Tag Archives: trump

Words the Media Should Stop Using

#1 and #2 – Terrifying, Horrifying or Variants

EXAMPLE: “Senator Bumble’s Support for Bill #535 is Terrifying!”

No it isn’t.  You know what’s terrifying? Leatherface coming at you with a revving chainsaw and the car you’re in is out of gas.

If you don’t support that bill, then Senator Bumble’s support for it is disappointing, ill-advised or contrary to your beliefs, but one usually only feels terror when one is in a dangerous situation, one where there is a great likelihood of danger to your physical well-being.

Things that are terrifying: Mike Myers chasing you with a machete.  A dump truck barreling down on you and your foot is stuck in a pothole.  A Bengal tiger spotting you and licking his chops.

Times I Have Been Terrified in My Life: 1) I was getting out of a car on a rainy night when I noticed another car had veered off the road and was about to crash into the car I was getting out of. I had to make a split second decision to keep getting out of the car and try to make a run for it or get back in the car.  I got back in the car and as it turns out, that was the better move as the impact pushed the car quite a bit, right over the spot I would have been in…as you know, a person not inside a car to protect me.  That was terrifying but I am now here to entertain you 3.5 readers so it worked out.

Other Time I Was Terrified:  I was walking alone in a neighborhood at night and an enormous dog started following me.  He kept sniffing at me, nipping at me, put his paws on me (on my shoulders because that’s how big it was) and it was just huge.  I’m not sure the feeling amounted to terror but there was a large concern in my mind at the time that this mutt could have ripped out my larynx if it wanted then defiled my corpse and it was such a quiet country road that it would have been days before the road cleanup crew would have scooped me up with a spatula.  Luckily, the dog didn’t want to.

At any rate, I have felt terror and close to terror but bloviating politicians have yet to strike terror into me.

Things that are not terrifying: Senator Bumble’s support for a bill.

Here’s a handy tip.  When you read about Senator Bumble, did your butthole pucker? Did you break out into a cold sweat?  Did your heart beat rapidly? No?  OK, so then let’s stop using the word terrifying to describe things that don’t cause these things to happen.

#3 – Destroyed

EXAMPLE: Talk Show Host Talky McTalksalot Just Gave a Monologue That Destroyed Trump!

No.  To destroy is to eradicate.  Make it no longer there. Maybe Talky’s monologue gave a strong argument against Trump’s policies.  Maybe you agree with Talky and are happy to see someone is vocalizing a point you agree with.  Maybe Talky has shown where Trump has made a mistake or has engaged in some action you find disagreeable, but Trump was not destroyed.  Trump is still here.  He is still getting up every day, eating his morning Big Mac, then tweeting up a storm.

There are some other words the media uses that drive me crazy but that’s all I can think of for now.

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , ,

Does Confidence Come From Within or Does It Have to Be Backed Up?

3.5 readers, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but our 45th POTUS has a rather high opinion of himself.  Love him or hate him, that self-confidence has helped him win.

Perhaps it is easy for him to be that uber confident.  He was born into great wealth and used it to make more…something most of us will never be able to do.

Then again, if he’d been born poor and only became say, a lowly insurance salesman, something tells me he’d be able to sell tons of insurance policies and make bank for himself.

So I don’t know.  People tell me I should try to be confident but I feel like I don’t have much to back it up.

Do you think, for example, if a man who, to riff on Chris Farley, lived in a van down by the river, were to walk into a bar and speak confidently and highly of himself…do you think he’d be able to convince a hot babe to join him in his van down by the river?

Or, would he need something to back his confidence up?  Perhaps if he had a mansion he could invite the hot babe to, then he’d have no problem.

Perhaps the greatest part of confidence is knowing that if the opportunity you’re chasing doesn’t work out, another will be around in 5 minutes.

Thus, if you haven’t gotten it on in years, you’re going to seem desperate to that hot babe at the bar.  But if you get it regular, then you’ll have like a “Hey baby, take it or leave it” attitude that ironically, may very well intrigue said hot babe.

Personally, I think confidence isn’t a bluff but rather is a state of being obtained by being able to back up what you say and do.  I don’t think Trump would say half the things he does if he didn’t know that he had mad cash to hire lawyers to protect him from lawsuits and if his business is adversely affected then he still has plenty of dough.  Meanwhile, if you’re the manager of a shoe store like Al Bundy, you’re probably going to keep quiet as you need the last 5 bucks in your wallet for a pizza.

That’s my two cents.  Discuss.

Tagged , , , ,

Hurricane Florence News Coverage

BQB: Hello, welcome to the BQB Network’s hurricane news coverage.  First, because everyone at home is too dumb to imagine what heavy winds and rain look like, here’s some asshole reporter we lashed to a post in the middle of the storm.  Asshole reporter, are you there?

ASSHOLE REPORTER LASHED TO A POST: I’m here, BQB!  Boy, this hurricane sure does suck big hairy donkey balls!  As you can see, the water is rising, rising, rising but I’m at the top of this post so I should be fine for awhile and…aw shit, the water’s at my waist, isn’t it?

BQB: You’ll be fine, Asshole Reporter.  Moving on, here’s an interview with Some Dipshit Who Didn’t Listen to the Evacuation Order.

SOME DIPSHIT WHO DIDN’T LISTEN TO THE EVACUATION ORDER: Boy howdy, them government boys told me I got to leave but I said, no sirree, bob.  I am staying put in this house because my great-grandpappy built this house with his bare hands and also I will be damned if I will allow looters to abscond with my precious collection of potato chips that bear a striking resemblance to Harry S. Truman.  But I do thank the 50 emergency rescue team members who risked their lives to save me once the water got so high that I had to tap dance on top of my roof with my dog under my arm.

BQB: And here’s some Bubba who, well, we’re not making fun of him.  I mean, it sounds like we are but he’s cool so we won’t.

BUBBA: My name is Bubba Bosephus Jones and I am from Kentucky and I done come here on my own accord so I could assist authorities in saving folks with my own rowboat and I done already saved 78 old ladies, 4 cats, 3 dogs and 1 hamster.

BQB: It’s like, I want to make fun of you, because the idea of volunteering to go to help people in a disaster is silly to me, but then when I say it out loud, I realize that you’re the good person and I’m the asshole.  Anyway, let’s talk a Democrat to see the political fall out of the storm.

DEMOCRAT: Trump is a demon warlock who causes hurricanes!

BQB: And the president had this to say.

TRUMP:  I will knock out the hurricane with my own penis.  That’s right, people.  My dong is so huge that it can knock out bad weather, believe me.  The fake news media will tell you that it can’t but it totally can, believe me.

 

 

 

 

Tagged , , , , ,

Daily Discussion with BQB – Should There Be a Space Force?

As a nerd, I give a resounding yes.  The name is awesome and sounds like it comes from a sci-fi movie.  However, I think I can read Trump’s mind.  I think his idea is that thousands of years from now, contact will be made between humans and aliens.  If a U.S. Space Force is started, that will likely be the organization that contacts the aliens. Ergo, Trump wants to reserve a spot in the history books as the creator of the Space Force that eventually made contact with aliens.

My two cents on what he is up to anyway.  Either that, or he’ll push for a Mars expedition with the hope of building a structure that might get the name “Trump” slapped on it, which you might laugh at, but JFK’s support for the space program led to the creation of the Kennedy Space Center in Florida.

I don’t know.  Love or hate Trump, but I like this idea.  Sign me up for the Space Force.

Come to think of it, our POTUS does like pussy.  (What’s not to like?)  Maybe he is hoping the Space Force might be able to find and bring back some green space bitches with multiple pussies to grab.  Ugh, nice in theory but in reality, way too much work to please all that pussy.

I wouldn’t mind finding some space bitches with three titties though.  That’s just three times the fun.

In all seriousness, life surely exists in the vast reaches of space.  It would be amazing to make contact, though whether or not that contact would yield good or bad results for humanity remains to be seen.  Due to our curious natures, we’ll always keep trying to make that contact, even though the safe bet is to stick to our own corner of the galaxy, so we might as well keep on trying and see what happens.  Hopefully, whatever happens is a good thing.

DISCUSS.

Tagged , , , ,

Search Engine Optimized Poet – Naked Photos of Stormy Daniels

:::Bongo Drum Beats:::

Hey there all you hep cats and hep kittens. Come on down to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where the poets always stink and the cups are never clean.

Next on the mic is the one and only Search Engine Optimized Poet…the only rhyme-smith whose beats bring in the web searchers’ feets, ya dig?

up-korora-beatnik-800px

Stormy!  Whoa, Stormy!

You have enormous bazoombas!

And now every man in the free world,

Is sucking up your videos like a big Roomba…

Vac?  Oh, I’m a hack.

Trying to give BQB’s blog a big ratings attack.

Cut me some slack.  “I’ll be back.”

That’s what Schwarzenegger did say.

What? You want to see Stormy’s monster funbags today?

Hooray!  They’re on the way!  But be filled with dismay.

For filled with silicone is the porn star’s way.

Nay!  The photos of the lady who banged the Prez are not here.

But follow this link, and perhaps Stormy’s storm front will appear?

Tagged , , , , , ,

Daily Discussion with BQB – Marco Rubio’s Epic Ivanka Trump Hug Fail

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.  As you know, I avoid discussing politics on this fine blog, because whether you are a Republican or a Democrat, I think the most important thing everyone can do is to come together and buy my book and give my blog extra clicks so I can finally buy my long awaited beach house in Malibu and fill it full of women of ill repute and questionable moral character.

Anyway.  Regardless of your thoughts on POTUS 45, you’ve got to admit, the First Daughter is so hot that should could give a bad case of priapism to a eunuch.  (That’s when your little soldier stands at attention  for more than four hours.  Daytime TV commercials advise you to see a doctor at that point.)

Thus, I personally feel for Florida Senator Marco Rubio when he delivered this awkward hug to Ivanka:

Sure, your first instinct might be to think that Senator Rubio is a dope for not just going all in like a man on that hug (Lord knows Bookshelf Q. Battler has never been one to leave a lady unsatisfied in the hug department) but then consider:

  1. He’s a married man.  He probably didn’t want to linger too long and piss off his wife.  “What, dear?  No, I got zero enjoyment out of hugging one of the most beautiful women in the world.  Didn’t you see the photo?  I barely touched her.
  2. She’s a married woman.  You don’t want to get on the Kush’s bad side.
  3. He’s a politician.  Had he lingered too long the media would say he must be warm for Ivanka’s form.
  4. She’s hot so like every second of contact adds another second to the bad case of priapism I assume anyone gets when they come into contact with her – which is fine, under normal circumstances, but in the Senator’s case, he probably had important Senatorial shit to do after that meeting so it’s not like he can walk around all day with a bout of Ivanka inspired priapism.
  5. Ivanka kind of seems so hot that like, the average hug just bounces off her.  Like, you need to be more than just a Senator in order to land your hug because an invisible force field will just bounce your hug right off.  You have to be like the Emperor of Jupiter or an equally sized planet for your hug to go through.  Only hugs from ridiculously impressive men will land.

Later, Rubio lampooned the coverage, joking in a series of tweets that he was “investigating” the awkward hug allegations and Ivanka tweeted “Fake news! Marco Rubio is an excellent hugger.

Anyway, I don’t intend to start a whole political back and forth with this post.  I just thought the photo was funny and I could picture myself in Rubio’s situation, having no idea what to do and feeling like any move is going to get me lambasted so, oh well, here goes the awkward hug.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

Tagged , , , , , ,

BQB Continues to Be a Douche on Twitter

Hey 3.5 readers.  Video Game Rack Fighter here.

So, it seems as though there was an oversight on my part.  I got custody of this blog in the divorce, but I didn’t think about the social media accounts.

Ergo, BQB just went all Trump style on me:

Can you believe it?  Just when I was thinking about giving BQB back his dumb blog and, blech, even considering the possibility of (gag) getting back together with that nerd, he totally douches out on Twitter.

It gets worse:

And then there was this gem:

What a dingus.  Now I will never give his stupid blog back.

Do me a favor and follow BQB @bookshelfbattle on Twitter.  If you see him talking smack about me, let me know.  What a butt face.

Tagged , , , ,

The Prognostications of the Astounding Nerdstradamus – Robot Hookers, Unsavory Acts with Hobos and Orange Sherbet Monsters

And now, from Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters in Fabulous East Randomtown, the Astounding Nerdstradamus shares his confounding prognostications of the future of nerd kind…

shutterstock_231480892

Come forth, 3.5 readers and bask in my all seeing glory for I, the Astounding Nerdstradamus, shall open your eyes so that you might peer deep into the future of nerd-dom:

  • Humanity will come to an end in the year 2105, due to a sharp decrease in worldwide reproduction.  Will it be a coincidence when cheap and affordable robot hookers are invented in 2030?  Maybe, maybe not.
  • Nerds of the future shall one day invent a time phone that will allow your present self to call your past self.  However, due to concerns about the integrity of the space-time continuum, you will only be able to ask your past self if he or she has Prince Albert in a can.  For an extra fifty dollars, the time phone company will allow you to ask your past self if his/her refrigerator is running.  Under no circumstances will you be able to finish the joke by telling your past self to catch the running fridge.  If you were too lazy to catch the running fridge in the past, you’ll only screw up world history if you try to fix that past mistake now.
  • The good news about video games of the future?  You will be able to be a character in one of them.  The bad news?  Only an asshole would want to smash bricks with his head and murder poor, defenseless turtles.
  • Doctors will invent an anti-flatulence pill that causes the body to store farts and save them until later.  Unfortunately, the entire Western Hemisphere will go up in flames when Esther Thompson of Phoenix, Arizona lets her anti-flatulence pill prescription run out and lets out ninety years’ worth of gas at once.  Whoa nelly.
  • Pez will become an international currency.  Alas, many will be murdered in the ensuing war over who can collect the most plastic cartoon character dispensers.  Also, politicians will fight each other with phrases like, “The top 99% of all Pez owners need to share their Pez with the rest of us” and “What is this, Communism?  If you want Pez, you need to jerk off hobos at the bus station for Pez like the rest of us.”
  • That reminds me:  in the future, all jobs will be performed by robots.  The only means of income for humans will be jerking off bus station hobos in exchange for Pez.
  • “That’s What She Said” will become America’s official motto.
  • President Robo Trump will step down from his rule in the year 2782 in order to spend more time doing what he loves: grabbing hot ass robot supermodels by their fuel injectors.  He will hand dominion over his kingdom to Queen Ivanka, First of Her Name.
  • Note that President Robo Trump will not still be ruling in 2782 due to any dictatorial actions but rather, because Robo Hillary Clinton will never, ever, ever stop running for Emperor of Earth and literally no one, not even Robo Bill Clinton, will be willing to pull her aside and tell her that it is time for a fresh robo face.
  • Not gonna lie – Robo Bill will also be totally into the aforementioned robot hookers.  Then again, who won’t be?  They will be programmed to perform wild acrobatics in the boudoir…and then bake you a pie afterwards.  Word peace through artificial sex and delicious pie, because literally no one will have time to fight, what with all of the robot sex and robot baked pie and all.  Ah, the robot sex pie era shall truly be a magnificent time period to live in.
  • “Yo Mama” jokes will be considered a serious art form.  Nelson Chatsworth of Scranton, PA will win a Pulitzer for telling a friend that said friend’s mother is, and I quote, “So fat her blood type is rocky road.”  Alas, Nelson will be forced to return the award when it is determined that a) this joke has been told for centuries and b) it is scientifically impossible for someone to bleed rocky road ice cream.  However, by the year 4102, it will be possible for people to bleed orange sherbet, but I don’t want to keep you up at night with tales of the half-human/half orange sherbet monsters that will be created.  Let’s just say, “Oh it’s ok.  You can eat me!  Technically, I’m not ice cream so its not really cheating on your diet!” will take on a whole new meaning.
  • Bloggers will beam their posts directly into the minds of their readers.  Alas, BQB will only be beaming his posts to 3.5 minds.

What prognostications do you have of the future, 3.5 readers?  Share them with the Astounding Nerdstradamus in the comments!

Tagged , , , ,

Daily Discussion with BQB – The Government Doesn’t Have a Space Alien in Captivity

Hey 3.5 readers.

So this post isn’t meant to be a referendum on Trump.  Complain about politics on your own time.

This is a post about aliens, or more specifically, whether or not that US government has one in captivity.

I always figured that if the government does have an alien, they’d probably show it to the president right away.  A new presidents first days are, I can only assume, filled with all sorts of lackies, henchmen, bureaucrats, operatives etc. coming up the the president and being all like, “OK sir, there are few people in the world who know this and we are now going to tell you and it is going to blow your mind.”

So anyway, if we do have an alien, I don’t think Trump would be able to hold back on that one.  He’d totally get on Twitter and be all like, “Just met Meepzorp and boy is that guy’s head yuge!  He’s a really classy extraterrestrial, let me tell you.  All of my intergalactic beings are fantastic.  Hillary didn’t even get to meet Meepzorp.  #sad.”

That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it.  As a nerd, I never knew if we had an alien or not, but if we did, it would not surprise me, but now I don’t think we do because Trump would have posted a photo of himself with the alien by now.

Tagged , , , ,

Five More Boring Things to Do from the Yeti

By: The Yeti, International War Criminal/Super Boring Fuzzy Snow Monster

Hello overstimulated 3.5 readers.

The Yeti here, back with some more boring things for you to do.

shutterstock_152431793

#1 – Eat a Bag of Rice Cakes

Literally, like consuming styrofoam.  What is the point? You can eat a bag of them and it is like 10 calories or something.  Rice cakes are like methadone for a recovering fat person.  Very boring.

#2 – Wait in a Line

Doesn’t matter what it is for.  Just pick a line and wait.

#3 – Do a Crossword Puzzle

“Oh look at me!  I’m Mr. Genius Newspaper Crossword Puzzle Creator!  Blah, blah, blah I’m so smart because I lined up a word going across with another word going down based on a single letter that both words have in common.  Someone give me a trophy, blah, blah, blah.”

Boring!

#4- Share a Dumbass Face Book Meme

“Oh, look at me again!  Here is my stupid post with a copyright infringing yellow minion and it says some bullshit like, ‘I wonder if I share a hug how many people would hug me back?  I bet I don’t get one hug!'”

Good!  Call a bookie and place that bet because that is some winning action, you incredibly boring assface!

#5 – Get Into a Political Argument with a Facebook Friend

“Blah, blah, blah.  I work at the gas station and I think Trump is the best.  Oh yeah? Well, blah, blah, blah, I work at a drive-thru burger joint and I think Hillary was outta sight.  Oh yeah?  Well, I live on a commune and I’m all about Bernie.  Yes, let us all blah, blah, blah our unwavering political opinions at each other all night despite our lack of qualifications and credentials, blah, blah, blah.”

Boredom forever!

Tired of a Yeti controlled Bookshelf Battle Blog?  Kick the Yeti’s furry butt out of BQB HQ by following BQB on Twitter – @bookshelfbattle

 

 

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,
Advertisements