By: Monica Duncan, Professional Bad News Breaker
Hi 3.5 readers. I’m Monica Duncan and I hate to break it to you, but I am the best when it comes to breaking bad news. That may be due to the fact that there really isn’t anyone else in the professional bad news breaker game, but it’s a burgeoning field and unlike BQB’s blog readership, I expect it to grow substantially by 2020.
I’ve broken some of the worst news in history:
- In the 1990s, I told Al Cowlings that OJ needed a ride. I was only a kid at the time, so it was one of my very first bad news breaks.
- I was the one who had to tell Obama that oil rig in the Gulf would just NOT stop chugging oil into the sea.
- I told the Winklevoss twins that their friend Mark started a new website.
- I had to break it to John McCain that just because Sarah Palin was the governor of Alaska doesn’t mean she’s a gift speaker.
- I told Brad and Angelina they didn’t like each other anymore. They would have not figured it out for another 20 years had I not intervened.
And today, I’m here to tell you how to tell your kids that you and your spouse are getting divorced.
So…you and your better half are calling it kaputs, overs-ville, adios, bye-bye, sayanora, see you later.
Who will tell the children? Those lovable cherubs you brought into the world love you both. This news will shatter their world and frankly, destroy their little lives, and may even have negative ramifications for their future.
Here are some things to do:
#1 – Be Sure To Tell Them This Was Entirely THEIR Fault
Honesty is always the best policy and divorces are no different. Sit Junior down and explain it all to him:
- Your mother works all day and is exhausted when she comes home.
- We told you we don’t remember how many Goddamned times to pick up your toys and clean up your room but you just wouldn’t do it you selfish little jackass.
- Despite her exhaustion, Mommy had to spend her evenings cleaning the house you wrecked and were too lazy to clean up.
- Mommy was so tired after that she was unable to perform her wifely duties and please Daddy.
- Daddy was left with no choice but to seek release in the form of a fat truck stop waitress named Lucille.
- Enjoy Lucille as your new step-mommy and that 50 year old white guy with gray dreadlocks that your mommy will marry and make you call him new daddy.
- Know that all of this could have been avoided if you’d just picked up your Goddamned toys like you were told. Oh well. A lifetime of misery is worth the extra time you saved by leaving your fucking action figures all over the place you obnoxious little shit. Hang your head in shame.
#2 – Do My Parents Still Love Me?
No. No they don’t. How could they? You’re a horrible, awful little child and they were so much happier before a nasty little eating, pooping, crying, money sucking machine came into their lives and ruined everything. Daddy used to have hair. Mommy used to have perky tits. All your fault, you little loser.
#3 – Will I Get to See Daddy Again?
Probably not…or barely. You see, while there has been great advancement in women’s rights laws, divorce laws continue to favor women based on the antiquated notion that a woman’s only means of support was in her ability to find a quality husband and that ability declines drastically after a divorce. Today, women work and divorce doesn’t just carry the stigma in the dating world. (Don’t worry. It still carries a stigma in the high school popularity world. Everyone will call you that divorced family kid, the one who broke his/her parents up.)
Mommy will drain Daddy’s money with child support and alimony so he’ll have to work 80 hours a week but barely afford a one room apartment in the ghetto. He’ll resent this so much he’ll barely be able to stand seeing her for the five minutes required to pick you up, so he’ll do it less and less.
Ironically, Daddy will eventually realize he has the best of both worlds. He accomplished a goal in life to have a kid…but he doesn’t have to take care of the kid that often. He can’t because he doesn’t live with Mommy. He’ll pick you up one weekend a month…then every 3 months…6 months…before long he’ll start a new family with a hotter, younger wife and use the knowledge of all the mistakes he made to be a great husband and father…to the new family…that you won’t be a part of….because remember, old gray white dreadlock step-daddy is your daddy now.
You really wish you’d picked up that fucking troll doll off the floor don’t you? Yeah you do.
#4 – Will This Ruin My Future?
Almost certainly. You’ll pit your parents against each other. You’ll gravitate towards the one with the least amount of rules. Whichever one you make the guiltiest will agree to all kinds of crazy shit. You’ll basically be the boss of your parents because they feel bad, but you won’t get any real parenting, so you will have a wasted youth that leads to a jaded, ruined adulthood.
Romantic partners will consider you damaged goods. You’ll get divorced yourself because you know, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
#5 – Will I Ever Be Happy Again?
Nope. That feeling will elude you for life. It is all your fault.
If you forget everything else, 3.5 readers, ALWAYS remember to tell your kids that your divorce is THEIR fault. You can’t sugarcoat every piece of shit that comes your kids’ way and believe me, as divorced life begins, there’s going to be a lot of shit, so let them take it straight.
What kind of bad news would you like me to explain how to break? Tell me in the comments.