Ahh, time travel. To dare to surpass the surly bounds of time and space and end up in a different time period that this one.
The experts say that time travel could be reckless! Every thing happened for a reason even the slightest change could destroy life as we know it.
Meh. Who cares? Throw caution to the wind, I say. When it comes to time travel, I go balls out or I go home.
From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Random Town, it’s the Top Ten Things I’d Do if I Could Become a Time Traveler:
#1 – Change shit. Like a lot of shit…with reckless abandon for no rhyme or reason.
Give an iPad to a caveman! Give Napoleon a wedgie! Kick Genghis Kahn in the nads!
Fart in the presence of Queen Victoria. Pick a flower from the Jurassic period and plant it in 1702.
Kidnap a dinosaur and ride it into an Ancient Trojan battle.
Sneak into Einstein’s office and move things around without telling him.
Switch out George Washington’s wooden teeth for state of the art dentures.
Visit Jesus at the Last Supper and give everyone Big Macs.
#2 – Bang Hot Historical Chicks
Possible talent includes:
- Marie Antoinette – Easily bribed with cake.
- Cleopatra – “De Nile” might be a river in Egypt, but that fine ass Queen won’t be denyin’ this time traveling stud muffin.
- Joan of Arc – Yes she was holy. However, she was also a French chick so, you know…
- Queen Elizabeth – Not the current one, the one that was the daughter of Henry the Eighth. Her Dad was so obsessed with leaving behind a male heir that he lopped off the heads of many a wife and even changed England’s entire religion. So yeah, there was a lot of pressure for Lizzy to keep the throne in the family. In other words, I think she probably could have used a friend with benefits, a little casual fling with no strings attached. I don’t want England. I just want that royal booty.
- Lady Godiva – Total slut if you can get her off that horse.
#3 – Tell Historical People How the World Turns Out in the Future, then Laugh at Their Reactions
“We’ve figured out how to drop contraptions out of the sky that are capable of destroying entire cities. We have mechanical transports that can be used to move us from place to place. We’re all super fat, they’ve got pills that can give you boners (sorry, historical people, ‘apothecary renderings that can engorge a man,’) the leader of the greatest nation in the world has talked about his penis in public, and women act like they’re the boss of everyone! WTF, am I right?”
#4 – Sit in the Back of Movie Theaters from the Past and Shout Out Spoilers
Also works with plays. “Hey, Lincoln! Behind you!”
#5 – Visit the Future
There are a lot of questions about the future that I don’t want to leave hanging.
What will future people be like? Will the world be better? Will it be worse?
Will there be inventions that people today never could have conceived of?
Will future people think we are awful?
Will the future be worse? We will regress into a Mad Maxian apocalypse world?
Will the world be run by damn dirty apes?
Will scientists ever invent robot hookers? (If they do, I’m staying the future.)
#6 – Warn Past People of Upcoming Tragedies
Experts say you’re not supposed to do this, that horrible events, as bad as they are, happened and to change them is to throw off the whole space-time continuum. Things happen for reasons we’ll never fully understand and who knows if changing the outcome of one event could cause a negative impact on the future?
But honestly, screw all that, because I keep it real and not warning people when you know some shit is about to go down just seems like a dick move.
Warnings I would give include, but are not limited to:
- “Hey Europe. Is it me or does this Hitler fella seem like a real turd sandwich? Better keep an eye on that guy. Appeasement doesn’t seem to be the way to go. Maybe, just maybe, if he tries to march into Poland, y’all might want to get together and raise a stink about it.”
- “Attention all Irish people. Make your cows and chickens hump more so you can have more meat to eat because some shit’s about to happen with your potatoes.”
- “Hey, everyone in 2001! See those dudes with the box cutters about to get on those planes? Let’s cock punch ’em!”
- “Archduke Ferdinand, JFK, RFK, MLK…DUCK!”
- “Hey Titanic travelers, why the rush? Let’s smoke a doobie and wait for the next ship. Europe will still be there.”
- Alternatively – “Hey Captain Buttface! Iceberg straight ahead!”
#7 – Take famous works from today. Give them to my past self. Reap the benefits.
What? That’s stealing? How dare you insult me, Bookshelf Q. Battler, writer of such famous songs as “What Does the Fox Say?” and “Baby Got Back?” Why, I’d give you a stern talking to, but I must cash my royalty checks from sales on my new novel, The Hunger Games. By the way, did you catch that new movie? You know, Avatar. Totally wrote the script for it.
#8 – The same thing as #7, but with inventions.
BQB here. Inventor of the iPhone, the iPad, the drone, the cronut (half croissant/half donut), social media and Kim Kardashian’s extra strength panty hose.
#9 – Tell My Past Self to Blog Sooner
I really thought blogging was a dumb idea. So far, I haven’t made any money yet, but what I lack in dollars, I make up in readers. 3.5 readers to be exact.
But seriously, the more you blog, the faster your blog grows. Start sooner, rather than later.
#10 – Give My Past Self A Lot of Advice
This is actually a serious one, although I wasn’t joking about getting busy with Marie Antoinette. I can picture her yelling, “Sacre Bleau, Mon Dieux, Ooo la la!” with that big tall hairdo waving all over the place.
But I digress. I feel like at every point in my past where I was called upon to make a decision, I made the wrong one. Granted, I have no idea if the other decision would have fared any better, but the path I took led me to working at Beige Corp and owning a blog read by only 3.5 readers, so advice to my former self as to some decisions he ought to change might improve my future.
Then again, I might just end up working at McDonalds and owning a blog read by 2.5 readers.
Sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side because it actually is greener. Then again, sometimes the grass on the other side looks greener because it is being fertilized by a lot of poop you’re going to step in.
What would you do if you could become a time traveler, 3.5 readers? Let me know in the comments.