By: Brother Waldo, BQB’s Spiritual Advisor and Member of the Church of Not Giving a Shit
Greetings and no shits be upon you, 3.5 readers. When BQB asked me to be a columnist for this blog, I didn’t really give a shit about that. But then I thought about it and decided that to not write on this blog would be to say that I give a shit about not appearing on this blog. Ergo, I decided to write on this blog, but to not give a shit about whether or not anyone would read it.
Why should you not give a shit? Personally, I don’t give a shit if you do give a shit, but if you are asking why should you not give a shit, my first response is to ask you what has giving a shit ever gotten you? Probably just a bunch of shit, which you’ll have to give many of your precious shits about. Never give a shit about any shit.
More importantly, since the dawn of time, man has given shits and those shits have always gotten the shit givers into a whole mess of trouble.
Let’s examine this further. Wars are started by people who give a shit about something. They are waged against people who give a different type of shit about something. Both sides give so much shit that they kill each other just to prove who gives more of a shit. In the aftermath, the world just turns to shit.
Violence, famine, turmoil, strife – all started by people who gave a shit and all actions to make others give a shit just shitting up the place.
But, 3.5 readers, for as long as there have been people shitting up the world through the shits they give, there have been fine, upstanding members of the Church of Not Giving a Shit who stood up to not give a shit. Those non-shit givers typically always made it through the most difficult of historical times by simply keeping their shits close to the vest rather than give them away with reckless abandon.
Take Brother Alistair, who was once asked by an ancient British king to join the army and run at a bunch of marauders and get his legs chopped off. All the other shit givers gave a shit and they were hacked to pieces. Brother Alistair, on the other hand, just shrugged his shoulders, said, “I don’t give a shit,” and walked off the battlefield. He lived to be 102 which was fairly unheard of in those days, yet it was made possible for not giving a shit spared his body so much stress.
Yes, for as long as people have made the world shitty by giving a shit, there have been proud members of this fine church who didn’t give a shit and lived to tell the tale. From the earliest wars in human history, all throughout the dark ages, the renaissance, the Revolutionary War, Civil War, Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan and more have all saved themselves from destruction simply by not giving a shit.
Ah, but here’s where our movement gets interesting. Many did not give a shit about wars so they were saved by walking away from battle. Others who gave a shit joined the army and fought because, when asked whether they were scared to fight, they simply said, “I don’t give a shit.”
Yes. You see, it’s possible for two different people to not give shits and yet the shits not given lead to different paths, war and abstention from war, respectively. Shits can be given in different ways, from those who don’t give enough of a shit to fight, to those who don’t give enough of a shit about the fear of death that they sign up. Ironically, those who don’t give a shit about dying tend to be the most valiant fighters who live to tell tales of battle, or at least they would tell them, if they gave enough of a shit about you to tell you.
Ultimately, as long as there has been time, there have been people who do not give a shit. Not giving a shit is one, if not the, oldest movement of all time. Why, if you give a shit to find out, you’d know archaeologists have found ancient cave paintings featuring cavemen falling asleep whilst being chewed out by their cave wives for not picking up enough rocks on the way home from caveman work.
It’s up to you and if you give a shit about joining our church, you’d be taking part in a longstanding tradition of not giving a shit, a movement filled with a vast, vibrant history of not giving any shits at all.
Ironically, if you don’t give a shit about joining, then you’ve already joined. We’d add your name to the roll of the great non-shit givers, but we don’t give a shit whether or not your name is recorded for posterity.
Thank you for giving a shit about this column, but also know that if you did give a shit, our church is not for you.
You don’t give a shit about that? Welcome back.