Daily Archives: May 29, 2017

Happy Memorial Day, 3.5 Readers

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Toilet Gator – Chapter 74

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With guns drawn, Rusty and Bishop waded through an underground sewer of sludge most foul. The stench was putrid and it invaded their nostrils, filling them with a need to vomit that they desperately fought against.

“Fuck me,” Rusty said. “Again, I only say that as a figurative of speech.”

“You don’t need to keep explaining yourself,” Bishop said.

“What is this asshole doing down here?” Rusty asked. “I mean, he’s got us sloshing through a river of shit, piss, used toilet paper, used condoms, used syringes and I’m ninety percent sure an unwanted prom baby just floated by me.”

“Complaining about it just makes it worse,” Bishop said.

“I’ve got AIDS now,” Rusty said. “I’ve definitely got like fifty diseases. I can feel the diseases just pouring out of this place and into my body.”

Bishop could hear Buford’s voice coming from around a corner just up ahead. “Shh!”

Rusty and Bishop stood quietly in the muck and listened.

“Can we come to some kind of an agreement?” Buford asked.

“Raarga,” Skippy replied.

The reptilian voice startled the duo.

“What the fuck was that?” Rusty whispered.

Bishop shrugged his shoulders in response.

“I’ll bring back one drifter to the motel per month,” Buford said. “No need to bust through toilets in public places and eat people with actual lives. I’ll just bring home a nobody and you can chow down.”

“Raarga, raarga,” Skippy said.

“You love the thrill of the chase?” Buford asked.

“Raarga,” Skippy said.

“And the media circus?” Buford asked.

“Raarga,” Skippy said.

“You want all eyes on you?” Buford asked.

“Raarga,” Skippy said.

“Oh Skippy,” Buford said. “It’s like I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

“Raarga!” Skippy shouted.

“No, I didn’t bring anyone with me,” Buford said.

“Raarga, raarga, raarga,” Skippy said.

“You smell two other people?” Buford asked.

Bishop gulped. Rusty mouthed the words, “Oh shit.”

“You must be mistaken,” Buford said.

“Raarga!” Skippy said.

“Double-crosser?” Buford asked. “Skippy, you know I’d never turn you in. Look, I’m just going to peak my head around this corner and…”

Buford did just that and caught sight of the cop and the FBI agent.

“Freeze!” Bishop said as he pointed his gun at Buford.

Rusty aimed for the nerd as well. “Drop your weapon!”

Buford complied, setting his AR-15 gently down into the muck. He put his hands up and faced the officers.

“Sirs,” Buford said. “I have no problem obeying you but I must tell you that you’re going to have a much more difficult time with my associate.”

“Cut the shit and tell him to get out here with his hands up,” Bishop said.

“Yeah,” Rusty said. “And if he’s armed, we’ll blow him away!”

Buford sighed and turned. Rusty and Bishop were unable to see who exactly Buford was talking to from their vantage point.

“Skippy,” Buford said. “Some gentlemen would like a word…”

A dull, low roar echoed throughout the sewer.

“What was that?” Rusty asked.

Buford turned back to Bishop and Rusty once more. “Gentlemen, you’d better run.”

The nerd took his own advice and hurried forward, further down the sewer.

“Stop!” Bishop shouted.

“Fuck,” Rusty said. “If I have to chase him, I’m putting a bullet in his ass.”

“Fuck it,” Bishop said as he stepped down the sewer. “Let’s go get his asshole partner.”

Rusty and Bishop slogged through grime and peaked around the corner. They saw nothing but darkness.

“Show yourself!” Bishop shouted with his gun drawn toward the darkness.

Rusty shined his light straight ahead and walked until he saw it – a fifteen foot, green, scaly alligator, weighing roughly eight hundred pounds. It roared loudly, putting a chill in the bones of both men.

“Fuck me,” Bishop said.

“It’s a toilet gator,” Rusty replied.

Both men inched backward slowly, being careful not to disturb the beast.

“Shh,” Rusty said. “Nice boy. Good boy. Everyone just be cool.”

“Why the fuck are you talking to it?” Bishop asked.

“I don’t know,” Rusty asked as he stepped backward. “I’ve never been face to face with a fucking enormous alligator before, OK?”

Skippy hissed and then…charged. He waddled towards the men, fast. They let their bullets fly, shooting at the creature over and over but their direct hits just bounced off his rough, leathery hide.

“Run!” Rusty shouted.

Rusty and Bishop flew back the way they came, as fast as their bodies could move, with the gator in hot pursuit.

“Cole was right!” Rusty shouted. “Being a hero is fucking stupid!”

They reached the ladder. Rusty shimmied up first, followed by Gordon.

Up top, Rusty collapsed on the pavement and breathed hard, struggling to catch his breath and slow down his heart rate. Soon, Bishop’s upper torso emerged from the hole.

“Give me a hand!”

Rusty grabbed Bishop’s hand and yanked it upward.

“Fuck!” Bishop shouted. “My foot’s caught!”

“What?!” Rusty asked as he wrapped his arms around Bishop’s torso and pulled. “Come on, man!”

“It’s caught on the fucking….ARRGH!”

Rusty pulled and pulled…only to fall back on the pavement with exactly one half of Bishop on top of him.

“What the?”

Rusty moved the lifeless torso onto the ground, stood up, and looked down on it. Bishop’s face was frozen in a permanent state of shock. His lower half was entirely gone and bloody entrails emerged from his stomach.

“Oh God,” Rusty said. He stepped away from the body and puked his guts out.

Toilet Gator – Chapter 73

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Buford pulled into an abandoned lot and got out of his truck, AR-15 in hand.

“Skippy,” Buford said into the microphone on his headset. “I’m coming down to talk to you in person. I want a little face time.”

“Raarga,” Skippy said.

“Don’t you talk back to me, young man,” Buford said.

“Raarga, raarga!” Skippy replied.

“Fine,” Buford said. “I still think it’s dumb for you to kill again but if you really feel that you’re hopeless hooked on human flesh now then maybe we can work something out. Maybe there are some homeless drifters out there that no one would miss but you can’t just keep pulling off all these high profile murders. We need to be smart about this.”

“Raarga,” Skippy said.

“No,” Buford replied. “I’m not going to call the news lady again. I shouldn’t have let you talk me into that the first time. Wait, that’s what this is really all about, isn’t it?”

“Raarga,” Skippy said.

“You’re a glory hound, aren’t you?” Buford asked. “A voyeur.”

“Raarga,” Skippy said.

“You want to be the most famous alligator that ever lived?” Buford asked.

“Raarga,” Skippy said.

“That’s just ridiculous,” Skippy said. “Hold on. I’m coming down there and we’re going to talk this thing out all civil like. And just so you know, I brought my rifle with me, not like it’ll do much good against you but I’m sure it still smarts. You be a gentleman and don’t hurt me and I’ll have no reason to use it.”

“Raarga,” Skippy said.

Buford pulled a crowbar out of the back of his truck and knelt over a manhole cover. He pried the cover off and struggled to move it as it was so heavy. Ever so slowly, he then crawled down a step ladder into the stinky abyss below.

Moments later, Rusty and Bishop emerged from the shadow of a nearby dilapidated old building. They had been listening in the entire time.

“Skippy?” Bishop asked.

“The most famous alligator that ever lived?” Rusty asked.

“There is some next level insanity going on here,” Buford said.

Rusty pulled a flashlight off his belt and shined it down the open manhole. “We should call for backup.”

“No time,” Bishop said.

“You think we should just go down there by ourselves?” Rusty asked. “With him talking crazy talk and carrying a manstopper?”

Bishop took off his jacket, folded it, and laid it on the hood of Buford’s truck. “You do what you want, but I’m in charge of this thing and if there’s a chance I can keep another victim from being killed on the can…”

“You’re right,” Rusty said. “You lead the way. I’ll follow up behind.”

Bishop lowered his body into the open hole and set his feet on the first rung of the ladder. He looked up at Rusty.

“By ‘behind’ I mean I’ll watch your back,” Rusty said. “As in I’ll keep an eye out to make sure you don’t get shot.”

“I know,” Bishop said.

“I didn’t mean I want to give it to you from behind,” Rusty said.

“I didn’t think you did,” Bishop said.

“Good,” Rusty said. “Because I thought about that too and the idea of me putting my drill bit in another man’s socket gives me the heebie jeebies.”

“OK,” Bishop said.

“I’m not a top or a bottom,” Rusty said. “I’m strictly just a man on man cuddler.”

“Now really isn’t the time to talk about this,” Bishop said.

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Toilet Gator – Chapter 72

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Three hours into the stakeout, Rusty and Bishop were having themselves a grand old time. There were swapping stories, telling jokes and a bottle of scotch purchased from the liquor store loosened their lips quite a bit.

“And so I says to the lady bartender….get this…I says….” Rusty was beside himself with laughter, slapping his knee.

“What did you say?” Bishop asked.

“I said,” Rusty said between chuckles. “Is that a cucumber in your pocketbook or are you happy to see me?”

Bishop busted out laughing. “Bahhh ha ha ha!”

The big man wiped some tears of joy from his eyes and calmed down. “Shit. You’re alright, Red.”

“You’re not so bad yourself, big guy,” Rusty said.

“When I met you I thought you were just some dumbass hillbilly cop trying to throw his weight around,” Bishop said.

“I am,” Rusty said. “Don’t tell anyone any different. I got a reputation to uphold. Oh and I thought you were some kinda musclebound ex-marine who gets off on intimidating people with his size.”

“Ex-Navy Seal,” Bishop said.

“Get out,” Rusty said.

“True,” Bishop said.

“You were over there in the shit?” Rusty asked.

“You know it,” Bishop said.

“How was that?” Rusty said.

“It was like a really fun vacation to an amusement park,” Bishop said. “What do you think it was like?”

“Sorry,” Rusty said. “Dumb question.”

“Nah,” Bishop said. “It’s alright. It was hell. Saw too many people die. Came too close to dying myself too many times. I was ready to be out.”

“Must have been an adjustment coming back to the states,” Rusty said.
“At first, yes,” Bishop said. “But honestly, ever since I got back, little has bothered me. If you can live through war, then you can live through anything.”

“Good for you,” Rusty said.

The duo clanked their scotch filled paper cups together. “Cheers,” Bishop said.

“Back at ya,” Rusty replied.

The two men sat in Bishop’s car, keeping their eyes glued on Buford’s motel room door. No movement.

“You know though, I gotta say, I feel bad for shooting the breeze with you like this on account…”

“What?” Bishop asked.

“Well,” Rusty said. “Cole’s my best friend and you his ex-wife are…”

Bishop grimaced. “Are what?”

“Don’t get me wrong,” Rusty said. “I get that she’s divorced and she’s not Cole’s property or anything it’s just, you know, I feel disloyal hanging out here with you while you’re with the love of my best buddy’s life is all.”

Bishop laughed. “You really are a dumbass hayseed.”

“What?” Rusty asked.

“Sharon and I aren’t together,” Bishop said.

“But…”

“What made you think we are?” Bishop asked.

“I dunno,” Rusty said. “Cole said he walked in on you two and you were…”

Bishop sighed. “Spit it out!”

“Naked,” Rusty said. “Sans pantaloons as the French say.”

“The French don’t say that,” Bishop said.

“Do I look like I’ve been to Paris?” Rusty asked.

“I was naked because I was doing pushups,” Bishop said.

“Why the hell would you get naked to do pushups?” Rusty asked.

“Clothes are restrictive,” Bishop said. “Being naked helps my body move better. It gives me the edge I need to stay fit.”

“Bullshit,” Rusty said.

“No shit,” Bishop said. “You aren’t going to get your best workout if you’re stopping every five minutes to adjust your pants.”

“What about the wine?” Rusty asked.

“What about it?” Gordon replied. “Sharon has exactly one glass every night. Helps her sleep.”

Rusty was skeptical. “You mean to tell me that two adults in their sexual prime, one of them naked, the other in a bathrobe, and there’s a bottle of wine in the mix and neither of you…”

“Nope,” Bishop said.

“I still call bullshit,” Rusty said.

“Call all you want,” Bishop replied. “Nothing has ever happened between us.”

“Something’s not right,” Rusty said. “How are you gonna run around in your all together in the presence of a woman you work with and you’re not either banging her or getting sued by her for sexual harassment?”

“God man, I dunno,” Bishop said. “Sharon’s been my partner for ten years now. We went through Quantico training together. We’ve been through all sorts of shit, saved each others’ asses more times than I can count. There’s little either of us can do to shock the other at this point. She’s just a good friend.”

“A good friend?” Rusty asked.

“That’s all,” Bishop replied.

“That you don’t want to…”

“She’d have to grow a dick,” Bishop said.

Rusty smiled. “Oh ok.”

The duo sat there in silence for awhile. Rusty dozed off, then perked up when the gravity of Bishop’s last statement hit him. “Wait, what?”

“I’m gay, man,” Bishop said.

“Get out,” Rusty said.

“Why do you keep telling me to get out?” Bishop asked. “Where am I going to go?”
“You’re gay?” Rusty asked.

“I didn’t stutter,” Bishop answered.

“You?” Rusty said. “With all your muscles?”

“Yes,” Bishop said.

“Seems like a waste,” Rusty said.

“How’s that?” Bishop asked.

“Well shit,” Rusty said. “If I had your body, I’d be grabbing more pussy than a crazy old cat lady, that’s for sure.”

“I don’t know if you might have heard,” Bishop said. “But gay men like muscles too and I do just fine.”

Rusty shifted in his seat. “That’s probably more information than I need.”

“Too fine actually,” Bishop said. “Sharon keeps nagging me to find a special guy to settle down with but I don’t know. Life is meant to be lived to the fullest, you know? Each man I’m with, it’s like a whole new, beautiful experience.”

Rusty looked at his watch. “Oh wow, look at the time. We should probably wrap this up. This dipshit probably went to bed.”

“Oh I see how it is,” Bishop said.

“How what it is?” Rusty asked.

“You’re one of those ignorant rednecks who thinks that just because a guy is gay he must automatically want your dopey ass,” Bishop said.

“I didn’t say that,” Rusty said.

“Probably got more red hair on it than Willie Nelson’s beard,” Bishop said.

“I didn’t,” Rusty repeated. “I’m sorry. I just wasn’t expecting that, is all. It’s a free country man. I’m not telling you to stop being you.”

“Whatever,” Bishop said.

Further silence ensued until Rusty broke through. “It’s actually been nice talking to you.”

“Yeah,” Bishop said. “You too.”

“Cole and I used to talk like this,” Rusty said. “Back when we were younger. But ever since…well, he went through a lot of shit and he just clammed up. I do miss chatting with my friend, I’ll tell you that.”

“I’ll chat with you anytime,” Bishop said. “Just don’t get any crazy ideas about me being interested in you. I can do way better than you.”

“I…shit,” Rusty said. “I don’t even know what to say to that. Am I insulting you if I tell you I don’t want that? Am I insulting you if tell the truth? Can you just be you and I’ll be me? Damn, this is a confusing ass time we live in.”

“Just say whatever you want,” Bishop said.

Rusty took a sip of scotch. “You know it’s just that…”

“What?” Bishop asked.

“Look, I’m not gay,” Rusty say.

“If you gotta declare it…” Bishop said.

“Shut up,” Rusty said. “Nah, it’s just, there have been times in my life where I’ve tried to open up to women about my feelings, you know? Only they have no idea how men work and there were times where, and shit don’t you repeat this…”

“I won’t,” Bishop said.

“There were times back in the day when Cole and I used to talk more where I felt like, if I could just put my arm around him and snuggle for awhile, it would be nice,” Rusty said.

“Interesting,” Bishop said.

“It would be comforting to be held by someone who understands where you’re coming from, regardless of what genitals they got, you know?” Rusty said.

“I hear you,” Bishop said.

“That doesn’t mean I’m gay, does it?” Rusty asked.

“I don’t know,” Bishop said. “Do you think it does?”

“I don’t think so,” Rusty said. “Because I still think about pussy twenty-four seven and titties? Don’t get me started. The bigger the better.”

“Maybe you’re bisexual,” Bishop said.

“I do buy it, yeah,” Rusty said.

Bishop smirked. “No. ‘Bisexual.’ You like men and women.”
“What?” Rusty asked. “Like an AC/DC outlet? Nah. I only go one way.”

“You sure about that?” Bishop asked. “Can’t think of many straight men who would want to snuggle with another man.”

“Well,” Rusty said. “Here’s the big question though. You know that part of gay sex where one dude blasts another dude in the ass?”

“I’ve heard about it, yes,” Bishop said.

“I’m not trying to insult you,” Rusty said. “But I think that’s the most disgusting thing ever. I mean, the idea of one dude jamming his ramrod up my backdoor makes me want to vomit out everything I’ve ever eaten in my entire life.”

“Maybe that’s just because you’ve never tried it before,” Bishop said.

“Yeah, well,” Rusty replied. “I’ve never been hit by an oncoming train but I’m pretty sure I don’t have to in order to comprehend that the experience would be less than enjoyable.”

Bishop shrugged. “To each their own.”

“See this one time,” Rusty said. “I went to the doctor because my stool was coming out red.”

“There’s a turn-on,” Bishop said.

“Nah, it was OK,” Rusty said. “Turns out I was just using way too much cherry drink mix. But just to be sure, the Doctor stuck his finger up my old wazoo and boy, that did not feel good at all. Felt like a burglar was trying to pry a rusty old iron door open with a crowbar.”

“So what are you saying?” Bishop asked.

“I’m saying that I love pussy,” Rusty said. “And I’m not gay. And I still hope to marry a woman one day but…I would really like to feel safe in another man’s arms. Is that even a thing?”

“It’s 2017,” Bishop said. “Everything’s a thing.”

Rusty and Bishop locked eyes. Before he knew it, Bishop was putting his big, strong arm around Rusty and pulling him in close.

“Oh shit,” Rusty said.

“Shh,” Bishop said as he wrapped his other arm around Rusty. “Don’t fight it.”

Rusty breathed a sigh of epic relief as he buried his face into Bishop’s thick neck and sniffed a burly, manly scent. “Aww yeah. That’s the stuff.”

“It’s nice, isn’t it?” Bishop asked.
“Oh God yes,” Rusty said. “Like being a little bear cub wrapped up all snuggly soft in his mother’s arms.”

“OK then,” Bishop said.

“This must be what a baby kangaroo feels like in his mother’s pouch,” Rusty said.

“Sure,” Bishop said.

“It’s like someone just picked me up and shoved me up my mother’s uterus again,” Rusty said.

“And you ruined it,” Bishop said.

“I did?” Rusty asked.

Bishop rubbed his hand up and down Rusty’s back. “No.”

“Bishop?” Rusty asked.

“Yeah?” Bishop replied.

“You think I could ever find a man who would be willing to do this for me on the regular?” Rusty asked.

“I don’t know,” Bishop said. “Anything’s possible I suppose.”

“But unlikely,” Rusty said. “Because sooner or later he’ll want to invade my behind with his heat seeking moisture missile.”

“True enough,” Bishop said.

“No rear entry is like a total deal breaker for male on male relationship?” Rusty asked.

“Maybe not at first,” Bishop said. “But any long lasting relationship of any kind isn’t going to happen unless there’s physical intimacy…of the carnal variety.”

“So two men can’t just get together on a long term basis and cuddle without fucking?” Rusty asked.

“Afraid not,” Bishop said.

“God damn it,” Rusty said. “Men are such pigs.”

“We really are,” Bishop replied.

The sound of a door slamming broke up the party. Bishop and Rusty released one another and turned their eyes to Buford, who was walking out of his hotel room with an assault rifle in hand.
“Holy shit,” Rusty said. “Should we bust him?”

“Nah,” Bishop said. “That’s an AR-15. Legal. He’ll just flash a permit and say he was putting it in his truck to take it to the range tomorrow or something.”

Buford put the rifle into his truck, then got in and started his engine.

“So what do we do?” Rusty asked.

Bishop switched on his ignition. “We find out what he plans to do with it.”

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Toilet Gator – Chapter 71

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As the day waned into evening, Rusty and Bishop drove around town in search of Buford. They checked his known haunts, mostly his favorite convenience stores where he would often purchase all kinds of junk food. Finally, they spotted him walking out of a Gas n’Pass with two shopping bags full of potato chips.

Bishop pulled his unmarked car into the parking lot of a nearby Pizza Groove and turned around, allowing him to tail Buford’s pickup truck. He was sure to stay two cars behind and avoided making any suspicious moves.

“His mother, I get,” Rusty said. “I mean, not really. Hell I had a few lap dances from her down at Big Ray-Ray’s and she was always sweet enough to me.”

“You got a lap dance from that old woman?” Bishop asked.

“Booty is booty,” Rusty said. “Don’t judge, Jumbotron.”

“I’m not, Damien Lewis,” Bishop said.

“Who?” Rusty asked.

“You know,” Bishop said. “The actor.”

“He has red hair?” Rusty said.

“Yeah,” Bishop replied. “He’s in a lot of stuff. He was in that show, you know the one with the crazy eyed bitch who fights terrorism.”

“I’m drawing a blank,” Rusty said.

“You’d know him if you saw him,” Bishop said. “He’s in everything.”

“Joke doesn’t work if you have to explain it, King Kong,” Rusty said.

The duo sat in silence as the slow pursuit continued. Finally, they saw Buford pull into the parking lot of the No-Tell Motel. Not wanting to be spotted, Bishop pulled into a liquor store parking lot across the street. There they sat and watched as Buford hopped out of his truck and let himself into his room.

“Now what?” Rusty asked.

“We wait,” Bishop answered.

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Toilet Gator – Chapter 70

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Britney sat back in her hospital bed, too nauseous to even look at the jello on her tray table. Rusty stood by while Bishop read from his notes.

“So you’re telling me you saw something that was green, at least fifteen feet long, four legs, must have weighed over eight hundred pounds, enormous teeth…”

“And it hissed at me,” Britney said.

“Ma’am,” Bishop said. “I don’t mean to sound rude but had you been drinking that night?”

“No,” Britney said.

“Drugs?” Bishop asked.

“No,” Britney said.

“A little coke, perhaps?” Bishop said. “A little marijuana?”

“No,” Britney said.

“It’s cool,” Bishop said. “I know what college is like.”

“I wasn’t on anything,” Britney said.

“Ma’am,” Bishop said. “I know you might think you have to say you weren’t because we’re law enforcement officers but honestly, I have no interest in busting you for a little bit of drug dabbling. I just need to know the truth.”

Britney grew frustrated. “That’s the truth!”

“That you saw an enormous alligator?” Bishop asked.

“Yes,” Britney said. “No. I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Bishop asked.

“It looked like an alligator,” Britney said. “But it was so big. I’ve seen alligators at the zoo before but nothing this big. I don’t think they normally get that big do they?”

“I have no idea,” Bishop said.

“So all I’m saying is it must have been bigger than a regular alligator,” Britney said. “Like it must have been a dinosaur.”

Bishop scoffed. “A dinosaur?!”
Britney closed her eyes. “Whatever. You asked. I told you.”

Bishop nodded. “Have you told me everything?”

“Yes,” Britney said.

“Are you sure?” Bishop asked.

“Yes!” Britney said.

Bishop reviewed his notes. “You and the other kids were arguing while Chad Becker was defecating on the toilet. Next thing you know, wham, you’re on the ground and the last thing you see is some type of prehistoric alligator-like beast, possibly a dinosaur due to its abnormally large size.”

“You got it,” Britney said.

“Miss Chase,” Bishop said. “None of the other kids reported seeing this alleged creature.”

“I don’t know,” Britney said. “I just know what I saw.”

Bishop looked at his notebook. “Then again, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt in that you’re the only one whose head wasn’t pinned under the bathroom stall wall.”

“See?” Britney said. “There you go.”

Rusty looked at Bishop, presumably making a silent request to speak up. Bishop nodded in the affirmative.

“Britney,” Rusty said. “You mind if I call you, ‘Britney?’”

“I guess,” Britney said.

“What are you studying at Sitwell?” Rusty asked.

Bishop looked confused as well as curious as to where Rusty was going with this line of questioning.

“Nursing,” Britney said.

“You putting yourself through school?” Rusty asked.

“Yes,” Britney said.

“Job?” Rusty asked.

“I’m a cashier at Price Town,” Britney said.

“You like that kind of work?” Rusty asked.

“No,” Britney said.

“Why not?” Rusty asked.

“Little old ladies come up to me all the time to bitch me out over the price of everything,” Britney said. “They’re all like, ‘I could get this for half the price down the street’ and I feel like saying, ‘Well, why don’t you move your ass and go down there then, bitch?’”

Rusty smirked. “Family commitments?”

“I’ve got a little brother I have to babysit when he gets home from school,” Britney said. “Both my parents work.”

“So you don’t live on campus?” Rusty asked.

“No,” Britney said.

“That’s kinda sad,” Rusty said.

“It is?” Britney asked

“Yeah,” Rusty replied. “You’re missing out on the party scene.”

Britney shrugged her shoulders. “I’ve been to a few parties. Every time I go thinking it’ll be fun. Every time I leave because it’s just a bunch of drunk losers grinding on each other and puking all over the place. That last one, that’s the last one I’ll ever go to. I’m done with college parties.”

Rusty turned to Bishop. “That’s all I’ve got.”

Bishop drummed his fingers across the armrest of the chair he was sitting in. He pondered his next move for a moment before asking a question. “Do you know of anyone with a reason to hurt Chad?”

“To hurt Chad?” Britney asked.

“Yeah,” Bishop asked. “Someone who hated him, despised him.”

Britney laughed. “How much time have you got?”

“The list is that big?” Bishop asked.

“He used women and threw them away like they were nothing,” Britney said. “Pretty much every woman on campus had a reason to hate him.”

“Yourself included?” Bishop asked.

Britney sighed. “I hated him for awhile but then I just started feeling sorry for him, like there must have been something broken inside of him that he could have that much sex with so many different women but still never feel satisfied, you know?”

“Tell me about it,” Rusty blurted out.

Seeing that no one found his joke funny, Rusty slinked back into the corner of the room.

“You kept hanging out with him after the break-up?” Bishop asked.

“Yeah,” Britney said. “I don’t know. That was stupid I guess. I was just hoping that maybe he’d change but deep down, I knew he never would.”

“Anyone else with a grudge against him?” Bishop asked.

“He was rude to practically everyone,” Britney said. “He’d walk down the halls and just shout out insults to people. If you were short, or fat, or ugly or whatever. He’d find something to make fun of.”

“Sounds like a dick,” Bishop said.

“You don’t know the half of it,” Britney said.

Britney looked around the room and took a deep breath, apparently scared to mention something else. “He dealt drugs.”

Bishop lit up. “He did?”

“Marijuana,” Britney said. “Everybody on campus knew. He was the guy everyone went to.”

“He have any after him for that?” Bishop asked. “Disgruntled customer? Maybe a supplier he cheated?”

“I have no idea,” Britney said. “I never found out about that until after we broke up. I wouldn’t have dated him had I known. I never asked him about it after. I didn’t really want to know. I just know what I heard around campus.”

“Huh,” Bishop said as he stood up. “Alright then. Take care of yourself, Miss Chase. Hope you feel better.”

Rusty and Bishop exited the room and headed down the hallway.

“What do you think?” Rusty asked.

Bishop pinched his thumb and pointer finger together, then put them up against his mouth and made a sucking sound, as though he were enjoying an invisible doobie.

“You think she’s a druggie?” Rusty asked.
“Of course,” Bishop said. “Give me a break that she didn’t know her boyfriend was a dealer. She’s just trying to cover for herself.”

“I don’t know,” Rusty said. “She seemed pretty solid, a little more mature than the average college kid.”

“How so?” Bishop asked.

“She’s got a job that she hates but goes to anyway because she needs the money,” Rusty said.

“Welcome to adulthood,” Bishop said.

“Exactly,” Rusty replied.

The duo reached the elevator. Bishop pushed the call button. The doors opened and they headed for the ground floor.

“She lives at home and takes care of her brother,” Rusty said. “Probably has parents nagging on her. Probably doing her best to work hard and save up so she can get out on her own.”

“Not one of these kids whose content to sit on Mom and Dad’s couch until they’re forty-five,” Bishop said.

“Exactly,” Rusty said.

“So OK,” Bishop said. “Maybe she didn’t have a drug induced hallucination. Maybe she just hit her head really hard on the floor and it scrambled her brains.”

“You think?” Rusty said.

“Well,” Bishop said. “The only other option is that an actual dinosaur sized alligator jumped up though the toilet and ate Chad Becker. You think that really happened?”

Rusty and Chad stared at each other blankly for a few seconds, then burst out in laughter together.

“Aww shit,” Rusty said. “Toilet gator. That’s a good one.”

The duo reached the ground level. They stepped out of the elevator and walked through the lobby.

“So, what now?” Rusty asked.

“Buford Dufresne,” Bishop said.

“What about him?” Rusty asked.

“He’s our only real lead,” Bishop said. “It was odd that he was at his mother’s house in the middle of the night. Odd that he was screaming about how he tried to warn her about something. We never really got an answer to any of that.”

“That guy’s always been the town weirdo,” Rusty said. “Never really grew up because his rich Daddy always took care of him.”

“Sounds like a guy with a lot of time on his hands,” Bishop said.

“Time to plot something big?” Rusty asked.

“That’s what I’m thinking,” Bishop said.

“Aww but,” Rusty said. “I can’t go anywhere near that kid. He’s the Mayor’s boy and Hammond is the Mayor’s bitch. Those two are tighter than a pair of skinny jeans.”

Rusty unlocked his cruiser and hopped into the driver’s seat. Bishop took the passenger’s side.

“Don’t worry about it,” Bishop said.

“I am worried about it,” Rusty said. “He already fired Cole. I don’t need to be sacked too.”

“I’m a federal investigator and I’ve commandeered your services,” Bishop said. “If Hammond gets up your ass, I’ll swat him down.”

“Huh,” Rusty said as he backed out of his parking space. “I like the sound of that. Where to?”

“Let’s look around town,” Bishop said. “See if we can’t find out what Buford is up to.”

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Toilet Gator – Chapter 69

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“Why am I here?” Rusty asked as he walked with Bishop down a long hallway through Grover County Hospital.

“Britney Chase,” Bishop said. “She’s out of her coma and able to talk. We need a statement.”

“Didn’t all the other kids give us Jack Shit when they woke up?” Rusty asked.

“Yeah,” Bishop said. “But that doesn’t mean you don’t take the statement anyway, Damian Lewis.”

“Shit,” Rusty said. “You’re still making redhead jokes?”

“For as long as you make jokes about me being big,” Bishop said.

The duo reached an elevator. Bishop pushed the call button. After a minute, the doors opened. The agent and the deputy stepped inside. Bishop pushed the button for the tenth floor.

“Like being big is something to even be embarrassed about, Sasquatch,” Rusty said. “I’d kill to have all your muscles.”

“You don’t need to kill anyone,” Bishop said. “Just get your ass to the gym.”

“Ugh,” Rusty replied. “The gym. Now that’s a whole thing. You need to work up the motivation to go there. Then you get there. Then you have to pay your fees. Then there’s always someone sitting on the equipment you want to use. And everything’s covered in a layer of sweat and the whole place smells like old socks. And don’t even get me started about the locker room.”

“What about the locker room?” Bishop asked.

“I said, ‘Don’t get me started,’ didn’t I?” Rusty asked. “Old man balls.”

“Old man balls?” Bishop asked.

“Wrinkly old man balls as far as the eye can see,” Rusty said. “Most dudes, you know, they try to be discrete. Slip off the pants real quick. Slip on the sweatpants just as quick but old men? No. They just lounge around the locker room like it’s some kind of Ancient Roman bathhouse with their geriatric cocks flapping in the breeze and you know none of those things have even been washed since Truman was President.”

Bishop stifled a grin.

“Oh, what was that?” Rusty asked. “Did I make a funny, big guy?”

“No,” Bishop said. “It’s just, now that you mention it, there are a lot of old men at my gym who do the same thing.”
“I’m telling you,” Rusty said. “People get to a certain age and they stop giving a shit about what people think of them.”

“I suppose that’s natural when your best years are behind you,” Bishop said.

“It’s like they say, “OK. I’m sixty,’” Rusty said. “This is my dick, world! Enjoy!’”

The elevator dinged. The duo stepped out onto the tenth floor and headed down another hallway.

“Still,” Bishop said. “You’re just making excuses to avoid exercise.”

“Not wanting to get slapped in the face with a wang that’s been in existence since biblical times is the best excuse I’ve got,” Rusty said.

Both men were quiet for awhile until Rusty chimed in again. “You misunderstood my question, before.”

“How’s that?” Bishop asked.

“When I asked why am I here, you told me the purpose of this visit to the hospital,” Rusty said. “What I wanted to know is why, specifically, am I here?”

“Oh,” Bishop said. “I don’t know the area well. I didn’t know Cole Walker well either, but Sharon vouched for him. You’re his friend. I assume he doesn’t keep untrustworthy people in confidence.”

“You assume right, G-man,” Rusty said. “Fine, let’s do this thing. I’ll be Starsky, you be Hutch.”

“How about we just do our jobs?” Bishop asked.

“Even better,” Rusty replied.

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Toilet Gator – Chapter 68

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Rusty and Burt sat in the break room of the Sitwell Police Department, playing a rousing game of “Go Fish.”

“Got any threes?” Rusty asked.

Burt sat there, staring silently at his cards with a blank look on his face.

“Burt!” Rusty said.

“Huh?” Burt asked.

“You got any threes?” Rusty asked.

“Oh,” Burt said as he handed over a three card. “Sorry.”

“Something on your mind?” Rusty asked.

“Nah,” Burt said. “Well, maybe.”

“Out with it old man,” Rusty said.

“Old man?” Burt asked. “Screw you, Big Red. You’ll get there one day.”

“But not today,” Rusty said. “What’s up?”

“Aww, it’s just, I don’t know,” Burt said. “Maude.”

“Maude?” Rusty asked.

“Yeah,” Burt said. “Kinda miss her being around. Hell, she worked here long before you and your boyfriend showed up.”

“Cole is not my boyfriend,” Rusty said. “He is just my friend who happens to be a boy.”

“Whatever,” Burt said. “But oh my God, back in the day, Maude was quite a looker.”

Rusty set his cards down on the table. “Maude?”

“Yes,” Burt said. “Had an ass like a little candy apple and a pair of perky bazongas that made you want to take up breastfeeding again.”

Rusty looked disgusted. “Our Maude?”

“Yes,” Burt repeated.

“Old stank breath Maude?” Rusty asked.

“Exactly,” Burt said.

“Grungy old sweatshirt wearing, carries a portable oxygen tank wherever she goes, gray haired Maude?” Rusty asked.

“We all get old, son,” Burt said. “We all have lives before we good old. I wasn’t so bad myself.”

“Yeah, yeah, no one cares about you,” Rusty said. “Tell me about young Maude.”

“What else is there to tell?” Burt asked. “She was the office eye candy. Sweet, kind, a pleasure to be around. Made working here much more pleasant. I admit I had a bit of a crush on her but I always felt bad about that, what with her being a married woman and all. Arthur was actually an old poker buddy of mine, so I kept my mouth shut about it because, you know, he’d of shut my mouth for me if I hadn’t.”

“What the hell are you talking about it now for then?” Rusty asked.

“I don’t know,” Burt said. “I’ve been a damn bachelor all my life.”

“Because you weren’t really that good looking when you were young after all?” Rusty asked.

“No,” Burt said. “I have a rare condition.”

“Oh geez,” Rusty said. “I’m sorry, Burt. I didn’t know.”

“Peyrone’s Disease,” Burt said.

“Peyronie’s Disease,” Rusty said. “Holy shit, Burt. That sounds awful. Is it gonna kill you?”

“No,” Burt said. “Just makes life difficult.”

“Fuck me,” Rusty said as he pushed his chair back from the table. “It’s not contagious, is it?”

“I don’t think so,” Burt said.

“Well?” Rusty said. “What the hell is it?”

Burt cleared his throat. “A curvature of the penis.”

“Come again?” Rusty said.

“My man business,” Burt said. “It curves at a right angle.”

Rusty’s eyes widened. “Are you shitting me?”

“I shit you not,” Burt replied.

“How the hell do you give a woman the business if you’ve got right angled dong?” Rusty asked.

“It’s not impossible,” Burt said. “In theory. I don’t know. I’ve never actually…”

Rusty banged his fist on the table. “Shut up!”

Burt’s face turned red. “Bah, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Do you mean to tell me a man as old as you has never once…”

Burt threw up his hands. “I don’t even remembered how we veered so far off topic. All I’m saying is I miss Maude.”

“Damn straight you do,” Rusty said. “You miss her and you wanna give her that curvy old pecker don’t you?”

“Shut up,” Burt said.

“Does it curve in any other directions?” Rusty asked. “Come on, tell me. It’s like a silly straw down there, isn’t it?”

“Enough,” Burt said.

Rusty pulled out his cell phone. “Let me get a picture. I need to submit this to the World’s Record people.”

“It’s not that uncommon,” Burt said. “They say Bill Clinton had it.”

Rusty appeared taken aback. “Bill Clinton? But he was shtupping broads all the time!”

“Yeah,” Burt said. “But he was the President. If you’re the President, then I assume women don’t mind if you’ve got a curved penis. If you’re a bum like me, well…”

Rusty sighed. “You’re not a bum Burt but shit…we gotta get you laid, Burt.”

Burt shook his head. “Aww, who the hell cares at this point?”

“I do,” Rusty said. “You’re an old man. You could go tomorrow without having experienced one of life’s greatest joys and that’d be a sin as far as I’m concerned.”

“Just keep your mouth shut about this,” Burt said. “I shouldn’t have told you.”

“Your secret is safe with me, Burt,” Rusty said. “And mark my words, as soon as shit dies down with this Toilet Killer business, I’m taking you out to Big Ray-Ray’s House of Fancy Funbags and paying one of those girls to go town on that whirligig you got down there.”

“No thanks,” Burt said. “I’d never do anything illegal.”

Rusty raised a quizzical eyebrow. “Why the hell not?”

Burt shook his head in disgust. “Because we’re cops?”

“Oh,” Rusty said. “Right.”

Rusty collected the cards and played a game of solitaire for awhile while Burt perused a newspaper. Within a few minutes, the ginormous frame of Agent Bishop was towering over the redhead.

“May I help you, Bigfoot?” Rusty asked.

“Move your ass,” Bishop said. “We got work to do.”

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Movie Review – Baywatch (2017)

Boobs!  So many boobs!  Did I mention the butts?

BQB here with a review of Baywatch.

It seems like every generation has a show that is terrible of terms of plot, yet beloved and watched anyway.  And in the next generation, that show is destined to be parodied and adults who used to love the show will love the parody.

The Brady Bunch, for example, was one of the silliest shows on TV in Uncle Hardass’ day. By the time I was a young man, the show was lampooned in a series of films where the Brady Bunch keep acting like they’re in the 1960s but in modern times.

Add Baywatch to the list of TV shows turned movie parodies.  Honestly, the premise of the original show was so silly that it’s hard to believe that it, in and of itself, was not a parody.  David Hasselhoff of Knight Rider fame used to parade his pecs around a California beach while Pamela Andersen and a bevy of other scantily clad beauties would show off their personal flotation devices.  (Psst!  I’m talking about their knockers!  Awooga!)  Somehow, the lifeguards would end up fighting desperadoes and solving beach related crimes in between rescues.

In this reimagining of the show, The Rock flexes his ridiculously awesome muscles as the new Lt. Mitch Buchannon, leader of the plucky young Baywatch crew.  Zac Efron, also packing some fab abs himself (which I noticed purely in a speculative way and not in a gay way although I’m told there’s nothing wrong with that anymore) is new recruit Brody, a once beloved Olympic swimmer who has since hit the skids after an embarrassing occurrence at the Rio games.

Mitch and Brodie but heads throughout the film.  Brody thinks he’s the best swimmer ever and has nothing else to learn.  Mitch points out that Brody has the swimming part down, but needs to work on teamwork and life saving skills.

Also, to Brody’s surprise, fighting crime.  Yes, as the group’s newcomer, he’s shocked to learn that whenever the lifeguards see crimes they don’t just, you know, call the police.  Instead, with no law enforcement training whatsoever, they take it upon themselves to follow leads, track down suspects, and bring down bad guys themselves.  The running joke of the film is that Brody is the only one who finds this odd.

Additional new recruits include Summer Quinn (Alexandra Daddario) and Ronnie Greenbaum (Jon Bass.)  To the film’s credit, Baywatch, whether in TV form or this version, has always been known for putting the hottest beach bodies on TV.  This time, the crew adds Ronnie the tech nerd, the only lifeguard with a flabby physique that requires him to run through the sand with his shirt still on.  Naturally, he’s the comic relief and butt of many jokes because, you know, a nerd could never be just, really awesome and a super important member of the team but hey, baby steps.  They let a chubby guy get a role in a film for beautiful people so you got to start somewhere.

Meanwhile, Alexandra is hot while Kelly Rohrbach is an epic inducer of boners in her reprisal of Pam Anderson’s CJ Parker role.  Boi-yoi-yoi-yoi-yoing!

Cameos by Pam and Hoff themselves.  Pam’s is somewhat humorous.  Hoff’s is as well, though it doesn’t make a lot of sense.

In fact, little of the film does.  Much of it is slapped together simply so you can enjoy the beautiful beach scenery and all of the hot boobs and butts and wonder where you went so wrong that you didn’t hit the gym more and get your ass out to California while you could have.

Hell, if you’re still breathing maybe it’s not too late.  Start working out now and invest in hair dye.  Also, find Pam’s plastic surgeon.  Sigh.  Do you know I don’t think there was a single man in the 1990s who wasn’t tugging it to the Pamster 24/7?  Ahh, memories, like the corners of my mind…

Did I mention there are a lot of boobs and butts?  There’s also a…uh…well I’ll let you see it for yourself but suffice it to say, there is one scene that I was surprised didn’t earn the film a XXX porno rating.

STATUS:  Split decision.  If you came for humor, action, boobs and butts, it’s an A+.  If you came for something serious, you picked the wrong movie.  Personally, I find it shelf worthy due to the boobs and butts.  FYI none of them are uncovered but you know, close enough.

 

 

 

 

 

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