Tag Archives: stocks

BQB’s Classic Movie Reviews – American Psycho (2000)

It’s hip to be square, 3.5 readers…HEY, PAUL!

BQB here with a review of the dark, dark, incredibly dark comedy, “American Psycho.”

abustany-movie-reel-800px

If you thought that “Wall Street” was the quintessential film about 1980s yuppie scum, think again.  “American Psycho” skewers greedy Wall Street social climbers, both figuratively and well, literally.

If you didn’t find this movie to be a laugh riot, it’s understandable.  After all, it’s very bloody and gruesome.  The humor is there though, albeit at times, subtle.

Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale) is a young, studly financier.  He’s obsessed over his looks, constantly working out and following a strict bodily care regimen.  He’s equally obsessed over the finer things in life – his suits, his apartment, his ladies, etc.

One might think he lives a perfect life…but one would be wrong.  Everything has become routine and boredom has caused our protagonist to become…dun, dun, dun…a total psycho.

Yes, Patrick murders, kills, destroys, all while being classy and stylish, even going so far as to give his victims lectures about his favorite 1980s songs.  The littlest things can set him off – a colleague with a better business card seems to be a particularly unforgiveable slight.

Along the way, 1980s yuppie culture is lampooned – perhaps all of these people who go out of their way to show how rich and successful they are – are really just dull and bored and sad on the inside?  Maybe one of them is willing to hack people to pieces just to break the monotony?

Jared Leto, Reese Witherspoon and Chloe Sevigny all grace the film.  Also, I don’t want to give away the ending but it’s one of the better twist endings I’ve seen.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.

Tagged , , , , ,

Daily Discussion with BQB – Amazon Buys Whole Foods

Happy Saturday, 3.5 readers.

Have you heard the news?  Amazon has just bought Whole Foods for $13.4 billion dollars.

My first reaction?  If Bezos has that kind of loot at his disposal, why the hell did he need to take 64 cents out of my 99 cent sale, literally the one and only copy I’ve sold of my book in over a week of it being online?

(Just kidding.  This dog doesn’t bite the hand that feeds him, even if it is a tiny piece of kibble at this point.  I wuv you Jeffykins!)

Did I mention you could be the second person to buy my book?

You might think this is just an interesting business deal but it’s much more.

Amazon didn’t just buy a chain of food stores.  They, in essence, bought a whole shit ton of buildings that will serve as good regional distribution centers which means, yup…you’re sitting on your computer late at night, you think a nice lobster and a gallon of milk would be delicious right about now.

Just click on that button and wham-o…some dude will show up at your doorstep with a lobster and milk, both delivered in time to avoid spoilage.

I mean, the Jeffmeister doesn’t clue me in on what he’s up to but I assume that’s where this deal is headed.

Many food store chain stocks took a dive because of this news.

Do you think this is good or bad, 3.5 readers?

On one hand, I’d hate to see brick and mortar grocery stores go out of business.  Perhaps they will always be around because a lot of people will still want to squeeze that melon to see if it’s ripe before they buy it.

I mean, really, who doesn’t like to squeeze a ripe melon?  Am I right?  Huh?  :::rimshot:::

On the other hand, sometimes I waste so much time in grocery stores.  You have to fight for parking.  You have to find a cart.  You have to roam around the aisles until you find what you want.  Usually there’s some blue haired old broad standing right in the spot I need to be and I’ll have to wait an hour before she moves just so I can get my hands on my hemorrhoid cream.  Extra-strength for extra itchiness!

Then you’ve got to wait in line.  You’ve got to check out.  Something will inevitably not have a price on it so some kid will have to go roam the whole store until he finds the price and everyone grumbles at you because you’re holding up the line.

Then you get home.  You have to haul all the bags into your house.  You’ll do that thing where you come super close to breaking all the bones in your hands just so you can carry extra bags to avoid making additional trips between your kitchen and your car.

Meanwhile, all the d-bags in your house will see you struggling with the groceries and they won’t lift a finger to help.  You’ll resent them because they’ll still eat the food you brought home even though they didn’t help you bring it in.  God, your family is a bunch of butt monkeys but you still love them.

So…yeah…I gotta be honest.  The idea of being able to sit at my computer, click off all the food I want on a website, and then some dude brings it to my house for me sounds pretty sweet.

I don’t know if they’ll completely tank grocery stores altogether in the near future.  Some may remain.  Some may modernize and start their own online delivery services.  But, yeah, in the near future, Amazon is going to take a big chunk out of the grocery biz.

Will that mean anything for us aspiring writers?  Maybe we can forego monetary profit and just ask readers to send us a jar of pickles from Amazon in exchange for all the books they download from us on…Amazon.

Of course, Amazon will take 64 percent of the pickles (or 30 if you ask for 2.99 worth of pickles, but not more than 9.99 worth of pickles).

FYI I hate pickles.  It’s like a witch doctor took a cucumber and did a spell on it to make it shrink.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

I Hate Stock Related Journalism (Or More Fun with Snapchat Stock)

Hey 3.5 readers.

So, I bought Snapchat stock a couple weeks ago.

And all the headlines in the stock related media were essentially, “YOU ARE A DUMBASS IF YOU BOUGHT SNAPCHAT!  SELL RIGHT AWAY!”

But I held in there.  And held…and held…and held…and it slipped…and I held.  Finally, it slipped more and I figured this was a dumb idea.  I sold it at a loss of $200.

Then a couple of days later it started to go back up.  And the stock media was like, “SNAPCHAT IS GREAT! WHY’D YOU SELL IT, DUMBASS?”

I swear, buying a stock is more or less like placing a bet in a casino and stock journalists yell, “Put it on red!  People who put it on black are morons!”

But then if it lands on black, they’re like, “We knew it was going to land on black all along, dummy!”

So…who knows?  I guess in a year if SNAP bottoms out I’ll be glad I sold.  Then again, if you goes through the roof I’ll be banging my head against the wall.

All I know is that stock journalist are like those two crusty old bastards who sit in the back of the Muppet Theater and heckle Kermit over everything.  They’re going to heckle you no matter what you do, so just do what you think is best.

Tagged ,

I Have Already Lost Money on the Snapchat IPO Because I Am an Idiot

Hey 3.5 readers.

So, if you’re an older reader like me, you might need a rundown on what Snapchat is.

Snapchat was born out of the idea that millennials are total perverts who enjoy taking snaps of their private parts and sending them to their various love interests.  However, as we all know, love today can turn into hate tomorrow and not all relationships are meant to last forever.  Ergo, people thought, “Hey, wouldn’t be great if I could snap a photo of my naughty parts, send them to my love interest and then after a little bit the photo disappears so that today’s naughty photo doesn’t get turned into tomorrow’s hilarious Internet meme, thus ruining my chances of running for president?”

I mean, I don’t know Snapchat exactly asked that question but at any rate, they sort of cured that problem.  You can snap a photo or a video, send it to a friend, then after awhile the photo or video disappears.  In theory, it prevents that video you thought was a good idea when you were drunk at 3 am from going public, although it isn’t foolproof.  There are ways around it.  Your sneaky snap buddy could take a photo of  your naughty photo, for example.

At any rate, Snapchat grew strong and got popular with the younguns.  They created filters that can make you look like a puppy, a kitty, for awhile they dabbled in filters that made you look like you’re from a different race only to get smacked down hard because you can’t do shit like that, and yes, they created those damn flower crowns that literally every woman, even your grandma, uses for their profile picture now.

My gut told me not to buy.  The experts also seem to agree that it’s not the best idea.  The company has been valued at some astronomical figure, even higher than Facebook, yet I fear that might be all hype related and not reality related.

Had you bought Facebook stock early, you’d of been happy with your decision.  As for Twitter, not so much as of late.  Facebook has gone strong and everyone and their granny is on Facebook.  Facebook basically became a new form of communication and information dispersement.

Twitter, on the other hand, became a repository of geeks like myself trying to tweet their way to fame and infamy, but ultimately it just descends into dummies writing dumb things limited to 140 characters.

As for Snapchat, I’m not sure I see an ability to generate the kind of wealth necessary to maintain a high valuation.

First, the primary users are young people…who have no money.  Thus, if you make that stupid flower crown filter cost money, they won’t buy it.  Maybe a few will dupe their dumb parents into buying it but for the most part, no.  Only a select handful of dummies will spend a lot of money on photo filters.

3.5 READERS:BQB you asshole, do you think anyone is going to spend a lot of money on Toilet Gator either?

Probably not.  Thanks, 3.5 readers.  I needed that tough love.

Second, I don’t see a lot of social media value.  You’ve heard of people becoming stars on Facebook and Twitter but has there been a Snapchat star yet?  Has anyone Snapchatted their way to fame and glory?  I’ve seen authors sign up for it but I feel like this only works for famous people.  If a famous person is sending out videos, then you might sign up if you are a fan.  Otherwise, I just don’t see it.

Plus, Facebook has come out with Facebook Live, which I assume was an effort to head Snapchat off at the pass.  So, if you’re an author with a good Facebook following, you could livestream a video of yourself talking about your latest book.  Meanwhile, if you’re not that well know, I guess you could snap videos of yourself out into the wind but I don’t think many people will partake.  Maybe if you’re Stephen King or something.

Third, I don’t see a lot of advertising value.  True,  Snapchat has been inventive.  They had a Gatorade filter for the Super Bowl where you could take a video of yourself and make it look like you just had Gatorade dumped on you, thereby making money off of a fun way to give Gatorade some unique advertising.

Other than that, I don’t know if the kids will sit still for actual ads.  If you have to sit through a thirty second commercial before you can snap yourself, that’ll probably last until a rival company comes out with a similar app where you don’t have to watch a commercial.

3.5 READERS: So why did you buy the stock, asshole?

Because I’m an asshole.

I hope I’m not.  So far it feels that way.  I bought it, and then the instant I bought it, it lost me $5.  Then twenty minutes later it lost me $25 dollars.  So, that could just be a fluctuation.  Hopefully, it gains tomorrow.

I don’t know.  Twitter’s stock fell.  Go Pro’s stock also fell, largely due to the fact that every dumbass who ever wanted to buy an athletic stunt camera bought one and as it turns out, assholes who want to jump out of planes and record their skydives are a select group.  So once you sell them all stunt cameras, you’re out of people who want to buy stunt cameras.

Thus, I wonder about Snapchat’s future.  Zuckerburg started raking in the coin by pushing his site on youngsters, but he became richer than most small nations by getting your mom and grandma to join, thus making bank on ad revenues.

So, I could be wrong, but the key will be to reach out to more old people and old people who want to make videos of themselves looking like puppies are a small, select group, or at least I hope they are.

Or maybe I hope they aren’t.  Hey, 3.5 readers.  Did you hear there’s an app that can make your face look like a dog?  Trust me.  I’ve pictured what you all look like and it would be a definite improvement.  Zing!  I kid, I kid.  You’re all beautiful.  But seriously.  Get Snapchat, pour some virtual Gatorade on your head, get a virtual flower crown because you’re too lazy to just pick some flowers and make one, just use that Snapchat so my stock will go up high enough that I can put a Bookshelf Q. Hot Tub in Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters.

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Twitter Stock Down

Hey 3.5 readers.  Your old pal BQB here.

I’ve been reading stories saying that Twitter stock is down lately.  Apparently the microblogging site isn’t finding as many ways to capitalize and make money as their rival, Facebook.

I tweet more than I Facebook, but I get why Facebook is making more money.  Facebook has more “normals” i.e. people who just sign up and want to keep in touch with friends/ family while Twitter tends to be more losers like me, wannabe writers trying to coax people into checking out my site.

Anyway, I do hope that Twitter bounces back.  I don’t want to see it go the way of Myspace.

Also, shameless plug, I hope you’re follow me on Twitter @bookshelfbattle or click here.

What say you, 3.5?

Tagged , , , , ,

Top Ten Pieces of Investment Advice

golden-3d-dollar-sign

Ahh, money.  It makes the world go round, doesn’t it?  You know they say money can’t buy love, but if you ask me, those losers have never tried it.

Love it or hate it, you’ve got to have a base line amount of it to make a go of it in this world.

Stocks?  Schmocks.  Savings?  Schmavings.  There are plenty of investment advice blogs out there, written by, you know, people with investment credentials and shit.

My advice will get you absolutely nowhere fast and my lawyer urges that you not follow it at all.

Stupid lawyers.  Always the buzzkill.

Anyway, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, MA, here are BQB’s Top Ten Pieces of Investment Advice:

#10 – Buried Treasure

Withdraw your cash, stick it in a tin box, wrap it in plastic wrap and bury it in the backyard.  If the worms, gophers and weather don’t destroy it, you’ll have a fun time digging the shit out of your yard when you do actually need it.  Don’t forget to draw yourself a map that you won’t understand in the future and/or will most likely lose anyway.

#9 – Electronics

Stock up on cell phones, computers, etc.  They aren’t making any more of that shit.  It’s not like they aren’t coming out with a new updated version of your phone every three months.  Oh, wait.  They are?  Sorry.  You are the owner of a crate full of useless phones now.

#8 – Gold!

That crusty old bastard William Devane is always telling me to buy gold in those TV commercials and damn it, if you can’t trust a man who played the president in a season of 24 as well as The Dark Knight Rises then who can you trust?  Eh, in theory, and I’m totally spouting shit out of my ass here, a little bit of gold in your safe might not be a terrible idea.  I’m sure super rich actors, celebrities and politicians all have a bunch of frigging gold bars stored somewhere in case the economy collapses and chaos reigns supreme.  My gut tells me not to buy more than I can afford to lose though because, you know, there are thieves about and I have so much to do that I don’t have enough time to sit around BQB HQ with a shotgun just to ward off gold thieves.

#7 – Pez

I believe Nerdstradamus when he says that Pez will be the currency of the future.  Buy up all the little candy bricks and cartoon dispensers you can so you can be rich as all get out in the future.

#6 – Time Shares

It’s a home that you own for a week a year!  What could possibly go wrong?

#5 – Join a Tontine

It’s simple.  You and your friends put all of your money in a big concrete box and bury it or hide it somewhere.  Then, you all live your lives and the last one who dies gets the money.  Just, you know, don’t be a dick and kill all your friends.  And don’t join up with friends who are dicks.  You know what? Just don’t do this.

#4 – IOUs

Every time you buy something extravagant that you don’t really need, write an IOU to your future self.  Don’t worry.  You’re good for it.

(SPOILER ALERT:  You’re not good for it).

#3 – Loan Sharking

The good news?  You can “help” people by lending them money with usurious, ridiculously high interest rates attached.

The bad news?  A) It’s illegal and B) You’re going to have to break some legs.  You don’t want to break legs.  You’re too nice and also it makes a terrible mess.  My lawyer and I don’t advise you to do this at all.

#2 – Farts in Jars

In the future, man will evolve into a butt-less species.  Thus, you should shoot every toot into a jar and store those jars in your basement so that one day, when a butt-less society becomes nostalgic for fart smells, you can clean up.

Note that if this does not happen before you grow old and die, the grandchildren you leave behind to clean up your house will think you were insane.

#1 – Wise, Prudent, Solid and Cautions Savings and Investing Plans

Invest wisely in solid, reputable mutual funds, savings accounts, IRAs and so on.  Seek the advice of competent investment professionals.

I mean, you could do all that shit but will that be as fun as going on a treasure hunt and/or farting in jars?  I think not.

REPEAT:  My lawyer and I urge you to not waste your money doing any of the horrible things mentioned in this ridiculous blog post.  Really, you should be ashamed of yourself for even reading it.

Tagged , , , , , , ,