Daily Archives: April 2, 2017

Game of Thrones – Season 7 Trailer – The Long Walk

Hey 3.5 readers.  The season we’ve waited so long for is finally here.  John Snow vs. Cersei vs. the Khaleesi vs. the Whitewalkers.

You know we’ve been hoping that John Snow and the Khaleesi will take shit over and bring Westeros into a new age of peace and prosperity, but given what we know of George R.R. Martin’s penchant for surprises, aliens will probably land and blow everything up right at the end or something.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Toilet Gator – Chapter 7

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Walt sat between the open doors in the back of the news van, his legs dangling over the bumper as a he held an ice pack on his crotch. As he struggled to cope with the pain, he overheard Natalie on the phone, speaking to his union representative.

“Eighty-three forms?” Natalie asked. “But…but…uh…I understand but listen…no..listen to me. I’m going to try to explain this as clearly as possible. I require the services of a cameraman and this imbecile has no idea how to operate a video camera…uh huh…right but…how many hearings? Oh…fine…fine. You win.”

Natalie swiped the hang up button on her phone and patted Walt on the shoulder. “I’m sorry I kicked you, Walt. I don’t know what came over me. I’ve never lost control before.”
“I understand,” Walt said as he adjusted the ice pack. “You did warn me.”

“I hope you’ll still be able to father children,” Natalie said.

“Eh,” Walt said. “Who’d want a kid that looks like me anyway?”

Natalie leaned up against the van. “Walk me through this, will you?”

“I’ll try,” Walt said.

“You’re a fully trained camera man,” Natalie said.

“I am,” Walt replied.

“You’ve recorded footage in Iraq, Afghanistan, war zones all over the world as well as at home,” Natalie said.

“Yes,” Walt said.

“For twenty years,” Natalie said. “Long, long before they stuck me with you.”

“Right,” Walt said.

“But now, all of a sudden…what?” Natalie asked. “You can’t work a camera anymore?”

“I can,” Walt said.

Natalie slapped her forehead. “Then why won’t you?”

Walt coughed into his fist. “I’m tired.”

Natalie shook her head. “Excuse me?”

“I’m exhausted,” Walt said. “I’m getting old. I’m worn out. I’ve been to every hellhole in the world, holding the camera as one hot ass blonde chick with big titties after another berates me. When they assigned me to you, I thought it would be a cushy gig, that they wouldn’t give you much work to do on account of the fact that…”

“I’m not a hot ass blonde chick with big titties?” Natalie asked.

“Correct,” Walt said. “I thought like maybe they’d let you cover the county fair or something once in a blue moon you know, just to keep the feminists happy so they can be all like, ‘Hey, we’re not always just about the hot ass blonde chicks with big titties! We let brunettes with small titties on air too!’ But then you turned out to be a go getter.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Natalie inquired.

“You work hard, kid,” Walt said. “You’ve got Moxie. One day you’re covering a gang shootout. The next you’re chasing down corrupt politicians. And the whole time you expect me to keep up with you. I can’t do it.”

“Maybe we can get you transferred to a less ambitious reporter,” Natalie said.

“Nah,” Walt replied. “There isn’t one. Everyone in the news game thinks they’re the next big sensation. All reporters, even the ones who aren’t hot and don’t have blonde hair or big titties are hoping to make it big. I realize that now. If I transfer to another reporter, she’ll just make me run around behind too.”

“But that’s your job!” Natalie said.

“I know,” Walt replied. “But I don’t want it to be anymore. I want to be forced into early retirement so…”

Natalie stepped back. “You fail on purpose?”

Walt nodded. “Yes.”

“But why?” Natalie asked.

“Because I want to be forced into early retirement,” Walt said. “A hot ass blonde chick reporter gets put out to pasture by thirty and gets to write books about her time as a hot ass blonde chick reporter for the rest of her life. Me? They’ll work me until the morning of my funeral. I thought if I screwed up enough on purpose I’d get an HR rep demanding that I take an early retirement package but I’m union so…”

“It’s impossible for you to be let go,” Natalie said. “Your union rep told me I’d have to file eighty-three separate forms just in order to convene a hearing to discuss the issue.”

“Yeah,” Walt said. “Gotta love the bureaucracy. All that red tape protects the competent.”

Natalie took a seat next to her cameraman. “You cost me my footage. I had the inside scoop on a celebrity murder and you blew it for me.”

Walt looked down at his shoes. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“Look Walt,” Natalie said. “I can see you’ve been through a lot in your life, but I need you to pull it together.”

“I don’t know if I can,” Walt said. “The more screw-ups I rack up, the more likely it is I’ll get a retirement package. It’ll take at least ten thousand screw-ups before that happens, so I need to start getting a documented history of failure now.”

Natalie stood up and slapped Walt across the face.

“Ow!” Walt shouted. He dropped his ice bag, then immediately felt pain surge through his groin, which he quickly grabbed. “Ow!”

“Now, you listen to me,” Natalie said. “We are covering the biggest story of the year, here. Maybe of the decade, nay, the century! War? Schmore. Famine? Schmamine. Sure, everyone pretends to care when a bunch of kids in some far off country don’t have enough fresh water to drink but what really causes people to pay attention is the death of a celebrity! And we don’t just have a celebrity death on our hands. We have a murder! We were the first ones on the scene and if we keep working this story, there’s no telling how far we could go.”

“You mean, how far you could go,” Walt said.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Natalie asked.

“Everyone always remembers the reporter who broke a big story,” Walt said. “No one ever remembers the cameraman.”

“That’s not true,” Natalie said.

“Really?” Walt asked. “Name a famous cameraman.”

Natalie tapped a finger against her cheek as she thought about the question. “There was that guy…umm…and the…you’re right. I’ve got nothing.”

“No, you don’t,” Walt said. “And thus, there’s no incentive for me to try to help you. There is, however, plenty of incentive for me to keep screwing up because when my ten thousandth screw-up is logged, there will be a hearing to discuss sending me on my merry way and maybe, just maybe, that’ll end up with me with a nice pension check and a delicious fruity drink with an umbrella in it in my hand as I sunbathe on a beach in the Caribbean.”

Natalie closed her eyes, counted to ten, then opened them. “I can’t believe I’m offering this but…”

“I’m listening,” Walt said.

“I can’t get you on camera,” Natalie said.

“I don’t want to be on camera,” Walt replied. “I’m too old. Too fat. That’s a young person’s game.”

“I can promise you that if I ever write a book about this, I’ll give you a co-author credit,” Natalie said.

Walt looked up. “Huh. Now you’re talking. Wait…do I have to write anything?”

“Nope,” Natalie replied. “I’ll write it all and we’ll split the profits sixty-forty.”

“Fifty-fifty,” Walt said.

“Do you want another kick to the balls?” Natalie asked.

“Not especially,” Walt said. “Fine. Sixty-forty it is. But I want to be interviewed by a hot ass blonde chick with big titties.”

“I thought you just said you don’t want to be on camera,” Natalie said.

“I don’t,” Walt replied. “But I’ve always wanted to stare at one of the hot ass blonde chick reporter’s big titties. I’ve never had a chance to really enjoy looking at them because I’m always working on the camera.”

Natalie sighed. “Well, if I ever get that kind of pull, I will arrange for you to be interviewed by the hottest blonde chick with the biggest titties I can find. Deal?”

“Deal,” Walt said.

“Will you do your job now?” Natalie asked.

“Yes,” Walt said as he hopped out of the van. He examined his camera. “This piece of junk will never do, though. I’m going to have to get my hands on an XYS Panastatic Pro, preferably with a Nantuzasaki refracting lens and an infrared flare.”

“I knew there was a cameraman in you somewhere, Walt,” Natalie said. “Especially because you look like you’ve eaten three of them.”

Walt headed to the driver’s side of the van. “Let’s roll, woman. There’s a celebrity murderer on the loose.”

“Thank God your head is finally in the game,” Natalie said. She was about to jump into the passenger’s seat when her phone buzzed. She looked at the screen. The name she saw made her heart jump: “Manley, Kurt.”

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Toilet Gator – Network News One Transcript #2

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Network News One Transcript #2

KURT MANLEY, NN1 ANCHOR: …witnesses on the scene reported that a grand total of forty-nine orphans died in the fiery plane crash. It would have been a cool fifty had the fiftieth orphan not had the foresight to feast on the charred remains of his tiny companions, thus giving his body the much needed nutrition it required in order to stave off hunger until the rescue team arrived. We here at Network News One wish little Timmy a speedy recovery and may God one day grant this tyke the mental strength necessary to push the unspeakable acts of cannibalism he committed in order to save his own oily hide aside so that he will be able to live a productive and prosperous life. In other news, a civil war has broken out in the third world nation of “NoOneCanPronounceThisShittyCountry’sName-istan.” Reporting live from the war zone is our own Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties, are you there?

(Cut to a bombed out, depleted battlefield. A beautiful, blue eyed, buxom blonde woman stands in the middle of the wasteland, wearing a helmet and holding a microphone. Her flak jacket is zipped low so as to reveal copious cleavage).

HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Thank you, Kurt. I’m coming to you from “NoOneCanPronounceThisShittyCountry’sName-istan,” risking my life to bring you the latest updates from the front.

(Bullets whiz inches over the reporter’s helmet. Off in the distance, a missile hits a building, causing it to explode).

KURT MANLEY: God bless, Hot Ass Chick with Big Titties. How did this war break out?

HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Well, Kurt, tensions have long been on the rise between the country’s two rival factions, the “DoWhatWeSayorTakeaMacheteUpYourTaint-tarians” and the “ObeyUsOrGetanRPGUpTheButt-ians.” The UN has attempted for several years to broker a peace deal between the leaders of these opposing movements, but alas, both sides have different viewpoints on how the country should be run.

KURT MANLEY: Please explain, Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties.

HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Scholars and historians have written extensively on the various nuances surrounding this conflict, but it basically boils down to the fact that the “DoWhatWeSayorTakeaMacheteUpYourTaint-tarians” believe that everyone should do what they say or take a machete to their taints, whereas the “ObeyUsOrGetanRPGUpTheButt-ians” maintain that people should obey them, lest they get a rocket propelled grenade up the butt.

(A tank rolls across the horizon, far behind the reporter.)

KURT MANLEY: Fascinating. We’ll be checking back with you throughout the day for further developments, Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. Stay safe, and protect your titties.

HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Thanks Kurt. I will.

KURT MANLEY: In other news, a tractor trailer truck full of adorable baby kittens has rolled over on the freeway just outside of Milwaukee…

(Cut to footage of an overturned tractor trailer truck on the highway with thousands of kittens pouring out of the back of the trailer. Police and firemen chase the kittens, scooping them up in their arms).

KURT MANLEY: Here to report on this situation is Another Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. Another Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties, are you there?
(Yet another beautiful blonde, blue eyed woman appears on screen. She wears business attire that shows copious cleavage. She holds a fluffy, wide-eyed kitten in her arm and her microphone in her free hand).

ANOTHER HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: I’m here, Kurt. There’s pussy, pussy everywhere as Route 55 has been flooded with fancy felines. Although the toxicology reports have not yet come back from the state lab, authorities believe the accident was the result of the driver attempting to inject a liquefied form of black market horse erection medication directly into his veins while trying to merge onto an offramp at the same time. Horse erection medication is a controlled substance and of course, using it while driving is a criminal offense.

KURT MANLEY: It sure is, Another Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. Of course, I only know that for news reporting purposes and only news reporting purposes.

ANOTHER HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: Now, the authorities are doing everything they can to round up these rambunctious little rascals but they say it’s like, well, trying to herd cats. In fact, the state highway patrol’s office has stated that anyone who wants a free pet is welcome to come on down and grab a pussy. Grab as many pussies as you want, two or three at a time if you want. All of these pussies are up for grabs.

KURT MANLEY: Isn’t that something? Thank you, Another Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. Keep us update on this very important story and let us know when all of those pussies have been grabbed.

ANOTHER HOT ASS BLONDE CHICK WITH BIG TITTIES: I sure will, Kurt.

(Cut to Kurt, back in the studio.)

KURT MANLEY: In sports, the quarterback of the East Randomtown Mascots shot his balls off last night when the firearm he had illegally concealed in his sweatpants went off accidentally. Word has it that the Mascots might fine the quarterback ten thousand dollars, a palpable hit to his multi-million dollar salary. We go now to…oh wait…hold on, folks…

(Kurt presses his finger against his earpiece and nods).

KURT MANLEY: That story about the ball shooter will have to wait. Ladies and gentlemen, I have terrible news. Drop whatever you are doing, send the kids out of the room and sit down. Maybe pour yourself a brandy to take the edge of. Say a prayer to your preferred deity, then do some yoga. Maybe engage in some meditation and self-reflection. Do whatever you need to do to prepare for this shocking news: a celebrity has died. I repeat, “a celebrity has died.” Someone who entertained you is no longer alive and although you never met this person or had any idea what this person was like off camera, you should feel like a pile of rotten garbage right now. You should weep uncontrollably, take the next week off of work to mourn, and above all us, write ten thousand posts on Lifebox about your favorite memories of this artist.

(Kurt shuffles some papers. He appears choked up.)
KURT MANLEY: Now America, we here at Network News One pride ourselves on having the hottest blonde reporters with the biggest titties, but as you know, the news happens when it happens. It doesn’t check with our schedule first. We’re doing our best to get a Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties to work this story but for now, our affiliate reporter, Natalie Brock, will have to do. Everyone, please try to ignore Natalie’s frumpy school marm hairdo and those mosquito bites she tries to pass off as knockers. Natalie’s obviously one of those people who got into the news business because someone, somewhere told her she was smart or something and it never dawned on her that she just doesn’t quite have the look. Even so, she’s very brave for appearing on TV with her looks and is a real trooper in my book. Natalie, what’s going on?

(Cut to Natalie Brock, standing outside the Sunnyside Arena. Police cars and ambulances with flashing lights are stationed behind her).

NATALIE BROCK: Kurt, sad news in the music industry tonight as Sally Ann Dubawitz, better known to the world as pop star sensation Countess Cucamonga, has been murdered at the age of twenty-eight.

KURT MANLEY: Sweet Jesus!

NATALIE BROCK: I know. It’s a shock that someone so universally adored would be cut down in her prime.

KURT MANLEY: Well, that, but I had no idea her name was “Sally Ann Dubawitz.” You mean she wasn’t really a Countess?

NATALIE BROCK: Not at all, Kurt.

KURT MANLEY: You learn something new everyday. Now I understand you have some footage of the crime scene?

NATALIE BROCK: Indeed I do, Kurt and I must stress that it was a very bloody, gruesome scene, so viewer discretion is advised.

KURT MANLEY: Did you hear that, folks? If you’ve got a gut full of stew, you might want to take five. Your fault if you end up blowing chunks all over your carpet. Don’t send NN1 the cleaning bill.

(Cut to footage of the inside of Natalie’s dressing room.)
IRVING, COUNTESS CUCAMONGA’S MANAGER: Jesus H. Fuck!

(The camera captures Natalie standing inside the doorway to the bathroom, but no carnage is visible yet).

NATALIE: Walt, are you rolling?

(The camera turns and captures Walt’s chubby face, zits and all.)

NATALIE: Walt!

WALT: Huh?

NATALIE: Are you rolling?

WALT: Oh, yeah, sure am.

(The footage goes on for a full minute with Walt staring at the lens, occasionally sticking out his tongue and licking his lips.)

WALT: Is my tongue supposed to be so white? I should get that looked at…

(Cut to Natalie at the arena).

NATALIE BROCK: Obviously, we had some technical difficulties there.

KURT MANLEY: Obviously. Now Natalie, what have some of the music industry’s most esteemed representatives had to say?

NATLIE BROCK: Kurt, there has been a massive outpouring of sympathy for the Countess and her friends and family. In fact, rapper Lady Steez posted moments ago, “Countess Cucamonga was a pioneer in the world of ass related music. If she hadn’t had the courage to sing about her fat ass, I never would have had the courage to rap about my fat ass.”

(Kurt wipes away a tear, then pats his heart).

KURT MANLEY: I’m sorry. That just got me, right here. Very touching.

NATALIE BROCK: Meanwhile, rapper Stank Daddy has already recorded a tribute song, filled with lyrics about the Countess’ ample posterior, set to the rhythm of a popular 1970s track.

KURT MANLEY: Wow, that was fast.

NATALIE BROCK: Yes, and by rapping over a popular old song, this allows Stank Daddy to appear fresh and new, as though he invented the song himself.

KURT MANLEY: Brilliant. Thank you Natalie, our Miami affiliate reporter who must shop at the world’s tiniest brassiere store. Come to think of it, do those things even need support? Seems like a waste of fabric if you ask me. We’ll be staying on the story of Countess Cucamonga’s untimely demise, but first, let’s cry our eyes out during a commercial break, shall we? Sports and weather in the next hour and oh, don’t forget that there’s a brand of toilet paper that could give you the Ebola virus. Don’t wipe until we tell you which one it is.

(Cut to a banner that reads, “Network News One”)

ANNOUNCER: You’re watching Network News One. The Hottest Blonde Chicks. The biggest titties. Oh yeah, and sometimes we even report the news and shit.

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Movie Review – Ghost in the Shell (2017)

Naked ScarJo!  Naked ScarJo!  Naked ScarJo!

Now that I have your attention, BQB here with a review of the sci-fi film, Ghost in the Shell.

OK.  I fibbed.  Scarlett Johansson isn’t naked in this movie.  Here’s how I assume the conversation went down at the studio:

HOLLYWOOD SUIT #1 – Can we make a movie where Scarlett Johansson runs around naked for half the entire film?

HOLLYWOOD SUIT #2 – Yes, but it would be classified as a porn.

HOLLYWOOD SUIT #1 – Hmm.  OK.  What if Scarlett Johansson is a robot and runs around in a flesh colored body suit?  She wouldn’t technically be naked because as a robot, she wouldn’t have nipples, or a butt crack or a cooter?

HOLLYWOOD SUIT #1 – PG-13 – Bring the teenagers!

Ahh, so much controversy and hype over this long awaited film.

Allow me to answer your questions…or my questions…since no one is asking questions.

QUESTION #1 – What the hell is this movie about?

Excellent question, me.  This film is based on a popular Japanese franchise (gotta be honest, I’m not hip enough to be able to tell you for sure if it was a comic book, anime cartoon, or both, though I’m leaning to comic book).

ScarJo stars as Major, a Japanese government agent with a synthetic body controlled by a human brain.  She is the result of an experiment by the Hanko Corporation, an effort to put a brain into a robot and represents a hope that the technology that made her will eventually keep all humans from dying – i.e. their brains can just be put into robots when their bodies wear out.  If her brain is a “ghost” or remnant of a human, and the body is a “shell,” then she is the…wait for it…ghost in the shell.

There’s a villain taking out the scientists who made her.  She must investigate with the help of her trusty sidekick Batou (Pilou Asbaek), a muscle bound, bleach blonde weirdo.

Question #2 – Was it a dick move to cast ScarJo, a honky, in the lead role in a film that takes place in Japan, especially when in the original, the character is Japanese?

Yes and no.  I can see both sides.  By the way, I can say “honky” because I am one.  That’s OUR word!

THE ARGUMENT FOR YES – There are so few lead roles for Asian actors/actresses as it is.  A few years back, an Asian actress would have loved to play the female lead in Aloha, but instead, for reasons yet to be explained, Emma Stone was cast as a Hawaiian.  Earlier this year, Matt Damon saved the Great Wall of China.  And now, ScarJo, who is pretty much the female lead in like, everything, is cast in a part that would have made an Asian actress’ career.

Plus, although the film takes place in Japan, there are honkies, honkies everywhere!  It’s a veritable honky fest.  Though there are a number of Asians in the film, there’s only one who has any considerable amount of screen time.  That’s Takeshi Kitano, by the way, who plays the gruff and grizzled Aramaki, the leader of Major’s unit.

So while I could understand the argument of, “Hey, the studio is dumping a shit ton of dough into this movie so they want a lead actress with a proven track record of putting butts in seats,” I don’t understand why more of the supporting cast couldn’t have been Asian.

THE ARGUMENT FOR NO – I believe, in a subtle, understated way, the film does provide an explanation as to why the lead character is a honky.  There’s even an explanation as to why there are so many honkies running around Japan.  I don’t want to spoil the movie for you, so maybe I can get into this after the movie’s been out for awhile.

QUESTION #3 – Is the movie any good?

Also, yes and no.

THE ARGUMENT FOR YES – Its colorful.  The special effects are amazing.  The fight scenes are dazzling.  It raises a lot of interesting questions about the future of humanity.

THE ARGUMENT FOR NO – There were a lot of times where the film feels like a discount version of Blade Runner.  All of the giant holographic billboards are a dead giveaway.  Also, the plot is confusing.  There are some parts where the film drags and others where it moves quicker than I would have liked it to.  I was left puzzled by a lot of things, yet not caring enough to expend the brain cells necessary to sort it all out.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  I liked it, though the only reason why I would watch it again is to see a technically naked ScarJo.  Maybe in the sequel, they can give her nipples, a butt crack, and a cooter.

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