Police throughout the south are warning residents not to flush their meth down the toilet, for it ends up in the water and this creates cranked up meth gators.
Note to self: put “Toilet Meth Gator” on the sequel schedule.
Hi 3.5 readers. Sorry I haven’t written much lately. ut
A) I just haven’t felt like it and B) when I do feel like it, I have been focused on writing books. I feel at this point, if this is going to go anywhere, it will be through books.
The good news is I believe Toilet Gator, the best novel ever written about toilets, gators, or toilet gators, will be out by the end of the year…so, if you’re looking for a last minute gift for a friend or loved one, then I can’t think of a better gift to celebrate the birth of our lord and savior than a book about an alligator who eats people while they are pooping.
In other news, I’m not sure how wise this is, but I think for the foreseeable future, I’ll be working on “The Toilet Gator Franchise.” Right now, I’m working on the first sequel, “Toilet Shocker,” about a madman who sends eels up into the toilets of people to shock them to death while they are pooping. Interesting wrinkle – he shocks a few people first to prove he means business, then from there it’s a heist novel. He wants to steal something and will shock the butts of those who have it until they give it to him.
The “something” is a golden statue of Saddam Hussein and the people getting their butts shocked were part of a military unit who stole the statue for themselves as a tontine i.e. they agreed the last of them to die would get the statue. I wonder at this point if Saddam is a dated reference but then again, when I was a kid in the 1980s, there were tons of action movies about Vietnam vets turned badasses for hire whose wartime activities come back to haunt them.
I did have one other book idea, unrelated to toilets or toilet animals. that I love and I worked on that a long time this year but I guess I decided to just focus on making at least one Toilet Gator sequel based on the idea that sequels seem to make money. After all, this year I bought a book by one author, liked it, then I ended up buying his other two sequels.
One thing I have learned is that books are short. No more than 100,000 is standard and that is hard for me. Toilet Gator is 180,000 and a bit over and I can’t seem to get anything going that’s under a hundred thousand.
I believe the problem is that I write comedies. And so, the joke setups take extra time. Regular novels are pretty straightforward but I have to crowbar jokes in there to make people laugh. I did have one beta reader tell me though Toilet Gator was long, she breezed through it because it was funny and didn’t require a lot of focus mentally.
Anyway, that’s it. I hope all 3.5 of you are doing well. I hope you will buy 3.5 copies of Toilet Gator when it comes out. I really could use the $10.50.
Coming soon to a toilet near you…
Hey 3.5 readers.
20 months. A year and a half. That’s how long I’ve been writing this book:
You might think this book is cheap, throwaway drivel and that I’ve wasted a year and a half on tomfoolery. Technically, you’d be right, except you aren’t, because this is by far the best book ever written.
It’s a tale of passion…romance, love, betrayal, horror and people being eaten by a giant lizard while they are pooping.
It’s a tale of redemption, of how a broken down, defeated officer of the law makes amends with his ex-wife and learns to forgive himself for his past mistakes while hunting down…a giant lizard who eats people while they are pooping.
It’s a parody that mocks our news media entertainment complex, our political system, restores comedy to its natural, off the chain, no holds barred, everyone gets offended because that’s what good comedy does state…and it’s also about a giant lizard who eats people while they are pooping.
Thank you for joining me on this adventure.
I am but one man. I like to think I am superhuman, that I am capable of anything, but from time to time, my health reminds me that I am only capable of so much.
Unfortunately, I can’t write about people getting eaten while they are pooping 24/7. I just can’t. I wish I could. I really do. No, I really do. That would be an awesome job.
But that day isn’t here yet, so in the meantime, I must work, and take care of myself, and take time to exercise, eat well, relax, and destress. Novels about people being eaten while they are pooping will have to be written during the random, sweet moments of time I get to steal from the various forces of the world that keep me down.
I have so many ideas, but for now I must put them on my magic bookshelf. Don’t worry. They’ll be there when the time is right.
For now, I’ll focus on Toilet Gator Sequels, and on continuing the story of “The Last Driver.”
Perhaps one glorious day, novels about human eating alligators will make me rich, and I can write about alligators eating unsuspecting bathroom users all day. Why, that’s been the dream of many a writer ever since Gutenberg invented the printing press, so I would be very blessed by such a life.
But I’m not there yet, and if it’s ever to happen, it will take time and patience.
Some rest tonight, then I’ll be sending “Toilet Gator” to my editor soon, and then I’ll…well I think I might actually take a crack at “Toilet Shocker” next and see how that goes.
There are times in my life where I get very sad…when I think about all I hoped for in my youth and compare it with how I barely got 1 percent of a percent of a percent of what I wanted.
But then I remember I live in a world where the dream of self-publishing a book about a giant lizard who eats people while they are pooping is not only real, but you can also pay women in medical lab coats to talk about it:
Thank you for being my 3.5 readers.
Inspired by the events of “Toilet Gator,” a madman puts highly intelligent electric eels into the sewer system, making them swim up into the toilets of unsuspecting victims to shock their butts.
It’s a comedy! A very dark comedy. I know. It doesn’t sound like a comedy.
Advise me, 3.5 readers.
Is this a good cover?
Hey 3.5 readers.
I’m worried I might be giving away trade secrets here but oh well, only 3.5 people read this blog anyway.
I have decided for the time being I will stick with “The Last Driver” and “Toilet Gator,” bouncing between the two of them.
I have an idea in mind for a Toilet Gator sequel. In this one, there is a madman who sends electric eels up into toilets. The eels attach themselves to unsuspecting butts and then the psycho can control the eels so he threatens to have the eels shock people in the butt until they are fried to a crisp unless he gets what they want.
Originally, I wanted to call this book, “Toilet Shocker.”
However, the madman is inspired by Thomas Hobbes’ Leviathon, which tells us that men are, by nature, barbarians and without government to tame them, life is “nasty, brutish and short.” It would take me a while to explain but basically he wants the world to descend into government-less anarchy, making people doubt government as the govt cant save them from butt shocks.
So now I’m thinking of calling it “Toilet Leviathon.”
ARGUMENT TO CALL IT TOILET SHOCKER: It’s about people who get shocked on the toilet. If it is about people getting toilet shocked, then people show know that up front. The cover could be an electric eel with spots flying about him popping out of a toilet.
ARGUMENT FOR CALLING IT TOILET LEVIATHON – A leviathon is an ancient, biblical sea monster, an allegory that all the world’s evil takes the form of a monster that swallows us all. I believe that’s what Hobbes was getting at when he called his book Leviathon, that if man didn’t give up his naturally barbaric ways and seek a higher existence through government, then man’s collective evil, like a sea monster, would swallow the world.
It’s a cool name and the cover could feature a sea monster popping out of a toilet, but it would be false advertising as a sea monster never pops out of a toilet. I suppose a metaphysical one does as the madman convinces people to resort to their barbarian ways.
OTHER THOUGHTS – I’m not 100 percent sold on this one because umm…in my head, it doesn’t seem funny. I mean, maybe I’ll find the humor when I start writing but…you know…if I can’t think of a way to make toilet shocks funny then I might hold back and just move to my other funny sequel ideas.
Toilet Shocker or Toilet Leviathon?
Hey 3.5 readers.
Your old pal BQB here. Just an FYI, I haven’t been posting much lately because I am hard at working finishing up Toilet Gator, which is the best novel ever written about toilets, gators, or toilet gators.
Hey 3.5 readers.
Hold onto your butts. I’m so proud to announce that the third draft of Toilet Gator, the best novel ever written about an alligator who eats people while they are pooping, begins today. I hope this will be the last draft needed and then I’ll be able to get it to the editor later this summer.
I just hope I will be able to remain humble when the literary awards start coming my way.
Hey 3.5 readers.
I’m so happy to report that the second draft of Toilet Gator is complete. It will need a third draft, but there is a light at the end of this toilet.