Tag Archives: parenting

How to Tell Your Children Their Parents Are Getting Divorced

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By: Monica Duncan, Professional Bad News Breaker

Hi 3.5 readers.  I’m Monica Duncan and I hate to break it to you, but I am the best when it comes to breaking bad news.  That may be due to the fact that there really isn’t anyone else in the professional bad news breaker game, but it’s a burgeoning field and unlike BQB’s blog readership, I expect it to grow substantially by 2020.

I’ve broken some of the worst news in history:

  • In the 1990s, I told Al Cowlings that OJ needed a ride.  I was only a kid at the time, so it was one of my very first bad news breaks.
  • I was the one who had to tell Obama that oil rig in the Gulf would just NOT stop chugging oil into the sea.
  • I told the Winklevoss twins that their friend Mark started a new website.
  • I had to break it to John McCain that just because Sarah Palin was the governor of Alaska doesn’t mean she’s a gift speaker.
  • I told Brad and Angelina they didn’t like each other anymore.  They would have not figured it out for another 20 years had I not intervened.

And today, I’m here to tell you how to tell your kids that you and your spouse are getting divorced.

So…you and your better half are calling it kaputs, overs-ville, adios, bye-bye, sayanora, see you later.

Who will tell the children?  Those lovable cherubs you brought into the world love you both.  This news will shatter their world and frankly, destroy their little lives, and may even have negative ramifications for their future.

Here are some things to do:

#1 – Be Sure To Tell Them This Was Entirely THEIR Fault

Honesty is always the best policy and divorces are no different.  Sit Junior down and explain it all to him:

  • Your mother works all day and is exhausted when she comes home.
  • We told you we don’t remember how many Goddamned times to pick up your toys and clean up your room but you just wouldn’t do it you selfish little jackass.
  • Despite her exhaustion, Mommy had to spend her evenings cleaning the house you wrecked and were too lazy to clean up.
  • Mommy was so tired after that she was unable to perform her wifely duties and please Daddy.
  • Daddy was left with no choice but to seek release in the form of a fat truck stop waitress named Lucille.
  • Enjoy Lucille as your new step-mommy and that 50 year old white guy with gray dreadlocks that your mommy will marry and make you call him new daddy.
  • Know that all of this could have been avoided if you’d just picked up your Goddamned toys like you were told.  Oh well.  A lifetime of misery is worth the extra time you saved by leaving your fucking action figures all over the place you obnoxious little shit.  Hang your head in shame.

#2 – Do My Parents Still Love Me?

No.  No they don’t.  How could they?  You’re a horrible, awful little child and they were so much happier before a nasty little eating, pooping, crying, money sucking machine came into their lives and ruined everything.  Daddy used to have hair.  Mommy used to have perky tits.  All your fault, you little loser.

#3 – Will I Get to See Daddy Again?

Probably not…or barely.  You see, while there has been great advancement in women’s rights laws, divorce laws continue to favor women based on the antiquated notion that a woman’s only means of support was in her ability to find a quality husband and that ability declines drastically after a divorce.  Today, women work and divorce doesn’t just carry the stigma in the dating world.  (Don’t worry.  It still carries a stigma in the high school popularity world.  Everyone will call you that divorced family kid, the one who broke his/her parents up.)

Mommy will drain Daddy’s money with child support and alimony so he’ll have to work 80 hours a week but barely afford a one room apartment in the ghetto.  He’ll resent this so much he’ll barely be able to stand seeing her for the five minutes required to pick you up, so he’ll do it less and less.

Ironically, Daddy will eventually realize he has the best of both worlds.  He accomplished a goal in life to have a kid…but he doesn’t have to take care of the kid that often.  He can’t because he doesn’t live with Mommy.  He’ll pick you up one weekend a month…then every 3 months…6 months…before long he’ll start a new family with a hotter, younger wife and use the knowledge of all the mistakes he made to be a great husband and father…to the new family…that you won’t be a part of….because remember, old gray white dreadlock step-daddy is your daddy now.

You really wish you’d picked up that fucking troll doll off the floor don’t you?  Yeah you do.

#4 – Will This Ruin My Future?

Almost certainly.  You’ll pit your parents against each other.  You’ll gravitate towards the one with the least amount of rules.  Whichever one you make the guiltiest will agree to all kinds of crazy shit.  You’ll basically be the boss of your parents because they feel bad, but you won’t get any real parenting, so you will have a wasted youth that leads to a jaded, ruined adulthood.

Romantic partners will consider you damaged goods.  You’ll get divorced yourself because you know, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

#5 – Will I Ever Be Happy Again?

Nope.  That feeling will elude you for life.  It is all your fault.

Conclusion

If you forget everything else, 3.5 readers, ALWAYS remember to tell your kids that your divorce is THEIR fault.  You can’t sugarcoat every piece of shit that comes your kids’ way and believe me, as divorced life begins, there’s going to be a lot of shit, so let them take it straight.

What kind of bad news would you like me to explain how to break?  Tell me in the comments.

 

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Cultural Appropriation and Halloween Costumes – A List of What Costumes Your Kid Should Not Wear

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Yup.  It’s Halloween so we know what that means.  Crazy SJWs are flipping their shit over the fact that someone, somewhere in the world might wear a costume for one night for a few hours that might offend somebody, somewhere.

Redbook published this article, breathlessly warning of the dangers of the epic sadness and woe that could spread across the globe if parents allow white daughters to dress like Polynesian princess Moana this Halloween.

First, the article is an example of what is wrong with journalism i.e. the drumming up of a faux controversy.  I mean, it makes it out as if there are a legion of little girls dressing up like Polynesian princesses and an equally large legion of Polynesian girls who are beside themselves with misery and woe over this.  I mean, maybe, just maybe there’s one Halloween party somewhere where this could happen, but is it a scenario worth an entire article? Probably not.

Second, the article contains this quote:

The original article, written by Sachi Feris, discusses how her white daughter was torn between dressing as Elsa, from Frozen, or the titular character from Moana. Feris expresses concern that while an Elsa costume might reinforce notions of white privilege, dressing up as Moana is essentially cultural appropriation — the act of reducing someone’s culture to stereotypes, and thereby belittling it.

So if you’re a little white girl, don’t dress up like Elsa because Elsa has white privilege but also don’t dress up like Moana because you aren’t Polynesian at all.

In other words…don’t dress up like a character that has any kind of ethnicity?  So…if you’re a white kid, just don’t dress up like a human.  Be an inanimate object.  Go as a rock.  Better yet, just stay home, you little cracker devils.  Your ancestors got all the candy for far too long and it’s time you took a breather.

You know I’ll meet the SJWs half-way and realize that yeah, when there are tons of other costumes out there, a costume that calls for a white kid to change ethnicity isn’t the greatest.

Then again, if a white girl just wants to wear the Moana dress, isn’t she just idolizing Moana?  Isn’t a little white girl so in awe of a non-white person that she wants to emulate and be just like her hero?  That non-white people can be role models for white people to look up to and be like, isn’t more of that what we want?

Plus, if they harangue the costume companies enough, won’t they discontinue the costume?  And then what will all the Polynesian girls who want to dress like Moana wear?

Do I think kids should be changing their skin color to become another ethnicity for a Halloween costume?  No.  Is it ok if a white kid wears a costume worn by a non-white character?  I mean, I can listen to why you might find that offensive, but I’d counter that if you are white and feel this strongly, then run to your closet immediately and throw away your kimono and your Hawaiian shirt.

Shit.  I’m not Hawaiian and my goal in life is to move to a tropical environment and wear nothing but a vast array of brightly colored Hawaiian shirts with parrots and palm trees on them.  Oh well.  #WorseThanHitler

Cultural appropriation.  It’s when you venture outside of your culture.  Yup.  We used to be segregated.  Whites stayed on their part of town, blacks on theirs, different ethnicities to their own.  Then the SJWS of the 1960s called on us to become the melting pot.  Everyone mix and mingle.  Date outside your race.  Get ideas from other cultures.  If culture X has good food, eat it.  If culture Y has good booze, drink it.  If culture Z has good music, listen to it.  If culture A has cool clothes, wear them.

Ironically, today’s SJWs, though I don’t think they realize it, are returning us to segregation.  Everyone stick to your own culture and never let your cultures mingle with other cultures lest you offend.

With all that being said, here is my handy list of what your kid SHOULD NOT be wearing this Halloween season, lest they offend someone, somewhere:

Smurf – No.  Offensive to short people with oxygen flow problems that make their faces blue.

Devil – Offensive to Satanists.

Witch – Offensive to Wiccans.

Batman – Offensive to Bats and/or grown men still grieving over the loss of their parents.

Superman – Offensive to intergalactic travelers.  You may only wear this costume if the lack of a red sun gives you super powers.

Wonder Woman – Are you an Amazon?  No?  Stop being worse than Hitler.

Spooky Ghost – Offensive to spirits who are trapped here and unable to move on.

Zombie – Offensive to dead people.  Many kids have dead Grandmas who have been in the ground a few years and look like zombies.  Stop offending kids with dead Grandmas.

Cat – Only if you are a cat.

Pirate – Offensive to 17th Century sea-dwelling criminals.

The Little Mermaid – Offensive to mermaids.

Mickey Mouse – Only if you are a mouse that walks like a man.

Donald Duck – Offensive to pantsless ducks with anger management issues everywhere.

Goofy – Only if you are a dog that walks like a man.

Nerd – offensive to smart people.

Caveman – Offensive to those with evolutionary issues.

Mike Myers – Offensive to escaped mental patients who want to kill their sisters or Canadian comedians who had a good run in the 1990s, depending on which version you go with.

Hippy – Offensive to 1960s protesters.  Only wear if you were at Woodstock.  Must carry photographic proof of you at Woodstock.

Bunny – Offensive to anyone with big ears.

Sexy nurse – Offensive to people who actually put the time in to get a nursing degree.

Iron Man – Offensive to billionaires turned super heroes.

Spiderman – Offensive to nerds who have been bitten by radioactive spiders.

The Incredible Hulk – Offensive to people with anger management issues.

Nun – Offensive to Catholics.

Shaggy from Scooby Doo – Offensive to drug addicts.

Belle – Offensive to French women.

Beast – Offensive to hairy French men.

Wolverine – offensive to people who have had a complex surgery to have their bones replaced with super strong steel.

Catwoman – Offensive to cats and catwomen.

That Costume Where One Friend is the Front of the Horse and the Other Friend is the Back – Offensive to horses everywhere

That Costume Where the Husband Wheres the Plug and the Wife Wears the Slot – Assumes that sex is the only benefit of marriage.  Very offensive.  Also offends people who use electricity.

Count Dracula – Promulgates the stereotype that all Romanians want to suck your blood.  Recent studies indicate 99.999 percent do not.

Frankenstein – Offensive to people who are comprised of body parts taken from other dead bodies.

The Mummy – Offensive to Egyptians.

The Wolfman – Offensive to hairy people.

Clown – Let me see your Child Party Entertainer’s license buddy.

Flapper – Were you alive in the 1920s?  Only Great Grandma can wear this shit.

Ancient Knight – I’m going to have to see the Queen do that thing where she touches your shoulders with the sword.

Harry Potter – I need to see your Hogwart’s diploma.  Otherwise, offensive to actual wizards who worked hard to earn their wands.

Hobo – Do you want to make rail yard dwellers cry?

CONCLUSIONS:

People, really, there’s no costume you could possibly wear that will not offend anyone.  I mean, you could go as a rock, but I’m telling you, you are just begging for a geologist to come up and give you a piece of his mind.

So just stay home, wear clothing consistent with those of your ancestors and only YOUR ancestors, and watch TV and eat candy that you buy and pay for yourself.  Thank you.

 

 

 

 

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Top Ten TV Mothers

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Happy Mother’s Day, 3.5 readers.

Why are you reading this sad little blog for?  Why aren’t you out there, honoring the woman who squeezed you out of her cooter with a nice Mother’s Day brunch?

Sheesh.  I have to tell you people how to do everything.

Anyway, in honor of this fine day, I present to you, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, the Top Ten TV Mothers of All Time:

#10 – June Cleaver (Barbara Billingsley) – Leave it to Beaver

TV scholars may be able to tell me if there was a more prominent TV mother before June, but I do believe June was one of the first and so, she essentially started it all.  Ward always got his paper after work.  Beaver and Wally always got dinner.  June made it all happen, even while putting up with tomfoolery from Wally’s friend, Eddie Haskell.

#9 – Ruth Martin (June Lockhart) – Lassie

Mothers are often caused a great deal of heartache by their children, and I don’t think there was another mother that was cause as much anguish as Ruth was caused by that little dumbass Timmy.

Most 1950s kids were able to play outside without getting into too much trouble, whereas  Timmy couldn’t walk five feet without falling down a well, falling off a cliff, getting attacked by some woodland creature, getting kidnapped by bandits or what have you.

Luckily, Ruth was always able to depend on trusty family collie dog Lassie to save the day and frankly, Timmy should have gotten Lassie a mother’s day card as she was like his furry assistant mother.

But seriously.  It must have sucked for Ruth.  The woman wasn’t able to put her feet up for five minutes without Lassie coming into the room to woof some troubling news about her soon to her.

LASSIE:  Woof, woof!

RUTH:  Lassie, what is it girl?

LASSIE:  Woof!

RUTH:  Timmy fell down a well?

LASSIE:  Woof, woof!

RUTH:  And was kidnapped by bandits?

LASSIE:  Woof!

RUTH:  And he was attacked by a mountain lion?

LASSIE:  Woof!

RUTH:  Holy shitballs.  You know what?  Fuck this.  I’m just going to chain Timmy up in the front yard from now on and give you his room, Lassie.

#8 – Claire Huxtable – Phylicia Rashad – The Cosby Show 

OK, 3.5 readers.  Let’s just address the elephant in the room.

Did Bill Cosby apparently, allegedly, whatever legal modifier you want to add here, did he apparently drug a bunch of women for the purposes of doing the freaky deaky with them without their consent?

:::shakes my magic 8 ball:::  “All signs point to yes.”

But you know who didn’t do any of that?  Phylicia Rashad.  On a groundbreaking, hilariously funny, ahead of its time TV show that little 1980s kids like me watched every Sunday, Clair Huxtable was the working mom who had it all.  Somehow, she balanced her schedule well, allowing her to try big important New York cases by day and still raise her band of adorable cherubs by night.

Plus, she took no guff from Cliff.  There was a clear, deep, meaningful love between Clair and Cliff and they portrayed the struggles that many parents were able to relate to – i.e., balancing the love they had for their children while holding back the temptation to slap them silly whenever they did something stupid and oh lord, how the Cosby children did many stupid things.

Theo always wanted to drop out of school.  Rudy was always picking on Bud.  Vanessa was always narcing on everyone.  Denise was boy crazy.  Sondra took her parents’ money to go to law school, then quit lawyering to open up a camping store with her dopey husband Alvin.

Such is the life of a parent.  Your kids disappoint you constantly, but you must love them anyway.  Clair gave swift verbal kicks to the behind to her children and husband early and often, never mean but always with firm, fairness and love.

Drop that hoagie, Cliff.  Too much salt.

#7 – Marge Simpson (Julie Kavner) – The Simpsons

Poor Marge.  She was so studious in the 1960s, as well as the 1990s as the show has rebooted the “How Marge and Homer Fell in Love Story” at least a couple of times now.

She wanted to do great things with her life but alas, one romp between the sheets with dumbass Homer left her raising a spikey haired demon boy and donut chomping moron for the rest of her life.

Even worse, she’s been waiting forever for a reprieve to come her way in the form of her kids growing up and moving out of the house but surprisingly, Maggie has been a baby, Bart has been 10 and Lisa 8 for almost 30 years now!

Marge, you may want to take your kids to see Dr. Hibbert.  They may have stunted growth from second hand donut crumbs.

Bonus points to Marge for being able to maintain such a tall, stylish blue beehive while having to deal with so much mischief.

#6 – Peggy Bundy – (Katey Sagal) – Married with Children

Don’t get me wrong, 3.5 readers.  The women’s rights movement, was overall, a great thing that improved the lives of many a woman.

But…there was a loophole, one that by the time the 1980s rolled around, some (note that I said ‘some’ and not ‘a lot of’) savvy women like Peggy Bundy were exploiting the ever loving crap of.

Women had choices.  If they wanted to, they could still choose to stay at home and raise a family and take care of the house.  Or, if they wanted to, they could go out into the world, trailblaze their way into a career, and become empowered as they bring home the bacon.

Peggy Bundy did neither.  She split the difference by staying home and doing nothing…literally, absolutely, positively…nothing.

The days when it was considered appropriate to complain to your stay at home wife that the house was a mess and there was no dinner on the table were gone.

Al Bundy (Ed O’Neill) found himself at a new stage in human history, namely, the one where the husband is just expected by everyone to suffer while his loophole exploiting wife (and again, I’m not saying every or even many women do this) doesn’t bring any money into the household so he has to work more but also doesn’t lift a finger to help out, so he still has to wash his own clothes, do his own dishes, cook his own food, etc.

Men unfortunate enough to find themselves with a wife like Peggy are expected to suffer in silence.  Can’t complain that she’s not making money because it’s her choice.  Can’t complain that she didn’t clean up the house because damn it, don’t you know women are more than homemakers now?

Al, of course, was never one to suffer in silence.  While Peggy sat at home and watched TV and ate bon bons all day in the same red beehive hairdo and leopard print outfit, he’d slave away all day at the shoe store, taking all manner of abuse from overweight women who hated his guts because he wasn’t able to help them find a shoe to their liking.

Al would complain vociferously that Peg would never cook or clean or do anything for him but the days of the 1950s where people gave a shit about the plight of the starving, dirty shirt wearing man were over.

Yes, there are plenty of women who choose to stay at home and they do a bang up job of making sure their husbands and kids always have something to eat and clean clothes to wear.

Yes, there are plenty of women who go to work and bring up fat stacks of cash so their families can buy all the stuff they want.

Yes, there are even plenty of women who go to work, make those fat stacks of cash, and still go that extra mile to keep the household running like clockwork.

But, there’s also a slim minority of women who manage to game the system.  Women like the Pegster, who just get their money by stealing their husband’s wallets (Al always had to hand onto his for dear life) and then allow their homes to fester into stinking piles of crap while they watch television, grow their beehives out and complain about their husbands, i.e. the only people who are doing anything to help anyone in the family.

You almost have to applaud Peggy for being smart enough to figure out how to game the system.

#5 – Roseanne (Roseanne Barr) – Roseanne

Yes, the 1980s brought us shows that broke the “perfect family” convention.  Married with Children was one such show and Roseanne was another.

Roseanne Connor definitely took the June Cleaver mold and broke it, then threw the pieces into the trash can.

Like many families, hers was dirt poor.  Husband Dan (John Goodman) was always out of work or underemployed.  He tried his best but work was hard to come by and didn’t pay much when he found it.  She supplemented the family’s income by waitressing, working at a factory run by a young George Clooney with black hair and doing all sorts of minimum wage slave jobs.

She did not do it with a smile on her face and she did not suffer fools lightly.  Whether at work or at home, she took no crap from anyone.  On a regular basis, she told bosses, kids, husband and wacky sister Jackie where to stick their problems – right up their butts, because she was too busy and exhausted to baby them.

Sure, she always found time to bail everyone out of a jam but those who crossed her met with her wrath.

It was a show people could relate to.  People were poor.  They had jobs and home life responsibilities.  They were tired.  No one had the time anymore to gussy themselves up like June Cleaver.  Mom didn’t just have to work to be empowered.  She had to work just to keep the family from going under.  No one had time to June Cleaver anything.

#4 – Elyse Keaton (Meredith Baxter Birney) – Family Ties

Ahh, the 1980s.  The Reagan Era.  The time when the stock market was booming, businesses were exploding with profits and there was a new renaissance of commercial expansionism.  Simply put, the country was raking in dough hand over fist.  Yuppies (young urban professionals) were everywhere and the country lived by Gordon Gecko’s Wall Street mantra, “Greed is good.”

It was a tough time for ex-1960s flower children like Steven (Michael Gross) and Elyse Keaton.  They were parents now, so they had to put away their tie dye shirts and protest signs and actually get jobs to make money for their families, i.e. they had to “work for the man,” something they swore they’d never do at Woodstock.

Even worse, they had to watch their kids, Alex (Michael J. Fox) and Mallory (Justine Batemen) become capitalist, commercialist little shits.

While Steven and Elyse had spent their youths fighting the power and standing up to the man, their kids had become total squares.  Alex was a money obsessed Reaganite who was counting down the days until he could leave and run off to Wall Street.  Meanwhile, while Mallory wasn’t smart enough to care about Wall Street, she was a greedy consumer, a mall, boy, shopping obsessed teenage girl who could care less about the latest cause because she was too busy finding the best outfit.

Yup.  That was the 1980s, where the kids had become lamer than their parents.

Somehow, Elyse kept the family going.  She was an architect who designed buildings by day and took care of her family by night.  You can take the girl out of Woodstock but you can’t take the Woodstock out of the girl.

#3 – Kitty Forman (Debra Jo Rupp) – That ’70s Show

Poor Kitty.  It was the 1970s and she had to deal with perpetually angry husband Red (Kurtwood Smith) always threatening to put his foot up the ass of their wayward son, Eric (Topher Grace).  On top of that, she worked as a nurse where patients she’d gotten attached to would die all the time.  Did I mention that daughter Laurie (Lisa Robin Kelly) was a big time ho bag with a penchant for allowing herself to be used by unscrupulous older men?

Oh, and there was always, literally always a plethora of kids in her basement aka Eric’s friends whose parents weren’t up to snuff so she had to mother all of them as well.

Yet somehow, Kitty put up with all of this with a smile on her face…literally a big, bright beaming smile and a nervous laugh whenever things got out of hand.  She was a “smile when your heart is aching” kind of gal but once in a blue moon she would lose her cool and explode all over whoever was causing trouble, often to hilarious results.

#2 – Carol Brady (Florence Henderson) – The Brady Bunch

Carol Brady.  She was the mom of the type of family that “the Man” didn’t want to admit existed – mixed, blended families where Moms and Dads got together and brought their children from previous marriages with them.

Society didn’t approve.  Apparently, women who were divorced or widower men who had lost their wives were just supposed to sit around and be depressed all day and never find love again.   But Mike and Carol defied convention and made TV history in the process when they got together and formed the Brady Bunch.

Carol ran the family like a boss.  Hell, she even subcontracted her motherly duties to housekeeper Alice because those were the days when it was considered socially acceptable to hire a random old lady to clean your house and parent your kids for you, pay her a salary that was the rough equivalent of the leftover pocket change in your couch cushions so you could spend your time on more important things like finding stylish 1960s lady pantsuits with bell bottom cuffs.

Yup.  Carol was the woman that every 1960s kid wanted as their mother, even though she got Alice to do all the mothering for her.  Ain’t no one got time for that shit.

#1 – Shaft (Richard Roundtree) – Shaft

Oh, what?  A man can’t be a mother?  You simple minded bumpkins need to shape up and get woke.

No, Shaft didn’t have time to raise any damn kids.  He was too busy solving mysteries, fighting crime, and getting down with fine ass 1970s babes.

Still, the theme song speaks for itself:

Shaft Theme Song (Sung by Isaac Hayes)

ISAAC:

Who’s the black private dick
That’s a sex machine to all the chicks?

CHORUS:

Shaft!

ISAAC:

You’re damn right!

Who’s  the man that would risk his neck for his brother, man?

CHORUS:

Shaft!

ISAAC:
Can ya dig it?

Who’s the cat that won’t cop out when there’s danger all about?

CHORUS:

Shaft!

ISAAC:
Right on.
You see this cat Shaft is a bad mother

CHORUS:

Shut your mouth!

But I’m talkin’ about Shaft.

CHORUS:

Then we can dig it.

ISAAC:

He’s a complicated man but no one understands him but his woman

CHORUS: John Shaft.

Yup.  Shaft might have been all man, but you can’t argue with a good theme song.  He was the baddest mother around.

Did I miss your favorite TV mother, 3.5 readers?  You can leave your own tribute to her in the comments.

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Don’t Buy a Bunch of Presents For Your Kids and Then Complain About Your Kids Having Them

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Hello.  I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler, a world renowned poindexter, reviewer of pop cultural happenings, epic nerdventurer and a champion yeti fighter.

Additionally, I’m an accomplished philanthropist and activist.  My causes include “Stop Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death” (a rare condition that occurs when the subject eats a toaster pastry that has been struck by a bolt of lightning, then dies on the toilet while trying to expel the aforementioned lightning bolt) and #OscarsSoPretty (a movement dedicated to giving more golden statues to people who look like bronzed gargoyles).

Today, I announce a new cause – “Don’t Buy Your Kids a Bunch of Presents on Christmas Only to Then Turn Around and Complain That Your Kids Got a Lot of Presents.”

How it Starts

Mom and Dad work hard all year and spend a bunch of money on toys to make kids happy. They put a lot of work into it – shopping, hiding the toys so the kids don’t find them early, wrapping them, putting them under the tree and so on.

Grandma, Grandpa, Aunts and Uncles often get into the act.  They love the kids so they get the kids presents, wrap them…the adults in the family will coordinate and ask each other what the kids like, what toys do they already have so they don’t get the wrong thing and so on.

And then after they do all this work, they just ruin it by turning Christmas morning into one long, drawn out bitch and moan session about how these kids have it so good and they had it so terrible.

:::Kid opens present:::

ADULT #1: Oh look at that!  Aren’t you special?

ADULT #2:  Yeah, when I was a kid I didn’t get anything like that.

ADULT #3:  My parents made me get a rock from the back yard, draw a smiley face on it with a magic marker, then bring it inside, wrap it, and put it under the tree myself.

ADULT #4:  You had a magic marker?  Ha! My parents couldn’t even afford markers.  I just had to pretend my rock had a smiley face.

KID’S BRAIN: Umm…I’m sorry?

The Two Types of Kid’s Christmas Present Complaints Made By Adults

#1 – That didn’t exist when I was a kid and I wish it did.

This one is a little more understandable.  Time marches on.  Inventors invent.  Scientists science up some shit.  New products are created.

You wish you had better toys to play with when you were young.  Even aside from toys, you think your life might have been better had this product or that product been around when you were younger.

I feel your pain.  I am unwaveringly convinced that had YouTube existed when I was twenty, I would have gotten a spot on Saturday Night Live and be well into my movie career by now.

But hey, just because today a creative person can buy everything they need to put on a web show at Best Buy for a reasonable price doesn’t mean I should hate on youngsters who do that, or hate on myself because of…what?  I was born in a time when video cameras where giant contraptions you had to hold on your shoulder and even when you did record something there was no way for the average person to share it with the world?

Be happy that science is constantly creating new inventions.  Hopefully, science will eventually find ways to save the world and bring about peace and so on.

Don’t be sad whatever you are interested in now wasn’t around when you are a kid.  If you are healthy enough to complain, then you are healthy enough to go get whatever it is now and use it.

Hell, if I weren’t so wretchedly ugly, I’d make my own YouTube show.  Sure, I was wretchedly ugly when I was a twenty year old but people would have been like, “Good for him.  That wretchedly ugly twenty year old is doing something with his life.”

Today, if I did it, people would be like, “Eww…that wretchedly ugly man is trying too hard to look cool.”

And who knows?  Maybe all these new inventions aren’t great.  Maybe we were better off without them when we were younger.  Maybe we talked more.  Maybe we were more willing to listening to different points of view instead of retreating into Internet bubbles that rehash our viewpoints.

Maybe life was better in the 1990s when people would have thought you were an asshole for taking pictures of your lunch to show people what your lunch looks like.

#2 – My parents couldn’t afford something like that.

Sorry to hear that, but when you make this complaint, you’re missing the big picture.

You’re making this complaint because secretly, or perhaps not so secretly, you are jealous of your kids.  Your parents struggled and didn’t have much money.  Thus, you had to go without.  You would have enjoyed fancy toys and so on as a kid.

Yeah, your childhood was hard, but if you are complaining that your kid got something you didn’t get, then don’t be sad your kid got something you didn’t get.  Be happy that you overcame your past and put yourself into a position where can afford to buy your kids things that you weren’t able to get as a kid.

And you know what?  If you are healthy enough to complain, then you are healthy enough to play with that toy now.  It isn’t too late.  Grab it while your kid isn’t looking and play with it or hell, you’ve got the money now, buy yourself one of your very own.

CONSIDER THIS…

Christmas is supposed to be great for everyone, but really, it is the best for kids.  They don’t have money.  They have no ability to get any.  They have minds full of mush. They still think the world is a magical place where a wonderful flying fat man can make all of their dreams come true.

Don’t worry about knocking them down a peg.  As soon as they grow up and venture into the real world, there will be a long line of people (employers, boyfriends/girlfriends etc.) who will be more than willing to tell them that they aren’t good enough, so let them enjoy the toy that wasn’t around or that was unaffordable when you were a kid, because once a kid grows up and realizes dreams don’t just magically happen, even when you do try real hard, the holiday season begins to lose its luster.

IN CONCLUSION…

Don’t put a lot of time, money, and effort into buying your kids presents only to turn Christmas morning into a bitch and moan session about how lousy you had it and how great your kids have it.

Kids hear more than you think, and while they may not understand certain things you say today, they might look back as adults and realize what you were saying, that you were mad at them for having something you didn’t have.

If you really, truly, honestly can’t help but hate on your kids for having a better Christmas than the ones you had growing up, then just save your time, money, and effort and don’t buy any presents.  Tell the kid to go into the back yard and pick a rock and imagine that it has a smiley face.

Sure, the kid will be sad now, but when he is an adult, he won’t have to deal with all of the emotional stress that comes with feeling bad because he got better presents than his parents did.

So how should Christmas morning go from now on?

ADULT #1 – Hooray, you got that toy!

ADULT #2 – Good for you!  Have a lot of fun with it.

But seriously, in private, when the kids aren’t around, feel free to bitch and moan to each other all you want and hell, if you can think of a nice way to say it, maybe remind the kids now and then that money doesn’t grow on trees so they should take care of their toys and don’t break them and shit because there are starving, toyless children in Africa otherwise they might grow up to become self-absorbed douches.

Ahh hell…what do I know?  Do whatever you want.  I’m not a child psychologist.  Merry Christmas.

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Movie Review – Bad Moms (2016)

Oh those wacky moms.

So many vagina jokes, so little time.

BAD SPOILERS.

BQB here with a review of Bad Moms.

I’ve been looking forward to this one for awhile now because the trailer looked hilarious. Rarely does a movie live up to a good trailer but this one does.

The setup – Amy (Mila Kunis) struggles to be a top notch mom.  She juggles work, taking care of the kids, the house, the dog, getting everyone to all of their activities and still finding time to volunteer for the PTA.

Blah blah blah…it all becomes too much when super perfect mom/PTA president Gwendolyn (Christina Applegate) and her flunkies (Jada Pinkett-Smith and Annie Mumolo) become Nazi moms – i.e. the moms that have all sorts of rules (the highlight being a detailed power point presentation on what ingredients are allowed in treats sold at the school bake sale along with punishments for those who don’t comply.)

Long story short, Amy and friends Carla (Kathryn Hahn) and Kiki (Kristen Bell) decide to be…wait for it…”bad moms.”

Get it? That’s why they called the movie Bad Moms…because they decided to be bad at motherhood.

I don’t want to ruin it by getting any further into detail.  Lots of funny R rated material. Abundant jokes about male and female anatomy. Musical montages in which they openly disobey PTA rules by purchasing sugary snacks and so on.

There’s definitely a lot of social commentary throughout.

Some things I noticed:

  • Millenials jumped over Generation X without waiting their damn turn. I complain about this constantly myself.  Also, that millennials just lump all the generations that came before them together.  Case in point – Amy’s boss is a dopey 20 year old who is convinced Amy is part of “the Greatest Generation.”
  • People downgraded to part-time.  Companies downsizing jobs to part-time status has been in the news a lot lately. Amy suffers the same problem.
  • No one respects marriage anymore.  Her dopey husband is caught cheating on her and makes it out like it’s no big deal and she’s being uptight.
  • Kids start worrying about what college they’ll go to at twelve now.
  • Parents aren’t allowed to tell their kids no or to tell them to shape up or stop being little jerks when they act jerky or what have you.
  • Of course, the overall theme is to show what the average working mom goes through.    Between work, taking care of kids, volunteering at their school and all kinds of other stuff, life becomes one big juggling act where moms are frantically running from one thing to the next and feeling like there’s never enough time for everything.  So give those moms a break, will you?

Anyway, lot of laughs. I had a good time.  It makes me sad that Christina and Mila, who were once the teenage daughters in Married with Children and That 70’s Show, respectively, are now old enough to be playing moms who go to mom war against each other.

Oh well. Time marches on. It’s tough for us old folks in the Greatest Generation.

But seriously, it is an issue I’ve brought up to the 3.5 readers of my blog so many times, so I was so happy to see the “Millenials think anyone born before 1990 must be a hundred years old” issue in a movie.

I thought it was just me and I was the only one who’d noticed. It was worth going just for that.

OK. I’ll stop sounding like an old crank now.  Get off my lawn.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.  Theater worthy, though the laughs would be good as a rental too.

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Movie Review – Daddy’s Home (2015)

Being divorced sucks.

Do I really need to call a spoiler alert for that? Probably not.  But I will for this review.

BQB here with a review of the Will Ferrell/Mark Wahlberg comedy, Daddy’s Home.

Do you remember when Ferrell and Wahlberg crushed it in The Other Guys? That was a comedy about the cops who never get the hot cases with lots of action.  They were the other guys, the guys who get stuck with lame, boring cases, who find themselves in the midst of an action laden case.

I remember laughing my ass off in that one.  This one? While it has a few knee slappers, I have to say, not so much.

I’d never tell someone to stay in a marriage that’s making them miserable.  On the other hand, I worry people don’t have the stick-to-it-tiveness that past generations had when it comes to nuptials.

“To love, honor, cherish, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.” People seem to take those more as general guidelines than hard and fast rules. People get divorced over silly things now. He left the toilet seat up. She uses all the hot water so I can’t take a shower.  He doesn’t give me butterflies in my stomach anymore. She got a little chubby and there’s a girl at work who’s way hotter.

I dunno.  That’s just my complaint. Especially when kids are involved. Like I said, I wouldn’t tell someone to stay in a terrible relationship but on the other hand, don’t pass up someone who’d be good for you just because she’s not perfect because you’re waiting for Angelina Jolie to show up (or Brad Pitt as the case may be.)

I digress. The setup?  Linda Cardellini (Sarah) divorced her first husband, Dusty (Wahlberg), for a good reason – he just wanted to keep living a wild and crazy lifestyle instead of being there for his kids.

Enter Brad (Ferrell). Sarah and Brad get married and while Brad absolutely loves being a stepdad and all that comes with it (volunteering for field trips, helping out with school activities etc.) the kids won’t give him a chance because they miss their biological father, Dusty.

So bottomline. Dusty returns after being away. He wants his wife and kids back. Brad wants to keep them.  The kids won’t connect with Brad but he is like a perfect male homemaker, which makes Sarah happy.  Dusty, with his motorcycle and manliness and fun guy attitude is a hit with the kids, but no so much for Sarah, who doesn’t like being in the situation where she has to be the parent that doles out the rules while Dusty’s the fun guy.

The war is on with Brad vs. Dusty in a battle to win over the family’s hearts.  Hijinx, pranks, and backstabbings ensue.

As a comedy, its more sweet than funny. The takeaway for me came from Brad/Ferrell’s advice on being a Dad to Wahlberg/Dusty – “Being a good dad is about getting shit on.”

In other words, you want the best for your kids.  So you put up with a lot of crap.  You take them to visit their friends even though you might think the friends’ parents are jerks. You get roped into volunteering to do a lot of extra activities and other adults complain about the help you are providing – you’d like to quit because you don’t want to do it at all but you keep going because you love the kids.

Even your kids will say and do shitty things to you.  You can’t let it get you down or give up on them.  They’re kids and they don’t know any better.

And especially, when you’re a stepdad, there are times when the kids hit you one too many times with the “you’re not my real dad” line when you’re trying to get them to do the right thing…and you might feel like, screw it, let the kid be a jerk then but you just have to get back in the trenches and be a good dad anyway.

So as I said at the start, being divorced must really suck.  Sucks for the kids because they miss whichever parent isn’t there.  Sucks for the parent that’s not around as much because he/she misses everyone. Sucks for the new step parent because he/she might want to be a positive part of the kids’ lives but the kids naturally see the new step parent as a replacement of the other parent.

So I guess try not to get divorced but if you have to, try to be as mature as possible about the situation.  The kids aren’t really little monsters.  They just don’t understand.  Be like Brad.  Take their shit and keep being a good stepdad anyway.

 

By the way, I remember Linda Carellini as the teenage girl from Freaks and Geeks.  Why am I so old that she’s able to play a divorced and remarried mom now? And where the hell did all that time go?

STATUS: Not shelfworthy.  You wouldn’t want to rush out to see it but worth a rental.

 

 

 

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