By: Monica Duncan, Professional Bad News Breaker
Hello 3.5 readers. I’m Monica Duncan and when people have bad news they can’t bear to break, they call me to do the dirty work for them. My highlights include:
- Informing all 57 girlfriends dating a Milwaukee bartender, Fred Sistack (none of the girls knew about each other) that they may have a long laundry list of diseases, including, but not limited to: herpes, the clap, anal warts, syphilis, crotch rot, vaginal gangrene, and eternal butt itch. Fred has been paying off my services on a monthly installment plan for the past twelve years.
- I was the one who told Saddam Hussein that he was about to be pulled out of his hidey hole. He was very disappointed about it, but he was glad to get a shave.
- In the 1990s, I told John Wayne Bobbitt that that numb feeling he felt in his groin was due to the fact that his wife had removed his penis with the aid of a knife. Remember people, if you ever have to tell someone their penis was cut off, always hire a professional bad news breaker to tell them. You don’t want a man to find out his junk is gone when he reaches for it only to find it is not there.
Alas, I am now here to break some bad news to the children of the world – Santa Claus does not exist.
Nope, he does not exist at all.
Yikes, what bored people you Christians are. You have a holiday based on the idea that Jesus was the Son of God (umm…well, OK nevermind I’ll talk about that in another column) and that still doesn’t keep your attention. You still need a tale about a fat man who brings presents.
Let me dispel the many inaccuracies:
#1 – No one likes fat people.
Even fat people don’t like fat people. It is impossible for a real fat man to be loved by the entire world, ergo, a universally beloved fat man could only exist as a fictional character. If Santa were real, it would not matter how many good deeds he did. He could bring everyone toys, cash money, cures for AIDS and cancer, homes for the poor and everyone would still be all like, “Fuck you, you fat fuck, lose some weight!” I’m sorry, but it’s true. You know it’s true. Think about the nicest fat person you know. Maybe there was some fat person who did you a good turn, helped you out in life. Maybe this fat person paid your rent one month to keep you off the street. Maybe this fat person saved your life. Maybe this fat person recommended you for a job when you were down on your luck. You still called that person a fat fuck behind his/her back, didn’t you? You couldn’t help it. No one likes a fatty, no matter how nice the fatty is.
#2 – It is not possible for a fat fuck to squeeze down your chimney.
Your fat Aunt Edna knocks shit down with her fat ass because she’s so fat she doesn’t think she’s bumping into things but you think a fat fuck in a red suit can squeeze his fat ass down every chimney in the world? Bitch, please.
#3 – Reindeer can’t fly.
Have you ever seen a non-winged animal fly? Stop being stupid. Oh, and Rudolph’s nose is red because he hits the sauce…hard. At least he would if he existed, but he doesn’t.
#4 – Why do bad kids get presents?
Kids have pretty short attention spans. A parent says, “Be good or Santa won’t bring you any shit!” and then the kid will be good for five minutes and then forget and be naughty again. If Santa really has a naughty and nice list, he must not be paying attention to it, because everyone knows at least one little shit who is making his parents’ lives miserable and yet this little monster is getting ridiculous amounts of loot under the tree every year.
#5 – Why doesn’t Santa give out gift certificates?
You know what? It is actually, theoretically, possible for every kid in the world to be given one gift a night. A cash gift. If you’re Santa, why would you go riding your fat asss around the globe when you can just get one of your elves to click a button on a computer and email every kid a toy store gift certificate?
That’s a lot, mind you, but hey, one of these rich pricks might actually be able to become a real, live Santa Claus.
I don’t know. Do the math and tell me if it’s possible, nerds. Estimate how many Christian kids in the world x how much and factor in if there’s anyone that rich. Even so, I bet that person couldn’t do it every year. It would have to be a one cent gift certificate.
However, we aren’t talking about the average billionaire. We’re talking Santa Claus. If that fat fuck can fly around the world in a night, then surely he could pop a redeem code for 1,000 bucks to every kid’s inbox and then Amazon could do the rest.
Seriously. Bezos would have taken over Santa’s operation by now. Maybe he already has. You parents out there, where’d you kid those kids you’re slapping the fat man’s name on? A site that starts with “A” am I right?
#6 – Your parents slap Santa’s name on gifts.
They work hard all year, selling their souls to employers who provide them no personal satisfaction, then slap a fictional fat man’s name on the gifts bought with the proceeds of their slave labor just to make your childish fantasies come true. God, you little brats make me want to puke. Somebody staple my uterus shut.
#7 – Santa could never be married.
Because, remember, no one likes a fat fuck, even a bitch as fat as Mrs. Claus is dreaming about losing weight and getting spit roasted by a duo of hunky male dancers.
#8 – Elves aren’t real.
You think any large group of workers would work that much for free…without organizing a union? Bitch, please.
#9 – Intellectual property
You really think Bill Gates wouldn’t be suing Santa into oblivion for giving out free X-Boxes?
#10 – It’s impossible to fly around the world in one night.
Have you seen all the cell phone shot videos on the news lately? People can’t fly across the country without some crazy ass fight breaking out and delaying the flight, but you think a fat man can fly around the world and stop at every house in one night?
Sorry to break it to you, kids, but Santa isn’t real. Was it hard for me to tell you this and ruin your childhoods? No. Because I’m a professional news breaker. This is what I do.