You can be loved but then people may walk all over you.
You can be feared. No one will like you but they’ll be too scared to cross you.
Which one is better, 3.5 readers?
You can be loved but then people may walk all over you.
You can be feared. No one will like you but they’ll be too scared to cross you.
Which one is better, 3.5 readers?
Ahh, Disney World. Loved it when I was younger. Don’t quite get why people continue to flip out about it way into their adulthood now that I’m older.
Except for the food. OK. I get the appeal if we’re talking about the food. Disney World isn’t just about the rides. It’s about stuffing your face, for Mickey Mouse puts out one damn fine spread.
Sure, you’re already being charged an arm and a leg for your room, for park admission, for souvenirs, for that bottle of water that you don’t want to take out a loan for but you break down and get it anyway because it’s so damn hot…all that could make you go for some of Mickey’s cheaper fast food options.
But hell, if you’re down there and opening your wallet anyway, you might as well treat yourself. Ready for BQB’s Disney restaurant recommendations? Cool.
From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are my Top Ten Favorite Places to Eat in Disney World:
#10 – The Earl of Sandwich – Disney Springs (Formerly Downtown Disney)
Why the heck did they have to change Downtown Disney to Disney Springs? I know they really built up the place in recent years, but “Downtown Disney” sounded cool and hip whereas “Disney Springs” sounds like I’m going to get a massage or something.
Anyway, this is the area where Disney visitors can do mad shopping and crazy eating. While this list will be mostly devoted to sit down restaurants, I must add it because I love it and I try to get there at least once during a Disney sojourn.
Usually, other dummies in my party will be shopping, spending hours comparing one Mickey shirt to another or some other such stupid activity, so I will sneak away and get one of the Earl’s fantastic sandwiches. They must be good, since the Earl invented them, after all.
I’ve had their meatball sandwiches and their Thanksgiving sandwich with turkey, cranberry sauce and stuffing. The former was great but the latter is what I get every time and probably always will from now on. Have fun looking at the Mickey shirts, dummies, BQB is getting a sandwich.
#9 – Le Cellier Steakhouse – Canada – Epcot
Oh Canada! My home and native land! True patriot love…and something with maple syrup on it!
You gotta get yourself a reservation here. Actually, important tip. You pretty much need to get yourself a reservation at any restaurant that’s worthwhile in the House of Mouse.
Delicious steaks that taste like they were cut straight from the cow’s butt. And cheese soup. Mickey and I have something in common: we both love cheese and we often walk around in our shorts with no shirt on.
#8 – Boma – Animal Kingdom Lodge
The cool thing about Disney World is it has its own transportation system, so even if you aren’t staying at one particular hotel, you can still visit another one if there’s something cool there you’d like to check out.
In this case, I recommend you check out the breakfast buffet at Boma in the Animal Kingdom Lodge. Come for the eats, stay for the Guava juice. Mmm, that’s good guava!
#7 – Beaches and Cream – Disney Beach Club
Disney has a super expensive, ultra swanky hotel called Disney’s Yacht and Beach Club. One part is the Yacht Club. One part is the Beach Club. I stayed there one time as a youngster and felt like I was frigging Thurston Howell or something. Funny, back then, I said, “When I’m an adult I’ll have so much money I’ll be able to stay at places like this for months on end!”
But yeah, now I just run a blog for 3.5 readers, so that never happened. Boo! Up your nose with a rubber hose, failed life plans!
Anyway, you don’t have to stay there to eat here, though yeah, get a reservation. It’s a cool little 1950’s style Ice Cream Shoppe. Stop watching your waist line. Eat ice cream. You’re on vacation.
#6 – AMC Fork and Screen Theaters – Disney Springs – West Side
Some people may not count a movie theater as a good place to dine but what do they know? As a movie buff, I think the AMC theater at Disney Springs – West Side is one of the best theaters I have ever visited and no matter how packed it gets, I have yet to have to suffer neck pain by sitting up front.
If you don’t get the dining option, they have those fabulous seats that are like mini-couches you can recline in. Plus, they have those Coca Cola Freestyle machines where you can push all sorts of buttons in order to flavor your carbonated beverage to your personal desire. Such a fun way to put yourself on the path to diabetes.
If you do choose the dining option, you get a pretty cool place to sit, and a menu and a call button. Watch that movie, hit that call button, and your waitress will just bring you all kinds of food, popcorn, soda, snacks, she’ll pretty much put a funnel in your mouth and cram it all down your cake hole until your movie is over if you want.
#5 – Crystal Palace – Main Street USA – Magic Kingdom
Great buffet. There are several character breakfasts where you can eat Mickey shaped waffles and have Mickey and friends come to say hello to everyone at the table. This is a pretty good one as you can start your day early at the Magic Kingdom and then get off to the rides. ‘Ohana, located at the Polynesian Resort, is my other favorite place for a character breakfast.
#4 – Disney’s Spirit of Aloha Dinner Show
Speaking of the Polynesian Resort, this place is basically like stepping into Hawaii. They have a luau dinner show with hula dancing, all kinds of awesome tricks, many of which involve fire. I mean, tricks with fire, people, what more do I have to say? You’ll definitely need a reservation. You can’t just walk right into this one.
#3 – STK Orlando
This is a fairly new one and I was a little iffy on it at first. It’s totally hipster. Like imagine a restaurant invented by a dork with a fedora with a neckbeard and this is the restaurant you’d get. The lighting is low, the ambience is trendy but the food is pretty tasty. All kinds of steaks with different options to get your steak, plus other food as well. I don’t know if it was just our waiter who made the experience great and perhaps you need that exact waiter to make it a good experience, but he was like a food genius who could tell you every little thing about the food. Kids probably won’t like it though.
#2 – Rainforest Cafe – Animal Kingdom
Sure, they have them all over the country, but if you haven’t been to one yet, you should go to this one. Good food. Automatronic animals doing wacky things.
#1 – T-Rex – Disney Springs
Who doesn’t love dinosaurs? The kids will love this one. All kinds of automatronic dinos wreak havoc as you shove prehistoric themed food down your pie hole. Just don’t become the T-Rex’s dinner.
There’s a fantastic ice cream place in France in Epcot I love. I usually have to go there once. I blame Epcot for my fatness. They swore they were going to teach me about science and the world but they just made me fat.
Also, one time, many moons ago, I ate lunch at the ESPN Club on the Boardwalk and got to see the taping of a live sports radio show while doing so. Not sure if they still do that but I assume so. I ate something called a “Dinger Sandwich” which was a word I was surprised to see on the menu and I made fun of it for the rest of the trip but apparently it is a golf term. Worth checking out if you are into sports.
Coral Reef at Epcot – eat, watch the fish, sometimes a diver will even swim by.
As the day wore on, Maude found herself in the undesirable predicament of fielding all sorts of complaints and inquiries regarding the Toilet Killer. Many of them were even delivered in person.
“Yo, I don’t want to alarm you, but I’m ninety-nine percent sure that the Toilet Killer is my boy Reggie.”
Maude studied the face of the man seated next to her desk. He was over thirty, yet still wore a backwards baseball cap. He wore a basketball jersey over a pair of faded jeans. Also, for some inexplicable reason, he spoke like he was some kind of white rapper.
“And why do you think that, sir?” Maude asked.
“Yo, because my boy Reggie hates it when someone rolls up in his crib and takes a shit in his toilet, boo,” the white rapper said.
“I’m not your boo, young man,” Maude said.
“That’s cool,” the white rapper said. “One day I was all like, workin’ on my beats, tryin’ to get a demo together so I can become the next Stank Daddy when all of a sudden I hear Reggie yellin’ at a dude for shittin’ in his toilet.”
“Perhaps this Reggie character just likes a clean toilet,” Maude said.
“Yeah, but check it,” the white rapper said. “This one time, my boy Mikey took a shit in Reggie’s toilet and Reggie was all like, ‘Yo man, if you ever shit in my toilet again I’m gonna bust a cap in you ass, G.”
“And so you theorize this Reggie fellow is running around killing people who shit?” Maude said.
The white rapper tapped the side of his head. “Now you thinkin,’ Grandma. I think that Reggie is out there like, tryin’ to kill everyone who shits so they won’t like, come back to his crib and shit in his toilet because Reggie don’t like it when he’s got a stinky ass toilet, ya heard?”
Maude passed the white rapper a form. “Fill out this police report and return it when you can.”
“OK,” the white rapper said. “Yo, are you all like, gonna arrest Reggie and shit?”
“Our diligent police force will look into the matter and take it from there,” Maude said.
“Cool yo,” the white rapper said. “Shit, I don’t wanna rat on my boy but I don’t want no more peeps gettin’ killed for shittin’ yo.”
The white rapper walked away. Maude shook her head in disgust as she looked out at the sea of weirdos, dinguses, attention seekers and utter reprobates waiting to speak to someone about the Toilet Killer.
“Burt,” Maude said. “Can you field some of these dummies?”
Burt was too busy on the phone. “Uh huh…yeah…ok…no ma’am, I’m not a doctor but I really think it isn’t healthy for you to hold your shit in for so long. No…no…no I have no idea if it is possible to surgically remove a shit from your body to avoid sitting on the toilet….no…no…no I do not recommend trying to perform a surgery like that on yourself….ma’am, this is ridiculous…just….yes…uh huh….ma’am just go to the bathroom….no….no, of course I can’t guarantee your safety while you’re on the bowl but if you really feel like you need to go…”
Maude sighed. She turned her attention back to the sea of losers. “Next!”
A young woman with crazy eyes and a shiny red bow in her hair sat down in front of Maude’s desk. She carried a fluffy white cat that she allowed to sit on her lap.
“How may I help you?” Maude asked.
The young woman looked around the room in a paranoid manner, then turned to Maude. “My name is Melanie and I need to talk to you about the Toilet Killer everyone’s been talking about on TV.”
“Yes,” Maude said in a sarcastic manner. “Thank God for Network News One. They’re making our jobs so much easier around here.”
Melanie leaned in over Maude’s desk and whispered. “The killer is in this room.”
“He is?” Maude asked.
“Don’t be sexist!” Melanie snapped. “Women can be killers too.”
“You think the killer is a woman?” Maude asked.
“Yes!” Melanie whispered.
“And she’s in this room?” Maude asked.
“Yes,” Melanie said.
“OK,” Maude said as she looked around the room. “I’ll play along. Who is it?”
Melanie looked at Maude, then to her cat, then at Maude, then to her cat.
“Hon, I don’t get it,” Maude said. “What are you doing with your face there? Are you not feeling well?”
Melanie covered up the cat’s ears with her hands. “It’s Miss Kitty!”
“Pardon me?” Maude asked.
“Miss Kitty!” Melanie declared. “My cat is the Toilet Killer!”
“Ma’am,” Maude asked. “I’m sorry to ask this but do you have any issues with mental illness?”
“Me?” Melanie asked. “Why are you accusing me? I’m not the crazy one here. Miss Kitty is the one running around, scratching people to death because she wants a world where toilets are no more and litter boxes reign supreme!”
“Ma’am,” Maude said. “I really think you ought to go home, get some sleep, and then call a good psychiatrist first thing in the morning.”
“I know this sounds crazy,” Melanie said.
“It does,” Maude said. “It really does. That’s the first sane thing you’ve actually said.
“But it’s true,” Melanie said. “Miss Kitty has killed before and she will kill again! You must take me seriously.”
“We take everyone seriously,” Maude said as she handed Melanie a police report form. “Fill this out. Bring it back when you can.”
Melanie picked up Miss Kitty and handed her over to Maude. Maude refused to take the cat.
“Aren’t you going to arrest her right now?”
“No,” Maude said. “Just fill out that report and one of our officers will take it from there.”
Melanie put Miss Kitty back on her lap and covered the feline’s ears again. “So you’re just going to send me home with this monster?”
“I’m sorry,” Maude said. “But you know what the Constitution says. Miss Kitty is innocent until proven guilty.”
Melanie pounded her fist down on Maude’s desk. “Curse the Constitution’s oily hide!”
“OK then,” Maude said. “Bye bye.”
Miss Kitty meowed as Melanie stood up. “Come along, Miss Kitty. Looks like you get off once again on an arcane legal technicality!”
Maude sniffed up some extra oxygen through her nose tubes. “What a day.”
The old gal turned to Burt. He was on another call. “Uh huh…uh huh…yes, I understand what you’re saying sir but no, I have no way of telling you whether or not Russian spies have inserted explosive devices in every single toilet in America…uh huh…right…no I’m sorry but we can’t send an officer to your home to see whether or not there is a bomb in your toilet…well, why can’t you check? Uh huh….uh huh…well sir, when it comes to the subject of blowing up a toilet with a bomb, your knowledge and my knowledge are the same, so I’d say if you’ve taken a good look at your toilet and you don’t see any explosive devices, then you’re probably good to go…”
“It’s like every asshole in Florida with nothing better to do is converging on this place,” Maude said. “Next!”
Professor Lambert took a seat in front of Maude’s desk. “Good day, Madam.”
“Hello,” Maude said. “How may I help you?”
“My name is Professor Elliot Lambert. I hold multiple advanced degrees, the most relevant of which pertaining to this conversation are my doctorates in animal biology and animal physiology.”
Maude took a sip of coffee. “Son, can we speed this along?”
“I beg your pardon?” the professor asked.
“I’ve been taking reports all day,” Maude said. “One guy thinks aliens are putting micros coping devices in our food that makes our bodies explode when we go to the bathroom. One lady swears she saw Elvis in a bus station bathroom and thinks he might have something to do with this. Another guy, some dopey looking moron, was in here earlier saying that he thinks there’s a parallel universe where people die when they shit and somehow a tear in the fabric of the space-time continuum has caused our world to run into this one.”
“I’m sorry,” Professor Lambert said. “I suppose there a lot of unstable people out there.”
“Yeah,” Maude said. “So what’s your story? Nice lab coat get up you got there. You some kind of nerd who got lost on the way to the comic book convention, come here to get your jollies by wasting the police department’s time?”
“No Madam,” Professor Elliot said. “I am an esteemed Professor of Animal Biology at Sitwell Community College.”
“Now you’re losing me,” Maude said. “‘Esteemed’ and ‘Sitwell Community College’ are words that are rarely used in the same sentence.”
“Don’t I know it,” Professor Lambert said. “Madam, I assure you, I would not be taking up your time if I did not have something very important to tell you.”
Maude sighed. “You know what? You’ve convinced me there’s a slight chance you might be on the level. Go ahead. Tell me what’s up.”
“A toilet gator,” Professor Lambert said.
“A toilet what now?” Maude asked.
“An alligator,” Professor Lambert said. “As a scientist, it is my professional opinion that there is a carnivorous reptile of immense size, dwelling somewhere within the Floridian sewer system as we speak and using it as a subterranean highway. It chooses its victims careful, with cunning accuracy, charging upward through their toilets, grinding them to death with its razor sharp teeth, then retreating back into the sewer system, leaving the investigating authorities none the wiser.”
Maude quietly stared at the Professor for a few seconds until she finally handed him a form. “Here, fill out a report.”
“This is very important,” Professor Lambert said. “I need to speak to someone in charge immediately or more people will die.”
“It’s ok,” Maude said. “Just fill out this report and if one of our officers finds it credible we’ll put out an APB on this giant toilet lizard.”
Professor Lambert stared at Maude. “You’re scoffing at me.”
“No,” Maude said. “I’m required by law to take a report from every weirdo who wants to fill them out and I assure you, tax payer dollars will actually be used to pay the salary of a police officer to spend his time looking into whether or not your claim of a sewer dwelling crocodile is legitimate.”
“It’s not a crocodile,” Professor Lambert said. “It’s an alligator. Don’t be absurd.”
“Alright then, sir,” Maude said. “If there’s nothing else…”
Professor Lambert put his briefcase up on Maude’s desk, clacked it open, and handed the old gal a massive ream of paper. “There’s something else,” Professor Lambert said.
“What is this?” Maude asked.
“This is a copy an eight-hundred page treatise I wrote, detailing the ability of enormous, water dwelling animals and their ability to travel through sewer systems and up into toilets for the sole purpose of attacking the rear-end of an unsuspecting victim,” Professor Lambert said.
“Uh huh,” Maude said.
“I have traveled the world, Madam,” Professor Elliot said. “I have conducted extensive research on this issue and I have documented cases of toilet gators in the Nile Delta, China and Australia as well as a toilet shark in Guam, a toilet anaconda in Brazil, toilet beavers the Yukon and though my findings were never fully conclusive, I believe there was one case in India of a toilet killer whale.”
“Sir,” Maude said. “I really am doing my best to try to placate you into thinking that I’m taking you seriously but you’re making it awfully hard.”
The professor closed up his suitcase and stood up. “You leave me no choice but to contact the press.”
“You do that, sir,” Maude said. “The press loves a good freak show.”
“I don’t have to stand here and take this,” Professor Lambert said as he stormed off. “Good day!”
Maude took one look at the Professor’s massive treatise, then chucked it into her trash can. “Toilet gator. You believe that Burt. Burt?”
Burt was too busy on the phone. “No Ma’am…I do not believe your toilet is haunted by a poltergeist.”
No turning back now. So much of my life devoted to writing a book about a toilet gator.
I question my life choices.
Hey 3.5 readers.
BQB here. Who else would it be?
Sit down for this, because it’s time for me to complain, Uncle Hardass style.
Have you ever gone to a big movie, only to find that the last few seats are right up in front of the screen?
Seriously. What kind of BS is that?
I hate it when that happens. You just don’t experience the same joy in watching the film as everyone else does.
First, you have to crane your neck so badly just to see anything, that I feel like I have to get a Shiatzu massage just to be able to move my head afterwards.
Second, you can’t see everything. When you are further back, you can see it all. When you are up close, you have to look at one character and then when another character starts talking, you literally have to turn your head and look at the other character. This is madness!
Third, I don’t even sit that close to my television at home because it makes me sick so why would I do it with a ginormous screen?
This rant is coming to you because this has happened to me many times, most recently when I saw Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 last night, the East Randomtown Cineplex was so full that I had to be jammed like a piece of meat right up against the screen.
This is crap. Crap, I say! It shouldn’t be happening in America and I know you all have causes that are near and dear to your hearts but I urge you to drop all of them and join with me in focusing on urging movie theater companies to make their theaters larger so that more seats can be put in the back.
No one should have to sit right up front like a jackass. Literally no one enjoys this. Seriously, if you can find one person who can pass a lie detector test while saying, “I like sitting in the front row at a movie theater!” then I will give that person 3.5 dollars.
(Offer not valid in America, Canada, Europe, the Netherlands, Paraguay, Earth, the Universe, or any concept beyond the universe we have yet to discover, so in other words, nowhere.)
3.5 READERS: But BQB, you should have gotten there earlier. Then you would have gotten a better seat.
I have a life, 3.5 readers! I have a job at Beige Corporation and I have all kinds of mythical characters I take care of. I have a blog read by 3.5 people that I have to write.
Plus, so what? So what if I do start showing up early? What am I gonna do? Sit in the back and not give a crap about the poor schmuck who has to sit in the front row because he has a life? I can’t enjoy movies while I’m siting in the back of the theater while knowing that some poor person is sitting up front with a pained neck.
I’m sorry, people, but we’re either in this together as a collection of movie theater goers, or we aren’t in this as all. Big Theater, the term I use to describe the theater industry, wants us all to start fighting each other like one big production of Lord of the Flies with popcorn but we need to stick together. If one theater goer is not happy, then I am not happy.
Except the guy who isn’t happy because he’s asking seventeen questions about a scene that happened twelve scenes ago. Eff that guy. If you don’t get a scene, just do what I do and make some shit up to plug in the gap then go look up what you didn’t understand on the Internet when you get home.
3.5 READERS: But BQB, movie theaters will have to shell out a lot of money to make their theaters bigger. They make money by making smaller theaters and squishing more people into smaller spaces. They can’t afford big expenditures in an environment where the entertainment market has become saturated with umpteen zillion live streaming shows and services.
Stop being a sheep, 3.5 readers. No, you know what? Here’s my impression of you. “Bah! Bah! We’re 3.5 sheep! Bah, bah! Someone come sheer us and turn our wool into sports bras! Bah!”
You can be a sheep or a shepherd, 3.5 readers. Which one do you think Jesus picked, 3.5?
The theaters are shepherding you into believing this and you’re all just sitting in the front row with your necks craned up in the air, looking to the left when Rocket Raccoon talks and then to the right when Star-Lord talks and trying to contain the headache and neck pain you are experiencing because some corporate theater stooge felt it was perfectly fine to sell you a seat where your face is literally plastered to a fifty foot tall screen.
God, I wish I could start screaming like Sam Kinison right now. He was a comedian from the 1980s that screamed a lot, 3.5 readers. Go look him up. I don’t have time to explain who people are to you. Either Google things on your own without me having to tell you or get a time machine and go back in time and convince your parents to hump earlier so you’ll be older now and understand more things.
Besides, the fact that theaters have to compete with so many different live stream options now is all the more reason to make the movie theater experience a better one. Do you think if they keep making TVs better and better that I’m going to keep going to movie theaters and crane my neck up like a jackass?
Yes. I probably will. Because I love movie theaters. But most people won’t. And that’s a problem, because movie theaters are facing a lot of stiff competition and I absolutely do not want to see them go the way of the dodo, the way that bookstores and movie rental stores went thanks to the Internet. Movie theaters are one of the last true communal places we go as a society and if we lose them then we lose everything.
I’m here. I’ve got neck pain. I’m mad as hell and I’m not taking a seat up front anymore!
3.5 READERS: BQB, when you walk in the theater and see there are only a few seats up front left, why don’t you go back to the ticket booth and ask for a refund then leave?
“Bahh! Bahhh!” That’s you.
First, what am I going to do? Not see the movie? Usually, I have someone with me who wants to see the movie, so what am I going to do? Tell that person they can’t see the movie?
Second, I’ve bought popcorn and soda already. What am I going to do? Return it? They can’t take that back. I might have stuck an unsavory bodily appendage in there. I mean, I didn’t, but they can’t know that for sure so they can’t refund me and then serve the popcorn to someone else without one hundred percent assurance that I didn’t drop a booger into my popcorn bag.
And what would I do? Bring the popcorn home and eat it in my bed like an idiot, all because the theater did plan properly to accommodate all of their ticket purchasers? No. No, I think not.
Third, if it’s already a busy movie night where a big movie has been sold out, then that means I’m going to have to stand in a long line in the hopes of getting a refund, though in all likelihood, they’ll probably tell me they can’t refund it. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. I don’t know.
3.5 READERS: BQB you whiney bastard, do you have any real solutions to this national nightmare?
#1 – Build bigger theaters with more seats toward the back. If not, then…
#2 – Put a sign in the lobby that a clerk is required to light up that tells prospective ticket buyers that only front row seats are available. Better yet, make it so that the clerk knows that when he sells me a ticket so he can tell me, “Hey man, you’re gonna have a sore neck, just want you to know for sure.” Let me decide if the movie is worth hiring a Swedish masseuse after.
#3 – The theater should provide complimentary neck pillows and Swedish masseuses named Inga to massage the necks of all who are forced to sit at the very front of the theater.
#4 – Just install some iPads in the front rows that are set to play along with big screen. Put those in the front row. I’ll listen to the sound and watch the film on the iPad. Smaller screen, but my neck won’t be in traction for days later.
#5 – Just kick me in the nuts and take my money because that’s literally how it feels like when I walk into a theater and find that the front row seats are the only seats available.
What say you, 3.5 readers? You’re all with me on this, right? Share your tales of bad movie theater seats in the comments.