Toilet Gator – Chapter 31

“Look at that beauty,” Moses said as he admired Cole’s hand cannon. “Foot long barrel. Point five hundred caliber rounds. Chrome shinier than a nun’s beaver during Lent. You gotta let me shoot it.”

“How many years have you been asking that?” Cole asked.

“Shit, I dunno,” Moses said. “Decade at least.”

“And how many times have I said, ‘No?’” Cole asked.

“Every time,” Moses said. “And frankly Cole, I’m painfully offended that you don’t think a marksman with a resume of confirmed enemy kills as long as my arm wouldn’t be able to handle such a splendiferous piece.”

“It’s nothing personal, Mo,” Cole said. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“Me, get hurt?” Moses asked. “Please.”

“Hell,” Cole said. “First time I fired this thing it knocked me on my ass.”

“That’s ‘cuz you cops only know how to handle those little baby service weapons they give you,” Moses said. “You gotta be a real swingin’ dick to handle the big shit. Come on, give it here.”

“No,” Cole said.

“I need to fire that metal masterpiece Cole,” Moses said. “Shit, ever since you brought that bad boy in here I’ve been obsessed with it. Do you know there’s a video on the inter webs where a dude shoots a charging bull elephant in the face at fifty paces and drops the sucker like its nothing?”

“I don’t do the Internet,” Cole said.

“You should,” Moses said. “Lot of top notch stuff on there. Did you know that the UN is conspiring to give us all ball cancer so that we’ll be too sick to fight their new world order shock troops?”

“I did not,” Cole said.

“Yup,” Moses said. “Read it on the inter webs and you know, if it’s on the inter webs, it must be true. Give it here.”

“Nope,” Cole said.

“Anything, Cole” Moses said. “I know. Asking to touch another man’s gun is the virtual equivalent of asking that man to let you stick three fingers up his wife’s heiney hole but seriously…I’ll do anything.”
“No,” Cole said.

“I’ll suck your dick,” Moses said.

Cole recoiled with revulsion. “What?”

Moses laughed and lightly punched Cole in the shoulder. “Ha! Got you, ya’ dumb shit! You really think I’d suck your dick?”

Cole expelled a deep breath and laughed. “Yeah, you got me.”

Moses slapped his knee. “Yeah, I sure did.”

The shooting instructor straightened up his face and looked at Cole. “But seriously, is that not on the table?”

“Of course it’s not on the table,” Cole said.

Moses laughed again. “Bah ha, got you again, dip shit!”

“Yeah well,” Cole said. “If you’ll excuse me…”

“Free shootin,’” Moses said.

“What?” Cole asked.

“Your gun range fees?” Moses said. “Free. On me. For the rest of your life. Just let me squeeze one off on that sexy son of a bitch.”

Cole was still concerned for Moses’ well-being, but he was no dummy. Free gun range fees meant he’d be able to shoot his massive revolver for free whenever he wanted. That was important to him, seeing as how it was the one activity that ever de-stressed him.

“Deal,” Cole said as he handed the butt of the big gun over to Moses.

Moses marveled at the weapon. “Shit. It’s got some weight to it, huh?”

“Sure does,” Cole said.

“It’s heavier than my dick,” Moses said.

“Nah,” Cole said. “Nothing’s that light.”

“Well, look at you,” Moses said. “Mr. Serious making a funny.”

“Happens maybe once a year,” Cole said. “I’m good now until January.”

Moses aimed the gun at the target and closed one eye. “Damn it. I’ve been looking all over for an Angry Barracuda. Every dealer I know says this puppy is hard to find on account of it was discontinued after that big lawsuit where that kid blew his Daddy’s nuts off. Cryin’ shame that more parents don’t educate their younguns on the ins and outs of proper gun safety protocol if you ask me. You could make a pretty penny if you sell it. Shit, I’d give you nuts and Felix’s nuts for it.”

“Not for sale,” Cole said.

“No,” Moses said. “Shit, I don’t blame you.”

Moses cocked the hammer and hovered his finger over the trigger.

“Careful,” Cole said. “It’s got a kick to it.”

“I’m sure it does, Cole,” Moses said. “What, you think I’m some geek off the street that’s never fired a gun before? I was in the shit.”

“I know,” Cole said.

“Were you in the shit?” Moses asked.

“Just some local shit,” Cole said.

Moses sighed. “Yeah, I know and you’re going to milk that shit forever, Cole. ‘Boo hoo freakin’ hoo! My name is Cole and I got no damn leg so now I’m depressed and moodier than a teenage girl all the time.”

A moment of silence passed.

“Cole, I’m sorry,” Moses said. “That felt like too much. Was that too much?”

“Don’t worry about it.” Cole walked six feet to the left. “I’m just going to stand over here.”

“Don’t blame you,” Moses said. “I wouldn’t want to see another man handle my gun better than I ever…”

BOOM! The paper target disintegrated as Moses flew ten feet backward through the air until he crashed into the wall. Cole sauntered over and offered the marksman a hand. “I tried to warn you.”

Moses looked happier than he’d ever been before. He grinned like an idiot and sniffed the smoking barrel. “Hooo-wee! Smells better than pussy!”

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