Introducing Brother Waldo of the Church of Not Giving a Shit

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Hey 3.5 heathens.  BQB here.  I must confess, the utter failure of this blog has caused my to realize something very important, namely, that I need religion in my life.  After all, we all need something to believe in to get us through the day, a source of spiritual healing and guidance just to get us through the journey of life.

To that end, I looked high and low.  I spoke to the Christians and they told me that Jesus died for my sins.  I preyed to Jesus to thank him and told him if he died just for my sins, then the whole cross thing was an overkill.  My sins aren’t voluminous and I don’t think anyone should have to die just because I eat an extra slice of pizza and cry while I masturbate myself to sleep every night.  Gluttony and lust, right there.

Next, I talked to the Jews.  I told them that I’m a failure as a blogger.  They told me that Moses parted the Red Sea and wandered the desert with his people for forty years, so fear not, becoming a great blogger, like any other goal, takes time.

I spoke to the buddhists and they said don’t worry if you’re a terrible blogger because your blog, like anything else, was never meant to last forever.

I searched high and low and all representatives of religions were helpful, but none really spoke to me until I met Brother Waldo in a supermarket in East Randomtown.

“Damn,” I said.  “This store is all out of milk.”

“So?”  Brother Waldo said.  “Who gives a shit?”

“I do.”

“Why do you give a shit?” Waldo asked.

“Because I want strong bones,” I replied.

“Why do you give a shit about strong bones?”  Brother Waldo asked.

“Because I want to be able to walk well into my old age,” I said.

“Who gives a shit about that?” Brother Waldo asked.

“I do,” I said.

“Why?”

“Because I…”

And so, the conversation continued like that for an hour until Brother Waldo let me in on a secret.

“I’m Brother Waldo,” the man said.  “I’m a member of the Church of Not Giving a Shit and what you’ve just witnessed is the infinite cycle of circular shit giving.”

“Excuse me?” I asked.

“It’s possible for you to give a shit about something into perpetuity while also giving your reason for giving a shit as little more than a constant refrain of the lie that somehow, you must give a shit because you feel you are required to,” Brother Waldo explained.  “But you aren’t.”

Wow.  That changed my life.  I AM NOT REQUIRED TO GIVE A SHIT!

Blah, blah, blah, long story short, I moved Brother Waldo into BQB HQ, named him my spiritual advisor, joined the Church of Not Giving a Shit, and gave the good brother a column on my fine blog sooooo….enjoy.

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