They say that confessions are good for the soul. If that’s true, then I might as well get some things off my chest.
This could get embarrassing. Good thing this website only has 3.5 readers
Confession #1 – Overeating
I eat too much. There, I said it.
Everyone’s addicted to something. Some people have drugs. Some people have sex. Some people have alcohol. Some people have sex while they’re taking drugs and drinking alcohol.
Me? I’m chasing that pizza dragon. Sometimes on my way home from a hard day’s work at Beige Corp, I’ll stop off at East Randomtown House of Pizza and pick up an extra large pie with extra cheese, extra pepperoni, extra bacon, and extra pizza. Yup. That’s when they put another pizza on top of your pizza.
Then I go home, strip down to my underpants, and from there it becomes like a scene from a bad drug movie. Like you know when there’s a character on drugs and they do a close up of the spoon as the heroin is melted over a fire and then loaded up into a needle and so on?
(Don’t do that shit, by the way kids. I’m serious.)
Anyway, that’s me, but with pizza. In my mind, I can actually here that eerie 1960s drug ballad “White Rabbit” by Jefferson Airplane.
It’s almost like I’m trapped in a scene in an addiction movie. Just imagine me in my underpants, covered with pizza sauce, sticking another piece down my cake hole while I know I shouldn’t.
Then that song plays. “One piece of pill makes you stronger and one pill makes you small and the ones that Mother gives you, don’t’ do anything at all…Go ask Alice…when she’s ten feet tall.”
I could rewrite the song but it would be something like, “One piece of pizza makes you larger….”
I Can’t Guarantee My Gym Farts Were Not Loud
I used to work out more. I’d put in my earbuds, get a good song on, and then just do the elliptical.
When you’re in the zone, and your body is all loose and limber, well, hell, there was gas and it needed to get it out…so out it got.
I assumed they were silent. I could feel the toots coming out of my pooter but I didn’t hear anything so I figured it was fine. Smell? Yeah, but it’s a gym. The whole place smelled like Red Bull and old man balls.
It was only until years later that I realized the music in my ears may have prevented me from hearing the possible noise in my farts.
I want to be clear. I don’t know for sure that I openly made noisy farts. I just can’t tell you I didn’t with a reasonable degree of certainty due to the loud music in my head phones.
I Don’t Donate that Dollar
You ever go to a store and the cashier asks you if you’d like to donate a dollar to whatever organization that they are collecting for? I never do. I figure all those dollars add up and then what the hell?
I used to say yes because I felt bad. Then I said no but I felt bad. Now I say now and I don’t feel bad.
I am a monster.
Do you have any funny confessions, 3.5 readers? Share ’em in the comments and BQB will absolve you of your sins.
NOTE: My lawyer says don’t confess to like, an actual crime. Just confess to funny, embarrassing yet legal things. It is legal to eat too much, fart in public, and not donate a dollar, for example.