World Renowned Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio
I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m sucking the suck out of the world so you don’t have to.
Perhaps you recognize me from one of my many fine books which describe in detail how you no longer have to suck:
How Now, Brown Suck Cow
John Livingston Suckgall
De-suck You, De-suck Me, De-suck it Together, Naturally
Stop the Suck World, I Want to Get Off!
When a Problem Comes Along, You Must Un-Suck It
How to Win Friends and Avoid Sucky People
I’m Mad as Hell and I Don’t Have to Suck Anymore!
Today’s question comes from a big ole suckface in Pismo Beach, Florida. Wow, it’s so nice and sunny, you’d have to be a big super sized sucker to suck in a place like that.
Dear Vinny B,
I’ve sucked so hard and for so long that I don’t even remember where all the suck began and I’m not sure how to even find a way for the suck end. Sometimes, when I think about all the things I have to do to not suck, I feel so overwhelmed that I begin to engage in sucky behaviors, like smoking crack, banging discount prostitutes with STD laden, gangrenous vaginas and eating Tide pods. So many Tide pods. Sometimes I just sit down in front of the TV and eat a whole bucket of those things. I’ve died seven times already and the doctors tell me they doubt they can bring me back again and I should stop eating Tide pods but I can’t help it because I suck so much.
How can I stop sucking today so I will not suck tomorrow?
Sincerely,
Pismo Sucker
My word, Pismo Sucker. Your life sure does suck. Don’t worry though. I’m here to help you un-suck it.
Here’s the deal. Your life didn’t suck itself up overnight. I’m sure it took many, many years worth of steadily, increasingly suckier activities until you became the great big sucker that you are today.
Maybe at one point you were great – young, vibrant, healthy, good job, you were going somewhere. Then, you started to suck a little. Maybe you stopped shaving everyday. Maybe you stopped caring about your appearance. Maybe you didn’t keep your desk, office, car, or home or anywhere else clean.
Maybe you started with an extra drink. Then two. Then five. Then twelve. Then came the crack, the smack, the horse tranquilizer and then the Tide pods. Boy, people have really been sucking themselves up with Tide pods lately. Don’t eat them, people. They suck and they’ll kill you and that would suck.
Slowly but surely you took a new, sucky step down the ladder of suck into the great sewer hole of suck-dom. Now you’re down there in the suck sewer, covered in so much suck muck you don’t know how you’ll ever get to the suck free top again.
Simple. Just as you plunged into suckitude one step at a time, so too will you step up into a suck free life, one step at a time.
Today you’ll start shaving. Tomorrow, you’ll start dressing better. The day after date, you’ll cut down on the booze. As time goes on you’ll cut out all the substances (though the Tide pods must be cut instantly.)
Seek counseling and a support group and therapy and treatment for your various addictions. There are many professionals who are quite adept at curing sucky problems like yours.
Rome wasn’t built in a day and your sucky life won’t be unsucked in a day, or a week, a month or even a year. Take each day is it comes. Find as much suck-free enjoyment as you can whilst still trapped in your suckitude. Slowly but surely, make incremental and positive changes that build up your suck free life and build up your immunity to suckyness.
Think of all the years you wasted wallowing your suck. Think how quickly those years went by, how happy you’d be if you’d stepped onto the slow but sure path onto a suck free journey years ago.
If you try to de-suck all of your suck instantly, it’ll be too much – a Herculean task for even the most advanced non-sucker. De-suck little by little, taking baby steps towards an overall end game of a suck free life.
You’ll get there, my friend, but you didn’t dick this suck hole overnight, and you aren’t going to fill it up with suck-free dirt overnight either.
I know it can be hard to sit there and think how far away a suck free life is, how much needs to be done before your life won’t suck anymore that it seems so surreal that your life could do anything but suck, but trust me, a suck free life is not a fairy tale. If you believe you won’t suck, then you will achieve a life that doesn’t suck.
Good luck, don’t suck, and FYI, my new book, “Good Luck, Don’t Suck” is now available at a book store near you that doesn’t suck.
Bookshelf Battle 