Daily Archives: April 15, 2017

Top Ten Best Kinds of Easter Candy

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Ahh, Easter.  That wondrous holiday where Christians celebrate the glorious resurrection of their lord and savior, Jesus Christ…by finding colorful eggs hidden by an anthropomorphic bunny rabbit.  Additional activities include eating a lot of food and finding baskets full of candy, which is also eaten…almost immediately.

Candy is the name of the game with this post, 3.5 readers.  From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Best Kinds of Easter Candy:

#10 – Orange Jelly Beans

All other jelly beans stink compared to the orange ones.  Why do they even make black licorice jelly beans?  Who is the asshat that steal eats those?  Someone must be or they’d stop making them.

Sure, cherry or lemon or other types of fruity beans will do.  Jelly Belly makes some fine gourmet jelly beans.  I’m a fan of their buttered popcorn and toasted coconut beans.  But when it comes to maximum deliciousness, it’s orange all the way.

Seriously.  Handing me a black licorice jelly bean and telling me it is just as good as an orange jelly bean is like handing me Lena Dunham while she’s eating cake on the toilet and telling me she’s just as hot as Megan Fox.

Was that a mean, rude and insensitive comment?  Probably.  But that’s how much I love orange jelly beans.  Give me one of those plastic bags shaped like a bunny’s carrot where the orange beans turn the carrot orange and I’m good for the day.

#9 – Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Eggs

You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!  You got your peanut butter in my chocolate!

Who cares?  Delicious and nutritious (although probably not really) I say.

I like to bite the chocolate off of the peanut butter and then eat the peanut butter after the chocolate has been bitten off.  It just seems like a fun thing to do, although now that I think about it, it’s probably a blow to chocolate/peanut butter desegregation.  These two flavors really deserve to mix together in my mouth and be happy.

#8 – Cadbury Mini Eggs 

Mmm.  Sweet chocolates on the inside.  Sweet candy shell on the outside.  They’re like cocaine to me.  If they sold them all year round I’d be a diabetic by now.  Kids, lay off the candy, that’s some shit you don’t want.  Adults, it’s not too late for you.  Lay off that shit too.

#7 – Cadbury Creme Eggs

Speaking of diabetes, is there anything sweeter than the cream inside a Cadbury Creme Egg?

Personally, I always bite the chocolate top off of one of these bad boys, then I’ll get my tongue up that…well, that makeshift hole and start licking and slurping until all that creme is gone and…wait….are we still talking about candy?

#6 – Whoppers Robin Eggs

Malt.  It’s kind of an old fashioned flavor.  Don’t believe me?  Ask someone who was alive in the 1950s if they ever visited a “malt shoppe.”  But Whoppers never gave up on the malty goodness.  I prefer to suck on these delicious chocolatey malt balls (yes, I know how that sounds) and let the malt seep into my tongue until it pickles.

#5 – Russell Stover Easter Eggs

When you’re done performing cunnilingus on that Cadbury Creme Egg (you know you will now that I suggested to it you if you weren’t doing it before), it’s time to graduate to the Russell Stover eggs.

That Russell Stover does some good shit with chocolate eggs, let me tell you.  Creme, marshmallow, you name it.

#4 – Starburst Jelly Beans

While I still maintain that all jelly beans should be orange and only orange, if you can’t get your hands on any orange beans, or jelly bellies, then Starburst beans are pretty fruity and flavorful.  They’ve put many pounds on my butt over the years.  Also, not a single black licorice in the bunch.

#3 – Hershey’s Carrot Cake Kisses

You know, I could be engaging in candy rating malpractice, largely because I’ve never had one of these before.  They are new, but people tell me they are orgasmic and to die for.  This surprises me because I feel like carrot cake is ok.  I mean, I’ll eat it if it’s there but I’ve never been like, “OMG I have a carrot cake craving and I must have it!”  Still, many people have given these high marks, so I’ll add them to the list.

Have you had one?  Tell me what you think.

#2 – Peeps 

Yummy marshmallow inside.  Delicious sugary coating on the outside.  Get the bunnies and bite scores of ears off, or get the chicks and behead them with your teeth.  Yes, you get your jollies off by torturing candy animals, don’t you, you big weirdo?

#1 – Chocolate Bunnies

Speaking of torturing candy animals, is there a candy animal that is abused more than the chocolate bunny?

Seriously.  What do you bite off first?  The ears, of course.  Yes…bite those ears off, so that little hollow rascal can’t hear you as you laugh and laugh at his pain, as you guffaw and chuckle at his helpless state!

Not that I’ve thought this through.  Ears, face, butt.  That’s how I eat a chocolate bunny.  How about you?

Your Favorite Candy

Did I fail to talk about the horrible things I would do to your favorite Easter candy?  Tell me in the comments.

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Movie Review – Sandy Wexler (2017)

The 1990s are alive again!

BQB here with a review of Adam Sandler’s latest Netflix comedy.

 

It’s the last decade of the second millennium and Sandy Wexler (Adam Sandler) is the worst agent in all of Hollywood.  He’s a bumbling, incompetent boob with a wacky voice, big window pane glasses and all sorts of disgusting quirks.  He lies constantly, makes weird outbursts and can’t eat anything without getting it all over anyone in his vicinity.

His clients stink too, ranging from a stunt man who can’t stop destroying himself (Nick Swardson) to one of the creepiest ventriloquists of all time (Kevin James).

All that changes when Sandy discovers singer Courtney Clarke (Jennifer Hudson).  She quickly becomes Sandy’s first client with talent ever.  As her career blasts off, Sandy ends up going through the ringer of a town known for chewing people up and spitting them out.

This movie is a celebration of all things 90s.  The funky neon shirts, the cars, the popular products of the day, the styles, the pop culture, it’s all on full display, coming across as Adam Sandler’s love song to the decade that made him big.  Believe it or not but there was a scene that made me miss Fruitopia.  Mmm.  Fruitopia.  Do you remember Fruitopia?  It was actually pretty good.  I want one right now.

The whole story is narrated by a plethora of 1990s era celebrities.  Pauly Shore, Jewel, Lisa Loeb, Downtown Julie Brown, Arsenio Hall are just some of the big names of yesteryear that pop in, making me depressed that the decade I came of age in is so far gone now.

Oh well.  That’s the way the cookie crumbles.

Jennifer Hudson’s beauty and singing skills are the best parts of the film, leaving me to wonder why she is so underutilized in Hollywood.  She makes the film great but there was a part of me that thought, “This poor, classy woman.  She’s so much better than this.  She should be headlining major films.”

Oh well.  Maybe Hollywood will get the message on J-Hud sooner or later.

There’s a divided verdict out there on Adam Sandler.  If you were born in the 80s or before, you probably love him.  If you were born in the 90s or after, you hate him.  All of his movies usually involve him embracing a zany character and then following through on the character’s quirks to an eventual conclusion.

Personally, I love Adam Sandler, but if I’m channeling my movie critic side, I’d have to say that his two best films were Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison.  He had one great comeback with Don’t Mess with the Zohan and then it has been choppy waters ever since.

Thus, I think Adam has found a good home on Netflix.  Streaming allows his fans like me to find him without drawing the ire of millennials who take a look at the Sandman without being completely baffled about what he’s up to.

Then again, sometimes I’m baffled about what Adam is up to.  Hell, I bet even Adam is baffled.

Why is this man funny?  The world may never know…but he is….sometimes.  He’s kind of like your home team.  He wins some.  He loses some.  You root for him because you have fond memories of when he won some and you’re waiting for him to win some again.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.

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Toilet Gator – Network News One Transcript #3

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Network News One Transcript #3
KURT MANLEY (In Studio) – …witnesses on the scene report that they’d never seen such a high concentration of fire breathing midgets in one location and they doubt they ever will again. In other news, New York Governor Brian Graysmith was caught with a ridiculous amount of hookers in a hotel suite. Here to discuss the matter further is our own NN1 Hooker Analyst, Sam McCarthy.

(A scummy looking pervert appears on camera. He wears a Hawaiian shirt and a pair of sunglasses, as well as a bad toupee).

SAM MCCARTHY: Good to be here, Kurt.

KURT MANLEY: Sam, you’re one of the world’s most knowledgeable sources when it comes to hookers.

SAM MCCARTHY: Indeed I am, Kurt. Indeed I am. I may or may not have been a customer of various ladies of the evening and I may or may not have learned a thing or two in that time.

KURT MANLEY: Various official reports indicate that Governor Graysmith’s suite at the Swankforth Hotel was filled with a quote unquote ‘ridiculous amount of hookers.’

SAM MCCARTHY: That’s right.

KURT MANLEY: How many hookers is a ‘ridiculous’ amount of hookers?

SAM MCCARTHY: Well, that’s hard to say, Kurt. A ‘ridiculous’ amount of hookers could mean a lot of different things to different people. There are church going folk who would say that even one hooker in a hotel suite is one too many.

KURT MANLEY: What a bunch of prudes.

SAM MCCARTHY: Tell me about it. Now two or three hookers, that’s going to start raising some eyebrows.

KURT MANLEY: Naturally.
SAM MCCARTHY: And even upwards of ten hookers is going to turn the head of even the most experience hooker patron.

KURT MANLEY: Who has that kind of free time?

SAM MCCARTHY: I know, right? Now, in the governor’s case, witnesses disagree on the exact number of hookers involved. No one ever came up with an exact number but what we do know is that there were hookers in the bathroom, hookers in the breakfast nook, hookers on the balcony, hookers in the sitting room, hookers in the bedroom…

KURT MANLEY: My sources indicate there were even hookers in the closet.

SAM MCCARTHY: Exactly. I mean, the place was wall to wall hookers. Hotel staff claim that they couldn’t even get into the room because it was packed to the ceiling with hookers.

KURT MANLEY: That’s a lot of hookers.

SAM MCCARTHY: I mean, I don’t know if there’s any way to know for sure, but if you factor in the square footage of the room combined with the weight and height of the average hooker and I’d wager the Governor had packed his suite with over one thousand hookers.

(Kurt’s jaw drops.)

KURT MANLEY: Now that’s a lot of hookers!

SAM MCCARTHY: Even for me, Kurt. Even for me. I’m all about sampling a broad array of hookers, but a man could kill himself with that many hookers in one sitting. Luckily, the police broke up the hooker party before the governor was able to get in too deep.

KURT MANLEY: Wow. Thank you Sam. Incredibly disturbing news coming out of New York this evening. We take you live to the governor’s mansion, where Governor Graysmith is holding a press conference to address the scandal that has been dubbed, “Ridiculous Amount of Hookers-gate.”

(Cut to a podium where a man in his late fifties takes to the podium. He wears a sharp business suit. His very depressed looking wife stands by his side.)

GOVERNOR GRAYSMITH: Hello, members of the esteemed press. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to you, to the good people of New York, to my wonderful children, Bob and Nancy, and of course, to my darling wife, Judy, for the ridiculous amount of hookers I hired. Throughout my career as a dedicated public servant, I have done my best to hold myself out as a strong man, a proud man, but at the end of the day, I am also a weak man. I succumbed to temptation and that is what caused me to hire so, so many hookers. I want everyone to rest assured that I will be entering a rehab program for men who are addicted to hiring ridiculous amounts of hookers. I have found Jesus and have had many conversations with him in which he has advised me to stay away from such ridiculous amounts of hookers. I will rededicate myself to my church and to God and to taking each day at a time, making sure I never again hire such a ridiculous, ludicrous, insane amount of hookers. I would like to thank Judy for standing by me throughout this difficult time.

(The reporters flail their hands wildly and demand to have their questions answered.)

GOVERNOR GRAYSMITH: No, no. I will not take any questions about the ridiculous amount of hookers I hired at this time. My dear, sweet wife is suffering now because of this humiliating situation and I’d like to remind you all that if you continue to ask questions about it, then you are the ones causing her pain and not me, the one who hired a bafflingly ridiculous number of hookers. Thank you. That is all.

KURT MANLEY: And there you have it. Governor Graysmith is very sorry for all those hookers he hired.

(Kurt sorts through some papers.)

KURT MANLEY: We turn our attention back now on what is shaping up to be one of the most gut wrenching stories in the entire history of humanity. Yes, I’m saying that if you even were to go back as far as the days of Exodus, when God smote all the non-believers with plagues of locusts, pestilence, and even the deaths of their first born children, this story makes that time look like a walk in the park with a lollipop in hand. I’m talking, of course, about the tragic death of Countess Cucamonga, the world’s most beloved pop star, a talented artist whose songs about her ample hindquarters were loved by all and I’m not ashamed to say that they were even loved by this old newsman. We take you live to…

(Kurt presses his finger up against his earpiece and sighs.)

KURT MANLEY: Yeah, I’m sorry viewers. We’re still trying to work a Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties into the mix, but in the mean time here’s Natalie Brock…

(Natalie Brock appears on screen. She wears a cheap blonde wig, the kind that could be found at any thrift store. Her bosom appears much larger. Makeup is caked on her face.)

KURT MANLEY: Holy moly! Natalie! You had a growth spurt!

(Natalie is standing in front of the Geriatric Oaks Retirement Home in Boca Raton, Florida. She appears ill at ease and uncomfortable with her new look).

NATALIE: Um, yes. Hello…Kurt. A…

(Natlie closes her eyes, looks up to God for strength, then opens them and faces the camera.)

NATALIE: A Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties here with a new development in the grizzly murder of Countess Cucamonga. I’m here at a retirement home in Boca Raton where authorities have confirmed to me that retired history teacher Herb Hogan has been murdered.

KURT MANLEY: I mean, that’s terrible, but I don’t think anyone really gives a greasy turtle turd about some old ass teacher, Nat…er…Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties.

NATALIE: Normally, no. But authorities describe a gruesome scene, very reminiscent of the scene in which Countess Cucamonga’s giant ass struck down in its prime.

(Kurt’s eyes widen.)

KURT MANLEY: Whoa nelly! Now if that isn’t a dilly of a pickle. Feed me, Seymour! Feed me!

NATALIE: I’m here with Mr. Abraham Bromstein, a resident of this facility…

(Camera pans out to reveal Mr. Bromstein, standing next to Natalie in his bathrobe.)

MR. BROMSTEIN: Oy vey, can we move this along young lady? It’s very drafty out here and I’m freezing my genechtagazoink off.

NATALIE: Mr. Bromstein, you saw the scene where Mr. Hogan was murdered, is that correct?

MR. BROMSTEIN: Indeed it is, my dear. I have this nurse, you see, Nurse Sheila. She told me to tell her if the rash on my schmeckel got any worse and wouldn’t you now that as soon as she walked out of my room, it did. Now, I’m no medical doctor, but it was all red and doughy, such that I think I may have caught a male yeast infection. Do you want to see it?

NATALIE: Not at this time, no. Mr. Bromstein, if we could focus on the details of the crime scene…

MR. BROMSTEIN: Suit yourself, shiksa. So I go looking for Nurse Sheila and in the process of doing so, I happen upon Dolores’ Nelson’s room. Old Herb and Dolores were quite an item, you know. Dolores loved to brag about how Herb’s tongue whirled around faster than a high-powered blender blade, if you catch my drift.

NATALIE: I catch it, sir.

MR. BROMSTEIN: Cunnilingus!

NATALIE: I gathered.

MR. BROMSTEIN: Anyway, I find Nurse Sheila in Dolores’ room. I tell her about the worsening condition of my schmekel and she tells me she’s sorry but she’s dealing with a situation. I look around. The floor is all wet. The toilet is broken. And Herb’s been splattered all over the walls.

NATALIE: Which leads you to believe…

MR. BROMSTEIN: That either cunnilingus can cause a man to literally explode, which is what I always told my late wife as an excuse to get out of it whenever she demanded I bring my mouth down south, or…

NATALIE: Or?

(Mr. Bromstein looks directly at the camera.)

MR. BROMSTEIN: There’s a murderer on the loose!!!

NATALIE: There you have it, Kurt. A situation that’s eerily similar to what happened to Countess Cucamonga.

KURT: Eerily similar indeed. You’re looking good, Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties. You’re a credit to our fine news organization, that’s for sure. This new development begs the question, ‘Is there a serial murderer on the loose?’ We have zero answers on that issue at this time, America. However, we here at NN1 feel it is important to advise everyone to drop whatever they are doing. Stop going to work. Stop going to school. Stop going about your regular business. Board up all your windows and doors and hole yourself up in your living room with a shotgun and a urine bucket. Most importantly, stay tuned to NN1 where we will be providing you with the latest updates as to the likelihood that you will be murdered by the horrific serial killer that we can only assume is very real and will not stop until he has killed everyone, especially you. Yes, you. The one sitting there watching me right now.

(Kurt changes camera angles.)

KURT MANLEY: That’s it for the Countess Cucamonga caper for now. And coming up in the next hour, a disgruntled coffee worker was caught masterbating into every fifth coffee ground can to come off of the assembly line. Could there be a little extra cream in your coffee? We’ll tell you which brand to stay away from after sports and weather. In the meantime, sit back and enjoy these commercial messages.

ANNOUNCER: Network News One! The hottest blonde chicks! The biggest titties! Oh yeah, and occasionally we report the news and shit.

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In Case You Missed It – Is Your Boyfriend a Shirtless Alpha Male from a Romance Novel?

Is your boyfriend super jacked in the muscle department?  Does he not own a single shirt?

Does his long hair blow around in the wind all the time, even when there is no wind?

Is he always picking you up and walking off into the sunset, even though you can walk just fine?

These, and other warning signs, that your boyfriend might be a shirtless alpha male from a romance novel.

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My Mother of All Bombs (MOAB) Joke really upped my stats

Apparently people are searching the inter webs a lot for info about the MOAB.  So, sorry to be a shameless self-promoter but hey, in this game, you got to do what you got to do.

MOAB!  MOAB!  Mother of all bombs!  Information about MOAB!  My blog is so terrible that I think it might be the mother of all bombs…

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Movie Trailer – Star Wars: The Last Jedi (2017)

Hey 3.5 readers.  The movie trailer is out for The Last Jedi.

It’s mostly Rey doing some Karate Kid style training while Luke channels Mr. Miyagi.

One note:  Luke does say something like “this is the end of the Jedi” or something.  I hope they don’t actually end the Jedi and try to make some kind of “other” space warrior in future Star Wars films.

We want Jedis and we will only accept Jedis.

You 3.5 readers didn’t believe me when I said this title means that an end to the Jedi is likely but, um, yeah, I think they’re killing off the Jedi and if they do, then why bother keeping up with the franchise?

Oh well.  What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Movie Review – Going in Style (2017)

Geriatric bank robbers run amuck!

BQB here with a review of the old fogie heist comedy, Going in Style.

You know 3.5 readers, I went into this movie thinking I would hate it.  First, I’ve seen this plot before.  Old actors get together to do a tour de farce.  I saw it with Clint Eastwood and James Garner in Space Cowboys.  I saw it with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman in Bucket List.

Second, I go to movies to be entertained and the idea that all these old geezers are “going” as in they don’t have much time left just seemed sad.

I was pleasantly surprised.  It’s tight and witty, all the things you want in a good comedy.

Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman and Alan Arkin are three elderly retirees who are fed up with being screwed over.  When their pensions are liquidated, it’s the last straw.  Old, broke, and not seeing much of a future left, they hatch a scheme to rob the bank that did them wrong.

Yes, there are lots of old fart jokes.  That is to be expected but hey, it’s all fun just the same.

What surprises me is that this is a cast of octogenarians (eighty something year olds) who  are running around doing zany things throughout the film.  Sure, they do it all slowly, but still.  I hope I make it to eighty and I hope I have as much style as these three gents when I do.

Ann-Margaret plays Alan Arkin’s love interest and at 76, she’s still bone-able.  The years have been kind to her and if she’s had any work done, it doesn’t show.  Her face is pretty and I don’t know how she does it, but she’s not doing it with one of those Joan Rivers style “my face is pulled so far back I look like an alien” facelifts.  I would totally bring Ann-Margret a bottle of prune juice and hit that all night if she would ever find herself so inclined to do me the honor.  Sadly, she probably won’t.  (Call me Ann-Margret.  I want to eat all of the stale, wrapped candies at the bottom of your old lady purse.)

I feel like Ann-Margaret has been playing the hot old lady love interest for years now.  I remember her playing the hot old babe that Walter Matthhau and and Jack Lemon went to war over in 1993’s Grumpy Old Men.

Quick observation – Ann-Margaret was only in her fifties when those two grumpy old men fought over her and she’s in her seventies while these men are in there eighties.  In other words, no matter how old the leading men are in a movie, the actress still has to be younger.  Hollywood rules.

Appearances made by Kenan Thompson of SNL, Matt Dillon. and yes, Christopher Lloyd.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Probably not worth a trip to the theater, but you should see it.  It’s a pretty solid comedy.  There are sad moments that capture the human condition, i.e., everyone has to die someday and no one wants to, even eighty-year olds who have had as much time as anyone can expect.  However, there’s enough comedy and good vibes to overcome the sad parts of the film.

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