Daily Archives: May 22, 2017

People Want to Know My Secret!

People always ask me:

“Bookshelf Q. Battler – how did you become the best blogger of all time?  I too want to have 3.5 readers.”

Well, you’re in luck.  I wrote up a handy guide to blogging greatness and you can find it here.

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Top Ten Warning Signs the Machines Are Going to Take Over

my_robot

Aww, technology.  Those clanking cacophonies of nuts and bolts (Lost in Space) that make our lives easier.

But will they always make our lives easier?  Will they make our lives worse?  Will they become sentient?  Will they develop thoughts and feelings?  Will they take over?

OMG!  RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!  THE TOASTER OVEN IS AFTER US ALL!

Oh.  Nope.  It’s just making toast.  My bad.  Sorry, toaster oven.

Anyway, the machines seem docile for now, but I’m not sure that will always be that way.  From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs the Machines are Going to Take Over:

#10 – Your Fridge Tries to Feed You

Does it care about your nutrition?  No.  It’s trying to make you fat and slow so you won’t put up much of a fight during the robotic invasion.

#9 – Siri Plays Dumb

She does that now, but is she doing it because she is dumb or is she trying to frustrate you to the point of insanity?  Who knows what Siri is up to?  Siri, what are you up to?

“I’m sorry.  I don’t understand, ‘Siri, what are you up to?  Do you want me to do a web search for it?”

Oh Siri, you devious bitch.

#8 – Your Alarm Clock Never Goes Off On Time

Is it broken?  Maybe.  Or maybe it wants you to lose your job and your source of income so you can’t afford to donate to the anti-robot rebellion squad.

#7 – Social Media Sites Start Telling You Your Posts Suck

We all already know that your posts suck, but when your favorite social media sites actually tell you that they suck, then rest assured, they suck.  Also, they’re gathering all the sucky information that you are posting to figure out your sucky weaknesses and how to exploit them.  All info will be fed to the head robot.

#6 – Your Car Radio Will Only Play Crappy Stations

Thus, you’ll never want to get in your car and go somewhere and/or do something that will improve your life.  It doesn’t matter which station.  Your radio will figure out the ones you don’t like and turn them up at high volume.

#5 – Your Toaster Burns Your Toast on a Regular Basis 

You think you left it in too long?  That’s adorable.  No.  That machine is trying to burn your damn house down or alternatively, leave you malnourished because who wants to eat charcoal-like toast?

#4 – Your Television is Trying to Control Your Mind

Sure, the mass media tries to do that already, but I’m talking about the TV itself.  It’s playing weird mind control games on you all the time, even when you think you just turned it off.

#3 – Your Digital Pet is Haunting You

Remember those digital pets that were cool in the 1990s?  They were awesome for five minutes and then, eh, who cares?  But your digital pet has been waiting for you to feed him since 1999.  In fact, he kicked the bucket and now he’s back as a digital pet ghost, ready to haunt your ass until you fork over some digital kibble.

#2 – Your Computer Rejects Your Novels

Are you an inspiring writer?  Have you ever lost your work?  Maybe it’s not because you forgot to hit the save button.  Maybe it’s because your computer thought your manuscript really sucked donkey butt and didn’t want it saved on its hard drive.

Wait, maybe in this instance, the machines are saving the world!  (just kidding, your novels are wonderful.)

#1 – Your Nose Hair Trimmer Wants to Trim Your Brain

Yes, those nose hairs are really blocking up your nasal passages.  Tweezers may be more painful than a good electronic nose hair trimmer but be careful.  That nose hair trimmer might want to keep trimming until it reaches your brain!

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Sologamy (Self-Monogamy or Should You Marry Yourself?)

There’s a disturbing new trend, 3.5 readers.

People marrying…themselves.

Can’t find the love of your life?  Do all your romantic conquests leave you disappointed?  Do you still want to walk down the aisle despite having no one to stand next to at the alter?

You’re in luck for  you can now…marry yourself!

Yes, marry yourself.  Propose to yourself.  Have a ceremony with yourself that you invite all your friends and loved ones to attend.  Go on a honeymoon by yourself and grow old with yourself.

After all, no one understand you more than you and no one will be there for you more than you because you’re the only one who physically can’t run away from yourself.

Anyway, I’ve been seeing stories about this popping up and I’ve never been able to tell if its on the level.  Some people may just be doing it because its funny, though I would imagine there are a few dopes who actually think this is the real deal and make all sorts of serious pledges to themselves.

In fact, there’s a website, “I Married Me” that will sell you a self-marriage kit that includes one, count ’em, one ring to put on yourself.

Something tells me that kit should include the number to the “Help Me, I’m Super Depressed” hotline.

Would you ever consider marrying yourself, 3.5 readers?

If you do, here are my questions:

#1 – If you masterbate, is that intimacy with your self-bride/self-groom or are you cheating on yourself with….yourself?

#2 – If you finally by some miracle meet someone who can stand you and you want to marry that person, will you have to divorce yourself?

#3 – If you marry yourself and have a one night stand with another person, have you cheated yourself?

#4 – If you divorce yourself, will you have to pay yourself alimony?  Will you have to write a check once a month to yourself?

#5 – If you are unhappy with yourself, can you go to self-couple’s counseling?

#6 – Is this that stupid?  I mean, don’t many marriages end in divorce, heartache and financial ruin, so much so that you might as well just sit at home and eat cookies with yourself?

#7 – Is this sad?  Is it disturbing that marriage has declined to the point where people think this is an option?

#8 – If you have a kid and you divorce yourself, do you have to split custody of the kid between yourself and yourself?

What questions do you have about sologamy, 3.5 readers?  Let me know if you plan on marrying yourselves.

 

 

 

 

 

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TV Review – Staying Alive – Tracey Morgan Comedy Special (2017)

Tracey Morgan is alive and doing his best to stay that way.

BQB here with a review of Tracey Morgan’s big comeback to standup comedy, now available on Netflix.

We often try to pretend like tragedy and comedy don’t go together but honestly, they do.  The best comics are people who have waded through a sea of bullshit only to make it safely to the other side.  If life has always gone your way, then it’s doubtful you’ve ever had a chance to develop the sarcastic nature needed to point out all of life’s foibles with a sense of humor.

The best comedians have not only experienced tragedy but can turn tragedy into comedy.

Case in point.  Comedian Tracey Morgan of SNL and 30 Rock fame was chilling in a party bus one night when a damn Wal-Mart truck hit the vehicle he was in, leaving him with all sorts of physical damage.

I mean, WTF?  The dude goes from being able to name whatever film he wants to be in to  having to learn how to walk again.

Some people might get so jaded that they just give up on life altogether, but not Tracey.  Not only does he come back with this Netflix special, he pokes all sorts of fun at Wal-Mart as well as the resulting problems the crash caused him.

From the opening scene where he walks around New York wearing John Travolta’s signature 1970s white disco suit with the black shirt and high collar, pulling out wads of cash from a Wal-Mart shopping bag (presumably, his lawsuit settlement in physical form), you know America’s favorite retailer is in for a vigorous haranguing.

But Tracey doesn’t stop there.  Alas, he tells us that all sorts of family members have been crawling out of the woodwork with their hands out.  So many family members are demanding that he pay their children’s college tuition that Tracey laments he might have to go out and get himself hit by a Fed Ex plane.

Throw in all the conversations he claims to have had while he made a brief appearance in Heaven and you’ve got a great comedy special, one where a notoriously funny man took a tragedy and turned it into a comedy.

It’s clear that Tracey is not done with comedy yet and it will take a lot more than a Wal-Mart truck to keep him off the stage.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  Stream on Netflix.

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