Bookshelf Battle

Yup.  It’s Halloween so we know what that means.  Crazy SJWs are flipping their shit over the fact that someone, somewhere in the world might wear a costume for one night for a few hours that might offend somebody, somewhere.

Redbook published this article, breathlessly warning of the dangers of the epic sadness and woe that could spread across the globe if parents allow white daughters to dress like Polynesian princess Moana this Halloween.

First, the article is an example of what is wrong with journalism i.e. the drumming up of a faux controversy.  I mean, it makes it out as if there are a legion of little girls dressing up like Polynesian princesses and an equally large legion of Polynesian girls who are beside themselves with misery and woe over this.  I mean, maybe, just maybe there’s one Halloween party somewhere where this could happen, but is it a scenario worth an entire article? Probably not.

Second, the article contains this quote:

The original article, written by Sachi Feris, discusses how her white daughter was torn between dressing as Elsa, from Frozen, or the titular character from Moana. Feris expresses concern that while an Elsa costume might reinforce notions of white privilege, dressing up as Moana is essentially cultural appropriation — the act of reducing someone’s culture to stereotypes, and thereby belittling it.

So if you’re a little white girl, don’t dress up like Elsa because Elsa has white privilege but also don’t dress up like Moana because you aren’t Polynesian at all.

In other words…don’t dress up like a character that has any kind of ethnicity?  So…if you’re a white kid, just don’t dress up like a human.  Be an inanimate object.  Go as a rock.  Better yet, just stay home, you little cracker devils.  Your ancestors got all the candy for far too long and it’s time you took a breather.

You know I’ll meet the SJWs half-way and realize that yeah, when there are tons of other costumes out there, a costume that calls for a white kid to change ethnicity isn’t the greatest.

Then again, if a white girl just wants to wear the Moana dress, isn’t she just idolizing Moana?  Isn’t a little white girl so in awe of a non-white person that she wants to emulate and be just like her hero?  That non-white people can be role models for white people to look up to and be like, isn’t more of that what we want?

Plus, if they harangue the costume companies enough, won’t they discontinue the costume?  And then what will all the Polynesian girls who want to dress like Moana wear?

Do I think kids should be changing their skin color to become another ethnicity for a Halloween costume?  No.  Is it ok if a white kid wears a costume worn by a non-white character?  I mean, I can listen to why you might find that offensive, but I’d counter that if you are white and feel this strongly, then run to your closet immediately and throw away your kimono and your Hawaiian shirt.

Shit.  I’m not Hawaiian and my goal in life is to move to a tropical environment and wear nothing but a vast array of brightly colored Hawaiian shirts with parrots and palm trees on them.  Oh well.  #WorseThanHitler

Cultural appropriation.  It’s when you venture outside of your culture.  Yup.  We used to be segregated.  Whites stayed on their part of town, blacks on theirs, different ethnicities to their own.  Then the SJWS of the 1960s called on us to become the melting pot.  Everyone mix and mingle.  Date outside your race.  Get ideas from other cultures.  If culture X has good food, eat it.  If culture Y has good booze, drink it.  If culture Z has good music, listen to it.  If culture A has cool clothes, wear them.

Ironically, today’s SJWs, though I don’t think they realize it, are returning us to segregation.  Everyone stick to your own culture and never let your cultures mingle with other cultures lest you offend.

With all that being said, here is my handy list of what your kid SHOULD NOT be wearing this Halloween season, lest they offend someone, somewhere:

Smurf – No.  Offensive to short people with oxygen flow problems that make their faces blue.

Devil – Offensive to Satanists.

Witch – Offensive to Wiccans.

Batman – Offensive to Bats and/or grown men still grieving over the loss of their parents.

Superman – Offensive to intergalactic travelers.  You may only wear this costume if the lack of a red sun gives you super powers.

Wonder Woman – Are you an Amazon?  No?  Stop being worse than Hitler.

Spooky Ghost – Offensive to spirits who are trapped here and unable to move on.

Zombie – Offensive to dead people.  Many kids have dead Grandmas who have been in the ground a few years and look like zombies.  Stop offending kids with dead Grandmas.

Cat – Only if you are a cat.

Pirate – Offensive to 17th Century sea-dwelling criminals.

The Little Mermaid – Offensive to mermaids.

Mickey Mouse – Only if you are a mouse that walks like a man.

Donald Duck – Offensive to pantsless ducks with anger management issues everywhere.

Goofy – Only if you are a dog that walks like a man.

Nerd – offensive to smart people.

Caveman – Offensive to those with evolutionary issues.

Mike Myers – Offensive to escaped mental patients who want to kill their sisters or Canadian comedians who had a good run in the 1990s, depending on which version you go with.

Hippy – Offensive to 1960s protesters.  Only wear if you were at Woodstock.  Must carry photographic proof of you at Woodstock.

Bunny – Offensive to anyone with big ears.

Sexy nurse – Offensive to people who actually put the time in to get a nursing degree.

Iron Man – Offensive to billionaires turned super heroes.

Spiderman – Offensive to nerds who have been bitten by radioactive spiders.

The Incredible Hulk – Offensive to people with anger management issues.

Nun – Offensive to Catholics.

Shaggy from Scooby Doo – Offensive to drug addicts.

Belle – Offensive to French women.

Beast – Offensive to hairy French men.

Wolverine – offensive to people who have had a complex surgery to have their bones replaced with super strong steel.

Catwoman – Offensive to cats and catwomen.

That Costume Where One Friend is the Front of the Horse and the Other Friend is the Back – Offensive to horses everywhere

That Costume Where the Husband Wheres the Plug and the Wife Wears the Slot – Assumes that sex is the only benefit of marriage.  Very offensive.  Also offends people who use electricity.

Count Dracula – Promulgates the stereotype that all Romanians want to suck your blood.  Recent studies indicate 99.999 percent do not.

Frankenstein – Offensive to people who are comprised of body parts taken from other dead bodies.

The Mummy – Offensive to Egyptians.

The Wolfman – Offensive to hairy people.

Clown – Let me see your Child Party Entertainer’s license buddy.

Flapper – Were you alive in the 1920s?  Only Great Grandma can wear this shit.

Ancient Knight – I’m going to have to see the Queen do that thing where she touches your shoulders with the sword.

Harry Potter – I need to see your Hogwart’s diploma.  Otherwise, offensive to actual wizards who worked hard to earn their wands.

Hobo – Do you want to make rail yard dwellers cry?

CONCLUSIONS:

People, really, there’s no costume you could possibly wear that will not offend anyone.  I mean, you could go as a rock, but I’m telling you, you are just begging for a geologist to come up and give you a piece of his mind.

So just stay home, wear clothing consistent with those of your ancestors and only YOUR ancestors, and watch TV and eat candy that you buy and pay for yourself.  Thank you.