World Renowned Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio
I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and when it comes to karate chopping suckyness, I’m a black belt. Perhaps you have read one of my fine anti-suck books:
Who Needs to Suck When You Don’t Have To?
I Can’t Stand This Sucky Feeling
Suck Ways to Saturday
The Suckback of Notre Dame
Suck Out the Suck
Set the Suck Aside
Kiss My Suck and Call It Ice Cream
A Brief History of Sucky Times
All Aboard the Anti-Suck Train
Make America Not Suck Again
Build a Wall Around the Suck and Make the Suck Pay For It
Who Let the Suck Out?
3.5 suckers, I’ve been busy spreading my suck free message across the world, consulting with the rich, famous and powerful and teaching them how to not suck. And when I’m not busy sucking the suck out of celebrities, I make plenty of time to help poor suckers come to grips with their sucking.
Why, just last week I held the “Tenth Annual Gala to Bring An End to All the Things that Make Poor People’s Lives Suck.” It was a rousing success and I’m happy to report that I helped a grand total of 10,000 sucky poor people get started on the path to a suck free life.
But enough about me. Here’s today’s question:
Dear Vinny B,
I’m getting older. Forty is just around the corner and when I look back on my life, I realize that it really sucked. Seriously. It sucked so bad. All the sucky things in life happened to me and none of the non-sucky things happened to me.
Even worse, I made decisions that sucked. I didn’t realize at the time how I was sucking up my life. It didn’t dawn on me until I was able to look back on all the sucky behavior in hindsight.
I regret my sucky past but now I face an even suckier dilemma. Is it too late to stop sucking? I feel like everyone judges me based on my sucky decisions. I’ve woken up and smelled the non-suck, but try as I might, I’m trapped in a suck cycle. I want to not suck but the weight of all my past sucks weighs me down.
Am I doomed to always suck?
Once a Sucker, Always a Sucker
Wow. Sorry to hear about all that suck, Sucker. That really sucks.
Let’s face the sucky truth. Life has a tendency to suck. Even worse, when we are young, we are trained to think that it won’t suck. All the adults tells us positive things and treat us like mush brained dummies when we are young. It keeps young people from making plans to combat a sucky life.
So, you made some sucky decisions. You did some sucky things and you had sucky things happen to you. You can’t let suck define you. You can’t let suck bog you down.
Yes, we all wish we could take the knowledge we have learned about how not to suck, travel back in time, and give it to our younger selves, only to then find ourselves in a suck free present. Alas, the state of time travel technology really sucks, so we aren’t there yet.
Still, you are alive and you have time to not suck. Sure, you don’t have as much time as you wish you had to not suck, but there’s still time to not suck. Only a sucker doesn’t use all of his time to not suck, no matter how much or how little time is left. Be your least sucky self, always and no matter what.
You regret how much your past forty years sucked? That sucks. Don’t get to sixty and regret not taking steps in the past twenty years to not suck. You had an excuse to suck when you were young. You were young and you didn’t know any better.
Now you are older and wiser. You’ve been knocked around by the sucky world. You know the ins and outs of suck-dom. You know how to curtail your sucky behaviors. You know the suckyness that happens if you don’t. Sorry pal, but you’re all out of excuses to keep sucking, so grab that anti-suck bull by the horns and ride it for the rest of your life.
“Regrets, I’ve had a few,” Frank Sinatra used to sing. So, you have a few, or even a lot. It’s time to wipe the suck slate.
You can’t change your sucky past, but the story of your future has yet to be written. Will you write it with a sucky pen or will you vow to put an end to all your sucky ways for good?
The choice is yours, Sucker. Choose to not suck, always and no matter what. It’s never to late to not suck.
By the way, you can buy my new anti-suck book, It’s Never Too Late to Not Suck at a book store near you that doesn’t suck.