Hey 3.5 heathens. BQB here. I must confess, the utter failure of this blog has caused my to realize something very important, namely, that I need religion in my life. After all, we all need something to believe in to get us through the day, a source of spiritual healing and guidance just to get us through the journey of life.
To that end, I looked high and low. I spoke to the Christians and they told me that Jesus died for my sins. I preyed to Jesus to thank him and told him if he died just for my sins, then the whole cross thing was an overkill. My sins aren’t voluminous and I don’t think anyone should have to die just because I eat an extra slice of pizza and cry while I masturbate myself to sleep every night. Gluttony and lust, right there.
Next, I talked to the Jews. I told them that I’m a failure as a blogger. They told me that Moses parted the Red Sea and wandered the desert with his people for forty years, so fear not, becoming a great blogger, like any other goal, takes time.
I spoke to the buddhists and they said don’t worry if you’re a terrible blogger because your blog, like anything else, was never meant to last forever.
I searched high and low and all representatives of religions were helpful, but none really spoke to me until I met Brother Waldo in a supermarket in East Randomtown.
“Damn,” I said. “This store is all out of milk.”
“So?” Brother Waldo said. “Who gives a shit?”
“Why do you give a shit?” Waldo asked.
“Because I want strong bones,” I replied.
“Why do you give a shit about strong bones?” Brother Waldo asked.
“Because I want to be able to walk well into my old age,” I said.
“Who gives a shit about that?” Brother Waldo asked.
“I do,” I said.
And so, the conversation continued like that for an hour until Brother Waldo let me in on a secret.
“I’m Brother Waldo,” the man said. “I’m a member of the Church of Not Giving a Shit and what you’ve just witnessed is the infinite cycle of circular shit giving.”
“Excuse me?” I asked.
“It’s possible for you to give a shit about something into perpetuity while also giving your reason for giving a shit as little more than a constant refrain of the lie that somehow, you must give a shit because you feel you are required to,” Brother Waldo explained. “But you aren’t.”
Wow. That changed my life. I AM NOT REQUIRED TO GIVE A SHIT!
Blah, blah, blah, long story short, I moved Brother Waldo into BQB HQ, named him my spiritual advisor, joined the Church of Not Giving a Shit, and gave the good brother a column on my fine blog sooooo….enjoy.