Daily Archives: February 7, 2018

You Can’t Argue with Science – Launch of Elon Musk’s Falcon Heavy Rocket

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By: Dr. Hugo von Science, Esteemed Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University

Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 readers!  Dr. Hugo von Science here, mein liebchen, back after a long hiatus for as you recall, there was a teensy, weensy issue where I was accused of unleashing a zombie apocalypse on East Randomtown.  Boy oh boy, you unleash one little zombie horde and the legal system never lets you here the end of it.

Ahh, but wouldn’t you know, mein crooked lawyer worked some magic, reminded zie government that they do not want to publicly acknowledge that zombies exist and thus to punish yours truly would be an admission of zombie existence and voila, my tenure at Science University has been restored!

Alas, BQB didn’t want me to return but that’s OK.  I just pirated the signal of his blog, changed a few ones undt zeroes and here I am, guest blogging against your favorite nerd’s will anyway.

Herr 3.5 readers, have you seen zie footage of the Heavy Falcon rocket launch?  If you missed it because you were too busy picking your nose boogers, here’s the CNBC coverage of the launch:

Herr 3.5 readers, do you know this rocket is a) the most powerful rocket ever built b) the first of its kind to be launched by a commercial enterprise und c) is capable of reaching Mars?

By the way, if you ask Elon, he will totally deny this and I’m sure BQB’s lawyer will want me to say this isn’t true but between you and me, I was brought in to be an advisor on this project in the early stages.

Yes, Elon was all like, “this will be the biggest rocket ever!”

And I was all like, “Yes, that’s very nice but it must be bigger if we are going to blow up the sun.”

Then everyone was all like, “Why would we blow up the sun?” and I was like, “So we can buy a bunch of flashlights in advance and then make a killing when we sell them to the blacked out masses at insane prices, duh!”

Needless to say, Elon and the Space X folk weren’t down for blowing up the sun, nor were they into mein other ideas, namely – launching my patent pending laser death ray satellite, which could be used to a) hold the world for ransom with a threat to burn the entire planet lest all the world’s gold reserves be transferred to me and b) also used to heat the coffee of a random person from a zillion miles away with tremendous precision.

Can you believe they weren’t down for holding the earth ransom either?  They were all like, “Science and discovery and exploration and benefitting mankind.”  Blah, blah blah.  What a bunch of wet blankets.

Anyway, I kept bringing up more ideas.  We should put all my enemies on the rocket and then exile them to deep space.  We should send the rocket to every planet and broadcast a message asking for all planets to send us their hottest, greenest, finest, three tittied space babes.  All of these plans und more were nixed.

Finally, Elon showed me the door and I informed him the feeling was more than mutual.  I am, after all, a scientist with standards and if a rocket is not going to be used to hold the earth for ransom or at the very least to blow up a random planet and start an intergalactic war, then I want no part of it and I shall say good day.

Ultimately, I am glad Space X launched their rocket and I wish them well in their various science experiments.

Meanwhile, look for mein rocket launch next year as you’ll see it on the news as well as all other TV channels as I will pre-empt all stations with my ransom demands.

Did I say, “ransom demands?”  I meant, “science lessons.”  I have no idea how this terrible rumor that I’m a mad scientist got started.  I’ll have all 3.5 of you know that I am a very happy scientist – very happy indeed.

 

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Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Taking Your Not Sucking Journey One Suck Free Day at a Time

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m sucking the suck out of the world so you don’t have to.

Perhaps you recognize me from one of my many fine books which describe in detail how you no longer have to suck:

How Now, Brown Suck Cow

John Livingston Suckgall

De-suck You, De-suck Me, De-suck it Together, Naturally

Stop the Suck World, I Want to Get Off!

When a Problem Comes Along, You Must Un-Suck It

How to Win Friends and Avoid Sucky People

I’m Mad as Hell and I Don’t Have to Suck Anymore!

Today’s question comes from a big ole suckface in Pismo Beach, Florida.  Wow, it’s so nice and sunny, you’d have to be a big super sized sucker to suck in a place like that.

Dear Vinny B,

I’ve sucked so hard and for so long that I don’t even remember where all the suck began and I’m not sure how to even find a way for the suck end.  Sometimes, when I think about all the things I have to do to not suck, I feel so overwhelmed that I begin to engage in sucky behaviors, like smoking crack, banging discount prostitutes with STD laden, gangrenous vaginas and eating Tide pods.  So many Tide pods.  Sometimes I just sit down in front of the TV and eat a whole bucket of those things.  I’ve died seven times already and the doctors tell me they doubt they can bring me back again and I should stop eating Tide pods but I can’t help it because I suck so much.

How can I stop sucking today so I will not suck tomorrow?

Sincerely,

Pismo Sucker

My word, Pismo Sucker.  Your life sure does suck.  Don’t worry though.  I’m here to help you un-suck it.

Here’s the deal.  Your life didn’t suck itself up overnight.  I’m sure it took many, many years worth of steadily, increasingly suckier activities until you became the great big sucker that you are today.

Maybe at one point you were great – young, vibrant, healthy, good job, you were going somewhere.  Then, you started to suck a little.  Maybe you stopped shaving everyday.  Maybe you stopped caring about your appearance.  Maybe you didn’t keep your desk, office, car, or home or anywhere else clean.

Maybe you started with an extra drink.  Then two.  Then five.  Then twelve.  Then came the crack, the smack, the horse tranquilizer and then the Tide pods.  Boy, people have really been sucking themselves up with Tide pods lately.  Don’t eat them, people.  They suck and they’ll kill you and that would suck.

Slowly but surely you took a new, sucky step down the ladder of suck into the great sewer hole of suck-dom.  Now you’re down there in the suck sewer, covered in so much suck muck you don’t know how you’ll ever get to the suck free top again.

Simple.  Just as you plunged into suckitude one step at a time, so too will you step up into a suck free life, one step at a time.

Today you’ll start shaving.  Tomorrow, you’ll start dressing better.  The day after date, you’ll cut down on the booze.  As time goes on you’ll cut out all the substances (though the Tide pods must be cut instantly.)

Seek counseling and a support group and therapy and treatment for your various addictions.  There are many professionals who are quite adept at curing sucky problems like yours.

Rome wasn’t built in a day and your sucky life won’t be unsucked in a day, or a week, a month or even a year.  Take each day is it comes.  Find as much suck-free enjoyment as you can whilst still trapped in your suckitude.  Slowly but surely, make incremental and positive changes that build up your suck free life and build up your immunity to suckyness.

Think of all the years you wasted wallowing your suck.  Think how quickly those years went by, how happy you’d be if you’d stepped onto the slow but sure path onto a suck free journey years ago.

If you try to de-suck all of your suck instantly, it’ll be too much – a Herculean task for even the most advanced non-sucker.  De-suck little by little, taking baby steps towards an overall end game of a suck free life.

You’ll get there, my friend, but you didn’t dick this suck hole overnight, and you aren’t going to fill it up with suck-free dirt overnight either.

I know it can be hard to sit there and think how far away a suck free life is, how much needs to be done before your life won’t suck anymore that it seems so surreal that your life could do anything but suck, but trust me, a suck free life is not a fairy tale.  If you believe you won’t suck, then you will achieve a life that doesn’t suck.

Good luck, don’t suck, and FYI, my new book, “Good Luck, Don’t Suck” is now available at a book store near you that doesn’t suck.

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