Daily Archives: May 15, 2017

BQB’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts Coming Soon!

Bookshelf Q battlers for Amazon

Hey 3.5 readers.

Your old pal, BQB here.

I don’t have an exact date yet but the finishing touches are being put on the epic book, Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts.

Can you feel the excitement in the air?  I can.  And I think it’s actual excitement and not just bad gas.

I’m thinking early June.  I’m not in a rush but assuming all goes well, I don’t see why it would have to be later than June.

So…it’s going to happen.  Huzzah!

It’ll be out on Amazon and you know, 3.5 readers, I don’t ask you for much but I’d love it if you could buy a copy and help fund my lifelong dream of buying a mansion in Malibu and filling the giant attached pool with beautiful women with loose morals.

Wait!  Did I say I wanted to buy a mansion and fill a pool with women with loose morals?  That was clearly a typo.  Silly me.  I meant to say I want to achieve my lifelong dream of being a writer and spread my love of the written word with the masses.

OK.  It’s a little bit about filling a mansion pool with loose women.

Fine.  I’ll be honest.  It’s 5% spreading my love of the written word and 95% filling a Malibu mansion pool with women with loose morals.

At any rate, that pool isn’t going to be filled with women overnight.  The way I figure it, there’s 3.5 of you, so the way I figure it, if I charge $2.99 per book, and if all 3.5 of you buy one, then I have a cool $10.47 coming my way.

Huzzah!  Sunday night special at the Sizzler here I come!  Or maybe just an order of mozzarella sticks and a diet coke with free refills at Applebee’s.

Wait.  Jeff Bezos gets a cut to fund his army of delivery drones that will eventually be used to conquer the world?

Fine.  Cut out the cheese sticks.  It’s just a diet coke for me but hey, free refills!  Nice.  Gotta have dreams, 3.5.  Gotta dream big.  It’s important.

3.5 READERS: But BQB, we’re broke!  We can’t afford $2.99 for your fabulous book!  We just think you should entertain us forever for nothing!

I understand, 3.5.  The economy has sucked boku butt since 2008 and is only now just starting to show signs of coming back around.  But you’ve been forced to scrimp and save and pinch your pennies.  Maybe you lost your dough in the stock market.  Maybe you lost the job.  Maybe you lost your dream and now you’re cleaning bus station toilets.

I get it.  $2.99 doesn’t grow on trees, even if it is for an awesome book by one of the greatest and most humble writers of all time.

That’s fine.  Here’s some shit that you, my 3.5 readers, can do to help me, BQB, achieve my dream of spending 5% of my time spreading my love of the written word to the masses and 95% of my time in a Malibu pool filled with women of ill repute.

You know what?  Let’s make it a top five list:

#1 – Tweet a link to my book.  Or, share a link to my book on Facebook or your preferred time wasting social media site.

#2 – Write a blog post about my book.  Want to write a review?  I could spare a free copy.  I’ll just have to fill my pool with less morally challenged women.  Or better yet, it is a book full of writing prompts.  Take the challenge and write a little something based on one of my prompts and post it, making sure you tell everyone where you got this fabulous prompt.

#3 –  Tell a friend about my book.

#4 – I shouldn’t assume you have a friend.  Lord knows I don’t have any.  Make a friend, then tell that friend about my book.  It will be a good excuse for you to make a friend.

#5 – Pray for high book sales.  I hate to bother God because he’s got a back log of prayers, many of which are more important than my book sales, but you know, if you don’t get in the cue somewhere then you never get served.   Drop a prayer, mark it low priority and the man upstairs will get to it eventually.

In conclusion, 3.5 readers, I know you all have lives but you know, we all have to prioritize.  Are your jobs and livelihoods and family commitments and so forth more important than helping me promote my love of the written word but more importantly, helping me sell books so I can raise the funds necessary to fill a Malibu pool with morally bankrupt women?

I think not.

In seriousness, thank you for all you do, 3.5.  I’ll let you know when the book is up.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – BQB’s Crazy Dream

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

So I had a crazy dream last night.  Here’s how it all went down.

I dreamed there was a TV show where Tom Hanks was a billionaire.  Then there’s this woman who has been down on her luck a long time.  She’s gone to job interview after job interview and no one will hire her.

Finally, she somehow talks Tom Hanks into hiring her to run a start up Internet company.  Tom buys an old historic mansion with lots of charm to serve as the startup company’s headquarters.

The problem is that this woman knows absolutely nothing about the Internet or technology or anything.  She wonders if she’s in too deep but doesn’t say anything because she is dirt broke and needs the money.

But the problem is she doesn’t know what to do with herself while she’s at work because it’s not like she knows how to do anything, so she just starts having sex with her coworkers all day.

Meanwhile, her coworkers know about the Internet and technology and stuff but since their dumb, incompetent boss isn’t really making them do anything, they all start having sex with each other all day.

So it sort of descends into this dirty, cable dramatic sitcom where Tom Hanks is paying all these people to launch an Internet business for him but instead, they’re just all having sex in this fabulous mansion all day.

Occasionally, Tom will stop by the mansion and be all like, “Hey, how’s my new business doing?”

And all the sex perverts will be all like, “Yeah Tom, it’s all going great!”

Then he leaves and they all go back to having sex.

I didn’t dream far enough but I assume that either all these sex perverts eventually get caught by Tom when they fail at the business or maybe, by some miracle, they stumble into actually starting a great Internet business by accident, somewhere during the breaks between sex escapades.

By the way, in my dream, I was watching this show.  Like I was watching it all happen and my mind kept switching from its real to its a show.

And you know what?  It’s about as good as anything else that’s on TV so I’m just going to put this one out there.  If anyone wants to put this on television just drop me a comment and I’ll tell you how to back the Brinks truck up to BQB HQ for my TV development fee.

Have you ever had a crazy dream, 3.5 readers?  Discuss in the comments.

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BQB’s Time Travel Adventures #1 – The 1970s (Or, A Hairy Situation)

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3.5 readers, I don’t want to alarm you, but Dr. Hugo Von Science recently invented a time machine.  He left it at BQB HQ because he didn’t want to pay to put it in storage and made me promise not to use it.

So naturally, I used it…A LOT!

From time to time, I’ll regale you with tales of what I’ve done with this magnificent contraption and how I may have inadvertently changed the course of human history just a wee bit.

First up?  The 1970s.  I was but a mere baby during the very end of this decade, yet I still remember that time I was kicked out of Studio 64.  The conversation went like this:

BABY BQB:  Waah, waah.  Let me in.

BOUNCER:  Scram, baby!

BABY BQB:  Buncha jive ass turkeys.

So, as you can imagine, I was quite pleased to return via time machine to Studio 64 as an adult.  And I was let in this time.  You might wonder how I got in, since they only let in famous, well-to-do people.

Let’s just say I was holding.

“Wow, BQB,” the bouncer said as he opened the door for me.  “These pixy sticks are outta sight, man.”

“I can dig it,” I said as I strolled on in and made my way to the dance floor.

Oh man, 3.5 readers.  The dancing.  The dancing!  People actually danced!  They didn’t just stand around and text emojis to each other on their iPhones like they do today.  Everyone wanted to dance and they’d all just dance with each other.  Fat, thin, ugly, pretty, no one cared.  The music was on.  They all got their groove on.

Plus, it was so much easier to pick up a chick.  You know what happens to me if I try to pick up a chick today?  I get maced in the face.  In the 1970s, they say cool, whatever.

TODAY:

BQB:  Hello, I’m BQB.  Wanna do it?

TODAY’S WOMAN:  Suck mace and prepare for my multi-million dollar lawsuit, buttface!

IN THE 1970s:

BQB:  Hello, I’m BQB.  Wanna do it?

WOMAN:  Sure, I like to do it.

That’s all you had to do.  And people liked beauty.  They tried to look beautiful but you know, they weren’t obsessed with it.  They didn’t spend 24/7 on their looks.  If you had glasses, that didn’t slow you down.  Women would still do it with you because, you know, hey, it’s not your fault God decided you can’t see that well without glasses.

The only caveat?  Women did not shave.  At all.  Like, ever.  Sure, they had a carefree attitude about sex, largely because AIDS had yet to be discovered, but man, getting all up in a 1970s woman’s lady business was like taking a deep journey to the darkest regions of a tropical rainforest.

Seriously.  You didn’t even want to attempt cunnilingus without a weed whacker, possibly a John Deere tractor if she was into that sort of thing.  All I’m saying is before you could plow the field, you had to harvest the crops…so that you could even find the field.

And the smoking?  Man, did people smoke.  I walked around Studio 64 and there would be people just standing around with cigarettes, blowing smoke in each others’ face.  Shit. They’re all probably dead from black lung now but at least they didn’t have to worry about the Surgeon General taking a dump on their parade with his totally accurate yet scary anti-cigarette warnings.

And the drugs.  When the foxy babes weren’t offering you access to their overgrown bushes, they were totally trying to fill you up with all kinds of drugs.  People would just pop pills like they were tic tacs.

I didn’t touch the stuff.  Never have.  Never will.  You shouldn’t either, 3.5.  Pixy sticks are the only high I need.

Anyway, everything was going fine.  The tunes were tight.  The party was far out and groovy.  The giant bushes were everywhere.  But then, some stupid ass ninjas had to go and break in and cause trouble.

“We have come to steal all of the women in here, for if there’s one thing that all ninjas love, it’s ridiculously hairy, unshorn 1970s lady bushes!”  the ninjas all declared in unison.

“Of course that’s what you are after,” I replied.  “I am a man of the world and I know everything, including the fact that ninjas love 1970s women with absurdly untrimmed bushes,” I said.

“We hope that women never start shaving off their bushes,” the ninjas said.  “We like a little mystery whenever we visit her-story.”

“Man,” I said.  “You jive ass ninja turkeys better get all your vagina related activities done by 1995 then because it’s gonna be smooth sailing from thereon.”

Now, I realize I should not have done this.  All those women were destined to be kidnapped.  To save them, I would have to change the course of history.  But I could not help myself.

I jumped into the air and took down all 948 ninjas with one single, solitary roundhouse kick.  My foot connected with all of their faces, knocking them out cold.  The police came, removed the ninja carcasses, and then I partied with all of the incredibly hairy bushed women all night long.

Man, I really had a good time under that disco ball.

Afterwards, I returned to 2017 and consulted with the Fake Institute for Bogus Statistics.  Apparently, bushes are now 25% bushier thanks to my stupid actions.  When I saved those hairy women, women all over the world somehow got the idea that men would be fine if they all just walk around looking like they’ve got Afroman trapped in a leg lock.

So, to you, men of the world, I apologize for all of the bushy bushes I have bestowed upon the world.  But hey, look at it this way…free dental floss.  Am I right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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