Daily Archives: April 17, 2017

Toilet Gator – Chapter 16

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The tapioca pudding wiggled and jiggled as Dolores Nelson’s boney old hand slowly moved the spoon up to her mouth. Agents Walker and Bishop sat with the old lady in the nursing home’s cafeteria. It was late and they were the only three people in the entire room.

“I’m surprised you’re able to eat after what happened,” Sharon said.

“Oh honey,” Dolores said as she dropped a dollop of pudding on her lip. She didn’t notice and just left it there while she continued to eat. “When you get to be my age, you lose the ability to give a shit. For all I know I could die tomorrow and if that’s the case then I’m not going to miss out on what could very well be my last pudding cup ever.”

“Touche,” Sharon replied.

Gordon stared the old gal down. The old gal stared back.

Wham! Gordon pounded his fist on the table. “Let’s cut to the chase, ya’ old bag. Did you do it?”

Dolores appeared confused. “Do what?”

“Calm on!” Gordon shouted. “Don’t play coy with me.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, young man,” Dolores said.

“You killed Herbert Hogan, didn’t you?” Gordon asked. “You eighty-sixed him! Put him under for the deep sleep, the long nap, the eternal siesta!”

Dolores clutched her pearls. “You…you think I had something to do with this?”

“I’ve been working murder cases for years and nine times out of ten the perp is always someone the victim was bumping uglies with,” Gordon said. “So what happened? Old Herb found an ugly to bump that was better than yours?”

The old lady’s eyes looked up and to the right. She took her time thinking about the question. “Not that I know of. I’m pretty much the hottest piece of ass in this joint, copper, but then again, that slut Estelle has been known to parade around in her adult diapers like some kind of common streetwalker.”

Gordon wagged his finger at Dolores. “That’s the ticket. Herb got himself way to deep in Estelle’s disposable underpants and you couldn’t take it, could you? It drove you wild with rage! It left you beside yourself with anger! You lost control and you grabbed a big blunt object and beat old Herb into oblivion!”

“No!” Dolores said. “Never!”

Wham! Gordon slammed the table again. “Admit it!”

“I admit nothing!” Dolores said. “Oink, oink, piggy!”

“And then,” Gordon said. “When you saw what you had done, you went berserk and you smashed the toilet and destroyed the water pipe. Just come clean you decrepit old hag. You’ll feel a lot better.”

Dolores set down the spoon and the pudding cup and held out her shaky hands. “Sonny, it just took me a half hour to get one spoonful of pudding out of a cup and into my face. You think I have the kind of strength it would take to beat a man to death?”

Gordon seethed with rage. Sharon patted her partner on the back, a sign that she was tagging herself in.

“Let’s try a different approach,” Sharon said.

A pile of napkins sat on the table. Sharon picked one up and dabbed the pudding off of the old lady’s chin. “I’m sorry, but that was bothering me.”

“Oh, thank you dear,” Dolores said.

Sharon picked up the cup, spooned up some pudding and brought it towards Dolores’ mouth. The old gal hesitated at first, but then she opened her mouth and ate the gooey goodness.

“Dolores,” Sharon said. “Did you have a job when you were younger?”

“Sure did,” Dolores said proudly. “I was a hooker!”

Gordon threw his hands up in the air. “That explains everything. Come on, we can’t trust a word this old bitty says.”

“A meat hooker,” Dolores said. “Worked at a meat packing plant in Wisconsin for thirty years. The slabs of beef would come in off the truck and I’d put them on hooks and send them on down the assembly line.”

Sharon smiled at Gordon. “You probably had to do some things you didn’t agree with on the job, right?”

“Oh sure,” Dolores said. “Sometimes I’d run out of hooks and I’d tell the boss, ‘If you want me to be a good hooker then you need to give me the supplies I need to the be the best damn hooker in this entire place.’”

Gordon placed his elbow on the table and leaned his chin on his hand, taking in the story as a spectator.

“We have to do things like that too,” Sharon said. “We don’t think you killed Herbert but we need to ask you if you did because eventually our boss will want to know if we asked you.”

“Oh,” Dolores said. “That makes more sense.”
Sharon spooned another glob of pudding into the old gal’s yap.

“I like you better than that shit for brains that was just here a minute ago, dear,” Dolores said.

“He’s still here,” Sharon said.

Dolores looked at Gordon. “Oh right. I knew that.”

“Let’s just get this out of the way,” Sharon said. “Did you kill Herb, Dolores?”

“And relieve my hey-nanner-nanner of his beautiful tongue tsunamis?” Dolores asked. “Not on your life, sweetheart.”

“Do you know who killed him?” Dolores asked. “Was there anyone who didn’t like him?”

“I can’t think of anyone,” Dolores said. “He kept to himself, mostly. He never bothered anyone.”

Sharon stirred the pudding. “Dolores, while you and Herb were…”

“Tripping the light fantastic?” Dolores asked.

“Sure,” Sharon said. “Did you see anyone come in your room.”

“Oh,” Dolores said. “I was the only one cumming in that room, honey.”

Gordon put the top of his fist up to his mouth to quell a dry heave.

“My love biscuit may have seen better days but it’s not ready to quit just yet,” Dolores said.

“Let me try asking this another way,” Sharon said. “No one else entered your room?”

“Nope,” Dolores said. “The only thing that entered was Herbert’s tongue…into my quivering puddle of lady jelly.”

Gordon looked away. On the cafeteria wall, there was a poster of a cat hanging onto a tree branch by its paws with the slogan, “Hang in there” printed underneath. Gordon tried his best to do just that.

“How are your eyes?” Sharon asked. “Do you see well?”

Dolores adjusted her glasses. “These seem to work but sometimes I have a hard time making things out.”

Sharon held up two fingers. “How many fingers am I holding up?”

Dolores squinted at Sharon’s fingers. She hemmed and hawed until she finally blurted out, “Four?”

“Useless,” Gordon said.

“Aww, shut up, shit for brains!” Dolores said.

“Stop jerking us around!” Gordon shouted.

Dolores performed a King Kong style fist thump on her chest. “You wanna go, piggy?”

“Oh,” Gordon said. “You think I won’t throw down with you just because you were born during the Woodrow Wilson administration?”

“Screw you and screw that spindly prick and his League of Nations!”

Sharon patted her partner on the shoulder, then spooned more pudding into Dolores’ pie hole, calming both adversaries down quickly.

“Let’s focus here,” Sharon said. “So OK, Dolores. You don’t see very well but, let’s say that a man with a woodchipper or a chainsaw or some big weapon were to walk into your room. You think you’d be able to see him?”

“What the hell kind of question is that?” Dolores asked.

“Just a theory I’m working on,” Sharon said.

“Of course,” Dolores said. “Sometimes, everything’s a bit blurry, but I can see you…”

Dolores pointed to Gordon. “…and I can see that giant gorilla you stuffed into a suit to make him like mildly presentable.”

Dolores looked around the room. “I can see tables and chairs and vending machines…”

“Right,” Sharon said. “So if a man with a big knife or something were in your room, you’d be able to realize he’s there?”

“I’d probably shit my pants,” Dolores said. “More so than usual.”

Sharon looked to her partner. Gordon nodded.

“I think we’re done here,” Sharon said.

Ted the orderly had been waiting in the back of the room the entire time. He helped Dolores up.

“Say, coppers?” Dolores said.

“Yes?” Sharon said.
“When you find that lousy, no-good son of a bitch that did in my Herbert, kick him in the balls for me, will you?”

“Sounds like you really loved him,” Sharon said.

“Well,” Dolores said. “Love is a complicated concept at my age, dear. Sure, I was fond of Herb, but what I really loved was straddling his sweet face like it was a wild, bucking bronco and holding on for dear life until completion.”

Gordon looked to Ted and pointed at the door. “Get her out of here.”

As soon as the parters were alone, they stood up.

“What a waste of time,” Gordon said.

“Not necessarily,” Sharon said. “We’ve got confirmation that in both cases, the suspect managed to sneak in and completely obliterate the victim without being seen.”

“You have an odd way of finding the bright side,” Gordon said.

“Beats being stuck in the dark side,” Sharon replied.

Gordon headed for the door. Sharon followed.

“Off to Sitwell,” Gordon said.

“Yeah,” Sharon said. “About that. There’s something about Sitwell I have to tell you about.”

“Oh?” Gordon asked.

“Actually,” Sharon said. “Make that more like someone.”

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A Note On Toilet Gator

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Writing a book is a lot like running a marathon.

I’m not talking about stamina.  I’m talking about dealing with mishaps along the way.

Suppose you’re running a marathon and you drop your keys.  You don’t realize until your five miles away from where you dropped them.

Are you going to circle back and look for them or are you going to keep going?

You’ve got to keep going if you want to get across that finish line.  Cross the line, then take a breath, get in the car and go back and look for them.

Same with writing.  You think of something that would have been good after you write certain chapters.

Should you go back and change those chapters?  Not necessarily.  You could…but you might realize other changes need to be made down the line.  You’ll be rewriting chapters forever.

So here’s my note.

I didn’t think at first how Natalie finds out that there are other “murders” with similar circumstances.  I decided too late that she would be getting mysterious text messages.  So, in the rewrite, I’ll have to add that earlier.

This note is more or less for me…though if you are one of the 3.5 people actually reading the chapters, there’s some info for you.

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Movie Review – The Fate of the Furious (2017)

Dom goes rogue?  Say it ain’t so!

BQB here with a review of the eighth, count ’em, eighth installment of the Fast and the Furious franchise.

Holy crap.  Eight films.  That’s 4.5 more films than I have readers.

You’d think these things would be getting stale by now, but honestly, they’re just getting warmed up.  Fast Five brought in the Rock to resurrect the franchise.  Fast Six and Seven were good times but Fast Eight?  Wow.  Holy crap did they up their game.

Our tale begins with Dom (Vin Diesel) on a honeymoon with new wife Letty (Michelle Rodriguez) in Cuba.  Evil cyber terrorist Cipher, played the ever boner inducing Charlize Theron, tracks Dom down with some kind of leverage that leaves Dom with no choice but to betray his beloved Fast and Furious team members and become Cipher’s evil errand boy.

What drama!  Fan favorites Ludacris (Tej) and Tyrese (Roman) return.  The Rock kicks ass as always.  Jason Statham blows the doors off the whole shebang.  Game of Thrones fans will be happy to see Nathalie Emmanuel aka Missandei return as computer hacker Ramsey, while Kristofer Hivju aka Tormund Giantsbane gets a role as a villain.

Longtime cast member, the late Paul Walker, is truly missed and one can only imagine the awesomeness he would have brought to the screen.  His character, Brian, still exists in the film but obviously, only to be talked about by the team.

Kurt Russell returns as the mysterious, super classified government agent, Mr. Nobody only this time, he has a young protege, the still wet behind the ears rookie dubbed, “Little Nobody” played by Clint’s son, Scott Eastwood.  The character is funny and suffers tremendously from the non-stop B.S. thrown at him by an unruly team he’s trying to control.  There was a part of me that wondered if he was thrown into the mix to replace Paul Walker as the team’s boy scoutish, clean cut law enforcement member, but Eastwood does hold his own.

The stunts!  The spectacles!  We don’t go to see these movies for the plot.  We go for the thrill ride.  The film features some of the most visually stunning, badass, and yes, even smart action sequences in the franchise.

All that being said, the plot, while peppered with the occasional hole, is one of the better ones of the franchise, filled with all sorts of twists and turns.  After all, Dom and his team go up against each other, so that’s bound to create some on-screen theatrics.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Fast Five was when the franchise really hit its stride and figured out its formula.  Gratuitous scantily clad women, beautiful tropical locations, rap music, big guns, fast cars – all the stuff of the wet dream of any red blooded, heterosexual American male.  Whenever I watch one of these films I feel my testosterone surge and I’m left with the need to hump something, anything!  Woe unto the first leg I find!  OK, maybe I don’t get that out of control, but it’s still super intense.  You must see it on the big screen.

Has there ever been a franchise that’s still going this strong after eight films?  Leave it in the comments if you can think of one.  Until then, keep ’em coming, Fast and Furious crew.  Keep ’em coming.

Movie Review – Exodus: Gods and Kings (2014)

Let my 3.5 readers go!

No, wait.  Bring my 3.5 readers back.  If they leave, then no one will read this terrible blog.

BQB here with a review of Exodus: Gods and Kings.

It’s Easter night and you know what that means.  Eating copious amounts of candy and watching the story of Moses.  For the longest time, you were able to watch The Ten Commandments with Charlton Heston or since 2014, you can watch the Christian Bale version, Exodus:  Gods and Kings.

Yup, I’m a few years late in reviewing this film but hey, better late than never and I figure I might as well review it while I’m watching it.

This film is visually stunning.  It’s a little surprising it didn’t get an Oscar love.  I mean, I still can’t believe that pile of crap Birdman won an Oscar but this film didn’t get much recognition.

The interesting part of this film is that it is told to suit a modern audience.

Oh wait, you’re probably all heathens who don’t know any of this shit so let me give you the synopsis.

Baby Moses is floated down the river and honestly, I forget why.  Maybe his parents were in trouble.  Maybe someone was after Moses.  Maybe his parents were crackheads.  At any rate, when the little guy reaches shore, he’s found by the Egyptian royal family and adopted as the son of the Pharaoh.

Moses grows up and lives the life of a wealthy, arrogant Egyptian royal family member, looking down upon the poor and downtrodden, especially the Jews, who are whipped and beaten and used as slave labor to build the pyramids and shit.

Later, Moses learns that he is, in fact, Jewish, and suddenly he starts to feel bad about how the Jews are being treated.  God speaks to him via a burning bush.  The Pharaoh has died and Moses’ adopted brother, Ramses, becomes the Pharaoh.

The burning bush tells Moses to pass along a message to Ramses.  Sorry if I botch the message, but its basically, “Let my people (the Jews) go, or shit’s about to go down.”

Ramses scoffs at this.  He’s the mighty Pharaoh after all.  So God follows through.  Plagues, pestilence, frogs, locusts, all kinds of heinous shit happens to the Egyptians.  Even their first born sons are all killed.

Tired of all the bullshit, Ramses lets the Jews go, then thinks better of it, and sends his Army to recapture them.  Moses, now a mighty right hand of God, uses his power to part the Red Sea, allowing the Jews to escape to safety and then brings it down on the Egyptians, drowning them.

Boo-yah!  Sorry, but someone needed to bring that Pharaoh down a peg.

Anyway, I apologize if I got that story wrong but that’s the gist that’s in my mind anyway.

The Charlton Heston version provides a fairly true to the bible version.

This new version, Exodus, keeps the modern, skeptical viewer in mind.  There isn’t a whole lot of magic in the movie but rather, room to speculate and ponder.

For example, all the locusts and pestilence and kids dying could be God, or it could just all be the result of bizarre natural occurrences.  The times were bad and people lived in lousy, unsanitary conditions, so its not that surprising that a lot of kids would die or that a bunch of bugs would show up.

Moses (Bale) tells Ramses that this is all legit, that all the bad shit that’s going down is because of God.  Ramses accuses Moses of being a crazy charlatan, that he’s somehow bringing all the plagues and killing all the kids just so he can steal all his slaves.

As a viewer, you’re free to think either option.

Meanwhile, there’s no burning bush but rather, a boy who a) is definitely God who has taken the form of a boy to speak to Moses or b) a very religious boy who thinks he speaks for God or c) the result of some hallucination Moses is experiencing.  Again, your choice.

Further, the Red Sea is parted.  Moses might have done it…or it might have just been a giant tidal wave caused by super bad weather.

In other words, maybe Moses had powers and maybe he was God’s right hand man in freeing his people…or maybe Moses just lucked his way through a series of bizarre events and coincidences that made it look like he was working for God but in fact, just stumbled his way to glory.

I don’t know, man.  I wasn’t there.  All in all, it’s an interesting retelling and preserves the story for a new generation.

STATUS: Shelfworthy.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Should A Navy Seal Be Fired for Appearing in Porn?

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

Have you seen this story going around?  Here’s the New York Daily News article on it.

The summary:  A U.S. Navy seal is in hot water for “acting” in pornographic movies.

Should he be in trouble over this?

Let’s discuss.

In theory, there’s a part of me that wants to congratulate any dude who can turn getting it on with hot chicks into a paying job.

Also, Navy Seals are trained to be in peak physical condition.  They get dropped into the worst places on earth and are expected to pull off nearly impossible missions.

With all that, the dudes deserve some boo-tay.  Frankly, being able to pick up hot chicks with tales of daring do is like one of the top reasons to even become a Navy Seal in the first place.

Alternatively, he does work in a very important position.  I can’t say this for sure but I mean, if Navy seals have to do all kinds of highly classified, top secret work, then appearing in any kind of movies, porno or otherwise, doesn’t seem like a good idea.

I mean, let’s face it.  Super buff and studly Army men bang hot chicks.  That’s why you become a super buff and studly Army dude.  Army uniforms are like catnip for hot chicks.

But bang the hot chicks  off camera where there is plausible deniability and you can still hold yourself out as a person of great moral character when the chips are down.

At any rate, I don’t want to criticize the guy because hell, it’s not like I ever trained myself to become a one man war machine capable of dropping twenty bad guys with my pinky finger.  What he did is highly inadvisable, but if there’s a way to let him off with a slap on the wrist that would be OK with this nerd.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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