Daily Archives: April 25, 2017

BQB’s Confessions

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They say that confessions are good for the soul.  If that’s true, then I might as well get some things off my chest.

This could get embarrassing.  Good thing this website only has 3.5 readers

Confession #1 – Overeating

I eat too much.  There, I said it.

Everyone’s addicted to something.  Some people have drugs.  Some people have sex.  Some people have alcohol.  Some people have sex while they’re taking drugs and drinking alcohol.

Me?  I’m chasing that pizza dragon.  Sometimes on my way home from a hard day’s work at Beige Corp, I’ll stop off at East Randomtown House of Pizza and pick up an extra large pie with extra cheese, extra pepperoni, extra bacon, and extra pizza.  Yup.  That’s when they put another pizza on top of your pizza.

Then I go home, strip down to my underpants, and from there it becomes like a scene from a bad drug movie.  Like you know when there’s a character on drugs and they do a close up of the spoon as the heroin is melted over a fire and then loaded up into a needle and so on?

(Don’t do that shit, by the way kids.  I’m serious.)

Anyway, that’s me, but with pizza.  In my mind, I can actually here that eerie 1960s drug ballad “White Rabbit” by Jefferson Airplane.

It’s almost like I’m trapped in a scene in an addiction movie.  Just imagine me in my underpants, covered with pizza sauce, sticking another piece down my cake hole while I know I shouldn’t.

Then that song plays.  “One piece of pill makes you stronger and one pill makes you small and the ones that Mother gives you, don’t’ do anything at all…Go ask Alice…when she’s ten feet tall.”

I could rewrite the song but it would be something like, “One piece of pizza makes you larger….”

I Can’t Guarantee My Gym Farts Were Not Loud

I used to work out more.  I’d put in my earbuds, get a good song on, and then just do the elliptical.

When you’re in the zone, and your body is all loose and limber, well, hell, there was gas and it needed to get it out…so out it got.

I assumed they were silent.  I could feel the toots coming out of my pooter but I didn’t hear anything so I figured it was fine.  Smell?  Yeah, but it’s a gym.  The whole place smelled like Red Bull and old man balls.

It was only until years later that I realized the music in my ears may have prevented me from hearing the possible noise in my farts.

I want to be clear.  I don’t know for sure that I openly made noisy farts.  I just can’t tell you I didn’t with a reasonable degree of certainty due to the loud music in my head phones.

I Don’t Donate that Dollar

You ever go to a store and the cashier asks you if you’d like to donate a dollar to whatever organization that they are collecting for?  I never do.  I figure all those dollars add up and then what the hell?

I used to say yes because I felt bad.  Then I said no but I felt bad.  Now I say now and I don’t feel bad.

I am a monster.

Your Confessions

Do you have any funny confessions, 3.5 readers?  Share ’em in the comments and BQB will absolve you of your sins.

NOTE: My lawyer says don’t confess to like, an actual crime.  Just confess to funny, embarrassing yet legal things.  It is legal to eat too much, fart in public, and not donate a dollar, for example.

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For Those Just Tuning In…

In case you’re not up to speed on your Bookshelf Battle history, this blog is the best blog ever created about a magic bookshelf caretaker who spends his days toiling away at Beige Corporation, the world’s premiere producer of beige products and accessories, and his nights at BQB HQ, fighting the forces of evil and writing books to appease the maniacal alien overlord known as the Mighty Potentate.

:::deep breath:::

If you can find a better blog about a magic bookshelf caretaker who spends his days toiling away at Beige Corporation, the world’s premiere producer of beige products and accessories, and his nights at BQB HQ, fighting the forces of evil and writing books to appease the maniacal alien overlord known as the Mighty Potentate…then you’re welcome to check it out.

Or better yet, allow my spokeswoman to explain what this fine blog is all about:

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Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – My Money Problems Suck

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I think it totally sucks when people suck.

Perhaps you’ve read one of my many fine anti-suck books:

There’s Got to Be a Suck-less Morning After

Once Around the Riverbend of Non-Suckdom

Sucks to Be You, But It Doesn’t Have To

Helpful Hints for Suckers

Un-Suck Your Life in One Year or Less

Step Up and Stop Sucking

Does It Suck in Here or Is It Just You?

Glad you 3.5 suckers are back, still joining me in this long, arduous journey to a suck-free lifestyle.  You know, they say that Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither will your suck-free life.  So if it feels like your suck-free life is taking too long, then just pretend you’re a Roman…but not just any Roman – a sucky Roman.

Today’s suck related question comes from a big old sucker with sucky money problems:

Dear Vinny B,

I sure do suck with money!  Every penny I earn is already spent before I make it.  I can’t help it.  I have all sorts of money sucking addictions.  Gambling.  Shopping.  Oh, and I have three ex-wives who suck any leftover money I have right out of my wallet.

The bank’s about to foreclose on my house.  My car’s been repossessed.  I don’t think I’ll ever retire.

Is there anyway for me to climb down this mountain of suck?

– A Guy Who Sucks at Money from Brooklyn

Wow, Brooklyn Sucker.  Your life sounds like it sucks the big one for sure.  And you’re right.  You’ve climbed up a big mountain of suck.  It’s so big you might as well call it Mount Suckeverest.

But I’m pleased to say that with most sucky problems in life, there is a suck-less solution to a big time sucky problem.

To put it bluntly – stop sucking at money!  (FYI you can buy my new thirty part book series, “Stop Sucking at Money” for just seven hundred dollars each.  A real bargain if you ask me.  Check your local non-sucking book store for more info).

Let me go through the typical things that suckers do to suck up their finances:

Gambling

Gambling sucks.  Some people can go to a casino, have a drink, have a laugh, lose a little money on the slots and that’s it.  Others convince themselves that they’re just one lucky hand away from easy street and so they they throw their money away.  And then, just when they’re down to their last couple of bucks, they throw that away too.

This is a situation that sucks.  If you can’t control yourself in a casino, then please, make a pledge to never step inside one.

In fact, stay away from all forms of gambling.  Lucky scratchers.  Lottery tickets.  High stakes games of paper, rock scissors.  If it’s a game that involves betting, you need to stay out of it or else your life will always suck.

Shopping

Sure, we all need stuff.  And yes, occasionally it’s nice to even splurge a little.

But, if you are constantly buying junk you don’t need then you’re going to rack up some pretty high credit card bills.

Exercise some willpower.  New shoes?  Your old ones are just fine.  New underwear?  Underpants with holes in them never hurt anyone.  Easier access if you ask me.

New gadget or gizmo?  It’ll either break or be rendered obsolete by a newer version by the time you bring it home from the store.

Make a budget.  Stick to it.

Cut Up Your Credit Cards

Let’s face it.  Bankers suck.  However, one thing they don’t suck at is sucking up your money.  If you’re running up high credit card bills, then sit back and watch as your interest charges pile up.

Many suckers look at credit cards as free money.  That’s because these suckers suck when it comes to thinking about the future.

Don’t work for the bank.  Work for yourself.  If you can’t afford to buy it with cash, then you don’t need it.

Save

Brooklyn Sucker, it sounds like your finances really suck, so I doubt you’ll ever get out from under this suck cloud anytime soon.  But, once you do, make a vow to never suck up your money like this ever again.

Start not sucking at saving money.  Whether it’s a hundred, ten, or a single dollar, make a contribution to a high interest savings account every week.  Over time, it all adds up.  Hell, maybe after awhile, you might do some modest, reasonable investing by looking into some decent suck-free mutual funds.  Don’t get too crazy.  Sometimes suckers are known to get carried away and gamble with the stock market like they do at a casino.

The bottom line is that non-suckers make their money work for them.  Money begets money and more money begets a less sucky lifestyle.

Suck-Less Conclusion

The road ahead of you is long and full of suck, Brooklyn Sucker.  The sooner you buckle down and stop sucking, the sooner you’ll end up in the highly coveted Valley of Non-Suckitude.

By the way, you can get my new book, “The Valley of Non-Suckitude” at a book store near you that doesn’t suck, for the low, low price of $999.99.  It includes a book on beta max and a signed photo of yours truly.  I mean, you have sucky money problems, Brooklyn Sucker, so whenever you hear of a low, low, ridiculously low price on a book that will totally change your life, then you really should take advantage of it.

 

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