, I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave.”

“Shut up!” Penelope said.

“You could build an acropolis on that thing!” Odysseus remarked.

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2 thoughts on “The Illiad Rebooted – Chapter 4

  1. Moony says:

    Hilariously entertaining!

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