BQB here with a review of the dark, dark, incredibly dark comedy, “American Psycho.”
If you thought that “Wall Street” was the quintessential film about 1980s yuppie scum, think again. “American Psycho” skewers greedy Wall Street social climbers, both figuratively and well, literally.
If you didn’t find this movie to be a laugh riot, it’s understandable. After all, it’s very bloody and gruesome. The humor is there though, albeit at times, subtle.
Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale) is a young, studly financier. He’s obsessed over his looks, constantly working out and following a strict bodily care regimen. He’s equally obsessed over the finer things in life – his suits, his apartment, his ladies, etc.
One might think he lives a perfect life…but one would be wrong. Everything has become routine and boredom has caused our protagonist to become…dun, dun, dun…a total psycho.
Yes, Patrick murders, kills, destroys, all while being classy and stylish, even going so far as to give his victims lectures about his favorite 1980s songs. The littlest things can set him off – a colleague with a better business card seems to be a particularly unforgiveable slight.
Along the way, 1980s yuppie culture is lampooned – perhaps all of these people who go out of their way to show how rich and successful they are – are really just dull and bored and sad on the inside? Maybe one of them is willing to hack people to pieces just to break the monotony?
Jared Leto, Reese Witherspoon and Chloe Sevigny all grace the film. Also, I don’t want to give away the ending but it’s one of the better twist endings I’ve seen.
Oh, I know. Because the East Randomtown Cineplex was all sold out on “It” tickets.
BQB here with a review of the poopfest that is “Home Again.”
If I wanted to write a parody of a romantic comedy, I would start with some vapid, surface level characters – beautiful people with beautiful people problems. They’re rich and successful but they’re still sad because, I dunno, they’re not getting rich and successful in the exact way they’d like to be. And they’re hot and attractive and have lots of dating options but can’t quite decide, out of the large pool of people who want to bang them, who to bang.
I’d add some boring, long drawn out conversations – a lot of “tell” instead of “show” and presto – a perfect romcom parody.
“Home Again” has all that and more. Had they added a laugh track, it would have been the comedic event of the fall, poking fun at all of the romantic comedy tropes but alas, the rub is, this was a serious attempt at a romantic comedy that just fell flat.
Other than about an hour too long, I’m not sure what this movie is about.
The set-up is that Alice Kinney is a newly separated mom who has just moved her two kids to LA to live in the sprawling LA estate left to her by her wealthy Hollywood director father after his passing. Oh, and her mother is a retired movie star played by Candace Bergen. But the fact that Alice is rich and the offspring of Hollywood royalty is completely glossed over. She’s struggling really hard to start her own interior decorator business and her client, played by Lake Bell, is being mean to her, and somehow you’re supposed to feel bad for Alice even though she’s rich enough that she could tell Lake to eat a bag of dicks if she wanted to.
During a 40th birthday celebration, Alice parties and meets three dudes. They’re aspiring filmmakers including Harry, Teddy, and George (Pico Alexander, Nat Wolf and Jon Rudnitsky.)
The dudes are on the verge of a major movie deal – and you’re supposed to feel sorry for them because Hollywood suits are totally screwing with their artistic vision, even though, you know, we normal people, if offered any kind of Hollywood deal, would gladly suck a bag of dicks for it and let the suits know they can feel free to shit on our vision as much as they want as long as they back up the money truck to our houses.
Feeling sorry for the dudes because they have no place to stay, Alice allows the boys (all twenty somethings) to crash in her guest house. Over time, a romance blooms between Alice and Harry.
It’s complicated because Alice hasn’t quite resolved things between her ex, Michael Sheen. And Alice’s daughters start to get attached to the dudes, seeing them as quasi-uncle type figures.
At this point, the whole thing meanders and farts around, leaving the audience unsure as to what the hell is going on, what the point is, or if there even is one.
Perhaps the point is that older women shouldn’t feel ashamed if they fall for younger men. Younger men shouldn’t necessarily even feel ashamed if they fall for older women. Maybe age is just a number and as long as everyone is an adult of consenting age, then who cares?
The problem is at no time is that issue ever really explored. A friend of Alice’s points out that older men go for younger women all the time so why shouldn’t Alice do the reverse? True, but keep in mind that men are led by their boners while women are led by a desire for security. Thus, an older man can hook a young babe as long as he’s willing to be treated like a human cash machine. An older woman can snag a young guy as long as she’s still hot.
Reese is still hot, so it’s not like Harry’s really putting his ass on the line. Further, at one point in the film, Alice goes on a date with a “man her age” and the 40 year old man is presented as a bald, bearded, unemployed, bumbling oaf. The rub seems to be that women like to complain a lot about how men see them as objects and kick them to the curb when they get older even though its not their fault that time robs them of their beauty. The date with the “man her age” is presented as though Alice is really going to be fucked if she can’t make it work with Harry, otherwise she’ll have to settle for a bald old piece of shit even though, I mean, yeah it’s not like that fucker could have a brain or a heart or a soul because fuck him hair stopped growing on his head.
Men should stop pretending like older women can just will their knockers to not be saggy anymore. It would just be great if women could stop pretending like older men could will hair back on top of their bald heads. Let’s just all agree that time fucks us all over real good and agree to be nice to one another in spite of it, OK?
At any rate, the whole issue of May/December love between a young man and an older woman could be explored. It raises a lot of questions. What if Harry wants kids? Alice already has two and she might not have much time left to have another. Will Alice’s health decline before Harry’s? Will Harry spend his prime years taking care of a sick old lady? Harry may be a pretty boy but he has some depth. He wants to succeed on his own. Will it be too easy for him to just let Alice take care of him? Oh wait, she’s a struggling decorator and you’re supposed to ignore her massive house.
What about Alice? Will Harry understand her point of view when he didn’t live during the time period she grew up in? Will he be able to understand her in any meaningful way? Will a woman who has been through it all ever be able to see a babe in the woods just starting out as her true equal?
Getting some answers might have made the movie great, but all of that is glossed over. Instead, we are offered a rather lazy excuse of a breakup. A Hollywood hotshot keeps Harry in a meeting to make his movie for a long time, causing him to miss some shindig Alice invites him too. She’s pissed and feels unloved so she dumps the lad, even though, you know, the average guy watching the movie is like, “Um but he’s in a meeting to make a movie and that like never happens so give the guy a break.” Thus, all of the older woman, younger man issues are left on the floor, unexplored.
So then I thought the point of the movie might be that it is possible to cultivate happiness out of a non-traditional family. SPOILER ALERT – the film ends with Alice happy to be around the three dudes who are just going to be her friends and he ex-husband who is just going to be her friend. In true Hollywood style understanding of a relationship, Alice will just be everyone’s friend forever, content to have nothing more out of her young suitor or her ex-husband, and I dunno, I guess she’ll just spend the rest of her life looking for that special romance where the guy shoots fireworks out of his ass and everyday is Mardi Gras.
That’s always been the problem with rom coms. They just don’t play well in Peoria. It’s love as understood by Hollywood people who have it all and can afford to navel gaze about their love lives well into eternity.
As for the rest of us, some tired old trailer park broad isn’t going to relate to a rich bitch who dumps a guy because he came home late from his once in a lifetime movie meeting deal. Maybe if Harry had coldcocked Alice in the face because she drank the last beer and ragged on him for being unemployed, then you know, the average trailer park movie viewer might understand.
The rest of us in the real world gave up on perfect love long ago. Just give us someone who we’re 95% percent sure isn’t going to stab us in our sleep and they can attend as many late movie deal meetings as they please.
STATUS: Not-shelf worthy. I took one for the team and saw it so you don’t have to. Seriously, don’t take your date to this. If I were a woman and a man were to take me to this movie I would give him no pussy.
It is possible for your parents to be dicks…and loveable…at the same time.
I know. #MindBlown, right?
BQB here with a review of “The Glass Castle.”
Based on the biography of journalist Jeanette Walls, this movie is a family drama/tearjerker/coming of age story/quasi-Oscar bait though it’s a bit too early for award season.
Brie Larson, and her younger alter ego, Ella Anderson star as adult and child versions of Jeanette, respectively.
Her parents, Rex and Rose Mary (Woody Harrelson and Naomi Watts) are, for lack of a better description, total buttholes who are utterly incompetent when it comes to parenting.
Rex drinks. Rose Mary dreams. Both parents are like adult versions of children with their heads stuck in the clouds. Neither of them is capable of holding down a job which means they roam the countryside, squatting on vacant properties or living outdoors. Worse, just when they start to make it in a community, Rex will inevitably do something stupid that requires the whole clan to pack up and haul ass out of town lest they get on the bad side of the law.
Rose Mary fancies herself an artist, spending all her time painting instead of, oh I dunno, making sure her children are fed. Rex considers himself a great thinker/philosopher and constantly rants and raves about all of his deep thoughts about the world, but can’t figure out how to earn a steady wage. He’d rather spend his time designing a grand castle made out of entirely of glass, an achievement he hopes will one day prove to the world that he isn’t a total loser.
And losers these parents are. Rex and Rose Mary (but mostly Rex) are constantly making bad decisions that put their children into harm’s way but the rub is at the end of the day, they love their children and both have their high points where they endear themselves to children.
Thus, a quartet of young cherubs, lead by young Jeanette, are put in a tough position. They hate their parents for putting them through hell…but they also know their parents are doing their best that their limited, roomy brains will allow and the harm they cause is unintentional.
In short, Rex and Rose Mary suck…but they can’t help it. And there’s the lesson that maybe a lot of viewers can relate to. Unless you have super awesome perfect parents who are great at everything then at some point in your life, you might just have to suck it up and admit that your parents aren’t always right about everything, so sometimes you’ll have to learn to tell them no and strike out on your own (when you’re adult, of course.)
The film moves back and forth between young Jeanette dealing with her young parents shenanigans, and an older, more mature Jeanette who has overcome a life of poverty and parental stupidity to become a well-to-do gossip columnist.
As older Jeanette looks back on her youthful memories, she must come to terms on whether or not to make amends with her elderly parents now that they are, God help her, squatting in an abandoned New York City building because…poor Jeanette…her parents just won’t leave her alone.
Perhaps you don’t have parents as crazy as these two, but I think many people have a love-hate relationship with their families. Perhaps they have said or done things that have harmed you in some way…and yet they have probably also done things that have helped you along the way. Such is the deal with Rex, whose drunkenness, day dreaming and constant failure has ruined the lives of his children and yet, at times, he offers words of wisdom or provides grand gestures that helps them.
Sometimes it is possible for parents to suck…and yet be loveable…because they don’t mean to suck. They just can’t help but not suck.
Brie shows off her acting chops and she’s still holding strong as the hot new actress to beat. We see a more fragile side of Naomi Watts than we’re used to as she appears as a weathered old lady at some points in the film.
Woody Harrelson steals the show as the Dad you love to hate…or even…hate to love. He’s a dick…he’s nice….he’s mean…he’s evil…he’s a drunk…but he wants to change….he’s a failure….but he has it in him to be a success…he sucks…he doesn’t want to suck…he’s a walking contradiction in terms.
Overall, the suggestion seems to be that to ever be truly free of all the family drama in your life, you need to move the fudge away as soon as your eighteen and not look back. Forgive your parents for their failings and love them for their goodness because, chances are, yes, there were times they failed you but maybe they didn’t mean to or they were trying their best but were limited by their own personal issues. Still, was it all bad? Surely, you can rustle up some love for them too.
David Packouz (Miles Teller) is a young man in his twenties, facing a problem that many young men face, that of money. It makes the world go round and without it, his world is barely turning. He’s a massage therapist, barely making ends meet while he deals with old men who expect him to rub their disgusting rear ends. Worse, he’s trying to become a bed sheet salesman, but no one will buy what he’s selling.
Enter David’s old high school friend Efraim Diveroli. Efraim’s started a small business, buying and supplying small amounts of guns, ammunition, supplies to the U.S. military during the Iraq War.
Out of a desire to keep the bidding process open, the government has a website that provides details for all manner of government war related purchasing contracts and if this movie is to believed, any old schmuck off the street can bid and win and make moolah, assuming he can provide what the government is looking for.
Efraim and David become partners and at first, it would seem, legit entrepreneurs who are making dough off of a solid business idea. Alas, as you might expect, they get greedy, taking on bigger contracts they have no business getting involved in, and digging themselves deeper and deeper into an international world of gun running corruption in order to obtain the goods they need to fulfill the contract.
Shady characters, crooked third world businessmen and even mobsters are all faced by these two Miami dudes who are just trying to live the American dream. Ironically, the movie even suggests that the U.S. government may be semi-aware of some of the practices their bidders are involved in, i.e. if you ask for a larger than usual amount of an item, you must sort of know that whoever provides it is doing so illegitimately.
But there’s the rub. It’s a don’t ask, don’t tell world. The government doesn’t ask how they get the stuff and the dudes don’t tell. In the process, they make mad cash, but are the profits worth it? Will they survive?
I gotta be honest, I didn’t expect a lot out of this one. The trailers seemed like it was going to be a preach fest about the ills of the Iraq War. While we can debate ad nauseum over the pros and cons (mostly cons) of that war, that’s the whole point. Like most Americans, I’m tired of hearing about it. The war has been USA’s been long itch case of crotch rot for years so while I’m not saying important people shouldn’t still be discussing it, I just didn’t know if I had it in me to devote two hours to re-hashing it.
Truth be told, it’s a modern day rags to riches cautionary tale, reinforcing that old adage that if it’s too good to be true, it probably is. Like any story where ordinary dudes rise up by doing unsavory deeds, you root for the dudes at first, until they start crossing lines and then not so much.
OMG, 3.5 readers. OMG. Y’all got to drop whatever you are doing (unless you are reading this fine blog) and watch this movie post haste.
BQB here with a review of Netflix’s original movie, “Death Note.”
OMG. It’s witty. It’s smart. It’s original. It’s a clever idea. Who knew that such a film was still possible to make in Hollywood?
Light Turner (Nat Wolff) is a typical moody, angst ridden teen, down in the dumps over the untimely death of his mother, which causes him to act out and get in trouble in school. All this changes when he obtains a mysterious notebook dubbed, “Death Note.”
As Light quickly learns, it is possible for him to write a name and the method of death down in the book and bam – the person named will die in that way. Initially, Light wields his power on a school bully, but quickly graduates to bigger prey.
The young lad realizes the “Death Note” has been misused by previous owners for petty acts of revenge, but in his hands, he can use it to change the world for the better. He takes on the moniker “Kira” and summarily executes the world’s most infamous dictators, criminals and villains.
No one is sure how all these baddies are dying, but to the untrained eyes of the masses, it looks like the work of a clever serial killer. Little do they know it’s the work of a high school kid and a demon with a dark sense of humor.
Some worship Kira and approve of the justice he’s doling out. Others, like the eccentric private detective known simply as “L” (Lakeith Stanfield) and even Light’s own police officer father (Shea Whigham) see Kira as a dangerous vigilante who can’t be allowed to operate outside the law.
Ownership of the “Death Note” includes the assistance of a rather nasty advisor in the form of Ryuk, a spikey, wild-eyed demon voiced by Willem Dafoe. As we all know, demons aren’t the best creatures to strike a deal with as they always find a loophole to exploit, and Ryuk is no exception. Ryuk’s presence in the film is subtle yet understated, coming in and out at just the right times, sometimes to strike fear in our hearts when he toys with Light, other times to act as comic relief when he heckles the boy. Ultimately, Ryuk is the one who dispenses the death that Light writes about, so these two are stuck together, for better or worse.
Rounding out the cast is Light’s girlfriend Mia (Margaret Qualley) who, let’s face it, like most women, might be good or evil. It’s up to Light to find out.
Honestly, it’s rare for me to offer up such fawning praise for a movie but this one really deserves it. It’s so fresh and new and witty that it gets a standing ovation from me, especially in an era when Hollywood is just spoonfeeding us the same old, tired, recycled drek.
If anyone from Netflix is reading this blog (maybe a Netflix exec is one of my 3.5 readers?) I want to ask them, nay, beg them to turn this movie into a full blown series. There’s a whole formula as to how the “Death Note” book works, the rules of what the owner is allowed to do and not do and the possibilities for people to use the book for good or evil are limitless…so, yeah, if Netflix were to turn this into a series I would watch the ever living shit out of it.
Yes, I know it’s ironic that I’m lampooning Hollywood for making sequels but, yeah…in this case…this movie was really good…and I want more.
If you don’t leap, you’ll never learn how to fly. However, if you don’t see this movie, you won’t miss much.
For years, Disney has been the behemoth to beat as rival studios vie to see who can produce a heartwarming child’s tale that has depth, range and becomes so touching that kids love it well into their own adulthood and share it with their own children.
The Weinstein Company is the latest studio to give this a go and…well, to quote Jon Lovitz’ the Critic, “It stinks.”
On paper, the plot has all the trappings of a kids’ story that should be beloved through the ages. In the 1800s, two orphans from the French countryside, Felicie and Victor, escape their orphanage and head off to Paris to pursue their dreams. Victor wants to become a great inventor, while Felicie dreams of becoming a ballerina.
Felicie beguiles her way into a ballet school but relies on ex-ballerina turned scullery maid Odette to teach her, paving the way for Mr. Miyagi style lessons as Odette gets her student to perform mundane tasks that cause her student to learn ballet.
With an interesting storyline and a historic backdrop featuring fights/chases on the scaffolding surrounding the Statue of Liberty and Eiffel Tower while they are being built, you’d think this would be a slam dunk. Instead, it’s like the ball was pulled out of the hoop and flushed down the toilet.
I could go on and on about the problems in this movie but the main one is that this is a period piece and yet…there’s a lot of modern references. Sure, Disney films aren’t exactly historical documentaries but they at least don’t go out of their way to break the period setting.
Meanwhile, this film contains a number of words/phrases from modern times that act like speed bumps, shaking up what might have otherwise a smooth ride. The one that stands out in my mind is that the villainess of the film, the mother of a rival ballet student, chases Felicie around Paris with a hammer and shouts, “Stop! Hammer time!”
I mean. Seriously. Holy shit. Whoever allowed that line into this film, go stand in the corner and think about what you have done.
Worse, the use of modern pop music abounds. The crux of the film rests on two rival ballerinas competing for a part in “The Nutcracker” yet during the final big dance routine, we don’t hear something like “The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies” but instead, Demi Lovato’s “Confident” blares.
Look, I have no idea how that decision was made but personally, I envision a dopey Hollywood executive shouting, “Oh no! Kids will never sit through classical music! Crank up some Demi Lovato while this 19th century ballerinas compete!
Also, one of the ballerinas wears pink leg warmers and a headband that seem out of place. Honestly, I can’t tell you for absolute certain that pink leg warmers didn’t exist in the 1800s but the kid basically walks around in an 1800s period piece looking like her mom dressed her with the help of the Target girls’ active wear department.
So…all in all, the Weinsteins had their chance and they blew it. I know when I saw the trailers for this film I wondered if we might see a heartwarming, historic film that might make Disney sweat. Instead, it was a pile of poop.
Say what you will about Disney, but they have their craft down and they keep in mind both the kids and the parents who bring them, creating a stories that work on different levels, reaching out to young and old alike.
Ultimately, that’s the key to whether or not an animated film stands the test of time. The kids will like this and that of course is the most important thing, i.e. that the kids have a good time, but the parents who bring their kids are going to be looking at it as absolute drek. Plus, when the kids who like it today become parents tomorrow, I don’t they’ll rush to show it to their kids as by then they will have grown up and realized that Demi Lovato songs ruin 1800s ballerina movies.
Perhaps the silver lining is that this movie will no doubt inspire a lot of extra sign ups for dance classes from little girls all over the country. Good news for the girls, maybe lukewarm news for the parents who have to get up early and drive them to practice.
BQB here with a review of the surprise hit, “The Hitman’s Bodyguard.”
3.5 readers, I literally expected this movie to be a big turd soufflé with extra poop gravy but I was pleasantly surprised to find it was a delicious chocolate cake with delicious vanilla frosting. Mmm, mmm…boy, that’s good eatin’!
But seriously. It’s an end of summer movie. The posters featured Ryan Reynolds carrying Samuel L. Jackson as though Reynolds was Kevin Costner and Jackson was Whitney Houston, i.e. depending on a joke based on a movie from the early 1990s that only decrepit old fucks like me would get.
Yet…it was good. So good. It’s funny and not just funny but raucously funny, in a time where the PC police have crawled up Hollywood’s rectum and wiped away anything devoid of humor.
Reynolds is the disgraced bodyguard given a second chance when he’s hired to escort Jackson, a hitman with dirt on a war criminal (Gary Oldham), to the International Court. Thus, it’s a race across Europe as Reynolds and Jackson become an unlikely Odd Couple, a pair of quasi-buddy cops where Reynolds tries to do things by the book and Jackson just wants to shoot everyone and shout “motherfucker!” in a repeatedly reckless manner.
Salma Hayek steals the show in what is probably the funniest role I’ve seen her in as Jackson’s foul mouthed, ultra-violent wife, a promise from INTERPOL for her freedom from prison being the only thing that’s keeping Jackson from ditching Reynolds and running way.
It’s great. Lots of laughs and if you’ve read this blog, I never let a comedy get a good review from me if it didn’t make me laugh. It did. Plus, a lot of action. It’s a surprisingly long film, but the action never stops and in a summer where the box office fizzled, it is probably the best action movie I’ve seen this year.
When a young woman’s body is discovered on Native American reservation land, it’s up to an unlikely trio to solve the mystery. Said trio consists of Corey Lambert (Jeremy Renner), a mountain lion hunter for the U.S. Department of Fisheries and Wildlife, super hot rookie agent out of her depth Jane Banner (Elizabeth Olsen), and grumpy old tribal police chief Ben (Graham Greene) to solve the mystery.
Those who have never been there (myself included) might thing of life in Wyoming as clean, country living – wide open spaces
When a young woman’s body is discovered on Native American reservation land, it’s up to an unlikely trio to solve the mystery. Said trio consists of Corey Lambert (Jeremy Renner), a mountain lion hunter for the U.S. Department of Fisheries and Wildlife, super hot rookie agent out of her depth Jane Banner (Elizabeth Olsen), and grumpy old tribal police chief Ben (Graham Greene) to solve the mystery.
Those who have never been there (myself included) might thing of life in Wyoming as clean, country living – wide open spaces devoid of harsh urban crime. Think again because apparently, according to whoever wrote this film, it really sucks to live in Wyoming. It sucks real bad.
It sucks even worse to live on a Native American reservation. The film gives us a look into the challenges of reservation life – the land is cold, unforgiving, undeveloped and there isn’t much to do there. Native American parents have to deal with their dumb kids wearing backwards hats, taking drugs and blaring their rap music as they rebel against their humdrum lives so yeah, pretty much what happens in any family with teenagers. with the exception that opportunities for the natives to rise above it, make money and become successful are few and far between.
Crime exists and worse, there are few resources to deal with it. As stated in the film, the reservation is the size of Rhode Island yet the tribal police department only has six officers. The Federal government of yesteryear pushed the natives here but the Federal government of today isn’t doing much to help them.
Oh and because the terrain is so harsh and undeveloped, it often takes a fifty mile drive or a long trek on a snowmobile to get to a point that is only five miles away.
Further, as the film points out, Native American women often go missing and because statistics are not kept, it is difficult to determine how or why this happens. Alas, perverts and creeps abound and due to the wide open spaces and little law enforcement to patrol such vast lands, it is easy for a pervert and/or creep to engage in perverted, creepy activities, preying upon the innocent with reckless abandon.
So yeah, if anyone in charge happens to catch this movie, the good people of Wyoming, especially the native people, need some assistance.
Renner and Olsen get to exercise their acting chops. Fun fact, this isn’t the first time these two have worked together. It’s just the first time they have worked together while not wearing tights. That’s right. In the Avengers films, Olsen is Scarlett Witch and Renner is Hawkeye.
While their comic book alter egos are fun, Renner and Olsen get real here. Olsen is super hot and boner inducing, not to mention a young woman who appears to be full of hope about life. She’s green, not having been with the FBI long and it’s up to Lambert and Ben to educate her as to what life is like in a corner of the world where life is a daily, seemingly insurmountable struggle.
Renner is his usual grumpy, stoic self, though that works here as a typical cowboy/hunter. His character, Lambert, suffers from his own past demons and sees this case as a path toward redemption. Further, since he is not a cop, he has the ability to act outside the law, which at times, puts him at odds with Banner.
At any rate, it’s a film that isn’t getting a lot of heat but it deserves some. Overall, it’s a good mystery and while there are times when it is slow, the ending, which I won’t give away, will make your butt pucker. Did I ruin it by saying that the ending will make your butt pucker? Hmm, I probably did because now you will be expecting it. Oh well. Forget I said anything.
I was in college when I went to see this movie on the big screen. I thought it was great and over time, I am convinced that it is Tim Burton’s best. It’s a perfect blend of horror, mystery, and light humor.
I caught it on Netflix tonight and was amazed at how young Johnny Depp looks. I’m not sure how young he is in this movie but he’s got to be late 20s or at least no more than early 30s. I remember being a teenager thinking he was an old man. Sigh. What time does to our perspective.
Christina Ricci plays Katrina, Ichabod’s love interest. Christina is about my age (and was my age at the time I saw the movie for the first time)…I remember at the time thinking she was hot and would love to date her. Now she seems like a baby in this movie.
Depp is great in this as he plays Ichabod as a science geek, someone ahead of his time with all sorts of gadgets and gizmos he uses for detective work. He’s smarter than everyone yet he’s also lacking in common sense and often goes to great lengths with his gadgets to figure out what is obvious anyway.
Further, it takes place in 1799, a time when people were beginning to accept at least the most basic of scientific principles yet were still holding on to thoughts of witchcraft and superstition. Thus, the pitting of Ichabod’s science against the horseman’s supernatural powers.
In WW1 era Africa, British Methodist missionaries/brother and sister Sam and Rose Sayer (Robert Morley and Katherine Hepburn) run a religious village in Kungdu. Alas, fighting breaks out between the Germans and British and then Germans will have nothing English in the region they control, so they burn the settlement down.
Sam dies from the shock of it all, leaving Rose with no one to depend on other than Charlie Allnut (Humphrey Bogart), a gruff, gin soaked riverboat captain who occasionally stops by to deliver the settlement’s supplies.
Charlie agrees to deliver Rose to safety on his junky boat, the African Queen. The two are the original odd couple. Charlie swigs booze and uses coarse language, much to the dismay of prim and proper, super religious Rose.
At first, the two hate each other. Charlie looks at Rose as a pampered woman who wants to boss him around and make stupid moves that could get them killed, that she’s basically always been cared for and could never fend for herself so she should pipe down and let hnm be in charge.
Rose looks at Charlie like he’s a shaved baboon, that he can’t stop swigging gin for two seconds and he’s probably a pervert who wants her lady parts even though she’s covered in like twenty layers of clothing despite the hot African sun.
By the mid-point of the movie, the duo braves crocodiles, killer bugs, river rapids, murderous Germans and through it all, they start to grow rather fond of each other.
It is here where the film excels. If the African Queen were to be remade today, there would probably be a five minute softcore scene where Channing Tatum bends Margot Robbie over a railing and has his way with her.
Here, we see Charlie and Rose kiss and then cut to the morning. Maybe they humped. Maybe they didn’t. Honestly, given that it is a 1951 movie about 1914, they probably didn’t hump. The kissing was enough for two people who just met in those days.
The film’s greatness as a love story comes through the fact that they portray love through, whodjthunkit, actual displays of love rather than banging scenes.
Charlie and Rose hated each other. Now they dote upon one another. They call each other “sweetheart” and “darling.” Charlie learns that Rose likes tea so he never lets her cup go empty. Rose learns to trust Charlie more and doesn’t assume that everything he does is a rouse to get under her twenty layers of clothing.
They work together to get the African Queen downriver. They fight over who should do a dangerous duty, each demanding to risk their lives to spare the other, ultimately deciding to do it together when neither will back down.
It all culminates in a strangely touching scene when they are captured by Germans. Sentenced to hang, they make one last request, that the German captain marry them. They seem very happy in this instant, despite the fact that certain death is imminent.
I won’t spoil what happens next. However, I think this film does more to display true love than what we see today, both on screen and perhaps even in our own relationships.
True, sex is the ultimate comfort. It is the best experience that a human body can feel. On screen, we like to see good looking people bone so we can imagine being one of them. Off screen, we look for partners who arouse us.
But it’s the times between sex that determine whether or not a relationship will last. Do you call your other a pet name reserved only for him/her? Do you hold their hand? Tell them you love them? Talk about the life you want to build together? Get them a cup of tea and feel it is a blessing you have someone to get a cup of tea for rather than be made someone is making you get them a cup of tea?
These are all signs of long lasting love. In 1951, the director of this film wasn’t able to show you that Charlie and Rose were in love by having them bone. So instead, they showed all the things we all wish we had in a partner. Ultimately, it all boils down to unconditional love, displayed through affection that is offered freely and never has to be asked for.
Because of this, I can picture Charlie and Rose moving away after their adventure and settling down together. Meanwhile, all of these couples who meet and instantly bang in the throws of passion probably only last until they find someone else to bang.
Somehow, we all lost sight of what day to day love is. Too much sex. Not enough love.
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