Category Archives: Movies

Apr 17 2017
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Movies

Movie Review – Exodus: Gods and Kings (2014)

Let my 3.5 readers go!

No, wait.  Bring my 3.5 readers back.  If they leave, then no one will read this terrible blog.

BQB here with a review of Exodus: Gods and Kings.

It’s Easter night and you know what that means.  Eating copious amounts of candy and watching the story of Moses.  For the longest time, you were able to watch The Ten Commandments with Charlton Heston or since 2014, you can watch the Christian Bale version, Exodus:  Gods and Kings.

Yup, I’m a few years late in reviewing this film but hey, better late than never and I figure I might as well review it while I’m watching it.

This film is visually stunning.  It’s a little surprising it didn’t get an Oscar love.  I mean, I still can’t believe that pile of crap Birdman won an Oscar but this film didn’t get much recognition.

The interesting part of this film is that it is told to suit a modern audience.

Oh wait, you’re probably all heathens who don’t know any of this shit so let me give you the synopsis.

Baby Moses is floated down the river and honestly, I forget why.  Maybe his parents were in trouble.  Maybe someone was after Moses.  Maybe his parents were crackheads.  At any rate, when the little guy reaches shore, he’s found by the Egyptian royal family and adopted as the son of the Pharaoh.

Moses grows up and lives the life of a wealthy, arrogant Egyptian royal family member, looking down upon the poor and downtrodden, especially the Jews, who are whipped and beaten and used as slave labor to build the pyramids and shit.

Later, Moses learns that he is, in fact, Jewish, and suddenly he starts to feel bad about how the Jews are being treated.  God speaks to him via a burning bush.  The Pharaoh has died and Moses’ adopted brother, Ramses, becomes the Pharaoh.

The burning bush tells Moses to pass along a message to Ramses.  Sorry if I botch the message, but its basically, “Let my people (the Jews) go, or shit’s about to go down.”

Ramses scoffs at this.  He’s the mighty Pharaoh after all.  So God follows through.  Plagues, pestilence, frogs, locusts, all kinds of heinous shit happens to the Egyptians.  Even their first born sons are all killed.

Tired of all the bullshit, Ramses lets the Jews go, then thinks better of it, and sends his Army to recapture them.  Moses, now a mighty right hand of God, uses his power to part the Red Sea, allowing the Jews to escape to safety and then brings it down on the Egyptians, drowning them.

Boo-yah!  Sorry, but someone needed to bring that Pharaoh down a peg.

Anyway, I apologize if I got that story wrong but that’s the gist that’s in my mind anyway.

The Charlton Heston version provides a fairly true to the bible version.

This new version, Exodus, keeps the modern, skeptical viewer in mind.  There isn’t a whole lot of magic in the movie but rather, room to speculate and ponder.

For example, all the locusts and pestilence and kids dying could be God, or it could just all be the result of bizarre natural occurrences.  The times were bad and people lived in lousy, unsanitary conditions, so its not that surprising that a lot of kids would die or that a bunch of bugs would show up.

Moses (Bale) tells Ramses that this is all legit, that all the bad shit that’s going down is because of God.  Ramses accuses Moses of being a crazy charlatan, that he’s somehow bringing all the plagues and killing all the kids just so he can steal all his slaves.

As a viewer, you’re free to think either option.

Meanwhile, there’s no burning bush but rather, a boy who a) is definitely God who has taken the form of a boy to speak to Moses or b) a very religious boy who thinks he speaks for God or c) the result of some hallucination Moses is experiencing.  Again, your choice.

Further, the Red Sea is parted.  Moses might have done it…or it might have just been a giant tidal wave caused by super bad weather.

In other words, maybe Moses had powers and maybe he was God’s right hand man in freeing his people…or maybe Moses just lucked his way through a series of bizarre events and coincidences that made it look like he was working for God but in fact, just stumbled his way to glory.

I don’t know, man.  I wasn’t there.  All in all, it’s an interesting retelling and preserves the story for a new generation.

STATUS: Shelfworthy.

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Apr 15 2017
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Movies

Movie Review – Sandy Wexler (2017)

The 1990s are alive again!

BQB here with a review of Adam Sandler’s latest Netflix comedy.

 

It’s the last decade of the second millennium and Sandy Wexler (Adam Sandler) is the worst agent in all of Hollywood.  He’s a bumbling, incompetent boob with a wacky voice, big window pane glasses and all sorts of disgusting quirks.  He lies constantly, makes weird outbursts and can’t eat anything without getting it all over anyone in his vicinity.

His clients stink too, ranging from a stunt man who can’t stop destroying himself (Nick Swardson) to one of the creepiest ventriloquists of all time (Kevin James).

All that changes when Sandy discovers singer Courtney Clarke (Jennifer Hudson).  She quickly becomes Sandy’s first client with talent ever.  As her career blasts off, Sandy ends up going through the ringer of a town known for chewing people up and spitting them out.

This movie is a celebration of all things 90s.  The funky neon shirts, the cars, the popular products of the day, the styles, the pop culture, it’s all on full display, coming across as Adam Sandler’s love song to the decade that made him big.  Believe it or not but there was a scene that made me miss Fruitopia.  Mmm.  Fruitopia.  Do you remember Fruitopia?  It was actually pretty good.  I want one right now.

The whole story is narrated by a plethora of 1990s era celebrities.  Pauly Shore, Jewel, Lisa Loeb, Downtown Julie Brown, Arsenio Hall are just some of the big names of yesteryear that pop in, making me depressed that the decade I came of age in is so far gone now.

Oh well.  That’s the way the cookie crumbles.

Jennifer Hudson’s beauty and singing skills are the best parts of the film, leaving me to wonder why she is so underutilized in Hollywood.  She makes the film great but there was a part of me that thought, “This poor, classy woman.  She’s so much better than this.  She should be headlining major films.”

Oh well.  Maybe Hollywood will get the message on J-Hud sooner or later.

There’s a divided verdict out there on Adam Sandler.  If you were born in the 80s or before, you probably love him.  If you were born in the 90s or after, you hate him.  All of his movies usually involve him embracing a zany character and then following through on the character’s quirks to an eventual conclusion.

Personally, I love Adam Sandler, but if I’m channeling my movie critic side, I’d have to say that his two best films were Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison.  He had one great comeback with Don’t Mess with the Zohan and then it has been choppy waters ever since.

Thus, I think Adam has found a good home on Netflix.  Streaming allows his fans like me to find him without drawing the ire of millennials who take a look at the Sandman without being completely baffled about what he’s up to.

Then again, sometimes I’m baffled about what Adam is up to.  Hell, I bet even Adam is baffled.

Why is this man funny?  The world may never know…but he is….sometimes.  He’s kind of like your home team.  He wins some.  He loses some.  You root for him because you have fond memories of when he won some and you’re waiting for him to win some again.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.

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Apr 15 2017
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Movie Trailer – Star Wars: The Last Jedi (2017)

Hey 3.5 readers.  The movie trailer is out for The Last Jedi.

It’s mostly Rey doing some Karate Kid style training while Luke channels Mr. Miyagi.

One note:  Luke does say something like “this is the end of the Jedi” or something.  I hope they don’t actually end the Jedi and try to make some kind of “other” space warrior in future Star Wars films.

We want Jedis and we will only accept Jedis.

You 3.5 readers didn’t believe me when I said this title means that an end to the Jedi is likely but, um, yeah, I think they’re killing off the Jedi and if they do, then why bother keeping up with the franchise?

Oh well.  What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Apr 15 2017
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Movie Review – Going in Style (2017)

Geriatric bank robbers run amuck!

BQB here with a review of the old fogie heist comedy, Going in Style.

You know 3.5 readers, I went into this movie thinking I would hate it.  First, I’ve seen this plot before.  Old actors get together to do a tour de farce.  I saw it with Clint Eastwood and James Garner in Space Cowboys.  I saw it with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman in Bucket List.

Second, I go to movies to be entertained and the idea that all these old geezers are “going” as in they don’t have much time left just seemed sad.

I was pleasantly surprised.  It’s tight and witty, all the things you want in a good comedy.

Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman and Alan Arkin are three elderly retirees who are fed up with being screwed over.  When their pensions are liquidated, it’s the last straw.  Old, broke, and not seeing much of a future left, they hatch a scheme to rob the bank that did them wrong.

Yes, there are lots of old fart jokes.  That is to be expected but hey, it’s all fun just the same.

What surprises me is that this is a cast of octogenarians (eighty something year olds) who  are running around doing zany things throughout the film.  Sure, they do it all slowly, but still.  I hope I make it to eighty and I hope I have as much style as these three gents when I do.

Ann-Margaret plays Alan Arkin’s love interest and at 76, she’s still bone-able.  The years have been kind to her and if she’s had any work done, it doesn’t show.  Her face is pretty and I don’t know how she does it, but she’s not doing it with one of those Joan Rivers style “my face is pulled so far back I look like an alien” facelifts.  I would totally bring Ann-Margret a bottle of prune juice and hit that all night if she would ever find herself so inclined to do me the honor.  Sadly, she probably won’t.  (Call me Ann-Margret.  I want to eat all of the stale, wrapped candies at the bottom of your old lady purse.)

I feel like Ann-Margaret has been playing the hot old lady love interest for years now.  I remember her playing the hot old babe that Walter Matthhau and and Jack Lemon went to war over in 1993’s Grumpy Old Men.

Quick observation – Ann-Margaret was only in her fifties when those two grumpy old men fought over her and she’s in her seventies while these men are in there eighties.  In other words, no matter how old the leading men are in a movie, the actress still has to be younger.  Hollywood rules.

Appearances made by Kenan Thompson of SNL, Matt Dillon. and yes, Christopher Lloyd.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Probably not worth a trip to the theater, but you should see it.  It’s a pretty solid comedy.  There are sad moments that capture the human condition, i.e., everyone has to die someday and no one wants to, even eighty-year olds who have had as much time as anyone can expect.  However, there’s enough comedy and good vibes to overcome the sad parts of the film.

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Apr 11 2017
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Movie Trailer – Thor: Ragnarok

Hey 3.5 readers.

The trailer for Thor: Ragnarok is out and it’s pretty fantastic.  The use of Led Zeppelin’s Immigrant Song (“I come from the land of the ice and snow…”) is pretty effective.

What say you, 3.5?

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Apr 09 2017
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Movie Review – The Smurfs: The Lost Village

La la la la la la…it’s a big ole stinkfest.

BQB here with a review of The Smurfs:  The Lost Village.

3.5 readers, perhaps you might recall in the past decade that Neil Patrick Harris teamed up with the Smurfs to make two films in which the little blue people crossed over into the human world.  They were silly and fun though the scenes of the beautiful Smurf village left me wondering why the studio didn’t just forgo NPH all together and just make an adventure where the Smurfs strike out on their own sans humans.

I still believe there’s a story out there about the Smurfs in Smurf world that could dazzle an audience on the big screen.  While this film is OK…this isn’t it.

When Gargamel (Rainn Wilson) and a group of Smurfs comprised of Smurfette (Demi Lovato), Brainy (Danny Pudi), Hefty (Joe Manganiello), and Clumsy (Jack McBryer) learn of the existence of a lost Smurf village, it’s a race to see who can locate the never before seen Smurfs first.  The Smurfs want to save their comrades in blue whereas Gargamel, as usual, wants to harvest them to enhance his magic.

I was too harsh up above where I said it is a stinkfest.  It isn’t.  It’s a perfectly lovely film to sit your kids down in front of.  Perhaps selfishly, I noticed that it lacks what a lot of the great cartoons have, namely jokes that reach out to the adults in the room while going over the kids’ heads, just to say, “Hey, we know you had to bring a kid to this, so we’re going to give you a little reward to thank you for coming so you won’t be bored out of your mind.”

Mandy Patinkin voices Gargamel and while he’s a suitable famous old person for the role, as a fan of Homeland, I just expected jazz music to start playing ominously in the background while Smurfette morphs into Carrie and starts mixing wine with pills and crying over Brodie while Papa Smurf Saul starts yelling at her to snap out of it and focus on finding the terrorists for the good of her country.

Meanwhile, there’s a feminist subplot for Smurfette.  All of the boy Smurfs have a name that matches who they are or what they are good at.  Baker Smurf, Vanity Smurf, Farmer Smurf and so on.  Smurfette’s name just means “girl smurf” and she thinks that’s unfair.  She wants to find out what she’s good at and get a name that reflects it because she’s more than just a female smurf.

SPOILER ALERT: the film addresses that eventually, but you know, not to the point where Smurfette gets a name change to reflect that she’s more than just a girl smurf.  You know some Hollywood suit ran into that writer’s room and was all like, “We are NOT changing the name of a character/kids’ toy that’s been marketed as Smurfette for umpteen million years, jerk wads, so deal with it!”

And to me, that’s fine.  I’m glad Smurfette finds here groove, but I’d be sad at this point if they changed her name.

DOUBLE SPOILER ALERT:  As you know if you’re a fan, Smurfette was made when Gargamel molded a lump of clay into the form of a Smurf.  She was supposed to be his spy, but she became good and loved her smurfy friends.  At the end, and again, look away if you don’t want to know the end, Smurfette gets turned back into that lump of clay.  The incredibly sad smurfs haul this clay lump that looks like a big blue turd back to Smurf Village and cry and bawl all over it until it becomes Smurfette again.  I just wish someone in the studio had the guts to raise their hand and say, “We need to rewrite this.  This lump of clay looks like a big blue poop.”

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  A good kids’ film.  However, I do believe that the Smurfs franchise has the power to create a movie that becomes an instant classic that stands the test of time, beloved by generations to come.  This film isn’t it and while adorable, funny, and even action packed at times, it’s quickly forgettable.  Kids will love it and I suppose that is the point in the end.

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Apr 08 2017
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Ghost in the Shell is a Flop and Why Did ScarJo Play Major? (Spoilers)

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.  So Screen Rant and other sites are reporting that Ghost in the Shell is on the way to losing $60 million.

Not surprising.  I couldn’t quite put my finger on it when I was watching it last week, but I knew something was off.  There was a lot of appeal for sci fi nerds like me but it was lacking in terms of broad based appeal.  It’s always a bit of a roll of a dice when you make a sci fi film, usually the stuff that kids are into, but make it adult oriented.  The film was PG but the plot was high falutin’.

It asks the audience to ponder a lot of questions about life and death and also to hope for a day when our frail, limited bodies can be enhanced and kept alive permanently via technology, as well as what benefits and drawbacks would result from that.

By the way, I said in my previous review that there was a subtle explanation in the film as to why a Japanese character was played by ScarJo, a honky.  Remember, I can say honky for I am a honky.

Here’s the explanation.  Look away if you don’t want spoilers.

So, the key is to remember that Major is a robot.  She’s told when she wakes up that her brain is that of a refugee whose boat was blown up by a terrorist, leaving her parents dead in the process.  It’s not said out loud but one wonders whether in the future there might have been some type of catastrophe in one of the honky majority countries, thus causing honkies to immigrate to Japan, possibly explaining why there are so many honkies running around Japan.

Later, we learn Major was lied to.  Her brain once belonged to Motoko, a Japanese runaway.  The corporation claimed it only experimented on brains of those who had already died when in fact, they were kidnapping runaway kids and taking their brains out.

It’s never said directly, but one is left to wonder whether Major, the body Motoko’s brain is placed into, is a white supermodel looking babe out of some misguided corporate sense that this is the height of beauty that everyone should aspire to.

Thus, this is why ScarJo played the robot.

I suppose it’s up for interpretation.  If you saw it, tell me yours.

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Apr 06 2017
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RIP Don Rickles

Hey 3.5 dummies.

Sad news for the comedy world as legendary insult comic Don Rickles has died at the age of 90.  He is basically the inventor of insult comedy and also rolled with the Rat Pack aka Frank Sinatra and friends.

Here’s my favorite memory of Don Rickles, when he appeared in 1998’s Dirty Work starring Norm MacDonald and Artie Lange as a duo of schmucks who start a revenge for hire business.  This movie is kind of an acquired taste.  I’ve talked to people who love it or hate it, but no one in between.  Rickles is the best part of the film:

What’s your favorite Don Rickles moment?

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Apr 04 2017
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Movie Trailer – Baywatch (2017)

I never watched Baywatch as a kid, but it was literally always on all the time.  If you just left your TV on and went to do something, it would inevitably be on.  And it was on for a long time too.  I don’t know how those lifeguards got into so many adventures but they sure did.

And now, like everything else from my youth, it is being parodied.  That’s ok.  It was pretty much a parody at the time.

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Apr 03 2017
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Movies

Movie Trailer – The Mummy (2017)

Hey 3.5 readers.

Have you checked out the trailer for The Mummy reboot?

I gotta be honest, The Mummy and it’s first sequel were two of my favorite films from, sigh, “the turn of the century,” if we have to get technical.  They were full of fun and whimsy and Brendan Fraser was an atypical nerdy hero.

Thus, I’m kind of surprised that Tom Cruise was picked as the young buck to replace Fraser, given that, as far as I know, Cruise is older than Fraser.

And in theory, a new movie about The Mummy doesn’t necessarily have to be considered reboot.  Hollywood was making movies about mummies long before the Brendan Fraser outing, after all.

Anyway, it looks hella legit and if it is half as good as the trailer then it will be considered shelf-worthy.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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