Ahh, alleged perverts! They are so allegedly perverted in their alleged perversions. And for legal reasons, we have to always say they are “alleged” perverts because we weren’t there at the time of the alleged perversions but I mean, yeah, it does kinda sound like they were perving it up…allegedly.
Alleged perverts seem to be in great supply these days. Every day there’s a new allegation of perversion against a famous celebrity you thought you knew and trusted and invited into your home via your TV screen for so many years.
Ladies, I don’t want to alarm you, but I think it’s pretty safe to assume that literally everyone, and I mean everyone, every man around you is an alleged pervert, thinking about engaging in unscrupulous behaviors with your lady business at all times. I mean “every man” might be a bit too strong, but apparently its more than we thought, at least where celebrities are concerned.
So without further ado, ladies, pack your pepper spray and pop those keys out between your knuckles because from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Alleged Pervert Moves for Ladies to Watch Out For:
#10 – The Alleged Al Franken Photographed Booby Grab
Our legal system is bizarre that even when there’s photographic evidence of the alleged perversion, we still must call the alleged pervert an alleged pervert, but hey, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.
HOW TO COMBAT: To determine if a man is an unwanted booby grabber, pretend you are sleeping. When the alleged pervert comes in, trying to grab your boobies with a buddy to snap a photo, wake up instantly and taze the alleged booby grabber in the nuts, while shouting, “You’re not good enough, you’re not smart enough and doggone it, people don’t like you!”
#9 – He’s Allegedly Asked to Masturbate in Front of You
I mean, if you’re in a committed relationship and he likes to crank one out in front of you and you don’t mind, fine. Personally, I think y’all should be taking turns grabbing each others’ parts, otherwise, what’s the point of the relationship if everyone’s grabbing themselves?
But other than in a committed relationship, dudes shouldn’t be asked to slap around the old salami in your presence.
HOW TO COMBAT: Ladies, we here at BQB HQ call this move the “Louis CK” maneuver so watch out for it. If a dude asks to jerkoff, just tell him he’s an actual jerkoff then run away, preferably with your arms flailing about wildly as you shout, “Alleged pervert!” so that all ladies in the vicinity know to stay away from the alleged pervert.
#8 – “The Kaiser Soze”
People, the good news is its no longer a stigma to admit you are gay. The bad news for alleged perverts is no one is going to give you a medal when you try to distract folks from the allegation by being all like, “I’m coming out as gay.” Good for you, you’re gay, but that doesn’t give you a free pass to try to force yourself on anyone, adult or underage….allegedly of course.
We call this move “The Kaiser Soze” because like the infamous Soze, a human chameleon who was able to blend in and change his identity, once played by alleged pervert Kevin Spacey, the alleged pervert tries to take the allegation and twist the response to seek accolades for admitting to being gay, whenever gay people are all like, “Dude don’t try to use being gay as an excuse for allegedly jumping on a kid because gay dudes have been trying to defeat the stereotype that gayness = pedophilia for years.”
HOW TO COMBAT: Yes, ladies aren’t the only ones who have to look out for alleged perverts. Young male thespians, if an older male thespian attempts to ravage you, simply kick him in the leg until he limps like Verbal, then alert the public so this once great thespian from any and all future gigs…including “House of Cards.” I mean, I was a fan of that show and the show will have a shitty ending now but so be it, we cannot support alleged perverts by awarding them undeserved roles.
#7 – Used the Phrase, “I Asked Their Mothers for Permission” (Allegedly)
No! No, alleged pervert and senatorial candidate from Alabama Roy Moore! Quote unquote “asking mothers for permission” does not excuse perversion allegations! Bad alleged pervert! You’re a very bad alleged pervert!
HOW TO COMBAT: Moms, if an adult male politician asks permission to date your underage daughter, please perform multiple roundhouse kicks to his nuts. Don’t just say yes, even if it is 1970s era Alabama. That’s not cool. Call the police too.
#6 – Allegedly Slipping the Mickey to Allegedly Slip in the Pudding Pop
I’ll never look at pudding pops again thanks to alleged pervert Bill Cosby. By the way, does anyone know if pudding pops still exist? If anyone is going to the grocery store today, stop by the freezer aisle and let me know if you see any because I remember those things and they were effing delicious and frankly, I don’t see why a tasty frozen treat has to suffer just because its 1980s era spokesman underwent perversion allegations.
HOW TO COMBAT: Guard your drinks, ladies. Always guard your drinks. You know, someone should invent a little locking drink cover with a pass code or something that goes over drink cups to avoid slipped mickeys. Then again, the engineering logistics to find one cover that fits all…maybe the bars could provide them based on the drink cups they use.
There you go bars. Invent this and you can be all like, “Our drinks are rape drug proof!”
I don’t know. Sorry ladies. I guess until they invent that shit you’re going to have to bring your drinks into the bathroom while you pee. As long as you don’t pee in the drink by accident it should be ok.
#5 – The Alleged Casting Couch
Is your boyfriend allegedly demanding women touch and or do other unsavory activities with his John Thomas in exchange for movie roles? This move is “The Alleged Harvey Weinstein.”
Admit it. We always sort of knew that “the casting couch” scenario was a real thing in Hollywood. No one goes anywhere in Tinsel Town without catching a few unwanted dongs I guess. As POTUS 45 would say, “It’s sad. It’s really sad.”
HOW TO COMBAT: Tape record all casting couch sessions. When the alleged pervert demands his wiener be touched for a part, just play the tape and let him know which parts you want for the next 30 years.
#4 – The Alleged Pussy Grab
Speaking of POTUS 45, our esteemed Commander in Chief was caught on tape talking about grabbing women by the pussy and then a bunch of women came out to say they had been grabbed. POTUS 45 denies it, his allegers allege he’s a pervert. I don’t know, ladies, all I can say is that if your boyfriend is talking about grabbing pussies he could very well be an alleged pervert.
HOW TO COMBAT: If your pussy is grabbed by a business tycoon with a bad rug, rip off the rug and wave it around in the air.
#3 – The Alleged Mr. Sulu
Audio has surfaced of George Takei on the Howard Stern show, talking about grabbing, how shall we put this, the wieners of reluctant dudes. Look, dudes either want their wieners grabbed or they don’t. George claims that this was all in good fun and he was kidding around on a comedy show but…I don’t know…I’d still advise dudes to watch their wieners around Mr. Sulu just to be safe.
HOW TO COMBAT: Always guard your wiener. Men, wear a jock strap and a cup when meeting any celebrity.
#2 – The Steven Seagal Leather Pants Fly Unzip
Ladies, we here at BQB HQ would never blame the woman for being sexually harassed. Men should always be held responsible for their inappropriate behavior. That being said, a word of advice, if you ever see a man wearing leather pants, do run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. No good has ever come out (pun intended) of a pair of cowhide trousers.
HOW TO COMBAT: If you’re invited to a meeting and a pair of pants is unzipped, you’ll have to go with your fight or flight response. You can flee and run out the door, or fight and use some Steven Seagal karate chops on the unzipped area.
#1 – The Lewinsky
Ahh, the alleged (is he really still alleged?) pervert that started it all, the esteemed President William Jefferson Clinton. Damn, did that guy like pussy, so much so that he became the second POTUS in US history to go through impeachment proceedings over it.
Imagine what went through Bill’s mind. “Well…I’m only one of 40 some odd people out of millions and millions to be chosen to lead America and my name will go down in history forever but, you know, I might fuck this all up by turning an intern into a humidor. Oh yeah, baby, don’t stop thinkin’ bout tomorrow. No, don’t worry Hillary, this won’t fuck up your shit in 20 years.”
HOW TO COMBAT: Um…apparently the only way is to wait 20 years and then the media is all like, “Oh OK, maybe it was kind of a big deal that the POTUS was an alleged pervert.”
DISCLAIMER: This post is just for fun. I am not categorically stating any of these people are actual perverts. I wasn’t there. I’m just repeating what I hear on the news. Further, no one should take the parts where I say “How to Combat” as actual advice. I’m no legal expert but yeah, it’s always best to extricate yourself from any uncomfortable situation without resorting to violence if possible. Consult an actual lawyer though if you want to know how to best respond to alleged pervert assaults, because I’m just joking around here and nothing I say should be taken seriously.