BQB: Hello, welcome to the BQB Network’s hurricane news coverage. First, because everyone at home is too dumb to imagine what heavy winds and rain look like, here’s some asshole reporter we lashed to a post in the middle of the storm. Asshole reporter, are you there?
ASSHOLE REPORTER LASHED TO A POST: I’m here, BQB! Boy, this hurricane sure does suck big hairy donkey balls! As you can see, the water is rising, rising, rising but I’m at the top of this post so I should be fine for awhile and…aw shit, the water’s at my waist, isn’t it?
BQB: You’ll be fine, Asshole Reporter. Moving on, here’s an interview with Some Dipshit Who Didn’t Listen to the Evacuation Order.
SOME DIPSHIT WHO DIDN’T LISTEN TO THE EVACUATION ORDER: Boy howdy, them government boys told me I got to leave but I said, no sirree, bob. I am staying put in this house because my great-grandpappy built this house with his bare hands and also I will be damned if I will allow looters to abscond with my precious collection of potato chips that bear a striking resemblance to Harry S. Truman. But I do thank the 50 emergency rescue team members who risked their lives to save me once the water got so high that I had to tap dance on top of my roof with my dog under my arm.
BQB: And here’s some Bubba who, well, we’re not making fun of him. I mean, it sounds like we are but he’s cool so we won’t.
BUBBA: My name is Bubba Bosephus Jones and I am from Kentucky and I done come here on my own accord so I could assist authorities in saving folks with my own rowboat and I done already saved 78 old ladies, 4 cats, 3 dogs and 1 hamster.
BQB: It’s like, I want to make fun of you, because the idea of volunteering to go to help people in a disaster is silly to me, but then when I say it out loud, I realize that you’re the good person and I’m the asshole. Anyway, let’s talk a Democrat to see the political fall out of the storm.
DEMOCRAT: Trump is a demon warlock who causes hurricanes!
BQB: And the president had this to say.
TRUMP: I will knock out the hurricane with my own penis. That’s right, people. My dong is so huge that it can knock out bad weather, believe me. The fake news media will tell you that it can’t but it totally can, believe me.