Daily Archives: April 6, 2017

Toilet Gator – Chapter 8

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Natalie sat in the passenger seat as Walt drove down the highway. The bravado laden voice of America’s favorite anchorman blustered through her ear.

“Natalie Brock. A helluva job you did on the Countess Cucamonga murder story. Helluva job.”

Natalie’s heart fluttered. She’d always dreamed of talking to the man behind the most coveted desk in cable news and now she was. “Thank you. I’m so glad you called, Mr. Manley.”

“Oh, please,” Kurt said. “Mr. Manley was my father. Call me Kurt.”

“OK Kurt,” Natalie replied.

“To be the first on the scene when the world’s most beloved pop star is snuffed out like a spent candle,” Kurt said. “You must have drunk a second glass of lucky juice today, my friend.”

“I was just in the right place at the right time,” Natalie said. “Not that I’m happy the Countess is gone, of course.”

“Of course,” Kurt said. “Blah, blah, blah, we all have to be human and say we’re sorry that we were around when bad shit went down but you know as well as I do that bad shit is always going to go down and its better for our careers if we’re there when it does.”

“I can’t deny that,” Natalie said.

“I hope you broke your foot off in that incompetent cameraman’s ass though,” Kurt said.

Natalie looked at her driver. His attention was on the road. “He was, um, severely reprimanded.”

“Excellent,” Kurt said. “Well anyway, I just wanted to congratulate you on the bang up job you did and let you know that you can take it easy because a Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties is being dispatched to Florida as we speak.”

Natalie closed her eyes. She covered her phone’s receiver with her hand, then blurted out multiple obscenities.

“Natalie?” Kurt asked as the reporter raised the phone back to her ear. “You there?”

“Sorry,” Natalie said. “Bad connection. You were saying?”

“You’re off the story,” Kurt said. “The bigwigs and I were impressed by your bravery. I mean, appearing on TV with your looks? That takes huevos, chica. Huevos grandes.”

Natalie took a deep breathe. “Kurt, with all due respect, I believe I’m the most qualified to report on this story. I’ve already broken it. I’ve already spoken to witnesses and authorities on the scene. I’ve even interviewed Countess Cucamonga’s manager on a number of occasions and he will no doubt prove to be a vital contact as the case progresses.”

“Let me stop you right there,” Kurt said. “You’re talking about qualifications and I’m talking about something else.”

“What are you talking about?” Natalie asked.

“Blonde hair and big titties,” Kurt said. “You don’t have ‘em and we need ‘em.”

“That’s disgusting,” Natalie said.

“Maybe it is,” Kurt said. “But we’re Network News One and you know our motto: The Hottest Blonde Chicks. The Biggest Titties and…”

“Oh yeah, and occasionally we report the news and shit,” Natalie said. “I know it well.”

“Then you understand the bind we’re in,” Kurt said.

“I understand you’re a bunch of sexist pigs,” Natalie said.

Kurt sighed. “Natalie, it’s easy to write the type of reporter that we here at NN1 prefer as a product of sexism, but if you do that, I think you’re missing the bigger picture.”

“Which is?” Natalie asked.

“The world is a terrible place,” Kurt said. “Umpteen zillion years ago, God granted us the gift of life and we’ve been repaying him for the favor by killing ourselves and each other at a rapid clip ever since. We’ve yet to put our minds to curing that which ails us, like cancer and heart disease, but everyday a new fangled method of killing the masses is invented. It’s sickening when you really think about it.”

“What does that have to do with…”

“Hot ass blonde chicks with big titties?” Kurt asked.

“Right,” Natalie asked.

“The people must be educated about what’s going on in the world,” Kurt said. “But with all the death and depravity going on, would anyone really bother turning on the news unless a hot ass blond chick with big titties was there to report on it?”

“I like to think that people don’t care about what the reporter looks like so much as the quality of the news report,” Natalie said.

Kurt chuckled. “And I think a leprechaun ought to swoop down on a magic unicorn and give me a pot of gold and a Vietnamese hooker loaded up with enough ping pong balls to choke a horse but we’re talking about reality here, kiddo, not fantasy.”

“This isn’t fair,” Natalie said.

“Oh boo hoo,” Kurt said. “Guess what? Life is unfair. Do you think some janitor making minimum wage to snake out shitty toilets only to come home and write out an alimony check for three-quarters of his pathetic salary to his no-good, two-timing ex-wife even though she hasn’t allowed him to see his kids for six months would ever, EVER want to turn on the news and learn about how many people were blown to smithereens today unless that information was pouring out of the supple red lips of a hot ass blonde chick with big titties?”

Natalie struggled for a response but couldn’t find one.

“Do you know how much joy our hot ass blonde chicks with big kitties bring to the average male news viewer?” Kurt asked. “Do you know that the average porn website costs over fifty dollars for a three month subscription? Do you know that in our recent viewer survey, a whopping eighty-nine percent of respondents said that they watch our channel for ‘fapping material?’ We’ve got people masterbating to our reporters and learning about war, destruction, chaos and the latest monkey produced virus to be found in their microwave TV dinners. It’s a beautiful thing.”

“I guess I never thought about it that way,” Natalie said.

“Most women don’t,” Kurt said. “Most women don’t understand what it’s like to have a penis. That little guy demands action 24/7, the type of action that our overburdened, overpopulated world is ill-equipped to offer anyone. The closes the average man will ever come to a hot ass blonde chick with big titties is to watch our channel.”

“Even so,” Natalie said. “I still…”

“Plus,” Kurt said. “Did you know that we are the nation’s number one employer of hot ass blonde chicks with big titties? Without our network, hot ass blonde chicks would be forced to resort to one of the other despicable professions they’re known to work in. We’re talking stripping, pornography, or even worse, appearing in network dramas for scale. Scale, Natalie! Are you trying to starve our hot ass blonde chicks with big titties?”

“No,” Natalie said. “I would never want to hurt the hot ass blonde chicks with big titties.”

“Good,” Kurt said.

Natalie searched within herself for strength. After mustering some up, she gave it one last try.

“Kurt,” Natalie said. “I’ve been trapped at the same local station for ten years. I don’t want to be here for my entire career. If I lose this story, I doubt I’ll ever find another one like it. Please. Don’t take me off it.”

There was dead silence on Kurt’s end of the phone for a moment. Finally, the anchorman sighed and started talking again. “You got guts, lady. You know, you remind me of a young me. Hard to believe, I know, but I wasn’t born the stud muffin I am today, the same stud muffin that gets women to tune in by the millions. We here at NN1 aren’t just about brining the news to men while they get off. Every night, the nation’s supply of females tune in just to flick the old bean around to yours truly.”

Natalie made a face of pure disgust. She was glad Kurt wasn’t able to see it. “OK then.”

“With a little hair dye a whole lot of plastic surgery, you too can be a hot ass blonde chick with big titties,” Kurt said.

“But I don’t want to be a hot ass blonde chick with big titties,” Natalie said.

“Yeah, well,” Kurt said. “Maybe I didn’t want to have ten trillion hairs ripped out of my anus and surgically implanted on my head in order to fight my male pattern baldness. Maybe I didn’t want my teeth replaced with shiny porcelain chiclets. Maybe I didn’t want silicone gel implanted in my pecs or off brand, illegally imported, discount Guatemalan botox shot into my face by a nursing school drop out every morning but damn it, I wanted to be the best damn anchorman around so I did what I had to do. Was I wrong when I said you had huevos grandes?”

“No,” Natalie said.

“Then get out there and get yourself some blonde hair and big titties!” Kurt said.

“But,” Natalie said. “There’s not enough time for me to get blonde hair and big titties.”

“Well,” Kurt said. “You better think of something because your boldness just bought you another round of airtime, kid.”

“Thank God,” Natalie said.

“No,” Kurt said. “Thank me.”

“Thank you, Kurt,” Natalie said.

“And the next time I see you on air, you better look like you just walked off the set of Jumbo Jigglers Part Seventeen.”

Click. Kurt hanged up. Natalie did as well.

“Network News One?” Walt asked.

“Kurt Manley himself,” Natalie answered.

“Wow,” Walt said. “Someone’s moving up in the world.”

Natalie rested her head against the cool glass of the passenger’s side window and watched the bright lights of Miami pass her by. “Where the hell am I going to get blonde hair and big titties at this hour?”

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You’re in Luck, 3.5 Readers

A new chapter of Toilet Gator and it isn’t even Sunday.  Enjoy!

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Zom Fu – Chapter 59

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Bonk! Bonk! Bonk!

Multiple skulls cracked under the weight of the Whirlwind’s club, but the creatures kept coming.

“Baldy!” the Whirlwind shouted. “Anytime you want to get off your fat ass and help me murder some of these brain biting bastards, let me know.”

Niu remained silent and motionless. His breathing was shallow. His chest moved slowly up and down.

“Fine,” the Whirlwind said as he conked a zombie upside the head, dropping it to the ground. “Let me do all the work.”

“Blargh!” a zombie cried as it chomped its teeth in the Whirlwind’s direction. The Whirlwind knocked them out in one fell swoop.

“Hmm,” the Whirlwind said as he looked at the blood on his club. “Effective.”

The thief looked around. Over a dozen zombies were standing around him in a circle, kept at bay only by the Whirlwind’s fancy club work. However, he knew he wouldn’t be able to fend off the monsters on his own forever.

“Well,” the Whirlwind said as he closed his eyes. “Here goes nothing.”

Like a cyclone, or rather, like his namesake, the Whirlwind spun around and around and around, bonking one zombie skull after another with his club. Bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk…the zombies’ skulls grew weaker and weaker until…kaboom! All twelve undead heads exploded, showering the thief with a hefty rain of blood, guts, and brain pieces.

The Whirlwind looked around in sheer amazement. “Very effective.”

The thief flicked a piece of brain off of his robe. “Oh right,” he said as he pulled a chrysanthemum out of his pocket and devoured it. “Better take my medicine before I end up like one of these pricks.”

The Whirlwind holstered his club, then picked up Niu’s hands. The giant’s arms were as heavy as tree trunks.

“Would you believe it, baldy?” the Whirlwind asked as he strained to pull his fallen comrade. “Club fu is real!”

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Zom Fu – Chapter 58

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General Tsang’s knees were old and weak. The pain was getting to him as he ran through the streets of the Forbidden City, slip sliding through rain soaked cobble stone paths.

“We’ll reach the escape passage soon, Your Majesty,” the general said to his wee charge. The Emperor’s little arms were wrapped so tightly around the general’s neck that the old man struggled for air.

The general came to a crossroads. None of the options looked promising. Zombified warriors approached from the side streets to the left and the right, as well as from the road straight ahead.

“We’ll have to double back,” the general said as he turned around only to find Rage Dog standing in front of him, his hair slick and wet. A flash of lightning illuminated the night sky. A thunderclap followed.

“Come back for more, have you?” General Tsang asked.

Rage Dog laughed. He drew closer, as did the zombified warriors. Evil closed in from all sides as the general produced his dagger.

“Don’t worry,” General Tsang said. “You’ll get it.”

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Zom Fu – Chapter 57

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Dragonhand wasted no time. He delivered ten slaps to Junjie’s stomach and another nine slaps to Junjie’s chest. Junjie grabbed Dragonhand’s hand before the tenth slap was landed, saving himself from explosion via the mystifying monkey slap.

“Knowledge is power,” Dragonhand said as he seized Junjie and flipped him into the air. “But experience is essential. So many have died due to the knowledge I have stolen from the brains of China’s greatest kung fu masters. How many have died at your hand?”

Junjie launched himself into the air and brought his arm down in a furious fox paw arc. The fiend stepped out of the way, leaving Junjie to crack marble floor with his fist.

The Infallible Master watched from a vantage point next to the Dragon Throne. “You were always so boastful, Longwei.”

Dragonhand ignored the old man and charged at Junjie. Junjie attempted to jump over Dragonhand, but his foot was caught by his adversary. He was flung ten feet across the throne room, but managed to right himself and land on his feet.

“Impressive,” Dragonhand said as he looked into Junjie’s eyes. “I see such hatred in your eyes.”

“Pay him no mind, disciple,” the master said.

“Why do you despise me so?” Dragonhand asked as he pointed at the ghost. “Because I killed that doddering old fool?”

Punch and deflect. Punch and deflect. The opponents became locked in a frustrating struggle, catching one another’s fists over and over. Dragonhand swept his foot underneath Junjie’s leg, knocking the young man on his back. Junjie sprang to his feet instantly.

“Gratitude is in order,” Dragonhand said. “He would have eventually found a way to hold you back, just as he did me.”

“I never held you back, Longwei,” the master said.

Dragonhand looked at the ghost. “Shut up.”

“The truth disturbs you, Longwei?” the master asked.

Taking advance of a distracted foe, Junjie bicycle kicked his way across the room, connecting his feet to Dragonhand’s face seven times. Once he regained his footing, Dragonhand hurled himself at the hero and brought both hands down against the side’s of Junjie’s throat.

The Devastating Crane Smash. Junjie felt its effects instantly. He fell to the ground. His face turned blue as he gasped for air. Dragonhand smiled as he walked in a circle around his opponent.
“And now you’ll know who your best student was, old man,” Dragonhand said as he raised his fist up high, preparing to bring it down on Junjie’s head.

“His name is Junjie, Longwei,” the master said.

Dragonhand turned to the master again. “Never say that name to me again!”

“What name?” the master asked. “Longwei?”

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RIP Don Rickles

Hey 3.5 dummies.

Sad news for the comedy world as legendary insult comic Don Rickles has died at the age of 90.  He is basically the inventor of insult comedy and also rolled with the Rat Pack aka Frank Sinatra and friends.

Here’s my favorite memory of Don Rickles, when he appeared in 1998’s Dirty Work starring Norm MacDonald and Artie Lange as a duo of schmucks who start a revenge for hire business.  This movie is kind of an acquired taste.  I’ve talked to people who love it or hate it, but no one in between.  Rickles is the best part of the film:

What’s your favorite Don Rickles moment?

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S-Town Podcast – Spoilery Review

Hey 3.5 readers.

So, I’ve had the chance to listen to the entire S-Town podcast.  This post will have spoilers, so if you don’t want to have it spoiled for you, don’t read on.

My observations:

  • It’s hard not to feel a little bit jerked around.  After all, it starts out as the wacky and eccentric John B, a prolific hater of his hometown (he calls it “Shit Town,” calls upon a reporter, Brian Reed, to investigate a murder.
  • There’s no murder and as a listener, this is disappointing.  I mean, obviously I’m glad that there was no murder, but once you learn that early on, you end up wondering what the point of the podcast was.
  • Reed, like many good reporters, takes a big nugget of nothing and turns into a pile of something.  Often, a reporter will put a lot of time and effort into a lead (i.e. a rumor of a murder) only to have that lead go nowhere.  Many reporters, at that point, will throw their hands up in the air and write the time they spent as lost.  Reed, on the other hand, kept in touch with John B and the residents of Shit Town for years and after awhile, found a story.
  • The podcast tragically shifts gears when we learn that John B has killed himself.  John B is a clock restorer, and so time becomes a big theme – how quickly it passes, how John B, while clearly having a screw loose, could still be relatable to the average forty something year old.  John B is smart, has an aptitude for science, has skills with chemistry and clock repair – he laments that he didn’t run from Shit Town in his 20s.  He can’t vocalize an explanation as to why he didn’t other than no one would have taken care of his elderly mother or his family property.  In short, at some point, and maybe we never really know when, but we always think we’re going to break out of our ruts and “become somebody” and depression comes when we get old enough to realize that it’s unlikely we’ll catch some great big break.  We then end up beating ourselves up, being able to see our lives in hindsight and knowing what we should have done, though we didn’t know or realize it at the time.
  • People on both sides of a dispute can be understandable.  John B’s longtime friend Tyler gets in a legal battle with Rita and Charlie, John B’s cousins from Florida that he rarely saw in life.  For part of the podcast, you cheer Tyler on, that he’s a quasi-adopted member of John B’s family and that John would have wanted the young man to inherit something from him.  But then you also get to know Rita, and you realize that John B hadn’t done the best job of taking care of his mother.  Though he did his best, his mother now flourishes with the cousins as they take her places and tend to all her needs.  And as distant cousins, they could have easily put the old gal in a home and washed their hands of the whole thing, but they’re taking care of her, and the old lady needs money for her expenses and that would come from her estate and that money won’t be there if Tyler keeps taking things from the property.
  • In short, you’re able to see both sides.  No one wants to go through the exercise of writing a will.  It’s too much of an admission that we will all croak one day, a fact that is part of the human experience and yet we try our best to push it out of our minds because if we didn’t we’d never do anything in life.  Still, if you have stuff, and people who would fight over the stuff, best to suck it up and leave behind a legal document that explains what you want to happen.
  • It’s a good podcast and Reed is to be commended for sticking with this for so long when most other reporters would have given up and decided there was no story here.  He ultimately turned nothing into something.
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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Ventriloquist Dummy

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Hello ladies.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here.

Is your boyfriend stiff?  Some might say even a little wooden?  Well, I don’t want to alarm you but just in case, from Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Ventriloquist Dummy:

#10 – He’s got wood.

Maybe it’s because he was carved out of an old tree, or maybe it’s because he’s a man.  Inconclusive.

#9 – He only speaks when you shove your hand up his ass.

Maybe it’s because he’s a puppet and that’s the only way he can speak…or maybe he’s a man with a girlfriend and thus, that’s the only way he’s allowed to speak.  Again, inconclusive.

#8 – Has a squeaky voice.

Maybe he has a squeaky voice because he’s a dummy or maybe he just suffers from a debilitating testosterone deficiency.  Inconclusive.

#7 – He’s a big dummy.

Maybe he’s a big dummy because he is a dummy but then again, has there ever been a woman in existence who didn’t think that her boyfriend or husband was a big dummy at one point in time or another?  Inconclusive.

#6 – Tells terrible jokes.

Most dummies do, but what man doesn’t?  Inconclusive.

#5 – Might Be an Evil Murderer

Yeah, but then again, any boyfriend might be an evil murderer.  Do you follow your boyfriend all day and night long?  Do you know where he is right now?  Inconclusive.

#4 – Can Still Talk While You’re Drinking Water

Either you’re an exceptional ventriloquist, or just a regular water drinker and your boyfriend likes to talk while you are thirsty.  Inconclusive.

#3 – Can Turn His Head Around 360 Degrees

That could mean that he’s a ventriloquist dummy but it could also mean that he’s been possessed by a demon.  Is your boyfriend a blasphemous heathen that inadvertently invited inexplicable evil to take up residence in his carcass?  Inconclusive.

#2 – His face is expressionless.

Yeah, but most men are bad when it comes to expressing their emotions.  Inconclusive.

#1 – Always has a snappy comeback.

True, that could be a sign that he’s a dummy but keep in mind men tend to say dickish things at extremely inappropriate times.  Inconclusive.

CONCLUSIONS

I have just scientifically proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is literally no way to tell whether or not your boyfriend is a human or a ventriloquist dummy, since there are so many similarities between the two.  Therefore, just to be on the safe side, you must assume your boyfriend is a ventriloquist dummy at all times.

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